Job, very interesting facts about your xh. I’m curious about family ties too. My H was very close with my BIL (his brother) who lives in the same neighborhood with me. Now, he they are kind of strangers to each other. My BIL complained for past couple of years that H was not contacting him at all.
The other brother (who he just visited with) was not in contact too much after we moved from that state. H was not either, except for B-day calls and cards for holidays. He would stop by to see his brother’s family though on his way to/from the state where he works. This time he also wanted to see his niece and nephew. Well, I think I might know the motive here. This brother is the only one who is still married and with his family. I have a feeling that H is trying to be around family life. I think he misses that.
He was trying to be close with our mutual friends last year, inviting himself for dinners, etc. The only issue there is that they have a toddler, and H doesn’t like to be around little kids. So, this year, he “was close with another family”, the crazy woman’s family. Who knows what it is going to be next year…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - my xh got close to his brother and sisters after he left . . prior to this I was the one who kept in touch, mainly . Now it turns out (according to him, at our last meeting in February) that they think he is autistic. Hmmmm Stay around a MLCer long enough and the cracks show.
Just before he left he got together with an old friend from way back (who I suspect encouraged him to leave, based on the lies that my xh was then telling spreading our marriage. Friend had been unhappily married for years, but stayed with his wife - she was impossible, I kid you - and I think he projected his own unhappiness onto my xh) Now he is back in touch with this guy, who has now separated from his wife . . . . .
Fwiw I don't think he is autistic. Just not very good at getting along with people these days. Maybe not ever and I didn't notice.
Hi Bea, thanks for the insights. I think MLCers have hard time connecting with people in a healthy way. My H was always very social, but he maintained the boundaries. Well, until he was not in love with me anymore, LOL.
Going back to what Job posted… If H is re-living some of his past, then I totally understand why he is connecting with his older brother. This was exactly the scenario when we got married. He was listening to his older brother and following his example. He was not so much fond of his other brother and said that his brother was just sleeping around kind of guy.
Over the years, he got closer with his other brother and more distant with the oldest one. The second brother was more fun, doing all kinds of things. And the older brother was a solid family man. I guess it became a bot boring for H…
I think he’s gone back to the old pattern recently. Trying to connect to the family life. Interesting…
Had a text and e-mail exchange with H. Yesterday I e-mailed him about the tax refund and company insurance that I got the bill for. I calculated the portion of refund and transferred money to his account. I also asked him if he wanted me to pay the insurance for the company or mail him the bill. In the text I informed him that I transferred the money and that the details are in the e-mail.
He responded to the text, thanking me for the info the money and telling me that he is back to the state where he works “for the season (too early)”. Haha, he kind of complained to me that it is “too early” for him to be back to work. Because… His life was supposed to be great with a few month of work and the rest of the year – partying and enjoying life at the vacation home. I suppose is still not working out this way…
He also asked me to send any “important” mail to his address in that state. I kind of ignored the “important” part… How am I supposed to know which mail is important to him and which is not… I think he means junk mail that I’ve been sending to him with the rest, LOL. Not my concern…
Then today, I got an e-mail from him , telling me that he has a night job, so he will probably not get up early tomorrow, so he will send the company file (which I also asked for) later tomorrow. Then he asks me to pay the company insurance bill “please”… Then he asks for an end of year statement for the condo mortgage. Oh, boy… I have a feeling that he is re-evaluating whether he can continue to pay the condo… Tough times…
Should I tell him to contact the crazy woman to see if she can handle all of that?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
H sent a company file. Addressing me by my name and being nice in his e-mail…
I hosted a Bunco group at my house last night. Hooked up with some people (neighbors) who I haven’t seen for a long time and met a few new people. It was fun. A couple of ladies asked me about my status, whether I was legally D’ed now. I said that I was not. I told them that I have a great life and my status doesn’t bother me for now. Plus, I don’t want that responsibility of being an initiator. I will wait for H to do it. Unless, I will need to do it myself for whatever reason. They also asked me if I was dating, to which I answered that I was not. And, again… I like my life the way it is now.
