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Originally Posted By: AHW99
Raliced. I have not shared this with anyone so far for a couple of reasons:

1) Don't really think I have any true friends here that I want to unburden with
2) Crazy I know but out of respect for my H. Don't want him to feel betrayed and once I share he can't really go back to being that great guy that everyone loves. I know that's probably a consequence he needs, but want to do it the right way

I do know I need to talk to a counselor. Have just been focused on kids because at 16 we have had some issues with alcohol, marijuana and the shoplifting issue.We start counseling with my son next week.

My H has been absent for a lot of their childhood because of his addiction. He tries to be a good dad but is very impatient. Truthfully the twins are hard to parent. They are goodlooking, smart, athletic and have lots of good traits but ADHD issues have been a challenge with school behavior. That's my focus now and you guys here have helped me to get my focus back on me and them.

Today has been a better day!



AHW- This is a case of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. I'm glad your kids are getting help - but they would also probably benefit tremendously from you being in a stronger place. Please don't put it off - find a counselor for yourself sooner than later.


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AHW,

Here's some crucial piece of advice you need to consider and implement right away.

1) Absolutely no talks about the OW. Look past her.
2) Tell H that he cannot text OW when around the house, around you, the kids.
3) Don't talk to H about the OW. You are not his friend. You are his WIFE.

Tell him straight up that it is disrespectful to talk to you about the OW. It ends right now. You're not having any of that nonsense polluting you.

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Your H "tries" to be a good dad?

I just love the word try, it excuses failure in advance.

AHW with all respect, you are the stable parent for your two sons. I love the oxygen mask analogy. Ground yourself.

Joe and Wonka are saying the same thing, this OW and any others waiting in the wings are irrelevant to you when your H is this addicted.

By covering for him, you are enabling his behaviour (when you read codependent no more then this will be clear to you).

My dearest one, you are clearly ready to mend your life and heal for your children. You have chosen to listen and act.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks vanilla. I know you are right. Am looking for a good counselor to help me. Don't even really know where to start. Tonight I found out that my H is planning to take the OW on a 4 day vacation to a remote island in the Bahamas. This hurts on so many levels

he is taking a big step in their relationship
it is a very special family place that he is sharing with her plus the 2 of us never went there alone
expensive trip
the weekend my daughter moves out of college housing into first real apt.

I told him I'm not trying to stop him from going but if he plans to do that he really needs to move out. He said if I go don't tell the kids about the affair let him talk to them. He said he will not move out. He wants me to give him two years to set the kids on the right path and essentially have me be the mom and provide the cover of respectability and he's not sure what he wants but he thinks its her but I owe him that. Then he basically threatened me by saying if he moves out he will never come back because they are so close and perfect,etc So I said that is completely selfish and if he knows now that that is what will happen he should move out now and try it out.

So I know that I should let him go. I'm just scared that he is right and I hate to be the one to push him out. Every time we talk we go in circles because I say something really straight forward and reasonable and he twists it into the past or something negative or irrelevant such as saying that I am using our kids.. I know I am right that he is actually doing that by saying I should stay in the farce of a marriage that he suggests for their benefit. I just need some help with the words to say what I want clearly and not let him confuse me


Me:54 H:54
M: 22 years
Kids: 3 D:20 S:16 S:16
BD: 3/21/15 PA/EA begun 11/14
PA/EA 2008 (9 months)
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Originally Posted By: AHW99


So I know that I should let him go. I'm just scared that he is right and I hate to be the one to push him out. Every time we talk we go in circles because I say something really straight forward and reasonable and he twists it into the past or something negative or irrelevant such as saying that I am using our kids.. I know I am right that he is actually doing that by saying I should stay in the farce of a marriage that he suggests for their benefit. I just need some help with the words to say what I want clearly and not let him confuse me


AHW- First of all - he's not right.

Second- you could be a silver tongued orator and say everything perfectly and its not going to make a difference. Not in the condition he is in. It's a time for action and not words. He is now spending family money on this. In addition to seeing a counselor, I would urge you to speak to a lawyer, sooner than later. Your husband is not behaving in any kind of honorable way - please protect yourself.


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Ahw I thought I would stop by and see how you are doing. Wonka, V and raliced are giving you great advice. I know you are confused on what to do. My W wants to try to keep the image of our family intact so the other people in town don't know. She lies to our kids. I decided to not be a part of her lies. I don't cover for her anymore. I have no proof of my W affair, but since I learned to take care of myself and detach I have started to see things a lot clearer. Raliced gave good advice. Legal advice would be a good idea. And counseling.

