Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Georgia Bulldogs]

W then said that she was missing me a little this morning and she said that was why she called at 4am a few nights ago too.

This is flirting and an indication that while you are supposedly delaying the divorce and delaying reconciliation you likely could be having sex with her too under the guise of "well, we both have needs". Hysterical bonding would likely ensue but you don't discuss that with her upfront as she's NOT really that emotionally connected to you right now but her statements above indicate a desire to have sex with you as the appropriate man available to her right now versus "making love".

* she's your wife...to me there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are certain she's not having sex with anyone else (om) at the same time...it would be nice if you insisted on her getting tested first because who knows how many nurses and volunteers the Dr. OM has been banging in the hospital over the years but that gets to be a pretty dicey line of demands and questioning when trying to be cool and casual...still smart when you've got young children...don't want both of you catching something permanent. It's also important that you not be a sap about this and bug the crap out of her about sex or being too touchy feely over the top emotional about it.

[Defacto]

W then said that she was missing me a little this morning and she said that was why she called at 4am a few nights ago too.

This is flirting and an indication that while you are supposedly delaying the divorce and delaying reconciliation you likely could be having sex with her too under the guise of "well, we both have needs". Hysterical bonding would likely ensue but you don't discuss that with her upfront as she's NOT really that emotionally connected to you right now but her statements above indicate a desire to have sex with you as the appropriate man available to her right now versus "making love".

* she's your wife...to me there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are certain she's not having sex with anyone else (om) at the same time...it would be nice if you insisted on her getting tested first because who knows how many nurses and volunteers the Dr. OM has been banging in the hospital over the years but that gets to be a pretty dicey line of demands and questioning when trying to be cool and casual...still smart when you've got young children...don't want both of you catching something permanent. It's also important that you not be a sap about this and bug the crap out of her about sex or being too touchy feely over the top emotional about it.

GB, I don't know if this was really her flirting or her wanting to have sex with me. When W tried calling me at 4 and 5 in the morning a couple of days ago, she was at work so it wasn't like she woke up desiring me sexually. We have had sex only twice since BD. Plus, I really don't know if W has stopped A or started with an OM2.



Journaling:
W just left from my house after picking up the kids. I have no idea what W did last night and I didn't ask. She brought lunch over for the kids and I. W was her for about an hour or so. We talked casually about meaningless stuff and had an enjoyable time. Then W asked if would be able to meet with her and her L on Monday. I told W that I wouldn't be able to make it because I have a busy day at work. W said she understood and did say any more about it. W then asked if I could email her the account statements from our investments so she could fill out the financial affidavit. I said sure.

I helped load the kids in the car. I told W to have a great night with the kids. W put her arms out to give me a hug. While giving me a hug, W said, "Why do you have to smell so good?" I didn't respond.

I had a great day with the kids and plan to go see a movie tonight with some friends. I hope everybody's Saturday is going well.

[Defacto]

Picked up kids from W this afternoon. Spent some time together with kids and W in the front yard. W complimented my outfit that I had left on from church. W later gave me a hug, held it for about 10-20 seconds, and said it was good to see me. I told W it was good to see her too.

Once we got kids loaded into my car, W, her parents, and I spent some talking laughing and talking around the car. I leaned in, touched W on the arm, and wished her some rest and a good night at work. W said thank you and appeared to genuinely mean it. I finished buckling up the kids and W gave me a goodbye hug. I again wished her a safe night at work. It was a brief but positive encounter.

My intent today was to do a slight 180 and to add a little physical touch to our interactions. It seemed to go well. W is going to have to begin feeling some connection with me again. I think I can only take the stoic approach so far.

Apparently, W no longer intends to call to check on kids like she usually does on her work nights. Not sure why this change and I can't worry about it either. Just an observation.

[Defacto]

W did end up calling last night from work. W stated that she knew the kids were asleep but she wanted to see how they were doing. I responded with joy when I described our afternoon together. I then asked W how work was going and we talked briefly about her night. We ended call and W said, "Call me if you need anything."

Also, I emailed W all the copies of our investment statements that she had been asking for so she could fill out the financial affidavit. She replied, "Wow. Thank you so much."

This morning, W texted me a video of D4 from 3 years ago.

I guess the question I have now is if this approach is succeeding in making meaningful connections with W OR securely placing me in the friend zone, making decision to D me that much easier?

I know W has an appointment with her L today at 2. We'll see what comes of that.

[Defacto]

W called around 11am to ask me some clarifying questions on the investment statements I sent by email yesterday. W also asked how the kids were last night and this morning. W said that she was waiting for a life insurance person to show up at her parent's house. Not sure what this is about, probably nothing...

W texts me later to see if I would look into a childcare subsidy from my job.

W then texts: I'm working through this financial stuff and it's making me so sad.
I reply: I know. I'm pretty devastated by it too.
W replies: I'm so sorry. I never would have thought this could happen to us of all people.

