Wonka has some great advice for you. For me, when I was still living in the same house, I was still doing all the wrong things. It was extremely hard for me to detach, and this was before I had even heard about DB. When we did separate, it was in separate towns, and I only saw her once every week to 10 days for just a few minutes when we swapped kids.
All of that being said, you cannot be a jerk while are in the same house. If you want to REALLY get your wife's attention, the BEST thing you can do is have a great and happy attitude. Become the best actor you can possibly be. When/if she cooks dinner, just take it, sit down with the kids, and be a great dad to them. Ask them about their day, engage in conversation with them. Be happy FOR your kids. Do not include her in your conversations. To you she is not even in the room. If she says something or asks something, just pretend you are in a restaurant and she is a stranger from another table asking a question to you. Answer it politely, briefly, then go back to your own dinner with you and the kids.
Work on GAL and getting out of the house. You are NOT a babysitter so your W can carry on her affair. Make plans and in fairness to the kids, make sure you let your W know ahead of time that you will be out on certain days. Do NOT tell her where you are going. If she asks say you have plans with some new friends. Be mysterious. Make her wonder what you are doing. Do not be afraid to make plans with the kids and take the kids somewhere. But above all else, act happy and content. It will be hard at first, but eventually, you will find yourself doing things that do make you happy and content. Try not to dwell on what your W is doing every 5 seconds she is out of your sight because you will just go mad.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
That's exactly what I told her. I don't want to divorce but won't stand in her way. The second part was I cant be in an open marriage and if she continues the affair that's disrespecting me and I can't me her friend or in her life outside from talks about the boys. Now I show her that by going dark.
Okay, that helps us have a better picture. It sounds better after you put in the rest of it, than just telling her out of the blue that you won't live in an open M. I couldn't understand why you were refusing to eat dinner, etc. This explains it.
Quote:
Feels like I screwed this up more than I thought
Well, maybe not. However, you are now the one who seems to be suffering the most over these boundaries, so let this be a learning experience to not bite off more than you can chew.
I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes that may have given you advice to go dark, but I don't see how it's possible when living together. Going dark means they never see or hear from you, same as if you fell off the planet. There is no contact with them about kids or anything else. So, IMO, you should not even consider the "Going Dark" method. You can, however, use the last resort technique b/c you are definitely in that place. The LRT and Going Dark are two separate methods, and when a couple has children, it is almost impossible to use Going Dark properly.
You can use the LRT without leaving the home/family. You can apply this technique without appearing cold or angry. You can use it and not fall into the friend trap. You can set boundaries. The LRT is not easy, but it's better than what you are trying to do at the moment.
In the future, whenever you make a statement about what you will or won't do.....just make sure you aren't cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Make sure you understand LRT and don't make any pronouncements to her about what you are doing, okay? Based on what you've said you told her, I think you will be able to stick with the boundary you set.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So fundamentaly, the difference between going dark and the LRT is ANY contact. LRT allows some contact, which is needed and will happen living together. That makes sense.
Thanks again, Pilot. I will. I'm making plans to join a softball league. This week, I have plans THURS night, movie with the boys FRI night and (weather permitting) skydiving SAT. So, just need to keep busy M-WED.
It helps to have a better visual on how to communicate without being rude, short or ignoring her entirely when she initiates. I'll continue to keep you guys posted and appreciate the continued feedback, suggestions and support!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Also, Sandi - anything else you think I should do or be mindful of to continue to gain her respect? I know that's key with a WW.
Nothing I can say - all about actions and doing, I know.
I'm sure the majority of this has been covered by you and others and I'm taking notes and putting into action. Just want to make sure I'm not missing ANYTHING!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Personally, I feel like I have a team of All-stars weighing in on my sitch and helping me out - Wonka, Cadet, Sandi and even strong newcomers like Pilot, Bob, Heavy D, etc. I read all of your posts and I hope to get to a point where I can start to help others and pay it forward.
I'm doing what I can now, but still hard not to let things overwhelm me.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
It helps to have a better visual on how to communicate without being rude, short or ignoring her entirely when she initiates. I'll continue to keep you guys posted and appreciate the continued feedback, suggestions and support!
This is not easy. I speak from experience. You have to let go of the resentment and speak to her as you would a neighbor. I struggled with this in the beginning. It helps to keep concentrating on you and your kids. And find anything to keep busy. STFU really helps, especially when she tries to push your buttons. When you have those angry feelings, remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS! Hope that helps some.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Don'tlet this overwhelm you, I know it is VERY HARD. I struggle with my situation daily but have learned how to handle my emotions and myself a whole lot better because of this board, the books, etc...
Try to be cordial, it is not easy when you want to just thwap them with your thumb in the middle of their forehead. Just be distant. "Thanks but I already have other plans" or "Thanks but I am not hungry" kind of thing. That's what I am doing and it garners a more postive reponse than me being curt. Being curt comes much more naturally to me but I have learned that in the long run, being cordial is the best approach.
Well - her attorney just served me, so looks like she's still going forward with it (not surprised). Rather than spend time reviewing everything and making myself crazy, I'm just going to take it to my meeting with the attorney tomorrow and have them handle it. Fun times!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
