Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

Ok, so tonight H comes in the kitchen and starts talking to me excited about what he bought today (a cigarette roller). Takes me out to the lanai and shows everything to me and explains how it works and then shows me....sharing his excitement even over something simple with me...

But, I totally blew it later in the evening. We were at the dinner table and he brings up our trip this summer. Says "we need to sh!t or get off the pot" about making our decision on the logistics. (I chuckled about the "sh!t or get off the pot" and said oh really). Basically talking about if we are driving or flying and timeframe. D16 gets upset because I said we were leaving after the 4th because of D13's sport schedule. So I asked him what his plan was and he states he is driving by himself because he is stopping places on the way to pick up parts for his jeep project so he's pulling the trailer, oh and by the way he's taking my vehicle. Ok, so when are you planning on going. Well, his family (that he invited to stay at our place without even discussing it with me first) is going to be there on the 22nd and we need to be there before that so he's thinking about going up there around the 1st and staying a couple of months. The first thing I said is if you're going before the 4th take D16 with you. But I was visibly pissed, and he called me on it to which I replied "must be nice to be able to go for a couple of months and not worry about your family down here." He made some comment about of course I'd still worry about them, and was grumbling about giving him a guilt trip as he was walking out the door, so I made a comment about walking away while we were talking.

I also mentioned his surgery and recovery time and physical therapy and how that would play in to all of this...

It was fine a little later, he came in and gave me a glare but it was in jest and I started laughing and when I was watching TV he came and sat down and watched with me.

So, I know I handled that poorly, probably similar to how I would have in the past. Honestly, this is something he would have done before BD and I would have handled it the same.

So here's some reasons that I've decided I'm pissed about it:
-obviously he's given no thought to the girls (or me which I shouldn't expect but still hope for)
-he's leaving me to take care of everything again and quite honestly it's been nice to not have to do everything by myself and to be ok doing things and not feeling guilty for leaving the kids alone (even tho they are plenty old enough)
-I'm jealous because I would love to stay up there for a couple of months
-also, I have a hard time taking a long weekend but it's no problem for him to go for a couple of months....

I have a coaching session tomorrow but I'm guessing I should just let this go.

[lost18]

Oh, I also mentioned that if he was driving my vehicle up there then we wouldn't need to rent a car. He said why not? We're going to need vehicles especially with everybody (his family) being up there.

So I should rent a car to make it easier on his family? His sister has already rented a car. I will admit it was easier having 2 vehicles last summer but also a lot more $$.

But then again he also mentioned buying another ATV because we won't have enough when everybody is there. So we should buy another ATV because for 10 days every 5 years we won't have enough?

Maybe I'll suggest that D16 and I fly up before the 4th and he can drive up with D13 after her tournament mid-july.

It's hard to make family plans with an H that wants to be a family but not a couple....

[mahhhty]

Those were three tough posts my friend.

It's hard to make family plans with an H that wants to be a family but not a couple.

I am going to ask another open ended question... What do you want?

[lost18]

More tough questions...I will answer, just not tonight. I have a little homework to do from my coaching session. Turns out I'm not too far off with a lot of what I've been doing, have lots of questions for next time though.

Patience, Patience, Patience!

[mahhhty]

I loved my coach. I honestly wished I could have bought her coffee and talk to her all day. I have one more session that I should probably use at some point although it is unclear to me at what point it will be useful. Sorry sidebar over... Good luck! And have a good weekend!

[lost18]

Weekends are never long enough. My coach said I should compliment H everyday or every other day. Harder to do than I thought. I am trying, today I was able to compliment him on how impressed I was with his ability to rebuild his jeep. (I really am...but he kind of shrugged it off, guess he's not used to getting compliments from me.)

I have more thoughts, but cant string them together intelligently right now, I'm tired.

OK weekend, spent lots of time together. Will try to update tomorrow.

[lost18]

So maybe a brief update.

One of the issues we've had in our marriage is we haven't really supported each other when it comes to the kids. Although, I may not have done a stellar job I was able to do a what I guess I can call a 180.

D13 has been injured and not playing with her team although she goes to most practices and tournaments. Instead of wearing the full uniform she only wears her jersey. So the conversation between her and I went something like this:

D13: I don't want to wear my whole uniform tomorrow
M: ok, so don't
D13: Dad said I have to.
M: Why? You haven't been, I don't see why you have to if you're not playing.