Fifteen minutes later, W calls to see how I'm doing. I tell W I am doing well and I am on a hike. W starts to cry. W then tells me that she is sorry, never expected this to happen to us, it all happened so fast, and is worried about me. I tell W that I am devastated by everything and for the kids, but I will be ok. I tell W thanks for thinking of me.

I listen to W cry and talk and give her time. I then tell W that I want her to be happy and I know that she will make the best decision for her. We talk about the kids some more and W says she will try hard to be a good mom to our kids. I tell W that I know she will be.

I tell W that I'm sorry she is having a tough time and to call if she needs anything. W replies with you too.

What do you guys think? Good approach? Bad approach?

I'm trying to show a little more emotion, be more vulnerable.
Plus, I wanted to throw that line in there about trusting W to make the right decision for her. It came from a book I'm reading called Getting Back Together. I think saying things like that is a 180 from my tendency to devalue her personhood in our MR.

[Defacto]

Hello? Anybody out there?

My W removed her cell phone from our joint plan but for some reason, I still have access to her phone records. I decided to check W's phone records to get some intel on level of contact with OM. What I found was that following the exposure of the A to OM's W, there is next to no phone calls between W and OM. Then there are a few outgoing calls to OM near the end of April. Then what I see near the end of April are outgoing calls every other day or so from a doctor's office located where I know OM works.
So this is either OM going underground a bit or a new OM. My money is on the OM just trying to hide his calls to my W from his W.

There is no way to track the text messaging however as they both have iMessage.

Moral of the story is that there is still contact with OM. Obviously, this [censored]. However, it also indicates that my W is still in an A induced fog and I just need to stay on my present course. The exposure of the A certainly impacted it.

Obviously, OM is trying to hide A from his W. It is pretty disgusting that my W is willing to destroy our MR and family over an OM that isn't willing to even stand up to his own W.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Might be the perfect opportunity to text the OM's wife nicely with some carefully worded niceties that I mentioned before and then asking if she recognizes the following phone number that's been calling your wife's cell phone at {give approximate times and dates ]. Mention you were encouraged because the phone calls between OM's cell phone and your wife's had stopped for several weeks but these calls made you suspicious and that's the only reason for the text (you are seemingly respecting her apparent wish to not communicate unless it's important in a calm fashion).

You MIGHT end up losing this source of monitoring your wife but you really can't reconcile while they work together anyway. Her leaving that job (or OM leaving) just has to happen. There's no way you can be expected to sit around trusting her at that job when you know OM is around. It's unfair to you and unfair for you to be expected to tolerate it. It's got to be a firm boundary. I think she'll only leave the job if the affair is actually over so it's a pretty solid litmus test. Hopefully this recent contact is just some closure contact. Closure contacts [censored] and is completely stupid, unreasonable and hurtful but it's hopefully them just checking in with each other, how the lying is going for OM and TRYING to end it versus secret affair bliss.

They might think you've key logged her phone versus having a copy of the bill still. Giving approximate times might help mislead them that you weren't looking at the bill. If you lose access, oh well, that's hours of your day not staring and refreshing a cell phone bill saved.

She may be buying his lies but when she questions him whether he's talked to your wife by phone and he denies it....she may realize she's being lied to and put the screws to OM harder.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

W called around 11am to ask me some clarifying questions on the investment statements I sent by email yesterday. W also asked how the kids were last night and this morning. W said that she was waiting for a life insurance person to show up at her parent's house. Not sure what this is about, probably nothing...

W texts me later to see if I would look into a childcare subsidy from my job.

W then texts: I'm working through this financial stuff and it's making me so sad.
I reply: I know. I'm pretty devastated by it too.
W replies: I'm so sorry. I never would have thought this could happen to us of all people.

Fifteen minutes later, W calls to see how I'm doing. I tell W I am doing well and I am on a hike. W starts to cry. W then tells me that she is sorry, never expected this to happen to us, it all happened so fast, and is worried about me. I tell W that I am devastated by everything and for the kids, but I will be ok. I tell W thanks for thinking of me.

I listen to W cry and talk and give her time. I then tell W that I want her to be happy and I know that she will make the best decision for her. We talk about the kids some more and W says she will try hard to be a good mom to our kids. I tell W that I know she will be.

I tell W that I'm sorry she is having a tough time and to call if she needs anything. W replies with you too.

What do you guys think? Good approach? Bad approach?

I'm trying to show a little more emotion, be more vulnerable.
Plus, I wanted to throw that line in there about trusting W to make the right decision for her. It came from a book I'm reading called Getting Back Together. I think saying things like that is a 180 from my tendency to devalue her personhood in our MR.

I think this is encouraging. Like that you used the word "devastating". You may next want her to just put the divorce on delay mode because as soon as she gives the lawyers the green light....that money/retainer is GONE. They will have their secretary draft the documents and whether she files or not...the document preparation will end up totaling about the amount of the retainer. Just a couple weeks or months. She can already see her feelings are changing from hate and bitterness to just not absolutely sure. Why not give it a little time. She's got the rest of her life to be divorced.

