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Are DB and DR one of the books you've read? We'll be able to help your particular sitch if we know you understand the basic concepts.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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NoleGrl Offline OP
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Pyrite, I'm sorry that your kids have to go through this, it really isn't fair to them. I can say that I am glad that we don't have kids as it would just make it harder.

MrBond, yes, I have read DR a few times.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Thanks for replying. Yes, WAS's behavior can be disturbing. It's easy to feel like a victim already, then when you see the way they act sometimes it can validate those feelings. But really, you say you're not the same person you were...well, maybe in a couple of years he won't be the same person he is now. Not fair to forgive yourself and not allow him the same opportunity to grow.

Again, every time the right answer is to look in the mirror. It's not about assigning blame, comparing who's worse, or anything like that. It's just about doing the only thing you can- taking 100% accountability for your situation and doing what works to change yourself.

You mention you've read a lot of books and have grown a lot. For me I find it useful to talk about the breakthroughs I'm having, the changes I'm making, the things I see differently. It's a positive log of progress I can go back to, and hold myself accountable to. I'd love for you to share some of the things you are working on now and how that's going.

Keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Maybe it's just too late or maybe I'm not growing at all, but I'm having a hard time answering that tonight. I'll get back to you.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Zues,

Can you please explain how you've arrived at this conclusion?


Originally Posted By: Zues126
I reread the last couple of pages. This along with many other posts I've read this week has inspired me to write the following sentence:

*********The biggest threat to the LBS's growth is the WAS's behavior.**********



To me, no one can ever threaten your own growth unless you permit the behavior to interfere with it. If someone wants to act "as stupid as stupid gets", that's on them...not you. I fail to see how the WAS' behavior is the "biggest threat" to a DBer's growth.

I've witnessed amazing growth among many DBers here despite and in spite of their WASes ornery behaviors and choices.

Again, how does a WAS' behavior threaten one's personal growth??

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NoleGrl Offline OP
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Thank you Wonka for visiting my thread. I can't answer for Zues, but I think that at least for me when I let my emotions take over and react to WAS' behavior I am sabotaging my own growth. Unfortunately I am still not as detached as I need to be and his behavior still affects me. That is something I am working really hard on. I have to continue to remind myself that he is on his path and I am on mine. I hope our paths will cross again but I'm not so sure.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Originally Posted By: Zues126

You mention you've read a lot of books and have grown a lot. For me I find it useful to talk about the breakthroughs I'm having, the changes I'm making, the things I see differently. It's a positive log of progress I can go back to, and hold myself accountable to. I'd love for you to share some of the things you are working on now and how that's going.


I'm not sure I ever said I've grown a lot. I mentioned some of the things I have been doing since this started like reading, doing a 12 week study "What is it like to be married to me", seeing my C twice a month, GALing. The problem is "in real life" (aka outside of my marriage) I am a pretty easy going, calm, even keeled person. I am very organized and like to have a plan, but I generally don't have to control that plan if that makes sense. And to a certain extent, I was like that in my marriage. But I think the anger towards H for cheating on me a year into our marriage took over. And then it was like every little thing H did was a bigger issue to me. It may have been a little issue, but to me it was part of a bigger issue and it just built up until it came out in an outburst. I digress....I'm not writing this to blame, just kinda putting out there where I think my issues come from.

Anyway, anger is not a problem outside my marriage. I don't yell at my family, friends or co-workers. Ever. So, some of the growth is digging down and trying to figure out why I am so angry with H and how to deal with that in a more healthy way. And it's hard because I am still angry with him, now for leaving and not honoring his vows and just giving up on our marriage. But by recognizing my part in it and working with my C I am starting to let that go. Really trying to forgive him for his part in all this. So I think that is a little growth (though when he is pushing my buttons it is really hard to control those emotions).

Sorry if this was rambling and I'm still not sure I answered your question fully.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Just a little journaling/updating. Got back from my girls weekend in Nashville yesterday and had a great time. It was really good to just get away from all this for a little while.

On Thursday H texted me and asked if I had come up with a proposal (for division of assets for divorce) and when I wanted to meet to discuss. I replied that I had not had time to go through everything and asked him if he had his proposal ready. He said no. I told him that we could meet next week as I was out of town until Sunday. He said to have fun in Nashville. A little later he texted me to see who was watching the dogs while I was gone. I let him know the pet sitter would be coming. I received an alarm notification that the garage door was open, so I asked him if he was at the house. He said yes as he needed to get some things. (A prior boundary was that I asked him to let me know when he needed to come by to get things as it was unsettling to come home to things missing from the house. He's taken a mop and bucket, car wash supplies, cleaning supplies, etc. which I only noticed when I went to use something and found it was gone.) So I said, please don't just come over to the house without letting me know, as you do not live here anymore. He said it's still my house too.

When I got home last night he had brought back all the towels and sheets he had taken when he moved out, as well as the duvet from the guest bedroom, and left them in the hamper.

Then this morning he texted again regarding meeting to split the assets. I said I didn't think it would be very productive until we had both exchanged our proposals and had a chance to review them (none of our previous discussions have gone well as we both have different ideas of what is "fair"). I let him know that I was busy Tuesday and Wednesday but could meet after that. He said he was going to be out of town from Wednesday through Sunday and then asked how my trip was. I said it was really fun. Then he said he hopes we can do this without lawyers. I said I hope so too but we will have to see.

When I got home from work today he had a notification of an address change. By buying new towels and sheets, changing his address and pushing me to meet to divide our assets, it sure feels like this is becoming more permanent...he is also going days between contact when not too long ago, he texted every day. While I didn't feel ok, it definitely didn't knock the wind out of me like it would have a couple weeks ago, or let's be honest even a week ago. Maybe this detachment thing is slowly happening.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Nole Girl I'm glad to hear that you went on a girl's weekend. Are you taking care of yourself in other areas, like sleep, eating, exercise?


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
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Hi Nole,

So... what do you like about this guy?

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