New to this. Need support. Separated.

[Bob723]

Purehrt, can you detail your marital history? All I've seen is you concentrating on your H's infidelity. His addictions are a big thing, but we can't help with that. ONly with what you have control over.

Hi Purehrt,

MrBond asked you a good question. I agree with him 99.99% of the time.

When you have time, please try to give us some details.

Hang in there!

Bob

[MrBond]

STill around?

[PureHrt]

I took a day or two before responding because I wasn't sure if I communicated clearly. I was looking for some DB direction on whether to lay down boundaries in a certain circumstance. I did have to face that circumstance and would really have appreciated some thoughts.

How much marriage history is required? As we've been together 22 years and facing challenges on and off for 8-10 it would be quite lengthy. What would be helpful for response that I haven't already posted.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

"I was looking for some DB direction on whether to lay down boundaries in a certain circumstance. I did have to face that circumstance and would really have appreciated some thoughts."

In terms of the woman who is after your H, there is nothing you can do about that. You can't control what your H is going to do with this woman. All you can do is control your own actions. If you don't want your child being with this other woman's child, then don't have him around. Although you need to remember that it's not the child's fault.

"How much marriage history is required? As we've been together 22 years and facing challenges on and off for 8-10 it would be quite lengthy. What would be helpful for response that I haven't already posted."

Read through everyone else's threads that talk about the M history. In your posts, all you've done is detail your H's problems and what he's done, his A, etc. But you are 50% of the relationship. Explain to us how you met, the good times and rough spots. What issues you may have had in the past and problems that you may have been a part of, etc. The more we understand the dynamics of your M, the more we can give you detailed help.

[PureHrt]

My marital history has been outlined in a couple of my posts but in a nutshell:

Started dating neither walking Christians. Young. Like to go out and party. H not looking for commitment. We fell in love though and H decided he wanted to commit to me. Moved in together year and a half later. I have always been the caregiver, organizer and fixer. He has brought spontaneity and humour and lots of support.

Fun, loving relationship but H had never really held a job and had a lot of abandonment issues from his childhood (his Dad left family when he was young had affairs and out of wedlock child). FIL has emotional/mental disorders and while a fun and loving man not reliable. H was constantly let down. MIL got remarried while we were dating to a wonderful man. Both long time Christians.

Became Christians a year later. Our lives and relationship blossomed. H was relaxed and secure in himself. Job front was always seasonal and cause financial stress. I took jobs for the stability and finances. H did find that hard. Not being able to have full-time reliable employment and me making more money. I always saw it as us working together. 1997 We got married. H had been working steadily. He was truly on-fire for God and we had a closeness with each other that was amazing. Our wedding was a true celebration. Financially still struggling.

Our challenges remained financial, my self-esteem (if my weight fluctuated and just in myself that have always been there), my Hs confidence in himself to provide. H was a tender, humble loving man. In my younger years I struggled with my temper - huts, self-esteem drove this. In my 20s and with God's help it was almost a non-issue. I doted on him at any chance I could probably too much but I enjoyed doing it.

1999ish FIL gets into serious legal trouble. A lot of stress and my H felt humiliated but we drew closer together and weathered the storm.

2001/2 my H indicated he wanted us to have a child. We were more stable financially and he had been steadily employed for a couple of years. I prayed and evaluated for months and agreed. Within a year we were pregnant, bought our first home and our child was born. Child was a difficult baby (colic) and H and I struggled. He was supportive, loving and hands-on. I struggled to go back to work even though that was always the plan. H wanted to be able to say stay home and felt guilty no matter how much I said that it had been OUR decision and we always planned for me to go back.

Honesty time - I wanted to stay home. I didn't want the stress of being the main provider any more. I didn't feel I could say or it would hurt H. I did struggle after having our child as did H. A month before I was to go back and very suddenly H's hours were cut to 3 days a week. Financial blow but meant less daycare and more bonding. I went back and struggled to do it all. Didn’t want the stress job. We could afford a housekeeper for a bit but not long. My job required a lot of travel all of a sudden. H was alone a lot and I believe, feeling a bit emasculated because he couldn't provide the way he wanted to.

