Another WW/WAW, Need Guidance

[JAS84]

W did a load of laundry last night, and I put them in the dryer for her, and told her so. Son's shoes were in there.

Wife texted me once she got to work to remind me that his shoes were in there.

My reply: "Lol, I know, ya goof! I put that stuff in there last night, remember? Hahaha"

[JAS84]

Had a blow to the heart this morning while waiting with my S for the school bus...

He asked me why I couldn't go to the zoo with them instead of Mommy's "friend". He told me he slept over there with W, and that she slept in the room with OM, while my son was on the couch. Then he said, "Wait. I think mommy slept at our old house (meaning my house)." So, based on what he said, and not trying to grill him about it, I don't even know if she was there! I'm sure she was... Why would she not be with OM?

I know he's only 4, and that he doesn't always recall things perfectly, but this has me raging! It seems like W is only thinking about her R with OM, and not really taking the time to consider our son!

Advice on how to bring this up?

[JAS84]

Perhaps maybe I should let this whole thing just take its course? I mean, the only actions I can take are legal ones, which would start that slippery slope... W isn't really giving a hoot about my opinion on anything, nor may she ever.

I don't believe anyone is in physical danger. I am hurt by her "playing family", and I believe it confuses/will confuse our son, especially at a point when we should be trying to minimize that.

I am not AFRAID to take legal action if I have to. I just don't want to HAVE to, if that makes sense? All I feel I can do is mention it to W, and hope she has a moment of clarity about it.

[JAS84]

I spoke to my W regarding the issue of my son. Explained that other than understood family ties (grandparents, uncles, etc.) that I have been the recurring man in our son's life, and it should remain that way for now to limit his confusion. Understand that I have not been the best, but am getting better. She acknowledged this, said she didn't think to look at it through his eyes, and that she would consider its impact in the future.

She said that she thinks I am blowing this OM out of proportion, which is entirely possible, but I responded that emotional, physical, or somewhere in between, I hold both in the same regard. Her response was that they had a fire in OM's backyard, roasted marshmallows, talked, and W slept on one couch while our son slept on another.

She then reiterated that her feelings would likely not return, which I validated, and that she doesn't want to be unfair to me by letting this drag out, and wondered if divorcing now was a better option. I validated again, and told her it was a decision that she would have to make for herself. I stated that once she said the words, "I want to separate," things were no longer really about us as a couple, but became about us as individuals and doing the best we could for our son.

She said she didn't think it was fair to me that I should work so hard on myself if the feelings aren't going to come back. I validated her view, and I told her that I am not expecting her feelings to come back, that I am not doing this work for that purpose, that I am doing it for me, and doing it for our son. It is not something I seek permission for, a blessing on, or anything else of that nature. It is to be the best person and father I can become.

[JAS84]

Well, we talked some more about the situation. She told me she didn't think I had any right to say what was best for our son, that I have had 4 years to provide that input. I validated, stated that I may not be an expert, or remotely qualified in her eyes, but I am learning, just like I should have been doing all along.

We talked about how she has made serious sacrifices in our separation agreement in order to give me the benefit of the doubt (That sacrifice being her agreement to week-on, week-off, 50/50 custody).

She cried over how upset she is that in 5 days she walks away from the life she has built over the past nearly 15 years. I validated again, shed some tears myself, and mentioned that I was upset that this could be the last time she walks out the door as my wife, and as my life's friend.

Conversation about OM came up, and based on our conversation earlier, I said that in my gut, I think he has much deeper feelings for her than she has for him. She agreed (but I won't take that to heart).

I asked her what her plans were for moving day, and she replied that she didn't know who was going to help her yet. My gut tells me that she had planned on OM and others from work helping. I told her that if there was anyone there I didn't know, that I would be there, as I do not allow strangers into my home without meeting them first.

Her reply was that nobody would want to help her if I was there because it would be too awkward. I asked her if she has made me out to be a monster to any potential helpers, and she said no. I told her of my gut feeling about OM having planned to help, she replied that some of the managers from her work offered to help her, and she turned them down.

I checked her text messages, and immediately following the conversation, OM was texting her about how they would need another guy, and how they would manage it, followed by an "I love you so much, and I would go to the end of the world to be the man you deserve". (One weird thing about her texts: I never see her replies. I believe the messages only show up when he initiates them as SMS, as I believe they both have iPhones, and use iMessage for most of their conversations, which I can't see.)

I never thought my W could be so damn sketchy! Oh well, this is the path we're on right now.

[JAS84]

Text message snooping is officially over. Found out enough, and I can't keep poisoning my detachment efforts with it.

[Winhamn]

That's the thing about snooping: it is so hard on you, and plays so many tricks on your mind.

[JAS84]

It didn't so much play tricks on my mind, but it was hard at times. I used it to confirm the depth of the affair and the lies I was being told.

Once I had solid confirmation on that, I had enough.

[JAS84]

Stayed out for a while after work and talked with my mom. We talked about recent developments in the situation, and what I found in the text messages.

Basically, I was able to confirm that they are using iMessage to communicate, that he was originally planning to help her move, and that the feelings between then are much more parallel than W stated (which I expected).

When I got home, I got the silent treatment from W. That was fine, since I had nothing to say. I wasn't home for 5 minutes when she and our son went out for dinner. Afterwards, she went around the house and packed up the last of the things she is taking.

[JAS84]

Detaching is becoming a little easier after the recent discoveries... Though it is being fueled by anger. Nowhere near as difficult right now to picture her gone, and accept it. If this is what she wants to do right now, the more power to her!

GAL plan for this evening is to take S4 out for dinner. W may be finishing up her lease agreement today, so she and S4 may not be at the house when I get there. Backup GAL is to go to the gym for a bit, or maybe dinner by myself at a local bar (Too cold today for outside activities.)

Nearing the 60-pounds lost mark, and I'm looking good, if I do say so myself! Feeling pretty OK as well!