So I ignore the text from W so she calls me and I ignore that call. Then W calls again. This time I answer.
W says she is afraid that I am going to screw her over. W says she is having a panic attack. I tell W that I have no intent of hurting her and tell her I will be respectful and honorable. W tells me she is afraid I will leave her with nothing and try to take the kids. I tell W that she is still the mother of our children and I don't want to do her harm. I tell W that the kids need to be with their mother too. W says that she never intended to do me harm with everything that happened. I tell W that I understand.
W then tells me that she is trying to get a transfer from her floor because everything is crazy right now.
I let W talk a bit but I also don't want to provide too much support either. I ask her to take care of herself, to be safe at work, and have a good night.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
1. She is sending you a text that she can later show to her OM as a indication that she needs his protection and continued contact. Because you've exposed...OM is ignoring her at work. In order to get OM to be and/or remain her "knight in shining armor" she has to make him think you are a controlling, angry, violent bast age that she needs help and protection from (he's a doctor...they get off on helping people and solving their problems...they BE Gods, remember). It also relieves OM of responsibility if he's lead to believe you are a jerk who deserves to get cheated on.
No matter what you respond with.or even if you don't respond...she can alter it or add it and make it (your entire conversation) up and make it appear aggressive.
This could also be forwarded to OM for OM to give to his wife...who they want to keep from talking to you ever again. The story line there would be....don't talk to him. He's threatening me (OM) and his wife is scared for herself. They want OM's wife to believe you are a threat.
This made up conversation could be for her manager too. Trying to save her job by garnering fake sympathy.
2. If you cheated on her and she busted you....she KNOWS she would have flipped out. Betrayed wives are much more naturally aggressive at fighting for their spouse and getting ANGRY. She'd have called your OW's husband before she even talked to you. Therefore, she is VERY suspicious of your 180/GAL stuff where you are nice, kind and indifferent. You aren't chasing her anymore or even talking to her much. She thinks you have something up your sleeve and she can't figure it out. It's freaking her out. If this is it....it's perfect. She's focusing on you versus OM.
When guessing the behavior of drug addicts you always have to error towards the drugs. The drug is their primary relationship and everything done or said is somehow about the drug. Waywards tend to be similar which leads me to guess this more likely has something to do with the OM and her relationship with him.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
So I ignore the text from W so she calls me and I ignore that call. Then W calls again. This time I answer.
W says she is afraid that I am going to screw her over. W says she is having a panic attack. I tell W that I have no intent of hurting her and tell her I will be respectful and honorable. W tells me she is afraid I will leave her with nothing and try to take the kids. I tell W that she is still the mother of our children and I don't want to do her harm. I tell W that the kids need to be with their mother too. W says that she never intended to do me harm with everything that happened. I tell W that I understand.
W then tells me that she is trying to get a transfer from her floor because everything is crazy right now.
I let W talk a bit but I also don't want to provide too much support either. I ask her to take care of herself, to be safe at work, and have a good night.
A good response there...
1. Well why don't we all move to ____________ and just get new jobs???
2. Heck with a new floor, why not apply at a different hospital or medical facility???
It is encouraging to read how fast things have settled down from the exposure on the 15th. It shouldn't be too long before she might be ready to TRY to reconcile, if nothing else other than for the kids, initially.
Still have to get verifiable "no contact" before it's even a possibility and a separate floor just isn't far enough away from OM to be reliable at all.
Also...so you don't get blindsided...she paid a retainer for a lawyer. You COULD get served with a divorce. It's not likely as she still sounds hopeful you'll work together with one lawyer but most lawyers spend retainers as fast as they get them and don't ever want to have to refund one.....so, they start producing and filing documents ASAP to EARN that retainer before it's too late. Be prepared emotionally to get served. It's OK. It's just a piece of paper and another step in this process of recovery OR divorce.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Good morning all! A quick early morning LRT, detachment question...
W calls twice last night, at 4am and at 5am. I don't answer. W sends a text that says "You obviously don't care at all." I don't respond to the text either.
I feel like this is the right approach here. W needs to realize that I'm not her to support her under these current conditions. Besides, all W will want to talk about is how she is scared I will screw her over.
If W asks, what would be a good response to the missed calls/text?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
W calls me this morning after her work shift. W tells me she had a tough night emotionally and asks me if I got her calls. I tell W that my phone was on vibrate and I didn't see them until this morning. I talk a little bit about the kids and then ask W how work was and how she's doing. W responds that work was good but she had a tough night dealing with everything with us last night. I agree with W that this has been a tough time. W then says that it is just so hard to read me these days. I don't respond to this and there is a moment of silence.
I change the subject back to how great the kids were this morning and I tell W that I have a very busy morning at work and have to run. I wish W a good day and say that maybe I'll see her later if she drops off the kids.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - that sounds awesome! The validating and STFU are amazing to read. I'm just starting to understand that concept, but I agree with other posters - she's coming to you. Even though it's divorce related or kid related, you are on her mind. As she's panicking, OM will see/notice that and then the affair isn't 100% happy fantasy land. Stuff's getting real. Will he support her or want that? Who knows. But right now, her attention is on you and you are GAL, staying busy and the LRT seems to be having an effect!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Defacto - that sounds awesome! The validating and STFU are amazing to read. I'm just starting to understand that concept, but I agree with other posters - she's coming to you. Even though it's divorce related or kid related, you are on her mind. As she's panicking, OM will see/notice that and then the affair isn't 100% happy fantasy land. Stuff's getting real. Will he support her or want that? Who knows. But right now, her attention is on you and you are GAL, staying busy and the LRT seems to be having an effect!
Thanks Ripken! I'm always second guessing myself but I can feel myself getting more confident each day.
Who knows what W is thinking? I can't control that. But, this sitch has been a whole heck of a lot easier to deal with since W moved out.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
W calls to tell me that she is on the way over to drop off kids. Then W tells me that she spoke with her L today and her L told W that if I didn't agree to liquidate the money market, she would serve me D papers and sue me.
I respond by calmly saying that she can serve me the papers because I am not liquidating the account. I say that it is our family's money.
W asks me to explain my thought process because she is D'ing me and she will get half anyway. I tell W that I understand that but we are not D'd yet.
W then launches into this is why she can't stay married to me and that I am a financial terrorist and that I forced her to have sex, etc. W then brings up my talking to OM's W again and the whole stalker bit. I respond that I know that W has some valid reasons for D and she is free to proceed as she wishes. W asks me if I will be using her L. I say that I haven't even spoken with her L yet.
I can hear D4 repeating what my W is saying in the background. I ask W if we can talk about this some other time because I would like to focus on making dinner and getting ready to take care of kids.
When W drops off kids, I can tell she is mad because she will barely look at me. I just continue to smile and be cordial and wish W a safe night at work.
GB, I think I'll be getting those papers soon, rather than later. It's out of my hands. I will just continue to focus on me and the kids and remaining calm and confident.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
De facto, you are doing awesome. It's great to see your situation. I on the other hand am not. My wife is trying to kick me out of the house. It's so uncomfortable I'm not sure if staying here or separating would be best anymore. So hard to see her everyday and not interact. But if we separate lrt seems harder and with divorce going on the strategy of dragging feet and riding it out seemed to make sense.
Seems like in your case separation is helping.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Just my 2 cents. You really need to limit contact and conversations with your W to only kid related stuff. I know validating and what not is part of DB. But understand that there are apps on people's cell phones that record entire conversations. If you are validating her reasons for her actions those conversations may not help you should this end up in front of a judge. She is not anywhere near ready to work on the M and she seems to be baiting you quite a bit. My opinion is you need to remove yourself from those conversations completely.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