If my W told me she was going on a trip with another man to my face, I would help her pack. We would pack ALL her things. And then I would change the locks.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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Joe thank you for making me laugh a little. Maybe I should help him pack. I actually thought about that. Funny my H was married before me. He fell in love quickly because the sex was great (do you see a pattern here?) and got married. Apparently, she cheated on him after only a few months and he got mad and threw her out and all of her things in the yard. I have had visions of doing exactly that and letting him come back to find it all outside and the locks changed.

He told me he told OW that I found out about the trip and she suggested they postpone it. He thinks this is a loving, selfless gesture on her part and it's really just about postponing having to tell our kids daddy has a lover.

So hopefully some of you can help me. I can't force him to leave but I guess he will if I push it--I'm getting there but so afraid of the result.

I think it is time for me to stop covering up all of this. I really don't want to be vindictive or have him feel I am betraying him. DR seems to say you don't go out and tell people, but how does that work? He really has no consequences for his behavior otherwise.

And what about our kids. As Vanilla has said I'm sure they know on some level things have not been right for a long time and surely they have heard the arguing and see how unhappy I am but not sure how to talk to them. I feel like it would be best if we talk to them together, but am concerned that he will not admit the OW--also that he will blame them for OUR issues

Don't know if anyone who has been through this with kids of similar ages has any suggests but they are my #1 priority now


Me:54 H:54
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Kids: 3 D:20 S:16 S:16
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My first H (who died) and I fostered troubled teens. Your twins are acting out and it is difficult to pinpoint the exact reason from posts. One of the reasons kids act out is to bring attention back to the family from an 'absent' parent. Your H is an absent parent in almost every way.

I haven't fostered twin boys (only a mixed sex twin pair much younger than your twins) but there are interactive dynamic spirals. Both positive and negative spirals. In fact in one case an older than her years girl aged 12 told me, "I wish mum would leave and take me with her. We can be happy and I can see my dad when he will have to pay me attention". This particular Father was a football fan and gambler and shouted through frustration. mum had a breakdown hence the foster care.

Your oldest child D is independent already and can be one of your supports if you separate and I would guess understands some of the ongoing dynamic. There is likely no need to explain more than that, your personal life is yours.

As to the younger boys at 16 they are almost adults themselves. They are still probably too young for independence.

All of your children are old enough to manage their own R with their father if you S or D. In my book there is no need to tell them about the addictions including OW. Your M is gone, not really because of a specific OW but as a result of his addiction. H has yet to get to step 1 of a twelve step programme, acceptance he has a problem.

I think it is enough for you to say individually to your children "mum is very unhappy and she has asked dad to leave. This is very hard for me but I have made up my mind on this. When you are ready please talk to me or your IC"

If you tell your kids together then H will run rings around you, may lie, or you may challenge him in a way which involves your children and creates arguments. This is one situation where mum acts bravely and alone. Your kids are not there for you to try a wake up intervention on your H. Such that he has a sudden realisation of what he is losing by seeing you all together.

Please seek an IC and on the ground help. It would be good if the IC was in the same practice as your sons IC too, so the family dynamic is understood by the IC.

Peace today

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 04/21/15 08:48 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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"I think it is time for me to stop covering up all of this. I really don't want to be vindictive or have him feel I am betraying him."

Contradictory.

If you want to tell your children, then tell them. But don't do it as a way of controlling him to come back.

"DR seems to say you don't go out and tell people, but how does that work?"

No it actually says that you don't go out and tell everyone. Doing that really doesn't do anyone any good. It builds resentment in the WAS and makes people choose sides.

"He really has no consequences for his behavior otherwise."

You can't FORCE consequences onto him. If your intention is to punish him for his actions, then you'll get a bad result.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I think you should see a lawyer.

I don't think you should have to live with someone who is openly cheating on you.

It's offensive to me that he is openly with someone else and refuses to move out. I am offended on your behalf.

Now you need to dig deep and FIND YOUR VALUE. If you haven't seen a lawyer yet you don't know what your options are as far as forcing him out of the house, etc.

He wants two years to get the kids on a good path? He's ALREADY HAD TWENTY. If he hasn't gotten around to it by now then two more won't do him any good.

See a lawyer. A good one who will be a good backbone for you. YOU ARE WORTH IT.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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