Ripken - LRT with Wayward Wife and Divorce Filing

[Cadet]

show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?

This one! ^^^

[Ripken8]

Sounds good. Doing my on thing with and without our sons. Not engaging in any divorce or lawyer talks - my attorney will handle all of that for me TUES.

Other than that I just need to stay busy and go out there and meet new people - not to date, just to make new friends and find common interests.

Any interaction with me will have to be on her and I'll be ready to explain my detaching with the No open M/OM script when/if she brings it up.

[Starsky309]

show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?

This one! ^^^

x 2.


Starsky

[Ripken8]

Thanks starsky, cadet, wonka and everyone else! I do appreciate the continued support and help. I know I'd feel lost without the forum!

[Ripken8]

Ok so last night was ok. Really been going dark and distant but hard to be short with responses and have them not come across rude or mean. W takes it that way and gets mad even though I'm not responsible for her feelings.

Now it's uncomfortable in the house even with my sons. If she's with them I almost feel like I can't be in the room because that's giving into the family part Sandi said she needs to feel loss from. Also she's started being on the phone with friends family and when I'm in the room say "uh huhs" and "uh uhs", clearly talking about me.

How do u gal and stay dark in the same home? It's already tough and uncomfortable and this is only day 2 of really stfu and staying away. Especially when my sons are with her on the couch. If I stay in the room it feels pursuing.

It's almost as if the two of us are competing with each other on who gets to spend time separately with the boys before the other one can claim them. I guess when she takes them, like right now, I'll use that time to go out and do something.

[Joe46]

Sorry for what you are dealing with Rip. Everyone deals with it different. It was a little easier for me because W did not and still doesn't do as much with the kids. In the beginning, she did act like we were competing. When I stated my boundaries or if we had an argument, she would do alot more with them as if she was using them to hurt me. It is probably just as uncomfortable for her, but she will react with anger. I am not saying how I started out dealing with it is the correct way, but I avoided W as much as possible for awhile. But I also took the kids to do things and spent alot of time with them. W would go to bed after we ate dinner, so the kids and I would hang out together. We went outside and played basketball. I set up a mini golf in the basement. I found whatever little things I could do to be with them. I started working hard on myself. I was polite to W but also did not spend as much time in the same room as her. But I also kept busy so it did not look like I was all bummed out. I faked being happy at first. Than I started to find out that I actually was happy after awhile. Not happy about my situation, but happy with MYSELF and happy knowing I will be okay no matter what happens.

When you get the chance to go do things for yourself, just go do them. Even if you are by your self. I went to town one day and did a little shopping, ate at one of my favorite restaurants just to get out. I did not do it to get a rise out of W, but she did not care for it. But she does not control me. Grab your kids and go do something with them for the day. Just you and them. You have to get creative with things to keep busy. And don't let W know that the things she is doing is upsetting you. Leave the room for awhile if you have to. The more you keep doing these things, the stronger YOU will become. And it will be easier to detach from the situation. Once you start taking yourself out of the situation, the harder it will be for your W to keep focusing on her resentments towards you.

[Ripken8]

Thanks joe. That helps! Out doing my own thing. Coiencedly, went shopping and out to eat. Not a bad time.

Weekend of May 8th is sure to be a trigger for me. That's our 11/14 anniversary and we just renewed vows on that date last year. Also that Sunday is Mother's Day and we always go to an amusement park as a family that day.

I know i can't sit in that uncomfortableness and am very sure she will want Mother's Day for her own. Even if she invited me, I could t fake happy family just yet and as sandi says I feel she needs to feel that loss.

So I'm goin to go away for the weekend and visit one of my friends. 99% sure. Question is when to tell her? Kinda afraid to but not sure why. Maybe cuz I don't want to start a precident of her leaving for vacations whenever. Not sure. I know I can't control her. The constant wave of emotions is tough.

[Wonka]

Rip,

You want to go away because YOU WANT to regardless of what's going on. You can tell W nonchalantly that you will be away during that weekend.

[Ripken8]

Thanks wonka. Will do that. Last night took the boys to a movie and got back about 10 - wife was gone. Not sure when she came back, but I slept like crap so pretty sure it was after 4am. This bothers me because we agreed to always be home each night so the other didn't have to answer our sons questions or have it be tougher on them.

She came home but with this being the first night since that agreement, it feels like she's clearly testing me, but I'm not a mind reader. I know this isn't something I'll bring up or discuss with her. Just have to ignore it and fake like it doesn't affect me. She's going to do whatever she wants and as long as she continues this affair, I'm the enemy, I can't believe anything she says or does and just need to stay the course.

Easier said then done. Last night had 3-4 different dreams about her and om. Going to have to have a good plan to stay busy today

[Ripken8]

A couple of things I am trying to work on for me:

-I pursue and need to pull back, stfu and stay dark. Throughout our relationship, the more I would pursue the more she would run. My anxiety built up and I would pursue more. This also feed into our sex life and if she was distant, I would assume as long as we're having sex everything is alright. Not the case for her. She built up resentment and felt used.

-I made her my sense of happiness and self esteem. Also why is probably pursued and got anxious if she was distant. This also made it harder not take take it personally if she did things with other people or by herself. I felt she didn't want to spend time with me and prob would make her feel guilty about it. Another pattern. This could have made her feel controlled or that she wasn't able to do anything for her.

-I'm a fixer. If something is wrong i address it, form a plan and immediately start working to make it better. She doesn't want to be fixed right now and doesn't feel she needs to be. Even if we work on us, there will be times where she just wants to be heard and validated. Not fixed.

-I need to revisit myself and build myself esteem back up, so I can be happy for me and be able to control my own anxiety.

-I need to stop mind reading and let her go/detach, while also not taking everything personally.

These are all realizations I understand have created in impact in the failure of our marriage and things I need to continue to address and work through in my own actions for me.

While she is physically in the same house as me,Moshe is emotionally gone and distant.mshe doesn't want me right now and is fulfilling those needs with third parties. Nothing I can do to change that right now.