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Last edited by Cadet; 04/20/15 03:03 PM. Reason: Links

Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hey sorry I haven't been on here for a bit. I did get the 25k from my ex. Whew! Booked a week away in July in Mexico for my SD, D and I.

Sooooo the Fireman and I weren't seeing each other for a couple weeks. The last date that I had in the beginning of March felt kinda awkward. When we talked about it over text later he said he felt like I wasn't in to him. He wondered if there was not enough chemistry. I told him I had felt the same and thought that our dates had been to far apart. I would just start warming up and then he wasn't available for work, sickness ect. I also told him I felt like maybe we were mirroring each other's fears.

Anyway fast forward three weeks and he messaged me. He said he had been thinking a lot about me. He said he thought I may be right and we were mirroring each other. He asked me if I was willing to give dating him another shot. I was surprised ( in a good way) to hear from him. I had been missing his daily text messages. I was glad he had thought about what I had said and reflected. So we set a date for yesterday.

We had been in contact again for three days before our date. He was being more open and more flirty which was making me more open and more flirty back. When he came yesterday we had made plans to meet at my place then go for dinner. He gave me a hug and quick kiss when he came in. You could tell the energy around us was different. We chatted a bit more and then started kissing mid sentence! Hahaha. We kissed for a few mins and then chatted a bit before leaving for dinner. The restaurant was walking distance from my place. We held hands and continued to hold hands over dinner.

After dinner we came back here and we talked, kissed and cuddled for about an hour. He left at 830 as he was getting tired after his nightshift and I was starting my first day today.

He texted me when he knew I would have gotten home from work and we chatted back and forth for a bit so so far so good. This was a huge step for me. He was good not to bust any major moves but it sure was nice to be kissed, really kissed again. Lol It's been a looooong time.

Worst case I had a really nice night with a very handsome man. I certainly felt the chemistry increase, hopefully he did too. I'm just going to let him do the pursuing.

I finally feel free from any emotional bonds from my ex. It's quite liberating. He's due to pay me the next 25k soon.

How are you doing Mum22. I was thinking about you the other day. Vanilla I will have to catch up on your thread. Thanks for checking in on me. 😘


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Very interesting update! Honestly, it's very hard to know what to make of it. There's a section of DR explaining that friendly advice is often anti-relationship because our friends want the shortcut to what's best for us, so they suggest to bail on anything that is short of perfect. I have that in mind as I reflect on your recent dating (and I'm concerned that your overreacting friend will read the worst in date #6!).

I'm under the impression that your fireman is mostly clumsy. We're all afraid of rejection, so we go out of our way to avoid it. Perhaps you said something that gave him the wrong impression, perhaps a friend suggested to slow down so as not to scare you, perhaps, perhaps... But I can hardly imagine he's not that into you and yet keeps on coming back, holding your hand and kissing you. Careful not to fall into the mirroring trap again.

As for the not suggesting any activity, I don't see it as a dating problem, but perhaps something he's not very good at in life in general. It's long been my problem and I much prefer being organized that organizing an activity. It's part of the Nice Guy script: we're afraid of not conforming to expectations, so we go along with everyone else's choices. We feel like our preferences are not really worthy. Perhaps this guy really likes monster trucks, but won't tell you because it's more important for him to please you. The problem is that this over-adaptation is not very attractive in the long run. Just a thought.

I understand that the dance of dating is full of things unsaid. Still, a good part of me wonders why you two can't quite just say what's on your mind at this stage. You've kissed passionately already, so in my inexperienced mind, the worst is behind you and you know the attraction is mutual.

I hope there will be a date #7. I recently sent LisaB to year thread as she's also facing the dating scene from the woman's perspective. You might also want to look her up and share your experience.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Last posts from my last thread....Its about to lock


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hi Karma, interesting to read your stories about the dates with Mr. Fireman. He sounds sweet, if maybe a little passive. I think that is partly what is causing your difficulties. He is a bit passive and you are more direct and so he's kind of just leaving things up to you to "lead" and tell him what you want.

That's nice but it would also drive me crazy.

I'm glad you could be open with him and tell him that you felt distant and that he could think about what you said and react.

Dating is so difficult, knowing when to say something, when to show you are interested, when to back off and let him pursue. Especially confusing in these first stages where you don't know each other. I'll be watching your story! I'm excited for you.

Also very nice to read that you feel free from the emotional bonds with your exH. So liberating not to feel that struggle and sadness.

Have a great day!
Hugs, Lisa

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Hi Lisa, thx for chiming in. I hadn't heard from him at all in 48 hrs so I sent him this. I will post his reply and mine


Hi

I'm sending you a note here as it is easier than a looooong text.

I'm feeling a little confused so rather than keeping it in my head or making choices without asking I thought I'd share what I'm thinking/feeling.

If you read back over our messages here and our text messages following we seemed happy to have reconnected and excited to see each other again. You flirted and I flirted back and it was fun. I appreciated that we had been able to share some of how we both had been feeling. We agreed we both wanted to try dating again and we made a date.

I noted before the date you were texting very frequently and although you had always been friendly I was enjoying the new flirty banter. It was fun and made me smile. It also created for me some of the chemistry I had been waiting to feel.

Date #5 came and I was happy to see you. This was when we shared our first real kiss and it felt really good. I thought yep there is chemistry and something to build on. After finally having some physical closeness and it feeling good I was glad we had reconnected.

The week following we continued to text but I did notice that the flirty banter wasn't there. Even when I attempted to create it a couple of times. I thought maybe you were just comfortable with me now? Then we had date #6 and I felt at first we had taken another step backwards. Although you were friendly there was no romantic gestures. A quick kiss hello. This I found confusing since we had been closer on our last date. We held hands going to Sammjs but not in Whiterock. As the date progressed I actually was thinking that maybe you weren't attracted to me after all. I decided to just enjoy the evening with you and not worry about it.

When we got home I was actually surprised you agreed to come up. I was even more surprised when you took my hand and held it. Then a more romantic kiss goodbye.

So what I am saying in my long winded attempt is I feel like I am getting mixed signals from you. I feel like you are running hot and cold with me and I don't really know why. Am I one of many? Are you confused? Or am I way off base?

From my perspective I have been happy to meet someone (you) that is in my age group that is attractive, has a real job! Lol does not have little kids and likes to work out. We have just scratched the surface of getting to know each other. I'd like to know you.

. If there are other things or places you would like to go on a date I am open to it. If there are things you want to know about me ask. If the convo we are having is not interesting to you take the lead and change it. If you want to kiss me....kiss me!

