That is exactly what happened with my XW and I (except name calling & physicality). Hope you can get it turned around for you and your sitch works out.
I'm sure you'll have moments when you say "why didn't you tell me ?" But that's not worth it as it doesn't change your sitch or what WE did.
That being said if,and only if, that behavior REALLY changed you can't allow him to assign those behavioral values to you in perpetuity. My XW just got telling me that I'm manipulating the kids to cause her guilt. I let her know that I only control myself and I've been done w/that stuff. Their feelings are theirs. She flipped and started quoting the D agreement a nd took away time from me tomorrow. Never mind the fact I took the kids today so she could go to work.
Point is, the WAS will make us the boogeyman if we continue to allow it. Be gentle while doing it though AND NO SCORECARDS. I know that was tough for me today but I did it.
Good luck!
Last edited by bravo61; 04/19/1506:13 AM.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
When I went back home at Christmas, H said that he agreed that I have made a big difference in the last year or so and he could see us making our way towards each other 50/50.
I didn't just stop, there were times I still got angry etc, but not to the degree it once was. The shouting, physical, belittling stopped immediately as I could see how destructive this was.
My IC said I was pushing and pushing him to prove his love for me to prove that every one I love abandoned me. Twisted thinking I know.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
bravo, I did ask him, why didn't he tell me and he said he tried to but was scared of my reaction :-(
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Finding this weekend particularly hard. H has down loaded some music on iTunes, the music downloads automatically on my iphone etc
3 songs. say Something (I am giving up on you), I'll stand by you and The Only one has 'appeared' on my playlist.
Keep thinking is H waiting for me to call, has he changed his mind, is he sending me a message through those three songs.....Major mind reading I know.
I am missing him so much at this point and I know I must not phone him. Isis so hard. Thoughts anyone?
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Yes, 'Say Something' (I am giving up on you) is especially painful during a break-up, isn't it? When I feel like crying, I watch the Youtube video version with Christina Aguilera.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I understand 100% about why if you're afraid of abandonment you'd be a miserable W. It sounds counter-intuitive, most would assume you'd be extra nice to try to keep him from leaving. But those of us who've been there understand. I always felt like I needed to "test the rope" that tied us together by tugging, tugging. I was my worst because I figured that if she could put up with me at my worst then I was surely safe. Unfortunately the rope did break.
Why would H say you've made some changes and he can see things working, then leave? Did he still tell you those same reasons for why he left? There are reasons that could be the case, I really want to understand this. We don't always get to know why we were left, so if he shared anything with you please pass it on.
Also, fear of abandonment is pretty difficult. Do you feel unworthy of other people's love? Do you medicate at all (alcohol, obsessive facebooking, etc)? Have you done anything to overcome your feelings of abandonment?
I do see many similarities as I felt unlovable, drove my partner away through controlling behavior, and medicated with pornography to medicate. Since then I have made good progress on the thoughts beneath the behaviors so I am curious what more we have in common and where on that journey you are.
Take care and keep posting.
PS- don't worry about your H sending messages. I think it was ItHurts that just posted this, but essentially he said he would never reply to his WAW because everything she said and did was: "all games and manipulation, temperature checking, etc. Unless WAW says she 'made a terrible mistake and wants to do anything and everything to try to rebuild what we had' there is no reason I will reply to her text".
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, H said that the dynamics that we had when we met were no longer there. When we met he said the one thing he liked was my independence and strong personality. He was very insecure and shy.
H now states he no longer wants to live in my shadow and wants to find himself but he can't do this as my husband.
Also, H sanctioned me sleeping with one of my coworkers as it was his fantasy, a one time thing. Unfortunately, I slept with him twice more and H said that I betrayed and lied to him. I did not tell him about these subsequent times. He said there was now so much damage that it is easier to divorce than repair.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
