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Clairee Offline OP
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Hiya UC! How ya doing?

It's crazy busy around here. All weekend was spent running all over the island getting things I or the kids needed before I leave for the mainland. Getting some last minute cleaning & laundry done. I'm always amazed how much laundry my kids dirty every week..lol Things are tense on the M front. I'm sure it's my nerves about the trip. H has been understanding, supportive & trying his best to keep me calm. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave that would take the hurt away. I am struggling with that especially as the flight time gets closer. I'm hoping being face to face helps move this forward. I won't see my IC until I get back next week but she gave me her private cell if I needed her while I was gone. H saw his IC this week & his suggested we not discuss anything the day I get there. He said you should never discuss important issues if you're tired or hungry. Not sure how I feel about this. My orginal plan was to get there, sit down & have this talk, ask everything I need to ask face to face & then spend the rest of the weekend trying to enjoy just being together, try to reconnect in some way. I don't want to spend the entire time talking about the sitch ya know? I don't think that would do me any good & certainly not our R to just hash & rehash. I know what I want to know. I have questions written down so I don't lose my thoughts & I really want to just get passed this part. It's going to be uncomfortable, painful & awkward enough. My flight gets in late because of the time zone difference but it will feel earlier to me than it is. Any thoughts on the IC advice or my plans?

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
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Hi Tweets, do you think it is worth sharing how you feel with your H? I agree that it may be best to settle in before you have a talk, but would it help if you maybe agreed - we won't talk the night you get in. But we'll talk for an hour or so the next morning. Then we'll enjoy our day together. Then we can talk for an hour or so the next morning....and so on.

Your H may be feeling the same, and perhaps agreeing a plan may help you both??


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2569445 05/19/15 03:26 PM
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Clairee Offline OP
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Thank you so much Toots! I took your advice & we waited to the next morning to talk.

It turned out to be a really good weekend. I was fine during the flight, but the minute the wheels touched down my anxiety level went through the roof. I came down the escalator into baggage claim & H was standing there waiting with flowers. I swear I felt my heart in my throat those last few steps. H hugged me & it felt so good to be that close to him again but at the same time it was awkward. We chit chatted about the flight on the way to the hotel. When we got to the room, I unpacked the things I had brought for him. One of his biggest complaints about being there has been the food, so I had packed/frozen some home cooked meals & brought them. Along with snacks he can't get on the mainland. H commented that I always know what he wants & how much I take care of him. I took a shower & went to bed. Sleep came easier than I thought it would that night.

Friday he left for class early, so that gave me time to gather my thoughts & composure. I stopped at the little coffee shop then took a walk down by the water. When he got out of class, we sat down to talk. H asked if he could talk before I started asking any questions. He apologized for everything he had done, for the betrayal, lies, hurting me, hurting us. He held my hands, looked me in the eyes & apologized for having put the look of emptiness in my eyes. H cried! I've been with this man for 18 years & I can recall every time I've seen him cry, it happens so rarely. By the time he was done talking, he had answered almost all the questions I intended to ask. He was brutally honest & very raw. It was hard to sit there listening to him, seeing him cry & feeling his hands shake in mine. The only thing I really had left to ask was what was he going to do & how could he be confident this would never happen again. H said he could be confident because he never wanted to feel this way again & he never wanted to see so much pain & loss in my eyes again. He said he did that to me, he put that there & he'd sooner walk into traffic before doing it again. He said everything was a choice he made. Not in the moment, but little choices over the years that in his mind justified the choices he made that night & the weeks after. He plans to stay in IC to continue working on his issues & understanding of why he made the choices he did & to learn the skills he needs to not repeat the past. I ended the conversation. Without much effort on my part, I heard what I had wanted from him. I didn't feel like we needed to keep going at that point. I reached the level of comfort I needed to know we could move forward.

Being able to look him in the eyes, see his body language & really hear in his voice the emotions made all the difference in the world. I can't say I forgive him, but that's on me to work through. Forgiveness has always been hard for me with anyone. But I know I want to forgive him & I want to let this go. That's the subject of my next IC tomorrow. We both agreed we will need MC once we are back together. We also agreed to not talk about this again until he is back home & only in MC.

