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Ripken8 Offline OP
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Update: She never got back to me about releasing her lawyer and having the two of us try and work things out, which means she would want me to go 1:1 with her lawyer unrepresented - won't do that. So scheduled meeting with attorney next TUES.

I think this weekend, I'm going to review our existing bills and break down who should pay what. I have separate checking/savings accounts, we have a joint account and she has separate. So it should be easy to divide. This possible convo would ONLY be while we are living in the same house, not to determine anything else.

As far as divorce proceedings, again, I don't want one. So having the attorney drag it out seems like the best move. What about the house though? We're selling it if we get divorced and she said she's living in it until it's sold. Housing market is tough enough. Should I drag out putting it on the market too?

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556988#Post2556988

Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/15 05:07 PM. Reason: Link

M-33
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BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
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Rip,

I do think you do need to sloowww down. You're on a hyper-speed.

You don't need to review bills or break them down. Don't get ahead of yourself. Your W hasn't brought them up...right? Then don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Has your W filed for D yet? If no, then say nothing, do nothing.

Same with the house.

I think you're JUMPING to conclusions that a D is a foregone conclusion when there's no actual movement in that direction from W. She's all talk right now.

Sit back and STFU.

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Ripken8 Offline OP
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No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?

Last edited by Ripken8; 04/23/15 05:55 PM.

M-33
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Originally Posted By: Ripken8
No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?

Hello Ripken,

If you don't mind, I thought I'd jump in. I know Wonka will respond, he has given me excellent advice.

You are in a very, very rough spot now. I don't know if Wonka, or others, will agree with me, but one thing you don't want to do is over-react. Way easier said than done.

Until your emotions cool down a bit, I think you should do your best not to discuss anything about the M/D/OM now.

What do others think? Ripken realy needs our help!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Did you meet with your lawyer?
What did he say?

I think that once your lawyer responds he
can put this back on the other side to respond,
and who knows how long that will take.

I then suggest going very dark,
except for legal matters


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Rip,

I got that alright....clear and loud.

Originally Posted By: Ripken8
No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?


Just because W has filed for D doesn't necessarily mean that you stake out a white flag on the hill and just do what you think is supposed to happen next. In your mind, you think that it means that you must cooperate to "separate" bills, clothes, etc. Doesn't work that way.

Stop.

If you've found a L, then tell him the facts:

1) Your W is in an active A with OM
2) You don't want a D
3) You want him (L) to slow things down and try to drag out this process as long as possible
4) Let your L handle any papers and whatnot from W's L

We have seen frequently that many WASes file for D, but don't follow through. Oftentimes it gets pushed back weeks and months. Then as the LBS uses the gift of time to work on themselves, do genuine 180s, GALing, and detaching...then viola! The WAS is drawn to the very interesting and fun LBS....the D is all forgotten.

Right now, you and W are operating on high emotions and being very reactive.

Step back. Calm down yourself.

Again, do nothing yourself. That is what we are ALL suggesting here.

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Ripken8 Offline OP
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That helps. Thanks for showing me to slow down. I won't have an attorney officially representing me until TUES - earliest we can meet. Wife texted me that her attorney wants me to pick up the paperwork - I will do nothing. My attorney to me the 21 day clock to respond doesn't start until I'm served or sign/pick them up there - why speed up that process.

When/if she asks me about it tonight, I'll simply tell her I'm weighing my options and need to look at what's best for me and our sons. I'm sure at that point she'll have the sheriff serve me at work tomorrow/Monday, but I'm ok with that.

Ready to try and GAL and continue to work on me. Have counseling once a week and DB coach once a week and this forum. So I'll slow down and work on detaching.

Only looked at reviewing the bills as a way to ensure she pays for things too while she's in the house and doesn't just use the money in her account for her own things/affair/etc.

But again, I can calm down and wait.


M-33
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S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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Ripken8 Offline OP
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I'm very sure I'll have to maintain my spew jacket and awkwardness and uncomfortableness around her. The longer it drags on the more she will become resentful that I'm not allowing her to move on.

I know I am not responsible for her or her feelings. But, I really don't like the thought of that atmosphere in our house. I'm assuming, if I stay calm, collected, consistent and LRT/GAL/180 - she will be the one that has to work on things and that will become more apparent. Right?


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Rip,

If you've found a L, then tell him the facts:

1) Your W is in an active A with OM
2) You don't want a D
3) You want him (L) to slow things down and try to drag out this process as long as possible
4) Let your L handle any papers and whatnot from W's L

Hello Ripken,

Wonka has given excellent detailed advice. Please hang in there and listen. grin

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
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Ripken8 Offline OP
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Will be going over the Open marriage/OM script tonight. Pretty much did that when she dropped the bomb, but didn't outline while she continues the affair I am not her friend and communication will be limited to the boys.

Did tell her the affairs disrespects me, the marriage and our family and I don't want a divorce.

I'm not asking this out of fear, but do you feel I should essentially rehash this again or just show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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