My self-esteem had dropped, our church attendance began to drop. I felt pressure and resentment. We were no longer in a couples bible study for the very first time. When my H found different work he was thrilled didn't want to stay at home for the 2 days a week he was not cut out for that. I began to find I as more angry and he was passive aggressively angry. He wanted loving attentive wife that did all the little things and kept the house immaculate. I couldn’t keep up.

We tried to reconnect. We had said we would have a 2nd baby I went for a physical and had some cervical cancer issues (took 2 years to resolve_ and then H was adamant NO way to 2nd. I didn't know how H was feeling or why only symptoms. I found out years later (2013) that this was when he turned to pornography and an online relationship with someone he worked with which eventually turned physical 2007ish. The online stuff just got worse. H was withdrawing from everyone and thing. No longer as tender, no longer fun, not wanting to go to church or spend time with our families. I thought depression. His Dad disappeared during this time and I was still travelling. I didn’t know he had struggled with pornography in his youth until he told me years later. I just kept trying to love him through it and took on more and more myself - not stating my boundaries or exhaustion.

2007 Our 10 year I schedule a surprise anniversary away. He was ok but not ecstatic. He shows affection with cards and gifts and had neither for a milestone anniversary. He warmed up on the trip and we really enjoyed ourselves. Around this time FIL off the rails and H is very concerned. By 2008 FIL has disappeared out of country and we get sporadic communication. Big impact to H.

2009 He didn't seem himself for a month or so. I asked what was wrong - forced it. Got the ILYBNILWY. Tears - not you it's me. H swore there was no one else that I never had to worry about that. I convinced not to leave but to talk to pastor. I did everything I could to show love. Less travel, home cooked meals, cleaning, physical intimacy as much as I could. After about 6 months H said he wasn't going anywhere he loved me. We tried to keep momentum going but day to day life and H would never communicate just got 'fine'. It was good for about 2 years (I thought). During this time my family had health issues and dementia where I was called upon to caregive (outside the home but lots of time and stress). I also took on a second job at work to help financially. Hs 'withdrawal/depression' was really bad by fall of 2012. NO longer interested in extended family gatherings, critical, negative not wanting to do stuff for our family re: outings with our child. I found myself not dealing with stress as well and having more temper tantrums (when I looked back). During this time H wanted to explore getting hair implants, started tanning and really focussing on appearance. I didn’t see this for what it was. I supported his efforts to ‘like’ himself hoping he just needed support.

Physical life suffered due to his online activities (I thought depression as I didn’t know about others). I instigated conversation and pushed. H moved out end of Jan 2013. Same things ILYBNILWY It's me not you. You are wonderful. We've been together so long I didn't get to experience things (NOTE: H had more 'experiences' by the time we started dating than most people do by 30. He had travelled the world, lived in another city, lived with another woman and had his share of physical encounters). We kept up the physical until I was sent links to his online activities and everything blew wide open. The porn, the sexting, the webcaming, and eventually the affair. All for years. The timeline made full sense. I confronted. He was devastated. Wanted help. Said he had tried to stop but couldn't. Wanted help. Had set appnt with Pastor (I knew he had but not for what) but pastor got ill and cancelled (Pastor then died). H devastated lost his father figure. H mad at God. So sorry. Can't fix it. Too far gone. I reconnected with my faith and held on.

I should have stuck to guns and not gone any further until he got help but we connected. I wanted to help. I went his route which eventually lead to me considering changing our physical life. I walked away from my faith as I couldn't reconcile the 2. Note: I have not physically been with anyone but my H. I enjoy our physical life immensely and when between us am very open. Loyalty, faithfulness and marriage between two however were key to me and had always been for H BUT I wanted to keep hubby so agreed to consider. He swore he loved me and only me and this would make him love me more. He moved home fall of 2013. I never crossed a line I couldn't recover from but ultimately we never addressed the real issues. I couldn't go where he wanted. I began to get depressed and angry. It felt like his affection came only when I did things "he" wanted. He got sick again and the depression started anew.