It's NOT saying or committing to reconcile. Just some time...maybe give the kids one last summer together.....

THEN...distract her by saying "you want to come hiking with us this weekend".

Waywards LOVE to procrastinate and avoid reality. Only stay heavy or sad for a couple of minutes and then divert to something fun.

[Defacto]

Woke up today and decided to check my W's phone records one last time. Saw that the doctor's office made a 24 minute phone call yesterday afternoon. It's pretty clear to me now, some manifestation of the A is still going on. Pretty sure I don't have any more reason to check those phone records for a while.

Might be the perfect opportunity to text the OM's wife nicely with some carefully worded niceties that I mentioned before and then asking if she recognizes the following phone number that's been calling your wife's cell phone at {give approximate times and dates ]. Mention you were encouraged because the phone calls between OM's cell phone and your wife's had stopped for several weeks but these calls made you suspicious and that's the only reason for the text (you are seemingly respecting her apparent wish to not communicate unless it's important in a calm fashion).

You MIGHT end up losing this source of monitoring your wife but you really can't reconcile while they work together anyway. Her leaving that job (or OM leaving) just has to happen. There's no way you can be expected to sit around trusting her at that job when you know OM is around. It's unfair to you and unfair for you to be expected to tolerate it. It's got to be a firm boundary. I think she'll only leave the job if the affair is actually over so it's a pretty solid litmus test. Hopefully this recent contact is just some closure contact. Closure contacts [censored] and is completely stupid, unreasonable and hurtful but it's hopefully them just checking in with each other, how the lying is going for OM and TRYING to end it versus secret affair bliss.

They might think you've key logged her phone versus having a copy of the bill still. Giving approximate times might help mislead them that you weren't looking at the bill. If you lose access, oh well, that's hours of your day not staring and refreshing a cell phone bill saved.

She may be buying his lies but when she questions him whether he's talked to your wife by phone and he denies it....she may realize she's being lied to and put the screws to OM harder.

I'm not sure I'm ready or wanting to travel down this road again. I would feel different if OM's W decided to stay in contact with me. I will think about this some more though.

W called around 11am to ask me some clarifying questions on the investment statements I sent by email yesterday. W also asked how the kids were last night and this morning. W said that she was waiting for a life insurance person to show up at her parent's house. Not sure what this is about, probably nothing...

W texts me later to see if I would look into a childcare subsidy from my job.

W then texts: I'm working through this financial stuff and it's making me so sad.
I reply: I know. I'm pretty devastated by it too.
W replies: I'm so sorry. I never would have thought this could happen to us of all people.

Fifteen minutes later, W calls to see how I'm doing. I tell W I am doing well and I am on a hike. W starts to cry. W then tells me that she is sorry, never expected this to happen to us, it all happened so fast, and is worried about me. I tell W that I am devastated by everything and for the kids, but I will be ok. I tell W thanks for thinking of me.

I listen to W cry and talk and give her time. I then tell W that I want her to be happy and I know that she will make the best decision for her. We talk about the kids some more and W says she will try hard to be a good mom to our kids. I tell W that I know she will be.

I tell W that I'm sorry she is having a tough time and to call if she needs anything. W replies with you too.

What do you guys think? Good approach? Bad approach?

I'm trying to show a little more emotion, be more vulnerable.
Plus, I wanted to throw that line in there about trusting W to make the right decision for her. It came from a book I'm reading called Getting Back Together. I think saying things like that is a 180 from my tendency to devalue her personhood in our MR.

I think this is encouraging. Like that you used the word "devastating". You may next want her to just put the divorce on delay mode because as soon as she gives the lawyers the green light....that money/retainer is GONE. They will have their secretary draft the documents and whether she files or not...the document preparation will end up totaling about the amount of the retainer. Just a couple weeks or months. She can already see her feelings are changing from hate and bitterness to just not absolutely sure. Why not give it a little time. She's got the rest of her life to be divorced.

It's NOT saying or committing to reconcile. Just some time...maybe give the kids one last summer together.....

THEN...distract her by saying "you want to come hiking with us this weekend".

Waywards LOVE to procrastinate and avoid reality. Only stay heavy or sad for a couple of minutes and then divert to something fun.

GB, I have to admit I'm a little discouraged by my latest piece of intel. It stinks to know that the A is still going on AND I will probably get served. W knows I don't want a D however if she continues to open up emotionally about it, I might suggest putting the D on ice for now.

I'm not giving up in the least, just feeling overwhelmed with knowing I am fighting the A and the D. I can't control W or how she feels. But I have taken this time to read a few more relationship books ( we can talk about these if anyone wants to ).

[Defacto]

Also, any advice on how to handle Mother's Day?

D4 painted a coffee mug for W. Plus I want to get a card for W from the kids. W works overnight so I was thinking of asking W to come over after her shift to give her the mug and card. I was contemplating D4 and I making breakfast for W also.

Too much? I will say that everything was from the kids.