WAS asked for divorce today.

[bravo61]

25,
Curious. How is unfriending on FB punitive? As I see it, it's giving space and removing a vehicle that more times than not emotionally harms us LBS.

I did it so as not to focus on XW and I'm not friends with her. We are being fired as spouse's. I agree if someone is just attempting to make a righteous "grand statement" about it. Especially as the WAS doesn't care about us. How does it "hurt" them?

Just questions that popped up to me.

[aNewGuy]

Thank you each for all of all of the insight you have provided!

I am still quite new at all of this and it is overwhelming to try and respond adequately, especially with work not quite two hours from now and me wanting to respond fresh off of having read your responses.

First off, I politely declined the invitation from my coworker to go to a concert last night, and no bridges were burned. She made it clear that she wanted a date and that made me especially sure that I wanted to keep about my own business! I agree that I am in no way ready to spend any one on one time with any member of the opposite sex!

I have a lot, no, a TON to think about here.

W texted me the other day (before I posted all of my most recent postings) and asked me if I was dating. I said no. I asked her if she was and she said yes. I asked her who was the lucky guy and she declined to share. She proceeded to say I should be dating. I responded that I will do so when I am ready and the time is right.

About FB, I agree that I may be coming from a "punitive" motive and from the hopes that the loss of me as a friend on FB would somehow contribute to having her somehow snap out of all of this and come home. I am seeing that perhaps I need to really adjust my thinking about all of this, which is exactly why I'm here. Having a divorce thrust upon me after all of the GREAT times we did have seems like something that requires an answer or response on my part, but I also see where doing so could do more harm than good in my relationship with her.

I am angry about all of this. Sad and angry and somewhat bewildered. The saddest part is that she must have been hurting a whole lot to get to this point, and I think my "keeping score" contributed to that pain. It is a terrible feeling to feel responsible for pushing your wife away one day at a time. The part that makes me angry is that I failed to see this coming until the bomb was dropped. I really thought I could "fix" this and that we were just going through a tough phase and that we would find our path and things would get back to the good, productive, happier times we both enjoyed.

I'm also angry because she seems to be holding up the divorce proudly like a banner to me as if I were so terrible and she is finally free, while I am just extremely sad over the whole situation and wish I could find a way to right all that I did wrong.

Yes, I was judgmental and I was always trying to "fix" things that weren't broken. I can be a perfectionist, and when something came up where I felt my experience would benefit her I made it known. She often came back at me with phrases like "You are talking to me like you're my father".

I really wish the board rules here didn't prohibit an occasional cuss word because just thinking about what a tool I have been in all of this makes me want to cuss out loud!!

I can't imagine what it would have been like for her to live with a husband who acted in that manner toward his wife, good intentions or not. We had a lot of laughter and we shared a whole bunch of good times, but one night about three years into our marriage we got into an argument over something which we couldn't resolve at the time, and things have slowly but surely snowballed downhill from that point.

It makes me sad to think she likely feels that she is not what I need, is not right for me, that she is somehow doing me a favor because I feel I spent too much time tending the weeds in our garden instead of tending the roses. That's perhaps the hardest part in all of this is knowing that by FAILING TO FOCUS ON ALL THE BLESSING THAT WAS OCCURRING ALL AROUND US, and focusing instead on the unimportant minor frustrations like the doing of the dishes and similar stuff, I really choked out the good in our marriage and I believe that is my part in all of this, or at least the core of it.

I want now to focus on recognizing these destructive behaviors for what they are and replacing them with better, much more productive and user-friendly behaviors.

I have a long way to go, clearly.


Thank you each for your input, your insightful responses hit home with me and I feel like are the beginnings of answered prayers. I don't know how it is possible to go through life so blind to our own problems and yet see someone else's so clearly. My eyes need more opening.

I intend to put all of my energy into me, none of it going out toward her right now, and any energy going out will be toward GAL and becoming the best man I can be! And fir the next nine hours or so, toward me job!

Thank you all for your insights and please don't let up. I am still asking for prayer for my wife, myself and my marriage that we would learn what God is trying to teach us and become what He is trying to make us.

[aNewGuy]

And Bravo61, I agree with 25 on this one - for me I will just step away from looking at my wife's facebook page for now because unfriending her would be manipulative on my part - I would be doing so in attempt to control the outcome of all of this - and that is something that won't help me get about the business of setting my own goals and doing everything I can to be the best me I can be!

I guess no matter what steps I think about taking to "Save the M" are really missing the point. The M is no more. I need to REALLY give this to God and focus on looking in the mirror to get the logs out of my own eyes.

[aNewGuy]

So tomorrow the W wants me to decide whether I will make her serve me D papers, or I will willingly go and sign them.

I still feel like I should put up a fight and have her serve me the papers - even though she told me in a text that this would prevent us from having a friendship.