I do have a full busy and happy life. I like workout, hangout with friends and family doing many different things. I am very involved in my career. I have made time for you because I like you and do want to get to know you. I'm only dating you. It's not my style to poly date.

I hope you don't mind my sharing my feelings. We have known each other for a few months now. I felt I should be comfortable sharing.

Hugs


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hey .. I've been thinking about where this is going and for me I'm still not feeling the hole chemistry connection I've been give it sometime but it's not there . You are a awesome person and fun to be and I don't want to lead you on thinking everything is great and nothing wrong . You will have no problem finding mr. Write for you . Sorry if I wasted your time I wish you nothing but happiness .., Cheers


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hey,

Well I'm sorry to hear that. I wasn't feeling instant chemistry either but did feel it when we kissed. Enough at least that I thought we had something that would grow. I definitely felt a wall up last time though and this time I knew it wasn't me. I wasn't being guarded. You asked me to try and I was committed to giving it a shot. I had assumed we would have started where we had left off on our last date.

I'm used to being pursued and men making an effort to impress me on a date. You seemed really keen at the beginning and then you weren't and then you were and then you weren't. This has been a very odd experience for me. Even when we first started chatting online you said lets meet and then disappeared for two weeks. Then messaged again and said sorry let's meet. I laughed it off at the time but it has been a pattern now since our first chats. I honestly was wondering if you were emotionally unavailable or commitment phobic.

I don't feel you wasted my time as seeing you and chatting with you was a choice I made. What I would have appreciated was more honesty. I do not appreciate being left wondering. I don't appreciate the mixed signals and hot and cold behaviour. I am a big girl and will not be heartbroken if the Chemistry is not there for you. I know if I hadn't asked that we would have continued texting ( in a friendly manner) with me wondering when the next date will be and what's up. In my opinion- that's not fair. I was being honest, I made an effort to look nice and make you feel comfortable with me. I deserve and expect the same in return.

Cheers,


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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So my intuition tells me he does have some kind of fear of relationships. He told me his Mother was abusive towards him and his siblings. Throwing him down the stairs as a child and stabbing his brother in the back. He hasn't seen or spoken to her in over 30 yrs. He was married once for seven years and was cheated on. I have a sense he has trouble letting a woman get close.

I'm disappointed but glad to not continue with someone that truely does not know what they want. Plus I really felt that for a nice looking guy he did not have a clue about dating 101. I know we are more casual over here on the west coast but he wore jeans, runners, a tee shirt with a hoodie on all six dates! He never once offered to pay and his spelling as you can see is atrocious. Lol

Oh Well back to the drawing board. Lol At least it did get me out there and I know I can feel attracted to someone other than my ex. Mozza can't wait to see what you say now! Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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I'm mildly surprised. My main theory was still that he was clumsy. What you're saying about his clothing would be another clue, especially if he showed up like this on the first date when his level of interest should be at least high. My other idea, today, was that he was nervous about getting into bed with you. Reading Models made me realize that guys can have issues at any step of the dating process. For me, the biggest hurdle is the initial contact, but for some it's the conversation after, the physical touch, asking for the phone number, the first kiss, inviting home, getting frisky, etc. I thought he might be getting nervous knowing that the next date might end up in bed. Performance anxiety? Fear of letting you down and being dumped? To me, these options were all on the table.

Then again, he did send mixed signals and his withdrawal is not totally a surprise. I'm very happy that you took the time to be very direct with him and it gave you the answer you needed at this stage.

I think you've been a little hard on him in your last message. I'm not sure he lead you on. These feelings are hard to identify and he might still have been working on them. For instance, at the previous date maybe he kissed you to see if it would awaken something in him, the way that it did for you. At the next date, he might have been giving it one last go, and then in the days after, he might have been pondering. Your email might have been what made him make a decision. Should I receive an email like this, it would make me even more nervous about dating because there are already tons of unspoken rules and now I'd feel like I missed more of them and I should very quickly know if I'm into a girl or not and then let her know.

Also, I'm sure you know that you will "waste" a lot of time in dating. Not everyone will be able to tell you on sight that they are not interested. You seem attractive so some people might want to give it a go. Feelings will not always be clear after a couple of dates. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the process itself without having too much expectations. You seem to be moving on fairly well, under the circumstances.

I can't wait to see what impact it has on your perception of STBX. wink


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hey Mozza,

Thanks for the feed back. I do appreciate the male perspective. I Understand I may have seemed a bit hard on him. The reason I was was he had gone from texting multiple times a day to no contact for 48 hrs. Plus the last date was very awkward for me. I understand he may have been processing things but he also would have known that I was left wondering. If I had posted the messages he sent asking me to try again and how much he hoped I would. That he found me attractive and sexy ect you would understand my directness more. I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's a guy with some issues. The last thing I need t deal with is another mans issues! Lol I just wanted to date and have fun. Oh well. Lol

I had another guy chat me up at the gym that I think is attractive and another one send me a message online that intrigued me. I'm taking my time and just enjoying my life right now. It would be nice to have it click with someone and one day it will.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Mozza what did u mean about my perception of my STBX? Why would it change?


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Originally Posted By: Karma12
Mozza what did u mean about my perception of my STBX? Why would it change?

I'm not saying anymore at the moment because I don't want to interfere in the process! wink


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hi Karma,
Sorry to hear about Mr Fireman going down the tubes. I do agree with Mozza that he seems clueless more than really disinterested. But you don't need that in your life! Plus the spelling thing... sorry but that just made my eyeballs bleed.

I like how direct you are sending that email to him. Very brave! In my experience it does help to be very brief when communicating with men though. I liked that you laid it all out there but I think my advice for the future would be to keep it to a few sentences. Just my two cents! Maybe the men here have other thoughts?

Good luck with the other prospects, Karma! I'll be following along! smile

Hugs, Lisa

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Hi Lisa, you made me laugh with the "eyeballs bleed" . It really was hard to get past. All the texting with horrible spelling. I agree that brief is better with men. We first started chatting in January and met Feb 6 so I guess I had a lot to say. Lol Our first coffee date lasted three hours and our second date was two days later. He wanted me off the dating site and was telling me he couldn't believe I was single, he wanted to spent more time with me, he was really interested in me and thought I was amazingly beautiful....blah blah. This is the behaviour of someone comittment phobic. They try and sweep you off your feet and get you to connect with them and then once you do they disappear. No wonder I initially had my guard up. The reason I am glad this happened again with him is that I had blamed myself. I thought I had been too guarded at first. Especially since he told me I had been. He came back for round two fully interested again. Flirting with me like crazy. Asking me if I would try again and let my guard down. He behaved exactly the same way, only this time I was wiser. The good thing is it did help me cross that bridge from feeling married still to embracing being single. I will be following you too.

