Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[pilot]

I would not harp on it. Both sets of parents most likely want you two to work it out and since you are their children they sometimes feel obligated to intervene. I doubt any good ever comes of it as a WW does not want encouragement to work on the marriage but wants validation for the choices she is making. Most parents do not usually support infidelity on the part of their children so her parents are most likely out of the loop anyways. My W def spewed venom at both of our families as they tried to "help"

Not your fault. Just take it as it is and keep moving on.

[Defacto]

I would not harp on it. Both sets of parents most likely want you two to work it out and since you are their children they sometimes feel obligated to intervene. I doubt any good ever comes of it as a WW does not want encouragement to work on the marriage but wants validation for the choices she is making. Most parents do not usually support infidelity on the part of their children so her parents are most likely out of the loop anyways. My W def spewed venom at both of our families as they tried to "help"

Not your fault. Just take it as it is and keep moving on.

Pilot, thanks for the encouragement. I quickly realized that whatever was said between the mothers was truly a minor thing compared to the scope of all this.

I simply spent the rest of my night playing with D4 and everything settled into its right place.

Later that night, W texted to check on kids. I replied that they were wonderful. W replied by thanking me for being such a good dad.

Have a great Friday! Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and support.

[Defacto]

Journaling:

Quick recap of yesterday. W called me after her work shift. I let it go to voicemail because I was talking with MIL. Immediately after calling me, W calls MIL, who tells W that she was talking with me.

Ten minutes later W calls me back. I answer. Talk briefly about kids and future camping trip plans I have with D4. I keep it brief and wish W a good day.

In the afternoon, W texts to tell me that she bought (lease) a new car because she couldn't afford the payments of her old car and now the car payments wouldn't deduct from my checking account anymore.

I replied "Cool! What'd you get?"

W responded with the type of car and mentioned the features the car had that would benefit the kids.

I replied "That's great!"

W had mentioned wanting to trade in car before. Interesting that she does it now but no big deal.

Had another good day at work and go to my discussion group Friday night.

W texts me a funny quote from D4. I don't respond. A half an hour later, W calls me and said she was worried because I didn't reply to text.

I told W I was doing great. W asked if I was having fun. I then asked about kids and I talked about tomorrow's plans for the child exchange. W then asked me if I was ok. I replied by saying I was doing great. She asked the question again later in the call and I replied the same. (Not sure why she felt the need to ask this question twice. I felt that I was carefree on the phone. Oh well, won't try to mindread.)
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A month after BD, I reached out to an exgirlfriend because I was feeling insecure. We texted back and forth a bit but that's it. W did question me about it a few months ago and I admitted that I talked with ex but that was it. I have since tapered off communication with ex just because I realized my motives were questionable and I didn't want to jeopardize possible MR reconciliation. Now, the exgirlfriend is a member of this discussion group and I saw her again last night. I have no feelings for ex and no intention of anything happening between us.

I feel like it's not my problem if W is suspicious about me and ex. W hasn't really mentioned it in a while and I haven't done anything wrong. Any thoughts?

[Defacto]

Journaling:
W dropped off kids and then asked to talk with me upstairs. W hugged me and said she missed me. W asked me what I did last night. W said I smelled good and asked why I stopped wearing cologne before. W then hugged me two more times.

Later, W called from work to talk with D4 at bedtime. D4 and I were camping out in the living room. I could tell W was excited for D4 and the night I had planned. I wished W a good night and W ended call with "Love you."

I hope everyone had a great Saturday!

[Ripken8]

Wow! That's really inspiring that you're starting to see some of those results. Keep doing what you're doing with the lrt. It's apparent it's working and if you stop based on what she says she may just be trying to test you and make sure you're still there for her and then pull away again. As of 10 days ago, she was still in an affair, wanted a divorce and possibly going to date a separate om.

A lot of time. A lot of patience. A lot of consistency. You can do this!

[Defacto]

Ripken,

Thanks for the support. I agree these are encouraging signs but W has acted this way before too. I don't even know if the A is really over. Even so, it appears to be working to some extent. I agree that consistency and patience are the key to my approach.

D4 really loved our living room camp out last night. I'm really looking forward to taking the kids to the zoo this morning and just spending another wonderful day with them.

Have an inspired Sunday!

[Defacto]

Some notes from today...

