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Congratulations Onguard, this seems like excellent news.

It does seem from what you're saying that your W is coming to her senses. If you haven't asked for transparency in a while then I think it's time that you start laying out your conditions for a potential R, should that be what you want.

These things may include total transparency, no more visits to the fitness studio (can't she find a new one, or maybe go with you?), maybe a NC letter if applicable.

From what I've read it seems you may be approaching piecing. I have no experience of that at all but from what I've read it would seem that it's natural for you to feel a flood of emotions as the dynamics of your sitch change. My guess is ultimately you want your W back so make sure you don't make rash decisions based on emotion.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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Originally Posted By: Onguard
Starsky, thank you for all of the guidance that you have given me as well as countless others who are struggling to save thier marriages.

The momentum shift has continued over the past couple of weeks. I am getting stronger and she is doing more and more pursuing. Yesterday I was very busy going about my day and not paying much attention to her. I left the house to go pick up a new car and she called me as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. She asked me "why are you punishing me?" I said, I'm not, what are you talking about. She then went on to say how much she missed me and wanted to "Give our marriage a try with both feet in". She said things to me yesterday that I never thought I would hear:

"You used to tell me that I was acting like an alien had taken over my body. Well, you were right and looking back on the last year I cannot believe the things I did and said"

"I see you and I, 2 years from now, holding hands and walking on a beach. More in love than ever and knowing our relationship will never be vulnerable to anything like this again"

"Thank you for not letting go and for giving me a chance to come to my senses. You certainly had every right and reason to move on and it shows me how strong your love really is".

"I will never forgive myself for the choices I made and the pain I caused you".

There are more but I think you get the idea. However, even though she is clearly having a major shift in her emotions, she has still not agreed to total transparency. It has been a while since I asked for that but she knows it's a condition for me. She also has not stopped going to the fitness studio where she met her ap (who still teaches there). She goes at times when he is not there but knows how I feel about it.

My schedule is very full for the next 6 weeks and she knows it. I email her my forward calendar on a regular basis. There are a number of business trips as well as 2 personal trips with my friends. My GAL activities are in full force and I am loving it!

It is very emotional watching her "wake up" from this MLC as she is now calling it. So many nights I tried to accept that she was gone forever and I had no choice but to move on without her. What is even more interesting is watching her try to divorce-bust me! I can see her fear. She keeps asking me if I have met someone else. She sees that I am no longer suffering from depression and I am looking better than I have looked in 5 years. She sees that I am no longer focused on her. She is trying to act strong and display a take it or leave it attitude at times. For example, we have a date night scheduled this Friday at her request and she said yesterday that if I was really not sure about working on our marriage that we should just cancel Friday night. I responded by saying that I would like to have a pleasant, casual dinner with no relationship talk and that if she wanted something else then yes, we should cancel. I told her that I need more time to adjust to the new/old me. The non-depressed me. This past 18 months has been a nightmare and I am focused on engaging life again.

I really don't know what I want. I don't know if I can forgive her for abandoning me when I needed her most and for betraying me by having an affair. I will never forget the things she did or said to me while I was suffering so much. It feels very good to see her coming back to reality but I need to decide if I can forgive her and trust her again.



That ^^^^ is how it's done, folks. That is how you flip the whole "push-pull" thing on its head, and make the wayward spouse pursue YOU.

And exceptional job, OG, for remaining neutral until she is ready to offer you full NC and transparency. She may be very close to that, or she may NEVER offer it, but you are wise to not leap at her recently-less-foggy statements.

I wouldn't be shocked if she tried to initiate sex with you on your date night. Might want to think about how you're going to handle that.

Hang in there, and be ready to clearly state what you want and need when the time comes.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: alpha99
Congratulations Onguard, this seems like excellent news.

It does seem from what you're saying that your W is coming to her senses. If you haven't asked for transparency in a while then I think it's time that you start laying out your conditions for a potential R, should that be what you want.


Disagree, Alpha. He needs to wait for her to ask the essential "What will it take?" question, or make a "I'll do anything!" statement.

She's close, but to repeat his boundaries now -- when she hasn't asked -- only weakens them.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I bow to your superior wisdom Starksy smile


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: alpha99
I bow to your superior wisdom Starksy smile


Nah, I'm just old. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Yeah, OG!!!!!!!!! Standing ovation from this peanut gallery!!!

