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Hello All,

I am new to DB and have been following some of the other topics. I am currently reading DR and receiving DB coaching sessions. Hoping to get some advice and support from veterans as I am confused on how to proceed and becoming ever increasingly frustrated with my potentially WAH and I am starting to give up hope.

A brief overview of my situation….
We have been M for 12 1/2 years and together for 14. Our M took back seat to many other priorities, which has resulted in lack of intimacy and connection and we turned into two “I’s” instead of “we”. Other than the first couple of years it has not been the greatest. Neither of us took effort to try and resolve R issues since neither of us knew what to do to get the other to re-engage. We both dealt with things by avoiding and withdrawing,

Last year was the worst of it due to one of us unemployed and the other going through major challenges at work. H just started new job in January, so there is a great deal of stress on him. The R came to head 4 weeks ago after fight and hurtful things being said by me. Was my wake-up that I wanted to try and save marriage, but my H is saying he thinks it is too late and he is not sure we can make our M work. That being said, he is still here, on no timeline to decide, and is still engaged to a degree. He is greatly holding back due to fear and the unknown.

I of course like many others started by doing things we are not supposed to do – pleading, suggesting MC, being nice, etc. He has already been mourning the loss of M and does not have a lot of feelings one way or the other at this stage – so he says, but I can tell otherwise. H is leaning towards D, but says he needs space to work through emotions and feelings, as this is major cross roads for us and he wants to make sure he is making right decision. I also believe there is a bit of a MCL going on. I think he is stuck as far as life direct goes (outside of work), is extremely unhappy and lonely, and is also having regrets about not having children.

After listen to some pod casts which I highly recommend for staying positive, and reading DR, I started working on myself and finding my happiness again, LRT and GAL. At first it seemed to be working and he started to soften. When he started to re-engage, I let up too much and he has pulled back in a major way. Hard though because my H's main issues with me were that I was withdrawn, unaffectionate, sex. etc. so this feels opposite of what I should be doing. Since we are also still living in the house, which I know is a blessing, it makes detaching harder as well.

The new discovery from this past weekend is that there is/was OW. I confronted him about whether there was an affair after my intuition kicked in, too many things not jiving, and finding other evidence that led to that conclusion. The A that started last October when he was unemployed. Quite frankly some of his actions right now are becoming quite cruel, which I know has to be from hurt, anger and fear. I just can’t even believe that he would do these things. We have only had initial conversation and not sure how to proceed as far as dealing the A goes. After the discussion on Saturday, he said it was nice to finally have open and honest conversation about marriage, but then pulled back even more. This weekend I told him he was free to leave if that is what he wants, but he said he is still not sure and is not on timeline to decide.

Just needing some direction on how to proceed, so any advice and tips are appreciated.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/09/15 02:49 PM. Reason: edit as per user request

Me: 42 H: 40
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H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Getting confused by H behavior that is all over the board. Went two weeks with him very disconnected. Coming home late, going out with colleagues, not engage in conversation, going to room and shut door. I have been GAL and detaching. I think H is taking notice. After I made it clear that I was moving on with some household things things without him - arranging for lawn care, asked if I should stop buying groceries for two because he is doing his own thing, he seemed to take a bit of a 180.

Has started to re-engage in conversation with me, we decided to go to family wedding together in June in NY (asked if he wanted me to go and his response was if you want to go then you should go. Did not really answer my question which was do you want me to go), asking me about my day, etc. At same time, he is still saying very negative things about marriage. Why waste more time together, you are just going to go back to old ways, why do you want to rebuild marriage, etc. Makes it sound like all my fault. He also says he cannot see being physical with me due to trauma from feeling rejected by no sex and what that did to him emotionally. Does not want any physical contact right now. Is actually repulsed by idea and not sure how he can go from that to feeling attraction again.

He then in next sentence says he is confused. Part of him thinks marriage is over, but then he has interaction with me that causes pause. I ask about specifics about what he sees in that moment and he cannot answer. He says he knows he can be hard to live with. Then mentions that he knows he is putting me through roller coaster and maybe better that he moves out temporarily. I say that is not what I want and will cause further disconnect. I later say that I and glad his is still in house and he says thank you. He has also been around the house more. Yesterday, I wrote apology letter for my part in marriage issues with encouragement from DB coach. Told him no expectation to respond. He brought it up first thing this morning and said, "You did not need to write that. I think that you think this is all your fault." I aid no, that I was just apologizing for what I did and felt I needed to say those things to you. 180 for me as one of my issues is not being open with feelings and thoughts. He said, that is ok, I don't want to fight about it. Was no where near fight! Also has mentioned doing things in future together.

I am wondering if these are signs he is moving towards reconciliation. Very confused by his behavior!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


As far as him being confused I think that early on after they drop the bomb the most confusion exists, this is part of their script.

Unfortunately also part of the script is
things will get worse before they get better.

Keep journaling and learning.

Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/15 06:22 PM.

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Thank you, Cadet.

Good advice. He does not know about DR/DB coaching. Though he does know I am going to IC/coaching. I have told him it is to work on me so I can be better spouse either him or next person depending what happens moving forward with our marriage.

So, I am just supposed to wait for him to bring up conversations about the R? How will I know when it is ok to start being more engaged/pursuing on my end? I assume I am to wait until he takes more initiative than me. though when I pull back to much he seems to get irritated and thinks I am in a bad mood even though I am smiling and pleasant. Just not sure to know when the tide has changed.


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Originally Posted By: BW05
Just not sure to know when the tide has changed.

As a wild guess when the calendar turns over at least a few times,
but seriously when consistent actions match their words.


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Originally Posted By: BW05


So, I am just supposed to wait for him to bring up conversations about the R? How will I know when it is ok to start being more engaged/pursuing on my end? I assume I am to wait until he takes more initiative than me.



That is correct. Men like to pursue, so use that to your advantage. We tend to value most (all humans do, actually) that which is somewhat difficult to obtain. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it's a core part of DBing. It's really nothing more than basic "push-pull" human dynamics between men and women.

Did you really reject him sexually during the marriage, or is he just re-writing marital history?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thanks, Starsky.

Our sex life started out great, at least for the first few years. But as H's schooling went on and we stopped putting marriage first, there was lack of desire on my part due to lack of emotional connection and intimacy. So no he is not really re-writting history, but my lack of desire was also not intentional.

H believes the desire was not there because I did not love him, which is not the case. H also is saying now that it was not important to me, also not the case. His way of dealing with it was to just ask for more sex, which did not help, but he believes that was a valid attempt to solve problem. So in that sense he is re-writing history.

H just withdrew instead of helping figure out the problem with me. It is only since reading books since D day did I understand why I might have lacked desire. I even went to the doctor back when this first started because I actually thought it was a medical issue, but the doctor was no help.

BW


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Need some advice. Had conversation with H about refraining from any further affairs - physical or emotional, while we are figuring out what to do with marriage. I said it would not be fair to me or marriage if he clouds mind with affair.

H said he is not actively seeking this but could not guarantee that it won't happen. I think I should go back and clarify my boundaries about this in a more direct way - i.e. I will not stay in marriage if he continually decides to bring third person into it since he would not be emotionally open to me or our marriage and in essence making his decision.

Thoughts? Is it best to state this sorts of things face to face, text email?


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
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Also, he says he felt no guilt when he had affair and feels no remorse because his needs were not being met. Just trying to figure out how best to address affair.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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