and I've learned a lot here. I haven't been perfect, but I've gotten a lot of insight into my behavior and my marriage, and that things can work out if both people work at it. Over the past 3 yrs or so, a lot has happened. My H had an affair, we've gotten counseling, he's moved out (for a few weeks) a couple of times, and we've had some huge detrimental fights that have caused the bulk of our problems. However, one constant for me has been that I have never, ever considered leaving. I always wanted to work it out, no matter what. On our "on" times, we get along very well.
Back in January we had an argument that erupted into a huge horrible fight. Things were said, and then he hit below the belt with horrible character assassinations at me and screaming, while we were on the freeway, and I asked him to please stop. (There was nowhere to walk away to). When he continued to insult me and scream, I shot back with cursing. It continued to escalate and went to such a low place that it was all I could do to just give up at the moment. At the culmination of it, I told him he should leave (which, to be fair I had said I wouldn't do again last time I said it). I just couldn't take another moment of hearing such horrible things being said to me / about me and I folded. For the next few days, we rarely spoke, he said he was in fact moving out and another week or so went by.
On the date of our wedding anniversary a week later, I approached him to see where his head was at and asked if he wanted to talk, just to be sure it wasn't just a battle of wills to see who would talk first. I asked him if he still wanted to try to work things out, and he said no, that he was still planning on leaving. I then found out had already told some of his friends, and was looking for a place, with two options of places to live or stay in process.
Something happened on that last argument that shut me down and really caused me to consider if this was something that was even right for me anymore. I didn't think I was any better than him or "more right", in fact I was disappointed in the way I behaved in the fight. I just felt so attacked, I didn't know what else to do that night. I also feel like for years we haven't had the kind of intimacy that a couple might have, sometimes it's more like roommates who seem to really like each other a lot and have fun together (when things are good). There is a lot of love there, but my question to myself was, are we even good for each other? Is this a good partnership? When two people can operate that way and speak like that to each other, how will that dynamic ever change? Do I just never piss him off?
So I just said ok to not working it out anymore, and closed the door emotionally. I got busy with work and prepared again for him to leave. This has been a theme with him for years, we get into an argument, it blows up and he says he's leaving and then stonewalls me for weeks or a month, moves out, removes his ring, and refuses to speak to me. Is much of that my doing? I'm sure it is. But I don't see it as a solution either. It's been happening since even before we married. I suppose I knew what I was getting into.
Fast forward a week or two later. He seemed to have changed his mind, and told me he actually didn't want to leave. I was half relieved, and half guarded though..one of the two apartment living arrangements fell through, and the other really wasn't ideal. I suspected he was thinking that it might have been a better move for him to stay at our place, knowing we have a great place, with space for the dogs, it's not pricey for two people, etc.
He suddenly was telling me I was beautiful, wanted to be intimate, and was saying he knew how mean he could be and didn't like it. I've never heard him say anything like this. We agreed to try again, knowing that "we didn't know what would happen". Still, it was something.
Even with this happening, something inside me couldn't see past all of the hurtful things he had said again that night. It cut me so deep. Many of them were true, and one thing he said in particular was something that had to do w his affair (that I didn't know about). Even though we both apologized and made up, it was the first time that I seriously considered leaving for good.
Over the last month or so, I've been cautious but working at it. There haven't been any fights, but I could see he was watching me. He was also for the first time ever, buying me things, picking me flowers, and just being someone I didn't recognize. I wanted to really enjoy it, but in my heart I felt it was a little too late....
He mentioned that I seemed very distant and wanted to know why. I let him know I was tentative because of the repeated threats of leaving, and the cruelty. That I'm not perfect, but I just can't understand why after all of that prep to really leave, he came back. And so I was guarded.
Then 2 weeks ago we had a small argument, and I asked him if we had another fight, would he still threaten to leave and he said yes. I told him I couldn't keep doing that, because it felt so unsafe to me to have to always be scrambling to figure out what I was going to do, while he took off, physically or emotionally. I let him know that if that was the case, I didn't think I wanted to do this anymore and that maybe this wasn't good for me anymore. So we've been "separated" ever since. He's looking for a place. There have been no arguments, things are peaceful, although we were both very upset about it.
I told him I'm not 'kicking him out' at all. If he needed another month, that was fine with me. I want him to be ok.
On the one hand I feel like this is the right thing to do, to let him go and let me rebuild my life. I have doubts that things will ever change. On the other hand, I love him very much. It's not perfect, but he has been a good partner in ways I like. I'm doubting myself because I don't know what lies on the other side. When I see him sad, my heart breaks. I'm so very confused. What if I'm making a mistake??
But the alternative is also not good. What if nothing changes and it's always like this? After seven years, I just feel like it's time to make a decision. I don't want to wake up one day 10 or 20 yrs from now, thinking "Why didn't I leave?"
I'm open to any thoughts on the subject. I think I know what's best for me, but I am having a hard time trusting myself.
So do you want to leave because that is the only thing left to CONTROL? What is your life going to look like? Do you really need to leave to make that happen?
I don't want to leave for any kind of control. This is the first time that I've made any decision to leave. As I've said, I'm not perfect at all, I just feel like there should be some basic tenets in place, and there's no safe emotional place for me with the way things have gone. I've allowed bad behavior and I'm not ok with it anymore. If I can't trust my partner not to cross a line that I've asked him not to cross, I don't know what else to do.