Mozza......you have definetly tweeked my interest....lol

On wards to bigger and better. It's a beautiful day today...I am happy to be alive.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Yeah Karma, he sounds like a confused fellow. I think you are better off without him and his rollercoaster of emotions. Issues... Run away from those while you can right? haha

Have a great day Karma! Hugs!

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Plenty of fish left.

Ignore the shark, pass the catfish by, don't grab the eel, admire but don't touch the fighting fish and the shy silver crabs, never swim with jellyfish.

There are lovely angel fish and sparkling rainbow trout to add to your aquarium instead.


V

Last edited by Vanilla; 04/20/15 11:56 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hahaha....Love Love that post V. You made my day.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Where's the fire behind the smoke??!

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Haha good one Wonka


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Cadet thanks so much for linking my threads! I'm not very good at anything beyond the basics with technology. Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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I didn't get to the Piranha but he's moved out!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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What? Oh I'm hoping over to your thread V


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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So it appears the guy that asked me if I went to his high school at the gym last week is interested in me. He made a point of working out around me then chatting to me today. I remembered Mozza what you said about how hard it is to get the courage to walk up to a girl so I was nice. Hahahaha.

I'm not sure how interested in him I am. He's not a bad looking guy. Seems nice enough. Nice to not be under the same pressure as a date. I could chat a bit then leave. Lol He would have kept chatting but I finally did have to go. Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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A little harmless flirt.

Good for you

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I think I am giving off some kind of Aura or single energy....lol

I was out for dinner last night with my Brother and Sister in-law. My brother had just asked me how the dating fire was put out with my fireman. I told him the story and then mentioned the guy at the gym chatting me up. Just as I said " I think I'm giving off a different vibe and its attracting men" at that very moment a nice looking young man walked by our table and stopped to let me know I had a spot of food on my cheek. I said " oh thanks" my Sister law looked at me and said " what the h-ll? And my brother said "hey how come he didn't notice the food on my cheek" lol

Life is full of ups and downs....I feel like I am on an upswing- finally!


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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I love that, by the way I use a bib for spaghetti!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Food on your cheek, that is the cutest thing ever! smile

I say, when it rains it pours!

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Hi all,...so no new dating to report. I haven't seen the guy that chatted me up at the gym for over a week. I'll be there tomorrow so I will let you know. Lol otherwise I have been very busy and overall happy!

This weekend is Mother's Day and my adult children made a reservation for dinner at an Ocean front resturant close to my home. I texted my Stbx as my kids invited SD. Instead of texting back he called me...I had just texted him so he knew I was with my phone. Lol I was surprised he called. He proceeded to update me on his court proceedings against his Step Mother. He had done very well and it looks like he may have some successes in the near future.

It's like Lisa said when you are trying to be detached they know you really aren't. But when you are detaching they sense that too. As far as he knows I am just living my life and still dating. Is this what you were alluding too Mozza?

Anyway...I'm still ok...lol keeping busy and just enjoying each day as it comes.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Spaghetti Bol for tea. With vino de plonk.

Cheese and sweet corn.

Chocolate? Not yet.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Ok Nilla...I'm sure you will be entertained by tonight's dating story.

So...I went to the gym to work out after waking up from my night shift. I saw someone staring at me and he was quite nice looking so I looked back. It was the guy I had talked to before only I didn't recognize him from the distance. Lol He came over to say hello and we exchanged niceties. A few mins later he came back and said " are you busy after this?" Normally I would not admit I did not have plans on a Friday night but he knew I was just off my work set so I said " actually I'm not" He then asked if I would like to go for a drink at the beach after we were done and I thought what the h-ll sure.

He has vertigo so he can't drive so we went in my car. He looks good for his age (55) and comes across as someone that was very " hot " in his time. Lol. We sat at a nice patio on the beach and chatted for 2.5 hrs. He made it quite obvious he likes me which of course scared me. Lol I found it a bit overwhelming as he was still a stranger to me. He paid for dinner...nice.
then we went for a walk along the beach. He is very open and it did raise some red flags for me. He felt because I'm a Nurse he could trust me and admitted he has type two bipolar disorder. This is what ended his marriage 15 yrs ago as he behaved impulsively and had a relationship while he was newly separated. I'm thinking emotional affair that crossed over after separating. Anyway I guess we all have baggage by this age and stage. I'm thinking I will go out with him one more time and see how I feel. I wasn't feeling much chemistry on my side but like I said I still see him as a stranger. Will update soon. He's already texted to let me know he's home. Lol UGH! Hahaha.

Tomorrow is drinks with a girlfriend. Sunday is Mothersday dinner out with my kiddos.
Cheers,

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Karma, you are so cute. I completely relate to this story.

Keep us posted on what's next with this fella.

Happy Mother's Day to you!

Hugs, Lisa

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Hmmmm,

Baggage or red flag?

Karma, light and breezy.

Smiling at the choices, encouraging you to taster sessions.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey V and Lisa,

Yes I am happy that I recognise the red flags now right away. I have not gone on anymore dates. I think the guy from my last date realizes I was not interested in any more dates. Lol

Just enjoying life at present. Keeping busy. Had an amazing Mothers Day last weekend with all my adult children. I received beautiful flowers as well as chocolates....lovely.

I have had a couple of interactions with STBX. He picked up SD last weekend after Mothers Day dinner. He came in and was chatting. He ate SD and my leftovers...lol Again gave me a hug goodbye when they left. Today I picked up SD for a visit and he invited me in and was chatting. I am just being myself. Chatting and being friendly in a friend like way. He gave SD and I both hugs as we left. I took her to the Beach for dinner and we enjoyed a beautiful view from a patio. Then back to my place for a movie and sleepover. I will keep her most of tomorrow and return her in the evening to her Dad. He doesn't know anything about my dating life. I don't let on about anything. I just make sure I look great and leave it at that. Lol I can tell he's try to keep some connection with me. Silly boy.

It's after midnight here..,,I better grab some zzzzzzz. Until my next adventure lol GNite all


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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I am keen for an update on your journey.

V


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Hi V....

Well I have been very busy with work. I attended a conference and made many new contacts.

I was feeling a hug pull the last few days to my STBX. I called him tonight and he had sD in the car so we chatted a bit. He called me whe they got home and told me he hadn't been feeling very well and his back was out. Explained the pull I was feeling. He asked me if we could talk in person instead we of over the phone. I'm working so until Sunday, he asked me to text Sunday then.

