You've gotten outstanding advice here. I am so sorry you are going through all this. Vanilla, Raliced, and Joe especially have given you solid advice that you should really ponder.
When I was in the place you're in, I got advice from a dear friend in real life that I think has saved my life. She told me to stop thinking about the H first and to focus on rediscovering my own value.
AHW, please: go find your own value.
You've been jumping through your H's hoops far too long. Staying together for your kids is surely causing so much of their current issues. Do you think that if he's being that open with you about his stinky OW that they, practically adults, can't tell how offensively he's behaving?
My kids are much younger than yours, but their behavior has improved enormously with my improved sense of myself. If you need something to give you purpose, take a long look at the pain your kids are showing you and think about how poisonous their environment is. Then set about saving yourself. They will be saved with you.
You've said a number of times that he isn't interested in tending to the marriage. He is showing you who he is. What you are doing is not working. Believe him when he tells you who he is. Don't keep making choices based on who you want him to be. Make your choices on who YOU want to be. That's all you can control.
You may not want to hear my perspective because you are here to save your marriage and my marriage is gone. I totally understand if that's the case for you. I felt that way myself. I never believed how much happier I'd be without STBX. I never believed my kids could be better off. I never wanted to believe he was who he was showing me he was. your H will not change till he's motivated to. He will not be motivated to change while you continue to submit to his abuse. Please think about that.
FIND YOUR VALUE.
Best to you, and a long squeezy hug and some prayers for you and your kids. You DO NOT DESERVE to be treated so horrifically.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry about what you're going through. You are getting incredible advice on here, and I would advise you to listen closely to Vanilla. She's right on the money.
My sitch is a cakewalk comparably, but one thing that drew my eye was how worried you were about being alone after 22 years together. I have been married for 23 years and feel the same fear. After being on here and DBing though, the fear is manageable and I'm actually beginning to believe I'll have a better life. You sound like a terrific mom and I think you'll find a way to help your sons even without your dad. A friend told me recently that as long as they have one together, compassionate parent they will get through anything. I believe this in your sons' cases too.
{{{AHW}}}
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Raliced. I have not shared this with anyone so far for a couple of reasons:
1) Don't really think I have any true friends here that I want to unburden with 2) Crazy I know but out of respect for my H. Don't want him to feel betrayed and once I share he can't really go back to being that great guy that everyone loves. I know that's probably a consequence he needs, but want to do it the right way
I do know I need to talk to a counselor. Have just been focused on kids because at 16 we have had some issues with alcohol, marijuana and the shoplifting issue.We start counseling with my son next week.
My H has been absent for a lot of their childhood because of his addiction. He tries to be a good dad but is very impatient. Truthfully the twins are hard to parent. They are goodlooking, smart, athletic and have lots of good traits but ADHD issues have been a challenge with school behavior. That's my focus now and you guys here have helped me to get my focus back on me and them.
Raliced...did want to say that since the A and since I found out my H has really tried to do more with the boys and to get involved with coaches and parenting. He wants to make up for mistakes with them. So I guess that is a positive.
Thanks Maybell. Needed to hear what you have to say. Today has been a better day and I do know I need to take care of myself and my kids. We will be okay no matter what.
I am making a reminder that says "Find Your Value" and will look at it when the going gets tough.
Eirinn thanks for your message. I read some of your posts and I know it must me hard for you and pretty scary with younger kids. You seem like you have made progress with getting out there and finding yourself again. That is what I know I need to do. Any suggestions on activities that have been helpful?
I do go to the gym. I need to find some things to do that will help me make some better friendships. I feel like mine are so superficial.
I know I am new her and don't feel that qualified to help but call on me anytime you need some moral support
OMG can I just say how pissed I am now and how incredulous? Today Sunday is H's special day with the OW....dinner, Fifty Shades of Grey session and sleepover. He just called me to say goodnight and check on the family--had all kinds of questions about our night and what we did. Like he was just away on business or something and calling like he used to. The man can't even have a conversation like that during the day when I actually need him to be a parent and he seemed shocked that I wasn't playing along and talking.
What is he thinking. Why would he think I would want to talk to him while he is in his OW's arms?
I am no Vet, but if I was in your shoes, I would not have answered the phone. I would have let him wonder what you are up to. I think he knows you will pick up the phone and listen to him. Let him wonder. It could also be a boundary issue.
" I will not discuss things with you while you are with OW"
I'm sure one of the vets here can give you more advice and will correct me if I am wrong.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