We had a great weekend from that point on. Friday it rained all day, so we had to cancel our original plans. We went to the mall instead & just wandered around. Saturday we went with a group of friends for a motorcycle ride raising money for military families. It was a huge event & we had so much fun. We probably put 300 miles on the bike that day. It felt so good to laugh & feel connected to him again. By the end of the night, I could feel the hope I needed that we could make this work & that he was truly sincere in everything he had been saying. I'm glad I went for the weekend.

I was suppose to fly out Sunday, but my flight ended up being so delayed that I was going to miss my connecting flight. So the airlines changed my flight to Monday morning, paid for the hotel, dinner & gave me a certificate for a free flight. They upgraded me on my flights Monday to first class. Now that is the way to fly! I got home, turned my phone back on & had over 20 texts from H, an email & he had called ahead to have a car waiting for me at the airport to take me home so I didn't have to wait on a taxi. Now it's back to the day to day grindstone. H doesn't come home until the end of June. So there's still a long wait for us to really move forward with MC & all the work it will take putting our M back together. I'm not a patient person so if you've ever seen the movie Finding Nemo, I just keep swimming, swimming. Lol


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
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Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Happy Saturday everyone. Nothing new on the R front. Had my weekly IC, she gave me homework on forgiveness. That's a struggle. How to you forgive someone who hurts you so deeply? I've read & she even talked about it being a process & it's for me, not H. But dang it! It feels like to say I forgive you is just letting him off the hook & not being accountable for what he did! I'd love to know how others have gotten past this part. H is trying, I know he is & I believe his efforts are genuine & sincere, but I just can't get passed the man I married did this. I hear his reasoning why he thinks it all happened & all I want to do is smack him upside the head & yell I was lonely too you jacka$$!

Not much going on today, oldest D has a party this afternoon so spending the morning cleaning around the house. My MIL finally moved out so I got my front room back & need to get my rear is gear to redo that room.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Best wishes to you all! Aloha!!


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Tweets, I hear what you're saying about forgiveness. I think we need to find it within ourselves whichever way, and it's a journey to get there. I think your H's sincere efforts will help for sure. Twinmom has posted recently about her own struggles with it & that may be useful to read too.

Nothing else useful to add, I'm afraid....but good luck to you :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2571093 05/23/15 09:51 PM
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Clairee Offline OP
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Aloha Toots!!

Oh my gosh you are truly a blessing! I read Twin's post & I swear I thought I had written it. I guess it's something common we all face. I'm sad there's someone else who feels like I do, but it helps not feeling alone or nuts either. I hope you are doing well, I have tried to catch up on your S & goodness you are one strong, tough, graceful lady!! I have read your advice to others & think Wow! Here she is with her own struggles & yet she's giving so much to others. You are a very special person & I'm thankful to have learned from you wise, sometimes tough love, advice. I pray for you to have the peace & joy you so rightly deserve.

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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️️Aloha folks!

Everything is chugging along here. I may or may not have said on here that my MIL lived with us for a year. Her 3rd husband died a year ago January & she moved in with us shortly after. It turned out all she wanted was our zip code, not family. This was something I worried about before she moved & H assured me he had talked to her & she sincerely wanted to get to know her grandkids. All ended up being horse crap. We paid all her expenses, she was mean to the kids & very passive aggressive towards me. I can't begin to express how much I wanted her out of my house. She finally moved out a couple of weeks ago, so I have my front bedroom back. That's my project this week. I've cleaned out & reorganized the pantry & cabinets in the kitchen. Now I'm putting that room back the way I want it for an office/spare room & will then be able to empty out my 'Harry Potter' room. We have a small storage room under the stairs, my girls started calling it the Harry Potter room & is just stuck so now we all call it that.

School is about to get out for the summer & H comes home the end of June. D12 has hula competitions all summer so I'll be traveling with her to those. I am not a huge outdoor nature person, I like the beach. But I've made plans to go on some hikes over the summer with the kids & even agreed to go on the zipline on North Shore. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of heights? LOL this is going to be interesting. H wants for the 2 of us to take sailing classes & maybe buy a boat. And on the subject of H....