He told me he was aware that he is not emotionally available and I was not alone in complaining. Interesting. I will let you know what comes of this meeting. We are at this point still married,


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Please explain

The pull I am feeling?

V


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I'm very intuitive and the last couple weeks I found my STBX was popping into my mind constantly. I felt like I had taken a big step backwards because I had been feeling disconnected for quite a while and now I was feeling this "pull". Why was I feeling such a strong connection.

I have noticed when he sees me now he is more like the old STBX before BD. For example I was dropping off SD's shoes that she had left at my place. STBX was chatting with me at the door. I accidentally dropped one of the shoes. He bent over to pick it up and I dropped the other one just missing his head with the small heel. He looked at me with a grin and said that just missed my head! I looked at him with a grin and said " Karma". We both laughed after.

I finally decided to call him last night. Wine creates courage! Lol He answered and was driving with SD. They both chatted with me over the car speaker and I asked him to call when he had time later. He called back and I told him he had been on my mind a lot lately and I asked if he was ok. He said he'd been having some issues with his health and had also hurt his back. I told him that I wasn't sure if something was wrong with him or if I had been on his mind and I was picking up on it.

He told me he does think about me sometimes. He said he wanted me to know he has been told by others that he is emotionally unavailable. He said he'd like to get together for coffee and talk. He said he didn't like talking on the phone he'd rather we talk in person. He told me he didn't want me to think he didn't care about me or my feelings. I was very surprised that he was using communication skills and I statements. I was also surprised he wanted to talk in person. In the past he was an avoider soTalking on the phone I would have thought would have been easier for him.

He started his MLC at 40. Really obvious change at 41. BD was at 42. Now he is approaching 45 this Sept. I'm wondering if he is coming out of the tunnel. It sounds like he has done some reflecting and I was surprised at his willingness to communicate. I am working this weekend so the plan is to try and meet on Sunday before I go in for my night shift. I will fill you in after we meet.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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So Karma, did you meet with H?

V


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Hi V,

Yes I did meet with him. He had to go pick up SD from girl guide camp so by the time he was free to meet it was 430. I had to leave for work at 6pm so that didn't leave us much time. We were going to meet for coffee then he said he didn't feel like coffe so he wanted to meet at Menchies ( a frozen yogurt place by my place.)

I met him outside on a bench. He gave me a hug and asked if I felt like going to the Sushi place next to Menchies instead as he was now starving after the long drive from camp. So off we went into the Sushi place. We ordered a few things to share and started to chat about everything except us. It was not a place where you could have a private convo and we didn't have much time so I just went with the flow.

We had an enjoyable time and had no problem keeping up a convo, he seemed to enjoy my company and would have stayed longer if I hadn't had to leave for work. He hugged me again when I left and he paid for our meal.

What I thought was going to be a coffee and talk ended up being more like a date. So confusing. I don't know whether to ask to talk or just leave it and see what he does. He seems very comfortable with me and more like his old self before BD. he even picked up my half eaten prawn and finished it. Lol

Seeing him more like his old self stirs old feelings in me. It's been almost three hrs and there is still a connection. I don't know what to think


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Originally Posted By: Karma12
Hi V,

Yes I did meet with him. He had to go pick up SD from girl guide camp so by the time he was free to meet it was 430. I had to leave for work at 6pm so that didn't leave us much time. We were going to meet for coffee then he said he didn't feel like coffe so he wanted to meet at Menchies ( a frozen yogurt place by my place.)

Yummie

I met him outside on a bench.

Great so far!

He gave me a hug and asked if I felt like going to the Sushi place next to Menchies instead as he was now starving after the long drive from camp. So off we went into the Sushi place.

Practical. Were there any other choices?

We ordered a few things to share and started to chat about everything except us.

well within Sandi guidelines.

It was not a place where you could have a private convo and we didn't have much time so I just went with the flow.

Several more meetings using this castle strategy.

We had an enjoyable time and had no problem keeping up a convo, he seemed to enjoy my company and would have stayed longer if I hadn't had to leave for work.

Keep it short. leave early be the first to move on. Be warm but busy with your life and GAL.

He hugged me again when I left and he paid for our meal.

So far so DB.

What I thought was going to be a coffee and talk ended up being more like a date.

dear one, not a date. A warm picnic style interaction. H may well back track. leave him to make the next contact.

So confusing. I don't know whether to ask to talk or just leave it and see what he does.

The latter.
He seems very comfortable with me and more like his old self before BD. he even picked up my half eaten prawn and finished it. Lol

careful, get lots of GAL in. No expectations. It's very soon in the process. If he wants to piece he will be very upfront.

Seeing him more like his old self stirs old feelings in me. It's been almost three hrs and there is still a connection. I don't know what to think


There will be! You have been DB after all. That is what becoming someone only a fool will leave looks like isn't it?

Sounds ok, put it out of your mind and that's hard. Remember the castle and the picnic? It's worked for Edz. You are going to need more Intel aren't you Karma?

And a fireman or two to distract.

Lovely interactions.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hahaha....thanks V. You are the best. Yes I have been DB and just living my life. Have not made any attempts to see STBX. He has been in contact via text and email regarding SD and my brother ( giving some advice on custody). I sent him an email too reminding him of the rest of the money he owes me. I asked to see SD for dinner tomorrow. I am now tanned and will look fabulous when I pick her up. Just living my life and not over thinking anything.

Hugs

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Picked up SD. STBX invited me in. He chatted to me while I waited for SD. Poured me a small glass of vino and one for himself and made a point of saying cheers, and taping our glasses. Lol SD and I left shortly after. He gave both of a hug good bye at the door. When I brought SD. Back he chatted more at the door. Offering his help to my brother for his legal stuff. Talked a bit about my kids and then I said I better go. I have work in the am. I hugged SD. Goodbye and left. I got a text from SD about 30 mins later saying guess where Dad and I are? I guessed the frozen yogurt place by my place. She had said no they were out for hot wings. I said well what a fun Dad and daughter date. I said eat on for me and enjoy. He would have been aware she was texting and probably asked what is said. Now I am off to bed. Work in the am. Yawn!


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Gently.

All sounds good to me.

V


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So tonight my STBX sent me an email to help out my Brother in his custody issues with his ex. Lol. He really is very intelligent and I think missed his calling. He'd make a great Lawyer.

Some of what he wrote reminded me of the arguments he gave his lawyer when we were fighting for custody of SD. Eg....the material change is he is now married in a long term stable relationship. The child has bonded with the Step Mother whom is a positive maternal role model. She will benefit from a large extended family.