Fast forward to dinner the conversation comes up again.
Not sure exactly how it went but D13 says something about NOT wearing her full uniform.
H says yes you are and I ask him why.
He says she's part of the team and that's the uniform
D13 again says she's not going to wear full uniform
I said yes she was and she argued saying I told her she didn't have to.
I responded along the lines of that was before I knew how dad felt and I'm supporting his decision. (she wasn't happy).

So although this is a minor thing and I didn't start out great I was at least able to turn it around and stand together with H.

I'm still struggling a bit with our interactions, do I say good morning (he's usually on the lanai in the mornings and I don't normally go out there) do I say good bye. I guess I'm just confused, these are things I will have to ask in my next coaching session.

H did ask me why I was so pissed about him going North for a couple months, I said I thought about it and a big part of it was I was jealous that I can't go up there for that long. He said that's kind of what he thought, so we talked and agreed that D16 and I will go up earlier and he will drive up with D13 after her tournament. So, although I still feel like we are planning separate vacations together, I am planning on enjoying my vacation!

I've read a success story a few times where the H states that he stayed friends with his WAW through separation and her being involved with OM and eventually being friends worked out for the best. I feel like H and I truly are friends, (although I want much more I just need to continue to be patient). He shares things with me, about his project, politics, family, his old buddies...we have a new inside joke and laugh about it...there are some positives. I just need to continue making changes for me...which I admit is not always easy to do, but I do think the biggest thing is taking care of myself as far as my depression and other medical issues.

Purpose, passion, patience and perseverance!

[lost18]

I could use a little help. Part of what my coach told me to do is to compliment H everyday or every other day. I am finding this difficult to do because what comes to mind is usually something related to finding him attractive. I don't know if I should go that route or not. I can find lots of ways to show appreciation to him but that is different than complimenting him.

Any suggestions on how to give compliments without pursuing? Or should I not worry about if it would be seen as pursuing? I think if I say something about him still being sexy or attractive or looking good that is pursuit....so confused!

[mahhhty]

I think you did a great job with supporting his uniform decision! It wasn't what you really wanted, but it supported him, which is the job.

I was thinking about sex starved marriages about how it is a never-ending cycle. The man wants to have sex to feel connected, and the woman wants to feel connected before having sex. In that light, I think it is great to tell him "you look good in that shirt" or "I always thought that was sexy when you do _______" perhaps work on the jeep. I wouldn't over do the good looking sexy compliments save them, and pair them for days when you look good, smell good, etc. Get him to start to think about sex.

Other things that always made me feel good as a man...
- Comments about being a good father, looking good, ability to save money by fixing things, perhaps cooking outside on the grill, or perhaps any traits that I like about myself... being adventurous, resourceful, etc

Another way to compliment him, is to do like backhanded comments
- Oh thats wonderful... how did you fix that? how did you figure that out?
- I totally agree with that discussion you had with D, I wanted to tell you that

Hopefully this helps. This is also a good article, google "6 Kinds Of Compliments Men Would Love To Hear More Often."

[lost18]

Thanks Mahhhty, I will def bookmark that article. I was able to compliment him today. It is getting hot here, therefore the garage, where he works on the jeep, is getting hot. I came home today and he was standing in front of a 5 gallon bucket that he had made into an air conditioner that he is running on a battery that he charged with his solar panels! It's pretty neat, he says it works great and the garage was nice and cool earlier! I told him how cool I thought it was and how crafty he was. I was also able to reinforce that later at dinner expressing to the girls how crafty their dad is! Also, he grilled the chicken so I threw "good chicken" out there too...it was good, not giving fake compliments!

I may have screwed up, can't be sure he knows. He has his old iPhone (from last summer) out in the garage on a speaker, I had asked him before what the password is so I could listen to music when I was out there. He wouldn't give it to me "it's my old phone" which I of course took as there is stuff on there he doesn't want me to see. I of course have tried to figure out the password since. He had it charging on the counter and I again took some guesses at the password...it disables after so many attempts and you have to wait X minutes to try again. This evening when I came home it was gone, not back in the garage either. If he entered the wrong password he would have figured out that I attempted to get on it. Of course I did some mind reading and just knew he was mad about it...:) So he may or may not know that I tried to snoop but the lesson is SNOOPING DOES NOT PAY!