I left it at that. But, today, I’m having these thoughts… I’m evaluating where I’m… It will be 3 years since BD in a couple of months. I feel that I am in a place where I don’t really see H coming around and coming back, and that I don’t really want the man he is today. But, at the same time I feel that I’m still clinging to the thought that one day he might come around. It feels like I still have one foot in the old world. And now, with H being nice again, it reminds me of the times when he loved me and cared about me. And I loved him and cared about him…
I’ve just re-read the 6 stages of MLC by Heart Blessing. Yes, I did save that post before the purge on this board. I can clearly see the stages of Denial, Anger and Replay that my H went through. I thought I saw some Depression and Withdrawal last year. But, this is where it gets blurry… He might still be in Replay… Or, according to Hearts Blessing, when MLCer reaches the stage of Acceptance, he might still go back and revisit the other stages. She calls it a final rebellion, like for a teenager before he becomes an adult. From what I’ve heard and what I know, H regrets some of his decisions and actions. But, I think he is still trying to “fix” his life by continuing doing what he’s being doing.
I know that it is not popular here, analyzing where WAS is in terms of stages. I just feel that I need to do that in terms of knowing where I stand. Sometimes I think that my H will never exit from the stage of Replay. He will never hit the rock bottom. He has plenty of enablers to make him feel justified in making this choice and help him survive.
Anyway, all these sentiment… I’m just tired. I am invited to a B-day party today, but I don’t feel like going. I only know one person there, the B-day girl. She is 32 and most of her friends are around that age. So, I think I’m going to skip it and go to my sister’s instead. She already called me asking if I would be going to the party or not. It is good to know that my company is wanted tonight…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
OK, posting to myself again. Had a happy hour at the company event. That’s it… What am I looking for by posting updates? Don’t even know anymore... Sometimes it feels like everybody around me wants to scream at me “be done already!”
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
What are you looking for by posting updates? Good question. Are you journaling so that you can look back to see how far you have come, or are you looking for support or for someone to just listen? There are times when I don't know what to say to posters because of how they've posted. I have to go on the assumption that they need someone to just listen.
As for everybody wanted you to be done already. I can relate to that. People don't understand that MLC separations/divorces are not like the normal separations/divorces. People who are happy one minute and out the door the next are not normal. There is no lead up time whereby both parties are very unhappy w/life. MLC is like a long illness and then death occurs. Unless people have experienced a crisis situation such as MLC, they will not get it. Ignore them and live your life.
Bright, I am one of those posters who doesnt like for people to look at the stages of MLC as definitive. First of all because they all handle their crisis differently. Secondly because we cant possibly know what is in their heads. Some go through all the phases, some dont. Some go through and up and around them again and some dont.
It is good as a somewhat broad outline and I think that's how it should be used. Otherwise we can get caught up in where they are...and thats not where we need to be.
There isnt any timeline for the spouse of someone in crisis (I dislike the acronym LBS - ).
We all walk this in our own time and in our own way. If people dont like it, thats on them, not on us.
I always feel as long as there is some movement forward, even small ones, then you are doing ok. Its when we get stuck at one part, that doesnt serve us well.
You get to where you need to be when you do. This is your journey. You keep walking it.
Thanks for your support, Bea, Gwen, Job, uRworthy. I’m keep going… Just have some moments sometimes…
Job, journaling is not exactly my thing. I’m more likely looking for some feedback, for some response when I post. By the time I post, I’ve already done all the journaling in my head. The reason I’m still on this board that people still listen to me, as opposed to my friends and family, who want nothing to do with my feelings anymore. Job, you are the one who keeps me grounded. Your advice is always well thought out and right on target.
uR, I’m very grateful that you stopped by and posted your thoughts. I‘ve been reading your advice on other threads and I’ve been trying to apply it to my situation. I get what you are saying, that it is not possible to know what in other people’s heads. I also think you hit the nail in the head when you said “Otherwise we can get caught up in where they are...and thats not where we need to be.”
This is how I feel right now. I feel like my head is not in the right place, like I’m stuck and don’t know how to get out of this… I almost feel what H is feeling. Does it make sense? I wish I would express my feeling better. It looks like I’m moving on… But, it also feels like I’m back to where I was…
I’ve been having these feelings of deep disbelieve and hurt recently, the same feelings I had right after the BD. It will be years in June…
I just wish there was already time when I had enough… I don’t know when this time comes… I wish very soon…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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