I felt tempted to write back thx....too bad SD doesn't get to live the life you promised which was all of above. Of course I didn't. What I did write back was.

Thanks! I will send this to them right away. They will be very Happy to get it as they are meeting with their lawyer tomorrow at 3. I added that my my brother M was very lucky to have his wife M stand by him through this. She has been good to my niece and provided a nice home for them. When the chips are down that's all that really matters. Having your family there for you. Heading to bed now...thx again....K. Little message in there....hahaha.

My brother was very grateful though as the info STBX provided will be helpful. I said yep he's good for something's....hahaha.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Karma

I would pass on the thanks. Without the additions!

V


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Hi all,


My brother has continued to have issues with his ex W. It has created more contact with my STBX. as he has been helping my brother with some of the legal stuff. My brother is remarried and has been divorced for six yrs. His ex W was a WAS and now tries to rewrite the story to make my brother out to be the WAS. She is trying to reduce his access to their daughter and causing him a lot of grief.

I sent my STBX the legal info my brother received yesterday. I was at work and had been asked by my brother to come over after work. My STBX called me ( he doesn't call often usually texts) and we talked about my brothers situation. I told him I was going to my brothers later after work and asked if he would join me there and explain to my brother what he was telling me. I said I understand everything you are telling me but I am not you and don't know how to answer their questions like you would. He agreed to come and then went on to tell me about some work things and other stuff in his own life. I finally had to say I really have to go my break is over and I have to get back to my patients. He seemed to enjoy talking to me and didn't want the convo to stop. He was going on at length with his stories. Before his MLC he would always share his stories with me. He said I was always very supportive and a good listener.

He had asked me to text him after work and let him know when we would be going to my brothers. I did and he said he would be ready in a half hour. I told him I would walk to my brothers and meet him there.

When he arrived he had brought SD. Once she heard where he was going she wanted to come too. They were both greeted warmly by my brother and his wife and we set SD up upstairs with a movie so we could have our adult convo.

This was the first time my STBX had seen my brother since we separated almost 3 yrs ago. STBX took a chair from the dining room and sat opposite me and my sister law. ( we were on the couch). My brother poured STBX some wine and then STBX changed his seat and sat on the end of the couch closer to me. We all chatted for a couple of hours and STBX was very helpful with his advice to my Brother. I had gone up and checked on SD and she had fallen asleep pretty quickly after the movie started. When they were going to go STBX asked me to go get SD and he then picked up my dog and pretended to take her. I said oh no you don't. Lol We walked SD and STBX to the door and they both hugged me as they left.

My brother and sister in law said Well that was interesting. I said What was interesting. They said they both noticed that STBX had originally sat at a distance and then moved closer. They said that they caught him watching me and looking at me many times. They said when I would get up and walk across the room his eyes would leave them and follow me. They said he was very aware of you at all times. I said I have noticed he is very comfortable around me but didn't know he was watching me. It was interesting to have someone else see us together and observe our interactions.

STBX texted when he got home and said he hoped he had helped. I thanked him and said he had. I told him I appreciated his help as he is very knowledgeable when it comes to these issues. I said Charlie agrees ( that's my dog) He joked about their venting and i joked back. Then I said We are so smart! Why is it we are apart again? Lol GNite. He sent back a smile lol and GNite.
It was done tongue and cheek. He knew it and I could tell he enjoyed the interaction.

I am noticing that STBX is more like his old self before his MLC. He is now able to engage with me and enjoy the interaction. I will just leave him now to ponder all that and continue to GAL.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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You have lots of time Karma.

Easy tiger.............

Let it unfold.

Detach from the outcome.

Go chase a firemans hose


V


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I always look forward to your two bits V. Lol No worries....I am keeping busy.

Today I took SD to Hot Yoga with me and out for dinner. STBX picked her up at 1115pm at my place. He had said earlier that he didn't know she was going to yoga too. I reminded him I had texted him. He said " well I don't read all my texts" I'm busy with work ect." . He had wanted SD to empty the dishwasher and take the dog for a walk before going for dinner with me. I said " ok we have time. sD empty the dishwasher and walk the dog." Easy and done. Lol when we left I asked whether he was picking up SD or I was to drop her off. He said I may go to the gym. Check in later" I said ok you text me. I don't want to text you if you aren't going to read it." He looked at me and smiled realizing how stupid his earlier response had been. I said Now I guess I will have to be a stalker saying did you read my text?" SD said " girl power" He smiled and we left.

I had a lovely time with SD. I had already run with my dog before picking her up. She did great in HoT Yoga! We then had her Gran meet us for dinner and came back here to my place for a movie. I looked really nice when STBX picked up SD. I was confident and cheerful. I noticed him looking at me. I did not try and extend the visit and sent them on their way. I only reminded him of my need for a travel letter for our trip to Mexico.

I think my MLC STBX is still trying to sort himself out. I will continue to be the Wife that only a fool would leave. I have a life and feel good about myself. If it is not him I will be happy and he will get left behind. Time will tell.

Glad to see you are posting V. Hope you are doing well.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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You are well and truly developing sophistication Karma.

Balance and respect girlfriend, your posts are really inspiring.

Thank you and Big hugs

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/21/15 07:29 PM.

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Hi there,
Its been long since Ive been here but just wanted to check on you.
Looks like you 'got things going on' and have a good life. Im curious to see where thid thing with your ex is going. I really admire your persistance, I dont think Zi want my ex back anymore after these last weeks. You are more willing to fight then I am, I admire you for it.
I look forward to reading your posts!


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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Mom22 so great to hear from you! I have been thinking of you many times. Did you have your baby yet? How are you doing? Settled in your new place?

Don't knock yourself. This journey is not for the faint hearted. Sometimes we are better if the man we were with cant step up he the a sits down so we can see the man behind him.

At times I am seeing my STBX as he was before this Crisis in his life. This reminds me of the man I knew. I think I will always feel some form of heart connection with him. Whether that means we reconnect at some point in the future as a couple I don't know. All I do know is that I have to live my life and keep moving forward one step at a time. He will be paying me another 25 K of the 50 he still owes me next week. I sent him a reminder that I hadn't forgotten...lol. I said even if there is a point somewhere down the road that we were to get closer that is all a long way off and I need to look after my self and my future. Still no talk of Divorce though.