You are doing it EXACTLY right. I firmly stand behind Starsky and his words of wisdom and experience on waiting until W asks THE question: "What will it take?" THAT is when you have some capital to spend. I am SO glad you seem mentally prepared for this because it's so easy to budge a little when we're still vulnerable and our XWASs start showing signs of coming around. And as someone who's had to tell my fear to get lost to be able to flex a muscle or two, please hear me when I say: DO NOT BUDGE in the beginning stages, once W asks what it will take. Decide what you need, and don't settle for less than NC and a complete, firm transparency plan: all usernames/passwords and detailed cell-phone bills sent to you, etc. To me, the first steps felt like the hardest because I felt like - get this - I was violating my H's privacy and treating him like a child. I am now a year into piecing my M back together, and I am SO thankful I listened faithfully to my "old faithfuls" here and stuck to my convictions. Because, if I'm being honest, the first steps in piecing are actually the EASIEST parts of piecing. It gets hard, so make sure you create yourself a solid foundation built on your strength, honor and resolve.

I'm so, so happy for you, no matter how things go, because you're rocking YOU. Don't stop. (Get it! Get it!) (Sorry. I just got excited and had an old-school clubbin' moment.) laugh


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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Onguard, I'm pleased to read about how your sitch is going - and I'm rooting for you. I'm reading and learning as the Vets seem to feel you are doing some sterling DBing here.

Keep up the good work my friend!

T :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey OG what a turn around. You hear it so many times on this and other forums that when WAW see you moving on something pricks there conscience. They seem to finally see what they're losing.

I have no experience with R so I cant offer any advice other than tread carefully.
Starsky is right in that if your wife truly wants to work it out with you she should be offering to do what ever it takes.

You already know now you will be absolutely fine which ever way its goes. That is a good position to be in.

Good luck


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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I should add here -- for OG, and for anyone else following along -- that it's imperative that you do NOT come across as mean, vindictive or in any way "punishing" by your reticence to jump at the wayward spouse's first pronouncements about being interested in the marriage again.

Instead, it should be an attitude of "Hmmm, I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore," and you should be upbeat and strong about it -- even a little friendly (like you would treat a close neighbor). Ideally, this attitude would come across NATURALLY, because you really ARE now -- after all your GAL and introspection and behavior changes and improvements -- unsure about whether or not you want to jump back in to a previously-dysfunctional relationship with your wife. But even if you do NOT naturally feel that way, it's important to "fake it until you make it" at this critical stage.

I've said it before, repeatedly, and I'll say it again here: letting the formerly (or possibly STILL) wayward spouse back into the marriage too easily is THE #1 mistake I see people make here.

#1.

Slow and steady, OG, with Strength and Honor.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thank you all for your support and comments. It means a lot to me that you have followed my sitch and have been pulling for me the whole time. This past weekend we went to dinner and had a great time. We were out late and when we got home she was half dressed and brushing her teeth in the master bathroom. This is unusual because she has been using the guest room for over a year. Then she shut the door to the bedroom and basically attacked me. We ML for the first time in almost a year and then she fell asleep in my bed. In the morning I left early to workout and when I got home she was very affectionate and loving towards me. She said how good it felt to be in my arms again and how much she wanted us to build a new relationship together. I told her that I had a great night but that I need to take it one step at a time. Then she asked me "What do I have to do to convince you that I want us?" I said "You know my basic conditions that I would need before I could make any commitment. Full transparency and stop attending that spinning studio. However, I'm not ready for a full commitment today even if you were to agree to those conditions. I want us to take it slow and see if we can establish a connection. I love you and I will always love you but I have been through hell and I need some time to figure out what I really want. I need to determine if I can ever truly forgive you and trust you.

For the rest of the weekend she has acted like we were a couple again. She is hugging me and touching me a lot. She asked me what I want to do for our family trip this Summer. She asked me about events that we have been invited to with our former "couples" friends. I am being respectful, loving and positive with her. I have told her how good it feels to hear the things she has said to me. She has also continued to ask me if I am involved with any other women. She is clearly afraid of losing me.

She knows that I prefer our M to work. But she also knows that I have serious concerns about whether or not it can work. She knows I respect her and love her. She is a good person who made some horrible choices. She has admitted on multiple occasions that she was not herself and that it was a huge mistake that she wishes she could undo. My plan is to continue to live my life to the fullest. I am not making any decisions about my M until the time is right. I know it is a fine line that I am walking but I feel very secure with my course of action right now.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
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