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Py, nothing is harder than Limbo. Nothing is harder than being out of control. If we can't control our WAW back, it's easy to declare them gone forever, just because at least then we can try to accept it and move on. For some they actually do things to burn bridges just so there is closure. I'm glad you're not doing that. Now go the next step and accept the unknown.

I've got another verse I've quoted once before from Cat's Cradle, it just goes to show how deep our need to have all the answers runs. Just remember that we never get the answers. We just make them up because we're afraid of the unknown...

Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly,
Man got to sit and wonder why, why why?

Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land,
Man got to tell himself he understand.


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Py, nothing is harder than Limbo. Nothing is harder than being out of control. If we can't control our WAW back, it's easy to declare them gone forever, just because at least then we can try to accept it and move on. For some they actually do things to burn bridges just so there is closure. I'm glad you're not doing that. Now go the next step and accept the unknown.


great to hear from you Zeus. i am determined not to bourn any more bridges than I already have. If I had've consulted you/here at BD, i reckon we would be reconciling now - maybe? I was out of control angry after week 3, and I reckon I burnt enough bridges to strand myself. But yes - embrace the unknown. Easier said than done unfortunately.

-Py


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Thanks Cadet - thats the sort of "Dont write yourself off" encouragement i need


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Hey, I dont wanna read to much into this, so i will ask you guys. My W has emailed me 3 times in the past week. Nothing to suggest anything more than she is taking care of some things, nicely left dinner in fridge for post changeover with the girls.

anyway, this probably means nothing - even though she didn't email for 2 months, but she just sent another - should i reply "Thanks", or should I hold. Should I make holding always a rule? Even when it is quite an arbitrary reply.


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Hey, I dont wanna read to much into this, so i will ask you guys. My W has emailed me 3 times in the past week. Nothing to suggest anything more than she is taking care of some things, nicely left dinner in fridge for post changeover with the girls.

anyway, this probably means nothing - even though she didn't email for 2 months, but she just sent another - should i reply "Thanks", or should I hold. Should I make holding always a rule? Even when it is quite an arbitrary reply.

Is this something you NEED to respond to?


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is that the rule?

I dont NEED to for any other reason than courtesy really, or appear courteous, not angry with her. Although, having just now said that - i think it is a bit "sucky". In which case - I'm going with NO ?


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First, I just posted on Ten's thread, check it out smile

OK- easy to overthink this question so I will.

Obviously you don't want to be pursuing.
You don't want to allow her to treat you poorly and respond positively.
You don't want to always respond immediately.
You don't want to say too much as we know she'll find a way to negatively interpret almost anything

You do want to appear mature and calm
You do want to showcase your true self
You do want to allow her to continue to communicate with you


I believe you should operate with the following rules:

-Don't reply when she's rude. Do reply when she's courteous.

-Be brief in your replies.

-Use the 80% rule. Respond with 80% of the warmth she extends. (let her lead on this, don't crowd her, let her come to you)

-OK to reply quickly some of the time, just not every time. I wouldn't wait all of the time because then it looks like you're playing games.


Finally- don't read too much into it. My WAW sent me increasingly nice emails the entire time she was with OM, then talked about reconciliation, then she 180'd and pulled away hard, never looking back since.

So NO EXPECTATIONS. I can't predict the future but I doubt things are just going to warm up little by little and start a fire again. Reality is it could be a year of moving on, then a rock bottom, then another year passing, then her looking you up when the dust has settled. Or she might never look back. Or she will get warm, then pull away again. Yes, it's possible it just falls back together, but honestly you'll drive yourself crazy and only hurt your chances by reattaching. So follow that plan, and let it go.


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
is that the rule?

I dont NEED to for any other reason than courtesy really, or appear courteous, not angry with her. Although, having just now said that - i think it is a bit "sucky". In which case - I'm going with NO ?

There are NO rules.

You do what's best for YOU!!


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i think she would appreciate courtesy - but however long this would take to set in as a pattern, I think she would interpret it as though we've reached another plateau. I dont want her to plateau, I want her think "oh he didn't even say Thank-you, is he that rude/indifferent/angry". Obviously I dont want her to think rude or angry. Quite possibly she wouldn't give this a seconds thought. but it is all I have. We will have mediation in 2 days time, to discuss children. ATM we are in separate rooms, but I am considering requesting for face-face contact. Although, if i screw this up, I can't take it back. And not just WRT to W, but custody sitch. So i should leave it and wait for another opportunity I guess.


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
i should leave it and wait for another opportunity I guess.

I think that is a good idea


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