I have learned enough to know that with MLC the last reconnection is with the LBS. I know that he is on a journey he needs to complete and if I push him or pressure him he will remain in his MLC tunnel. I can tell he is moving back and forth as his behaviour is somewhat inconsistent. I don't want another ride on his rollercoster so I have to keep myself busy and filing my life. I am healthy and fit and I don't want to waste these years. If someone else comes along I am not closed to that option. Although at this point it would take someone pretty special to get my attention. Lol

Keep in touch Mom22 and V thanks for your comments too. Always happy to hear from you.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Hi Karma,

Im doing good all things considered. My baby was born 1.5w early but is doing well except for reflux issues. My DD is doing well too and she's taken the move and her new sister very well. Im very proud of her. Im very happy to be in my own place, I love it here. Though its hard to be on my own with a newborn itwas harder to live with him and his disrespectful and unpredictable behaviour.

My ExH is sometimes very helpful, sometimes a total d***. He has a new gf since 2mo (she was in our house when I was pregnant and after delivery they saw eachother daily whilr i was still living there at his request). He s already introduced her to our DD (I found out through her) though insists it was coincidence. She doesnt get this new person, she barely gets mom and dad are mot together anymore. She does well but this is not goodfor her.
Im scheduled with an American therapist to discuss strategies to keep him from doing harmful stuff to our DD.
He sees the baby a few hours a week (doesnt use most of the options I give him) and I ve decided not to give her to him for 2d a month at 3-4mo. I dont trust him with her (he s always on his phone, also when she cries) and I dont want this other person taking care of her either. if he wants time with her he s going to have to show me he really wants to and its safe.
I agree that one never knows whats in the future. We might het back together some day. He does have his good moments. But it would be very long term as I think it ll take years for him to accept he has problems. If ever.

Im really glad you are moving on so well, your life sounds good. You re very positive, thats good too. Im planning fun stuff too. I have friends over for visits and walk outside with my baby, enjoying the hustle and bustle of a big city again. My sister is coming for a weekend in August and we are planning a holiday abroad later in the year, me my kids and her and her boyfriend. I start working again in 7 weeks. I will be ok. Im just stressed about my exH's lack of inderstanding towards what he is doing to our DD. But well... We ll have to see what happens.

Take care Karma and keep us posted!


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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So glad to hear you and your baby girl are healthy. It must be hard being on your own. I totally understand what you are saying though. It's easier to live on your own in peace than to be walking on egg shells.

Your ex sounds like he is still in a confused place. I would also be wary leaving a new baby with him at this point. What woman would want a man who has a new born baby. I'd be running fast! Lol

It's a shame you have to return to work so quickly. New Mums here in Canada get a year off. I'm glad you have lots of support. It sounds like you have your head in the right place. It's not easy......

Keep in touch! Big hugs Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Just looking for an update Karma

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hi V

Not too much to report. STBX has been sending a few emails with help for my brother and his custody issues. STBX was on a business trip this week. He texted me from the plane. SD made the honour role at school so we were chatting about how proud we were.

STBX was travelling to the U.S. He had an anxiety attack trav losing there a few yrs ago when we were still together. He panicked when they wanted to question him at the border and I had to go and pick him up. He was a bit nervous on the plane when he texted me. I assured him he would get through ok and to just be himself going through customs. He said the plane was going to take off. I wished him a safe trip. The next morning I texted and said that no one from immigration called me to come get you so I'm assuming you made it? He texted back right away and said haha Ya I made it! Lol I said great! Now enjoy NY. He thanked me.

Other than those texts and a couple of emails we haven't had any contact for he last couple of days. He should be home now but will be going on another business trip in a week. I will be going to Mexico with SD and my D July 11. for a week.

I plan on staying back and being a friend. One that always looks good if he sees me lol but not expecting or asking for anything. I have lots coming up to keep me busy.

Thanks for checking in V. : )

Hugs
K


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Well I didn't have to wait too long for contact. STBX texted me at 330 am. He sent me a photo he had taken in NY of a cheesecake place. The name of it was the same as my D. She has a Scottish name that is not common in North America. I guess the Universe is sending him reminders of me and my family. Lol. It's strange but I knew it was a text from him when I heard the ping on my phone. I didn't reply until this afternoon. All I said back was " that's awesome. I'll forward it to D.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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You're doing great, Karma! Keep it up and have a great holiday with your SD.


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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Thanks Mom22 nice to know you are still around. I hope you know I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy.

My STBX sent an email tonight to help out my brother. I had stopped by the house to drop off a dress and floaty thing I had bought SD for our trip. STBX was thankful and was on his way out so we didn't get a chance to talk much.

I have one more set at work before our Vacation. Looking very much forward to getting away.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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You are the cheeeeeeese cake!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hahaha....thanks V. You are the best.

It appears STBX is seeing me as a friend. He messaged me today to tell me he had been successful in the first round of his legal case involving his Dad's Will. This of course had nothing to do with SD. He just wanted to share his news. I congratulated him and he texted back and forth for a bit telling me the details.

The weather here has been amazing. I have been busy with friends and family. My D bday was July 1. Plus working out as per usual lol.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Friendship is good, I really like that you describe it that way.

V


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Survived our wedding Anniversary. I know he wouldn't have even remembered. I spent it at work. Lol

Bought myself new shoes to cheer myself up. Took my dog for a run before work.
We've had a heatwave here with many forest fires starting all over our Province.

The air was hazy and it smells like campfires everywhere. Praying for all the firemen out there fighting the fires.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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I hope they were kick ass high heels in a snazzy colour.

With regard to the anniversary, if you are going to rebuild with WH then wouldn't you rather have a new memory?

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/09/15 12:35 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hey Karma...just wanted to drop a line in and let you know I'm starting to follow your sitch..really admire how long you've been doing this and how you're keeping a positive attitude, ill write more later but just saying hi!


ME: 28
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Karma, so Im still reading through all your threads...but I gotta ask..how...why...were you able to keep such a PMA and persevere through 2.5 years of H living with someone else? That is such a long time...of him living with someone. Im surprised you didnt throw in the towel.


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Yes i d like to know too. And havent you lost respect for him, with the way he treated your SD?


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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Are you ok lovely one?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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My eyes are wet with tears.......

Will they be joy?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi all....sorry for the long absence. I was away in Mexico for a week with my D and SD. Then my Son and his GF arrived from the UK. They are still here for another week and living our hot Summer!

Vanilla, thanks for sticking by me. I will read your thread and catch up.
Mom22....I am so happy to see you are still around. Hope you and your beautiful children are doing well.
TLEE86....thanks for posting!

Ok so I will catch you all up and answer the questions you have asked.

Mom22 and TLEE85. Having a PMA has gotten me through many a challenging time in my life. Does that mean I think what my STBX did is respectable and ok? H-ll no!