2015 I forced conversation and got all the same plus the fact that the need for physical adventures with me with others too is "who he is". I believe he has given in to what he feels he can't fight.

During all three of these Bombs I sought IC. Hubby never has. He came for 2-3 sessions in 2013 to discuss the physical.

Good times were always Christmas (VERY special), times going to music concerts, watching movies together, going to church, being baptized together, going to home group together and our physical life with the exception of right after the birth of our child AND before first separation was always amazing. We always communicated with that to draw near. He teases and I would flirt. He really can be a wonderful partner. I miss him.

H does like to have and spend money. Whenever I could see our budget as tight or impossible I worried that wld impact H and I would quietly panic and spend nothing on myself - give up gym etc.

My fix self goals currently revolve around self-esteem and anger and finding things that are just for me. I know these are needed but actually finding tangibles within these topics is my challenge and I feel overwhelmed.

[PureHrt]

"I was looking for some DB direction on whether to lay down boundaries in a certain circumstance. I did have to face that circumstance and would really have appreciated some thoughts."

In terms of the woman who is after your H, there is nothing you can do about that. You can't control what your H is going to do with this woman. All you can do is control your own actions. If you don't want your child being with this other woman's child, then don't have him around. Although you need to remember that it's not the child's fault.

I was asking about the two specific boundaries I outlined. Ie stating that this OW never be around my son (nothing about her son??) and that I would state to H that if he chose to be friends with someone who so obviously wants to hurt me and cause problems that how we interact would be impacted. My posts also stated that [b]I see OW as a symptom not a cause. I was asking how to set boundaries not how to stop her.[/b]

I have posted history but I have always taken responsibility for my reactions. I know I am not perfect. I totally know. I'm just not sure how it impacts how to set boundaries AND I am conscious of not posting too much. I am still considering removing the full history.

Feedback on how much to post from others would be greatly appreciated as I may still delete that post.

Thanks.

[MrBond]

Thanks for the detailed history. I think you're on the right track.

The thing with the OW is that since she isn't the cause, your H will just move on to someone else.

If anything, what would you say is something that you haven't tried? Do you think taking a harder stance on your boundaries would help?

[PureHrt]

Thanks Mr.Bond. I am struggling I had to face OW at event for my child. My H was not sitting with the rest of our typical group which was his choice. I felt bad for him but I did not go over. I miss H. OW's child had an event after and she stood around for a while and then for the last portion of my child's event she went up and sat up beside my H with her friend.

I got the shakes it made me feel physically ill. It was in front of an entire group of people and in front of our child. I know other woman walked up and sat beside him but he could've sat politely for a moment and got up and gone to join some of the other parents not me but he didn't and he sat there for a good 45 minutes knowing how it would make me feel knowing that she's tried to hurt me.

I wanted to confront 0W. I didn't. At end of event our portion I waited for H and then asked him to step outside and around the corner. He could see how upset I was and I laid it on the table I told H that it was bigger than a faithfulness issue it was him choosing to be friends with somebody that was trying to start rumors and trying to hurt me. I explained my position clearly my child was not to spend any time in her company or her family's company. If he made the decision and it is his decision to remain friends on social media and be friendly with somebody that was choosing to try and hurt his child's mother and him then I would be changing how we interacted. He was apologetic he didn't understand why he would have to get up and I said for his son and for me. He says he doesn't like all the drama that everybody else is throwing around and I told him he's causing it by continuously seeking out drama with others. I pointed out that in sitting with somebody that's known to be that way and our child is getting older that their friends would know and it's hurting our child for him to choose to sit with that person at a public event. I pointed out that every time he hurts me he hurts his child.

