Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

No update. 3 line all biz email still ignored. I figure the email was a blow to H ego in two ways - pointing out he hadn't followed through on his urgent need to get finance agreement checked out, and the rejection piece, finality of it. No sad me, no hoping or leaving door cracked. So I am being ignored. Honestly surprised as bad as he looked like he wanted to sign that stuff last weekend.

So, last night an older friend told me that as strange as this all was compared to the guy he thought he knew, he felt deep down my H was dangerous.

For the last year I got very strange flashes every couple of weeks, an image of my H and I ,pleasantly approaching each other, starting to pass each other in a doorway and him suddenly going nuts on me, stabbing or beating me. This was a re-occurring thing. And I would think, Z, wth is that? Nothing like that EVER happened but it was vivid, always a doorway where he turned on me. I'd be wide awake 'seeing' this. And figured it was just a blip in my head the way sometimes other random thoughts or images come to mind. I am not sure anymore, maybe on some level I felt how he hated me.

[Zephyr]

WTH indeed! Keep yourself safe. If he wants to sit down and talk in the near future, maybe meet in a nice public place.

I wish this were over for you, but I have seen these situations as a great place to start a new. As with you, I love seeing the inner strength that starts to show itself from so many on this site. It was there all along I am certain, just needed a little spark to start process.

[Zelda09]

My best friend just told me that honestly (I guess I get these little gifts when I'm truly over it) that my H seemed to him and his wife to be acting very fake through our wedding. Distant removed, lukewarm, not at all like a man excited to be married, said the right words to the right people, smiled appropriately except when he didn't think the spotlight was on him. And I thought he was maybe just nervous. No, says friend. Think about when there were only four of us in the room and how blank he was when we all saw how messed up the cake was. He was just very far away.

What a fool I've been. I thought we were both happy. Because I was. And he smiled back, and I felt like he looked at me with love.

[Vanilla]

Z

Please leave the past in piece, it is gone. Rewriting it or reframing it will only help if it is positive.

Careful too with who you discuss your switch with, only 'safe' people.

And just one last observation, Zephrs comments are important, separating is the most dangerous time in an abusive R. Abusers can lash, so no provoking the angry bear!

And really your R ended unhappily but there was a part of happiness.

V

[Zelda09]

Hi, V. I will be careful during this time. Whether meds, abuse or psych breakdown, it doesn't matter, I can't trust. Zephyr is right.

It's important to me to not try to color or frame, but to take off rose colored glasses. I will say that he must have loved me. As best as he could.

Tonight I had a session with IC. We looked at why I never gave up or thought about exiting during some increasingly nasty behavior. Whether or not I had really pushed him over as he claimed, and she pointed out instances where he claimed being run over by all kinds of ppl...she did not think I am miserable or lacking empathy and we went through several examples in my life that validate and show the opposite. We looked at places my H did enthusiastically walk beside me - I did not drag him all the way. I felt relieved. I still can use work in experiencing life more thru my heart than my head, and we are starting to look at life goals readjusting. It was hard tonight to admit how utterly pointless I feel as a human being in this juncture.

[Zelda09]

Has anyone heard from Susana?

[Cadet]

Has anyone heard from Susana?

Using my special powers I can say this

Susana4
Last Online: 03/24/15 09:13 AM

So it appears she is MIA.

[Zelda09]

I hope she returned from her vacation to a H that missed her desperately, is living happily ever after and has no further need of this site after successfully DB!
Thanks, Cadet.

[Zelda09]

TIFU bc I got into it with him over email and deviated from business.

Today I discovered almost $400 of charges on phone bill from H that he didn't take care of when transferred. I wrote a polite and succinct email, his response was that since I asked him to be off plan, it was my problem. (He'd canceled utility services the day before I asked him to be off without the slightest word to me; I incurred those costs to set up, and that no where figured in his rationale or logic why I should also incur these costs.)

He tried to tell me how kind he was being sleeping on a nasty old mattress bc he 'had perfectly good furniture at home' and knew I didn't have a replacement set and it was a two way street, he really hoped I saw our split that way. (Home?! Dude, no.) I reminded him why he was on a mattress somewhere, due to his own rage and apathy, told him it most def was not a two way street, I just wanted him to pay his bill and come get his furniture, I'd had enough of his kindness. Told him exactly what I thought of his nice guy act for the world, in light of all he'd done, how pretty it was that he could say he came back to work on his M to all friends and family and then was kicked out. Bet he wasn't telling them he picked up his half mil settlement that day he suddenly gave up, it wasn't lost on me that all of his 'inabilities' disappeared, so forgive me if I don't believe it was my annoyance at your undone errand - and btw my cousin would have never let him stay if he'd been honest, and how he told me last Sun he'd rather sleep around than think on anything, thank you for your honesty, H, I finally don't care anymore. And when were we going to actually get those papers done?? I was all business until I let loose on that one.

Response was to tell me that I'd once said people can't be with each other when there's no respect. I lost respect for him years ago and he felt hated. And I could tell myself whatever else I wanted. That I could keep his furniture and he would get papers done.

I stopped myself before I tried to respond the way I wanted to. I'd said enough and he could have the last word. Still 180ing!

I guess whatever he needs to think or say to look in the mirror. Maybe in the past I would have come back to let him know how much I did love him and respect him and apologize I'd made him feel that. I am so bitter and wanted to tell him maybe he doesn't respect himself and hates himself, and that's why he runs from his own life repeatedly. That I recognized the deflection in his response. Yes, H, of course you are justified.

I find it so odd he made reference to having furniture at home. Not 'your house' or 'the house.'

So! Verdict - is it a game he knows he's playing, or does he actually just feel sorry for himself, unloved and oh how he tried to work on our M?

[Vanilla]

Oh yes. both, it's a manipulation to redo the loop and he feels sorry for himself.

I just love the word try.

Can you sell the furniture he thinks is his to get the cash, do you need it and is it worth $400?

V