I do believe my STBX went through ( and still is going through) a MLC. He I now know was depressed and had dealt with a number of loses in his life. He was blaming me for his unhappiness and plugged into the first thing he thought would make him happy. Just because I can understand as a human being how messed up he was does not mean I think it was ok for him to treat me and his own D horribly in his quest to find himself. One day he is going to have to deal with the fall out of all the band choices he made.

The other woman it seems got tired of his non commitment and moved on. She is now apparently married! Lol I have to say at the time he was living with her I had much less contact with him and was in survivor mode. It was after they broke up and I say some of my old STBX that I missed that things got more complicated.

I have kept busy and maintained "GaL" No matter what life will move forward. We have to live for ourselves. Yes I still have feelings for my STBX. The more he is like his old self the harder it seems. If you read about MLC on the MLC forum it will make more sense. I told my STBX recently that he seemed more himself again. He laughed and said he was still unwinding. To me that means he is not all the way out the MLC tunnel yet. He is slowly reconnecting with his family. ( the wife is always last). His behavior is all,over the place. That means even more so I have to GAL and keep busy.

I have dated a little here and there. No one special yet. I am happy as long as I have things to do and people to see. Will we ever get back together again? It would depend how much he learned from this. I don't know if I would ever trust him again with my heart. I do though as a human feel for him. I know he's been pretty messed up.

I am not happy about how he has treated my SD. She only has one childhood. She will be 14 this year. She is very angry with him and he is going to get a well deserved earful one day. He will never get these years with her back. I believe he will have a lot of regrets one day.

At present we are still apart but on friendly terms. Neither of us has filed for divorce. if he hasn't heard from me in a few days he still comes up with silly excuses to message me. He is still searching and learning. I am staying back to protect myself. Who knows what the future holds.....I'm just moving forward...one day at a time.

Cheers,

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Well kudo's to you my dear. I mean I do understand my ex is having a MLC too and has issues w his untreated ADHD but I dont think I d ever take him back. He will always blame every thing bad on other people. I think when his girls tell him like it is one day he ll even manage to blame them for being 'unreasonable and insensitive'. Thats also why he can not be happy.
So again I truly admire you. You are an example. Some part of me wishes I had more faith like you.

Im doing fine. Exhausted, eapecially on the nights both my toddler and my baby wake up, but fine. I enjoy them both so much. I ve got them both for 11d in a row bc my ex is on a holiday w his new gf (my daughter cried bc she couldnt come). Im beat but also trying to make it a fun time for my DD by doing loads of fun stuff. I meet up w my friends (with baby bc she refuses bottle... Will be an issue when i go back to work in 2weeks) and generally have a splendid time. I really enjoy being in my own place and being able to see everyone and not being continuously treated like c**p. And I so much enjoy my kids!

Looking forward to hearing your updates!


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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Mom22 you sound so healthy and you are being a great role model for your babies. I was single with my four kids for about 15 yrs. I dated a bit when they were not with me but I didn't want someone else parenting them. I thought life was complicated enough! Lol I at that time kept busy with friends and enjoyed my kids. It is so hard to believe my kids are now all adults! The years really do go so fast.

My first H had anger issues. I never wanted to go back after we split up. I was emotionally done. So don't beat yourself up for knowing when enough is enough. This time around my present ex and I split at a time I was still very emotionally invested. I knew he was going through something but he was not treating me well at all and staying at that time would have been too stressful. I would never accept the same man back either. If there ever was a chance it would only be if he came to me taking responsibility for his part and showing some insight and growth.

At the present time I'm am staying back to protect myself. I had a long convo with my sons GF. They are visiting from the UK. She is just completing her Doctrine in Psychology. She told me he is sending me tons of mixed signals and it's no wonder this has been hard for me. She said he is lucky I have the insight to see what he has been going through. That does not though excuse his behavior or make his not treating me well ok.

He has an online profile on a dating site. He has described himself exactly in the way I used to say he wasn't! Lol He says he's active and balanced. I said to him I'm worried you aren't active and have no balance in your life. It says he balances work, friiends and family. He works all the time and has no life work balance. It caused problems for us when we were together and is causing problems still with SD. He says he's divorced. We are not divorced. Oh and he's motivated to have a great life and share it with someone special. He told me nothing I was doing in the last year of our marriage was working because he wasn't motivated. Lol I was always special and he is still attracted to me because I'm fit and pretty and have great values. But lack of motivation is a feelings killer. He is morphing himself into what I described to him was a healthy life! The only problem is this is not who he is or how he is really living his life. He sees what he should be doing and says that's what he is doing. I know about this because he is not being very smart about leaving things open when SD is around. She is at an age where she is snooping. She is very angry with him. She thinks he is a big fat liar. She wants him to pay attention to her and to stop trying to find new GFs. I know if he was giving her the attention she needs she would not feel this way and be more inclined to want to see him happy.

I am still not filing for divorce and I am just focusing on trying to live the best life I can. I have some sad days now and then like Mozza says on his thread things do get better. Who knows what the future holds....I'm open to whatever comes my way.

Hugs

karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Karma

Lovely to have you back. I am going to be tapping into your knowledge when I start dating.

I have never dated at all ever! All my Rs have really arisen from friendships.

So how did you overcome your resistance to going on dates?

Recently a friend invited me out for dinner, I said unsure until I am D. He wanted to introduce me to his brother (actually truly is a friend). He just said another time then. So I said OK.
I am going to need guidance, weight loss and new clothes.

On your xWH front, is that replay?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi V,

Lovely to hear from you as always.

I have decided to try dating again because I feel like my head is in the right place. I don't take dating too seriously and I don't jump in with both feet. I am just dipping my toe in the water and seeing how it goes. I honestly would be quite happy to find someone to see a couple times a week. I don't think I would want to live with someone again. I do enjoy having my own space too.

I have often had male friends through life but usually I haven't felt romantic towards them so it's never left the friend zone. It is a good way I'm told to evolve into a relationship.

My advice to you my dear V is to discover what it is that YOU want in life and what YOU enjoy and move towards that. For example I like to exercise so I do. I enjoy travel so I have made a personal goal to go on two trips a year. I'm always looking at what I may want to do next. Your personality is so brilliant V you will easily attract someone when the time is right. This has been a very difficult year for you. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit, start getting healthy to be the best you for you. Someone else will just be the icing then to the already lovely vanilla cake.

