Quick question. So we have been officially separated for a week. We were supposed to get taxes done this Tuesday. Last night he says he is filing separate. For all of 2014 we had payroll deductions set up,claiming each other. How much do you think this will hurt me. He says he is doing this because I "up and left him." Ha ha
Also how have you handled taxes going forward. He thinks he should get to claim s at least every other year. If he gives me what he says he will be contributing 1500 to s. I will be paying double that in aftershock care alone.
I hate that it has come down to money after a decade plus of sharing our lives.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Since we do not know the incomes, etc., I would suggest that you contact a tax preparer and pose your questions about the way to file. Also, I would ask about what "he" thinks he should be able claim every other year. Don't agree to anything without checking w/a professional or your lawyer when it comes to money. Mlcers tend to ensure that they get the better end of the deal and will attempt to leave you w/little to nothing.
When my xh walked out, we filed jointly for the last year that we were together, but the following years, I decided to file separately and to be honest, it was the best decision that I had ever made for myself.
Talk to a professional before doing anything. It's important that you get the right information up front so that you won't have any regrets later on.
Saw step kids tonight for first time since I moved. They had a lot to say about situation. I ate it up and now I feel like cr@p knowing what I know. I think in tbe morning I will apologize for not being more of an adult. I will tell them that in tbe future if they are hurt or upset about anything their father does they can certainly talk to me. If not I would rather not know any details about their father.
Here are some of the things swimming in my head.
- there are photos around house of stbxh (actually not so soon as there is a year wait and we gave only been officially separated 3 weeks)... family photos of him, OW and OW daughter.
-OW daughter (11) calls my future exh "daddy". She told the kids she was like their sister because their dad was dating her mom. Ss 16 asked him if he was no admitting he cheated. He said no. That the girl was mistaken. He is just good friends and roommate with her mom.
An aside on that one... he still is saying he is gay and they are roommate. I will eat my word 100X over if I ever find out that is true. But if it is the lie I think it is (based on the continously growing pile if evidence) how can someone lie so blatantly for so long. What does he get from it.
-OW daughter told boys she hates me because I treat s badly. (where do we think she heard that?)
-future exh is apparently not drinking at all because he is just so happy.
-while we struggled for years financially and future exh worked the bare minimum for the past year and drank away a chunk of his paycheck he now apparently is working regularly and,buying himself and his new family tons of stuff. (Giving me a miniscule child support check based on his previous years income)
-future exh wants OW to bring s back to me in the mornings when s sleeps over midweek (1 night s week when I work late). He wanted her to take s to school but I stood strong against that. I said a random person was not getting involved at school. He said she wasn't a random person. I asked him to clarify that since he was claiming she was just a roommate. He hung up on me.
I just feel like I should be less affected by all this but it is like opening wounds over and over.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie, Definitely tell the kids not to bring info back to you. You do not need to hear this rubbish about what is going in that household. It's one thing for them to talk to you if they are upset w/their father. As for the kid running off at the mouth...it's to stir the pot and keep the kids upset. Besides, what does an 11 year old know about the situation except what she hears and sees going on in that house?
It's time to set some boundaries for yourself so that you can heal. BTW, it takes time to detach and you can't detach if you continue to hear rubbish. The kids mean well, but it's not helping you to hear this stuff.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. That is pretty much what I said to them this morning when I was driving them back to their mom. That if anything was truly upsetting them or if s was in danger I needed to know. Otherwise we all need to work towards moving on and please don't share the details.
It was nice to hear them say how much calmer and happier things felt at my new place.
I feel so sad for all the kids affected by future exh actions. but I know there is nothing I can do to fix the relationship for the kids or help them regain any respect for their dad.
Ss 16 said he really isn't bothered by anything his dad says or does because he just doesn't care anymore.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Had a really good day. Ss 16 was competing in a regional dance competition. he has been dancing for a few years and I have never been to one since I usually work on the weekend. This time I was off so I jumped at the chance to go. It was amazing. All these talented kids with so much energy. And the music was amazing. S was dancing on the sidelines the whole time.
We drove there with Ss and his mom (exw1) and we ended up going to dinner after. This particular grouping has never hung out alone before. It was not at all awkward and future exh did not come up at all. Not because we were avoiding talking about him just because nothing about him factored into our day.
On a weird side note. . There was one troupe who danced to a medley of songs with "believe " in the title or lyrics. I was tearing up on the verge of full blown weeping. wondering how long I will keep experiencing these emotional tugs.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I'm glad you went to the competition. I'm sure your Ss16 was happy to have you there to watch him dance. Kids need to know that their parents (and step parents) are there supporting them.
As for your h...let him twirl in the wind. He is losing out on so much.
Julie, give yourself a break. You are going to have days when things trigger those emotions. It takes a long time to heal from this type of crisis. Feel the emotions, allow them to wash over you and then release them.
One day, when you least expect it, you'll discover that those triggers won't affect you as they have in the past. It all takes time, i.e., one day at a time. Don't rush the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seems future exh has completely disregarded our verbal agreement that "random people" (aka non family members Aka OW) did not interact with school including drop off and pick up.
Last week there was a morning I had to go to work early. I signed s up for morning day care and he slept over future exh. I had asked future exh that night how the early drop off went and he said fine. Find out today it was all a lie. 2 separate teachers told me they stopped a strange woman they saw walking in hall with s. When I questioned future exh about breaking the agreement he said it was ok because she didn't interact with any one, just dropped him off.
Am I being childish and ridiculous about this. I know I have no control over her interactions with s during his time with future exh. However I don't think she should be involved with things like school, doctors, therapists etc.
I mean this is a person who I filed a police report against for harassment and threats. The absolute worst part of all of this is s spending time with her.
And tonight is s birthday and he had dinner with them as he does every Wed. I made a bday breakfast and we did presents in the morning. I took day off work and did lunch and cupcakes at school.
For the last few weeks future xh had s home by 630. When they were not here by 715 I started calling. He kept sending back those preset texts "I am in a,meeting now " and "I am busy" Finally he answered and said they were doing presents and he would bring him back whenever. .. ahhhhh. School night!!!!
my mother had suggested that my uncle may help me pay for a separation agreement so I could have something official that addresses things like this but he said no.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie, He doesn't get to say "no". Get a lawyer ASAP. Get it set up in writing when and where s is supposed to be. It is wrong to just not show up when he was supposed to. H has made it clear that he doesn't have any intention to keep his word. You are your sons parent. Your husband doesn't have the right to allow a non-family member to be involved in your sons school if you don't want them to be. Ex is doing all he can to get at you and is using his own child as a weapon against his mother. To me that makes him pond scum. Get a lawyer. Get a separation agreement in place whether he wants one or not. There are consequences to his actions and one is he isn't in control of S's life without your agreement. Don't wait. Do it today and show H and OW that you aren't going to just let them get away with what they are doing. I would love to watch as he explains to a judge how he is really gay and that OW and her child are just "roommates" and "friends" and also hear what OW has to say about having the police need to be involved and how she threatened you with having her cop brother harass you. Tell the people at the school that OW is NOT on the list of people allowed to pick up your son and he is not to be allowed to go with her. It's time to get proactive at protecting your S from the crazyness that is your H! I wish I had done more and my D15 is suffering now because I didn't act sooner. You are in the right here Julie. You tried, he didn't. Don't let him hurt your S even more. Just my thoughts.....