This morning, W called 4.5 hours after shift supposedly ends (but her shift usually runs long). W tried calling twice and texting but I didn't hear phone while at zoo with kids. W said she wanted to talk with D4.

W asked D4 what she was doing and D4 told her she was at the zoo. Then W asked D4 who we were at the zoo with. D4 told her that we were with some family friends. D4 then told W she didn't want to talk with her. W seemed upset by this and asked me why D4 didn't want to talk with her. I told W that D4 was probably just distracted by the zoo.

I asked W if she was ok and she said that she was just tired. Then W asked if someone came over to my house last night. I told W that it was just me and the kids. (My hunch is that she asked this because I posted a picture to Instagram last night of me and D4 that I took with a timer on my iPhone). I then told W that I had to go because the kids were kind of rowdy. I told W that I hoped she got some rest.

W called again around 5pm to check in on kids and say hello. I told her about the kids day, W said my Instagram video was cool, but I kept it pretty brief on the phone, plus I could tell she was still tired.

W then called on her way into work to say goodnight to kids. I was laughing when W called and she asked me what was so funny. I told W that I was just playing with the kids. W talked with D4 a couple of times. As I was about to wish her a good night, W said she had a question.

W asked me for the password to the money market account (the account is in my name and I changed the password when all the drama started). W stated that we are in financial dire straits right now and we have a ton of bills that are coming in (our S1's emergency room bill, D4's school bill, and her L's retainer which W put on our Amex LOL). Plus, W said she needs it for the financial affidavit. I told W that I would have to look on my phone for the password later. W then told me again she thought it was a good idea to just use her L.

I could tell W was getting frustrated because the kids were getting loud in the background. I thanked W for being so good with the finances. W asked me to text her the account password again. I then moved towards ending the call and wished W a good and safe night at work.

I have no problem working out the family bills but I don't feel comfortable with W having the password right now. And I'm definitely not cool with using our family's money for her L. That's just crazy!

I think the best thing right now is for W and I to just sit down one night to work through the bills and we can divide up each party's share.

Then, to top it off, a few minutes ago, W texts me on some silly, unimportant work related topic. Does W really think that fifteen minutes after asking me to assist with a financial affidavit that I'm going to just carry on a silly text conversation with her?

[pilot]

Yes, she thinks exactly that. I am not sure how your finances are set up for your money market account. Who earned that money? You? Her? Both? If she has contributed to it, you cannot deny her access. If she has not but you have, then yea, I would hesitate before giving her access as you are likely to never see it again. If both of you contributed to it, then set aside what each of you contributed and split it properly.

As for her insisting you just use her L....hahaha. I do get a chuckle off of that

Keep it up. You seem to be doing a good job.

[Bob723]

Hello Defacto,

Keep it up with the LRT, it seems to be making a positive impact on your situation.

Like Ripken, I find it inspiring.

Can you feel yourself getting stronger?

Have a great evening.

Bob

[Defacto]

Pilot, in regards to the money market account, I'm 99.9% I was the only person who contributed to it during MR.

Bob, I do feel myself getting stronger. I feel better mentally, I look better physically, and I'm working on detaching emotionally (but stillI still have a long way to go). I still have my weak moments of course.
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So W texts me for the account password.

I reply with:
I will provide whatever information you need for the affidavit. I need to be more involved with the finances going forward. I'd like to sit down and help sort through the bills together.

W then calls to tell me that she doesn't understand me and that I can't deny her access to our savings. W starts berating me saying that the money market account is her money too because we got married. I simply tell W that I want to have input into how the bills are paid and I want to help her with the joint finances. W just asks why I won't give her the password. I calmly tell W that the account is in my name. W then launches into how I screwed her over because everything was in my name during MR.

I remain calm and just reply that the account is our family's money and I need to have a role in how the bills are paid going forward. I request a time to sit down to put a financial game plan together for paying bills.

W then tells me to have all my bank account passwords ready when we meet. I tell W that I will not do that and all that will get sorted out.
I move toward ending the call while W spews a few expletives my direction.

W calls again, but this time more calm, and asks why I want to hurt her. W states that these actions appear like I'm just trying to control her some more. I tell W that I have no intention of hurting her and I just reiterate that I want to be more involved and helpful with joint finances/bills. I let her talk some more and W tells me how damaging it was for all finances to be in my name only. I validate and agree that it must have been hurtful, etc.

Oh what fun!