It's for my sanity; I don't see living the rest of my life under the threat of someone leaving me again and again or icing me out for weeks at a time. It's been happening for almost a decade. That and the really damaging remarks about me, my character, and the repeated attacks on any sensitivities I might have when we argue - it's simply not ok with me.
What will my life look like - financially I'll be ok, although it will be a bit tighter. Emotionally I think is the tough part; losing a partner is going to be hard, and I do love him and many things about him. I just don't see being disrespected regularly with no end in sight being a lifelong process that I can put up with.
Thank you Cadet, I appreciate that... I just don't see being disrespected regularly with no end in sight being a lifelong process that I can put up with.
Bestgal, I AGREE . This is similar to a recent experience I had ( Cruelty > me shuttig down > h being really nice). Too much to get into right now as I **posted a little earlier, left & was wrapping up, but HAD TO POST to you on reading this. I can relate ... (** my switch sitch > msg #2564220 )
Anyway, my reaction also resulted in the switch (!!??). I was also confused by this switched behaviour ( how can the lbs 'interpret this?' - it's just weird!)
This is not real to me, not healthy and therefore does not sseem 'sustainable.' Since my h made behvioural changes re social life, that got my attention so I continue to observe. However, I think caution is prudent with this level of 'flux'. It can 'go' anywhere ...
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
I'm in a similar situation. The brain and heart aren't quite in the same page. It sounds like you've determined some boundaries in things that you're just not okay with and things you must have from the relationship. I know it's easier said than done but you have to do what's right for yourself and your future. It may not necessarily be what you want. I just presented my H with papers yesterday even though a D is not what I want. But I KNOW that I can't be in a marriage like this and he has no inclination to help change it
Thank you Pbetra, I'm glad you wrote. I keep trying to read your original 'switch sitch' thread, but for some reason the page won't load.
As the weeks have gone by, I still feel a sense of sadness of course, but I feel like I'm making the right decision for me. (And maybe for him - after all, he's been threatening to take off for years, ha ha!)
He found a place and will be moving out in 5 days. While I think we're both mixed about it, the good news is that we're very kind to each other, there's no yelling, fighting, cruelty or painful ignoring. It's just logistics, helpfulness and caring and there's a nice levity to my heart that I haven't had in a long long time. Everything has been done in a spirit of 'what can I do for you' which is super surprising and really cool to experience! There are a few things we need to wrap up and we'll probably stay in touch to some extent...but on my good days, I feel like this is one of the most self-loving and healthiest choices I've ever made.
I still believe in love and marriage, and maybe I'll do it again someday! I just don't think this was ultimately the right fit for us. I will never regret this relationship and will be taking from it all of the many good things that came with it, as well as what I still need to work on for me. But I guess we have to listen to our heart and soul, and mine is pretty clear about my next step.
I may post here again, but in the meantime, I do want to say thank you to anyone who has ever checked in and replied to my posts, as well as all of the successful marriages that have been bettered due to DB, and all of the wonderful posts I've read here. I'm in serious awe of the strength I've witnessed on this forum, and I don't know of many other places that people are so willing to dig in and do the work it takes to keep the love they know they deserve. Best of everything to each one of you on this board...
Your post is inspiring. Who knows? I might be next, walking down the very road you're on right now! I am yet to see if h will continue with the dishonesty he has or begin to heal. However, in my case it's not been very long (just over a year).
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
I keep trying to read your original 'switch sitch' thread, but for some reason the page won't load.
As the weeks have gone by, I still feel a sense of sadness of course, but I feel like I'm making the right decision for me. (And maybe for him - after all, he's been threatening to take off for years, ha ha!)
So much of what you write I can honestly relate to. I am beginning to feel this way even though it isn't 'years' for me as yet. However, I do feel that sadness. And why wouldn't we? - this IS sad. All of it - sadness from childhood, fermenting & churning and expressing itself to who ever (unknowingly)comes along ... that's us the spouse! I try to improve as best as I can (it's tough sometimes, the roadblocks I meet) and do feel less hopeful than before, but only time will tell. I can only try to work on myself in the interim while fate ... life deals me 'that card' revealing to me a miracle or a less favourable outcome.
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
He found a place and will be moving out in 5 days. While I think we're both mixed about it, the good news is that we're very kind to each other, there's no yelling, fighting, cruelty or painful ignoring.
Amen re bold, above (yelling etc) I am happy to read of this. how will you handle the day 5? Prepare yourself re: feel good things to stay strong.
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
It's just logistics, helpfulness and caring and there's a nice levity to my heart that I haven't had in a long long time... ...but on my good days, I feel like this is one of the most self-loving and healthiest choices I've ever made.
re bold, immediately above. I think so too - the space away from the twists & turns right now will be healthier
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
I still believe in love and marriage ... will never regret this relationship and will be taking from it all of the many good things that came with it, as well as what I still need to work on for me. But I guess we have to listen to our heart and soul, and mine is pretty clear about my next step.
listen to heart, soul yea!!
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
I may post here again, but in the meantime, I do want to say thank you to anyone who has ever checked in and replied to my posts, as well as all of the successful marriages that have been bettered due to DB, and all of the wonderful posts I've read here. I'm in serious awe of the strength I've witnessed on this forum, and I don't know of many other places that people are so willing to dig in and do the work it takes to keep the love they know they deserve. Best of everything to each one of you on this board...
Am happy for you Bestgal. BEST to you too Bestgal! Keep working on you! (Still hope that you 'pop' by when the dust settles & you get into your own customized rhythm!
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
. 
(yelling etc) I am happy to read of this. 