We did discuss some relationship stuff but more at a high-level we went back inside after about 15 minutes to our child he was bringing child home when he brought child to the house later he did come in and apologize again and opened up about where he's at he's not seeing anybody. I reiterated my position that it was his call but that it would be very hurtful if he chose to remain friends with this person. My challenge is not acting affectionate when he's being nice when he's saying all the right things. Well we left off on a good footing it's now three days later and while I had deactivated my social media I checked in today to see if he was still friends with other OW and he is.

He sensually I believe it is him exercising his rights to do whatever he wants and not show feelings for me I believe he wants me to appear at difficult. So my question do I know enforce what I had said which is our interactions will be dramatically changed? Before I knew he had not unfriended this person we saw each other at child event this evening and we had a very good conversation almost flirty but I didn't know this them. I have been trying to prepare myself for this but I don't think there is preparation. I clearly explained that this was a disrespect to me I told him I would not be disrespected that way that this was bigger than a romantic relationship it was a respect for me in front of our child. Advice on this would be very appreciated. I am trying to read so much and I feel unequipped for how to do this with all of my husbands specific challenges. I know I'm not perfect my biggest issues are typically taking care of him and taking on his mistakes myself and owning his issues. I want to fix him I've always loved and cared for him. I don't know what to do here.

I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information.

[Cadet]

I love this advice but I am so broken I just can't seem to see the forest for the trees. What's us a 180 for me? How do I decide? How do you find YOUR 180?

I think I'm going to bring this post over here.
You're 180's need to be for YOU.

For instance an alcoholic can say I'm going to 180 my drinking I'm going to stop drinking rum and drink light beer instead. is this a good 180?

I can make suggestions to you but it is up to you to decide.
I think you have to stop you're fixing, codependent,conflict avoiding ways.

That's a tall order, I understand.

[PureHrt]

Hmmm. I was just asking how to find 180s that weren't fixing and codependent when you are in your initial stages and not seeing clearly. I get what a 180 is and I read the advice that they have to be for me. I've read all the links that were provided. I was looking for input to ensure I'm not in fact choosing them to perpetuate same old. My view is currently clouded and knowing that I'm looking for perspective. That and I was trying to do as suggested and post more. I thought the query of how to identify good 180s would be a good 180s topic discussion?

I don't think I'm approaching this board/forum correctly?

It may not me a good fit I guess. I might be misunderstanding but I realize where lots of my weaknesses are I'm looking for help in changing them and setting boundaries. If it was as simple as stop then no problem. It feels a bit like I have to be an expert to post. I know my posts are a bit more scattered than my usual communications but it's pretty tough to put all this out there as you guys know. I thought setting boundaries fell into the category of stopping and was trying to see if I'm on the right track. Looking for reinforcement . Going to the gym I did when he left last time and I still go. I am not an alcoholic. I don't text and email. I don't ask where is, what he's doing or who he is with. I started that because I felt God saying to handle it that way. I have not suggested counselling or other fixes to H. I don't involve myself in H's time with child and I have stated that he has to bring forward the options for the sale of our house not me as would be the typical happening. I shut down all social media so I wouldn't obsess or keep up-to-date with H's activities.

Each time H left it was after I pushed for honest communication/discussion and had conflict. I confronted on Affair and online addictions. I confronted H about his disrespect. All knowing it would bring conflict.

I want to change for the better AND set boundaries WITHOUT instigating conflict as I read that others DB'ing do and because I believe hubby expects conflict rather than simple stated boundaries without tears and emotion. Input as to the two I put forward to see if they were/are appropriate steps would reinforce the approach and give me confidence. Coming into this forum was a huge step towards refocus from fixing him to fixing me Getting practical situation specific approaches and feedback. I had been reading the posts before I registered and saw how approachable and relevant the interactions are. Maybe I am just really sensitive right now but it feels very different. I don't feel I have anything new or more confidence in DB'ing. I do feel at a very key point in my situation and am concerned that I won't handle it right.