Today I worked my new second job, enjoyed it, and then I went to the shooting range with a friend - it was a good day! Haven't heard anything from my wife since Friday when we saw one another at work, but tomorrow we will see one another again.

I still have a long way to go.

I feel like I need to reveal something about this situation that could perhaps be dangerous to reveal, but is a truth about my situation nonetheless. We live in a place where marijuana is legal and two years ago we started using this together.

I am someone who prefers that over any of the other "Vices" many people choose.

BUT... Here is the main point - when someone uses this, they say to themselves, "I know I need to deal with thus and so, but I am going to smoke tonight and then tomorrow I will deal with it." Rinse and repeat this 700 times, and this situation is what you get.

We have no children, so what's the harm, we would say.

Let me tell anyone reading this that if you are doing this and having trouble in your marriage you need to stop this right now. It will cause you to not see the seriousness of your situation. Stop it now - it is like a parasite which takes up space which should be occupied instead by caring for the needs of your partner, your family, your marriage. Trust me, you can deal with painful happenings or circumstances one little bit at a time as they come, day by day. This is the correct path to take - you deal with things as they come up. OR, you can choose to smoke (or drink, for that matter) your troubles away and one day you will find that they are still there, but instead of having dealt with them along the way you will be facing them all at once!

I smoked my last joint the day she moved out.

I shall never write of this again online. I hope I have not violated any policy by admitting this on this very special and blessed online forum, but I feel you all should have some truthful insight as to how a marriage I described as just excellent could have gone so far in the other direction without cause. There was cause, neither of us cared because we were choosing to numb the pain of so much loss we had in the past two years instead of facing it head on.

And tomorrow, I must make my decision as to whether I will cooperate with the divorce by going to the lawyer's office and signing papers (we do not have ay disagreement on the division of our assets) OR if I will stand up for myself by saying no, I don't have time to go to the lawyer's office, you should serve me with these papers instead.

I'm just sad that all of this happened, it is a real loss to our community and to each other that we are in this place and I pray that God will restore our marriage one day with forgiveness and healing and laughter and that both of us will be healthier and happier because of all of this having happened.

Oh, and in pursuit of getting a life I have made plans for a camping trip next month with some friends! I'm already excited about this, hoping to have a really good time!

[pilot]

I still feel like I should put up a fight and have her serve me the papers - even though she told me in a text that this would prevent us from having a friendship.

So in her mind she can have an affair and you are supposed to deal with it and remain friends. However, if you do not help her get a D that you do not want, she says she cannot be your friend. This is just a product of her crazy line of thinking. I would make her serve you. My W filed D a year ago in May. I never went and signed anything. And she never served me. Make her serve you. Once served you normally have 30 days to reply. I would wait as much of those 30 days as you can. You can certainly pick a lawyer in the meantime, but why rush it.

[aNewGuy]

So she told me her father was having surgery this morning and asked me to pray for him.

And then in the next message she asked me if I had decided whether I would go and sign the papers. I wrote back and told her I would be praying for her father throughout the day. And that I had not changed my mind about the papers.

She wrote back a while later and told me I will be served and that this is the last I will hear from her until her lawyer has my signed papers in his hands.

Wow, I think my health could use a break from all of this. I am trying to improve and make other plans and do all the things I need to do to make myself into that guy who anyone would be crazy to leave but days like this make the whole thing so tough to swallow.

[Zelda09]

I'm so sorry, New guy.
As Mark Mansin said, if "Eva Longoria doesn't see the value in me, that's her problem."

Hang in there.

[pilot]

Good for you for not caving to her demands. She is going to be mad at you in part because she cannot control you and she is now figuring this out. Remember, her emotions are going to be a roller coaster as well. Her anger will rise and fall. Just take it for what it is...

[aNewGuy]

Thanks Z and P. I have a lot of work to do on me right now.

Her father had complications in surgery today. Anyone who reads this and prays for others, pray for my father in law.

She got right down to business and had me served with D papers at work today.

I guess now I finally take her seriously that she is the one who is doing this. I plan to keep my distance very much from her - I have enough issues to work on myself.

In reading other peoples situations on here I see many little pieces of myself and my sitch scattered throughout everyone else's. I think I am in the right place here. A lot of learning the real reasons why I act certain ways - I am overall a very good man but reading here and learning bit by bit how some of my actions may be interpreted (based on bits and pieces of other people's sitch's) is causing some concerns for me. I have a long way to go.

[aNewGuy]

For example my making her serve me rather than going down to the lawyer's office really may have set me back in this situation. It makes me feel better because I feel I am making a stand and saying I do not want this D! But my goal shouldn't be just feeling better. I want her to see and know that she is loved. That she married a guy who would do anything for another chance to make babies with her, seriously talking about the babies here not merely the act of making them. Not sure whether I moved closer to, or farther away, from that goal today.