I can't say things are bad but they just seem off. I can't put my finger on what I'm feeling is going on. H spent all weekend doing some motorcycle runs for Memorial Day. Everything seemed ok Friday when he left for LA & Fridsy night. Saturday he was on the road a lot & I was busy with cookouts & such with friends. One of the prospects earned his patch Saturday, so there was a big patch party that night & a lot of drinking. One of my boundaries was no drinking. So H called & asked if he could have a shot or 2 celebrating with his new brother. I said it was fine. I've come to realize, alcohol was just an excuse & not the cause, I'm not his mother & he understands very clearly that any screwup at this stage is the end for me. So I've let that one go. It was Satueday I started noticing the tone difference in his voice. Again, can't put my finger on it but he sounded withdrawn. H did tell me that the girlfriend of mine who called to drop his bomb for him was there & she wouldn't even speak to him & barely looked at him. Could this be the cause of the off-ness? I know mind reading but it bothers me.

Now back to me....I plan to reorganize the inside of the house this week, downsize the clutter that's built up & then move on to the garage. It's driving me mad how disorganized it is! My goal is to have all this done before H gets home. For me, that's a 180 because in the past I would've waited for him to do it & just let it slide till he did. Not anymore! I'm done with the hoarding everyone is this house has been doing & I want it all clean & organized!! I found 5 bottles of laundry detergent in my pantry closet. What was I thinking?!? Probably a sale & I thought I should stock up. But I forgot I even had it!

I think I'm beginning to have a breakthrough as far as forgiving. The last couple of days I don't think about what's happened much & I feel myself just wanting to let it go. Baby steps closer. My question, when I reach the point where I'm 100% ready to let it go & put it behind us, do I tell H that or just move on & let it be? Does saying the words make a difference to H & our M? Or are they just words? I know I needed to hear his apologies to start this process, does he need to hear my forgiveness to lessen whatever remorse he feels so he can move forward too? Forgiveness is very unfamiliar for me, so as sad as this sounds, I really don't know what the other person needs from it. Advice please.

Well it's time to start dinner & figure out what to do after. I'm thinking of taking my 2 85# dogs on a walk. Hopefully they let me walk them & not them walking me!

Oh another GAL I didn't mention, I'm starting my workouts again. Time to shed these pounds & feel good about myself in that aspect again. I'm starting with a 15 day juicing cleanse with some moderate exercise than I'm going to do P90X3! Eck!!

Have a great day/evening everyone!!


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Today has been a frustrating day! Started with someone thinking they would help me out by distributing information that hadn't been approved for release yet & having to spend 3 hours this morning cleaning up that mess. Then every time H calls he just annoys me. He calls to ask me something then when I'm trying to answer he's reading email, on FB or messing with the playstation. Why bother me if you're not going to listen when I'm talking?!?! Ugh! I need a glass of wine & a hot tub! End of rant.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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Tweets, I have been meaning to post to you..... My thoughts are all over the place and I delete every response I type. Leaving for Disney in 3 days and my mind is so scattered.....

It's ok to break down!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Tweets, sorry you're having a frustrating day....although hot tub and wine in Hawaii to look forward to sounds very nice....just hunting for my passport..

I don't have much advice in terms of your H. However, I would continue to have low expectations and move forward with your stuff. If he wants to catch up, he will. As for your post above and things seeming 'off.' It could be that he has pulled back a little after being so keen to try and resolve things. I don't think that's a huge problem and it often happens. The problem occurs when we have expectations that things will move forward at a certain pace, in a certain way - and then are disappointed.

Thanks for your kind comments on my thread. I always question myself. Am I at all remarkable? I don't feel in any way remarkable you know. Although I guess we all are to an extent - in that we hope to save our M's in often the most difficult of circumstances - that's worth remarking upon for sure!!

Hope your day improves xx

Last edited by Toots; 05/28/15 04:20 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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