I do think my ex is in replay. I know he still has a road to go in his MLC. He is no longer angry, or depressed and he is reconnecting some with his family. I know I have to protect myself and think of myself too. It's easy to get pulled in when someone is sending mixed signals and you see more of the person you used to know. I need to remain at a safe distance. If things are meant to be they will be. If I meet someone else and end up moving on that that is the road my life is meant to go. I will always remain part of my SD life. I feel most for her. She deserves so much more from her Dad. These last few years of her childhood are important years. She needs a parent that is focused on her and not behaving like an adolescent.

I have the word strength tattooed on my ankle with a flower beside it. I got this tattoo when we were splitting up. I am strong and will be drawing on that strength to continue to stay back and move forward. I will update as I go.

Hugs,

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Thank you Karma, I find you peaceful and calm and an energising factor. There is something about your determination which is encouraging.

I would like a life partner, and I did not choose well with WH. I wish to be open but not vulnerable, if that makes sense?

My WH is unlike yours, no potential life partner. Abuse is too risky and not welcome, so I need to move on. I am unsure of the way, I am different to say Gg, I am no seductress (although I have high drive). I want a life partner and WH isn't he.

I would like if you will help me, to ask you to be my mentor?

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/04/15 12:43 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hi Karma,
You are doing so good and you are do calm and balanced! You can be so proud of yourself. You are an amazing person. Im so glad you have your children and a good social life bc you really deserve that!
You go girl! I ll be checking up on you. Hugs!!!


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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Awww thanks for the positive feedback friends.

V. I would be happy to mentor you. You are an amazing person and deserve the same in return. I have had to learn and read and learn and grow. Take the time you have now to learn about yourself. What it is you want out of life? Why is it you chose someone broken? ( I have made many men my project) Learning to recognise the red flags and not ignore them. Once you are in lust or love with someone or judgement is clouded. It's catching those red flags before you are emotionally attached.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. We just don't always understand what that reason is at the time. We learn and grow from every experince. Often the lesson will return to us until we have learned it. The only one I have control over is me. I stumble and go backwards sometimes we all do. We are often our own worst self critics. We have to be a friend to ourselves first. It's not being selfish to be self caring. With your good nature and fun personality you will have no problem finding someone to share your life with. Take your time and be choosy.

For now enjoy this period of growth as it is a stepping stone into your future. I believe if we just start living the life we want we will attract what we need. You know you are on the right path when things around you start falling into place. When there are too many road blocks it's time to stop and reevaluate.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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So my STBX texted me the other night. This always happens when I don't communicate with him for over a week. There was no reason for the text other than he was testing the waters. He said " sorry I'm just getting back to you. ( he didn't need to get back to me lol) I've been busy working on my court case. Going up aganist my SM again soon. I'm out right now for dinner with SD. She liked the change purse she was given. Thanks for dropping off her passport."
Normally I would have texted back and probably asked about the court case ect. This time I did not text back. That was two days ago. I did text today to ask if SD can come over tomorrow to see my son before he returns to the UK. I only asked about SD and made no comments about his text. It feels good to feel empowered.

I have a new man messaging me from the online dating site. We haven't met yet and probably won't for another 10 days or so as he is leaving for vacation. So far so good with our chats. He seems to quite like me. Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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So yesterday I took SD for the day. We had an awesome time spending time with my family. I had bought some new clothes for SD. When STBX saw them he said You bought something for SD but not for me?" I looked at him and said my days of buying for you are over. It was tongue in cheek but he got my point. Lol I have noticed because I am more distant he is making more effort to try and engage me. This was actually peeving me off because he is sending out mixed signals and it's not ok. I was friendly but not overly and did not allow him to try and have his cake and eat it too. He is behaving far too comfortable and familiar with me when he is the one that wants to be on his own. I think he's aware that there has been a shift somewhere in me. I expect there will be another attempt to text in the near future.

Meanwhile I have been working out as per usual. Had an awesome time visiting with my son while he was visiting from the UK. I will be going over to see him in a month so I have lots to look forward too.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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So you will be on UK Terra Firma?

What are your plans? Do tell I love a good plan!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey V...gotta love you. I will be leaving on Sept 8 for the UK...there for three days the Nice France for Five days then back to the UK ( Glasgow ) until the 23rd. Looking forward to traveling and having a break from work.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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You will not believe this but I am in Glasgow for an annual conference I go to, at the same time! It's unbelievable, the five links thing.

How crazy coincidence. I suggest we both stand in our respective rooms at a set time and toast the sky either sunset or sunrise.

Have you been to Edinburgh, which is a very short train ride away, I have some amazing recommendations there. You have to have Haggis, Neeps and whiskey gravy, or Scottish smoked salmon or beef or...............

Maybe you already have had.

Love it, love it,............

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Oh wow V! Lol

I have been to Edinburgh at least four times. Lol My son is presently working there. He takes the train there every day. I was born in Glasgow and my family moved to Canada when I was just four. I have lots of family still over there and have been back a number of times to visit. I will be going there more so as my Son has his GF over there and too good a job to leave. His GFs Ma lives in the highlands ( I've never been up there yet) so we will be having a weekend up there as well. I will be in Europe for two weeks including our side trip to France. I will most definetly be tipping a glass in your honour. We will share a special bonding moment!


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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The date is getting closer!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi V....

Yes it is and I am getting excited.

I am away this weekend in Whistler with SD. We are having a quick girls get away before she goes back to school.

Funny how things change when you aren't as attached to the out come. STBX has been working on his law suit with his Dad's Will. He seems to be now dealing with some of the emotions he buried when his Dad passed. When I went by to pick up SD he was talking to me about the case and he was teary when I was telling him things I had remembered. I find we are very comfortable around each other and to see us talk together you would never know we had a problem. I have noticed too he will worry if he thinks I may be mad if he takes to long to reply to a text and will explain himself. He tells me all about what he's doing with his case and wants me to read all his documents and tell him what I think. Interesting that he is sharing so much and trusting me with a lot of information. I'm just being myself and being friendly when I see him while continuing on with my own life. He sure seems to be following what they say on the MLC forum though.

I will pop onto your thread V and see how you are too. Thanks for checking in.

Hugs,
Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Posts: 8,855
V
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If STBX is working on his issues with his dad, I think that's a good sign he is growing up, a tiny weeny little bit!

The concern about you being cross, could be genuine? Was that ever an issue?

Can that be handled with humour perhaps, a jokey whimsy, something frippery and frivolous.

I just loooooove girlie giggles, what a pleasure to splash and spoil. I wish we could go giggly when you come to the UK.

Tons of hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
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Hi V,

I do have a good sense of humor and a Scottish quick wit. My STBX was so emotionally shut down before we split that I could have screamed like a banshee and he would not have noticed or cared. It is only now or recently that I am noticing he seems to care (at least to some degree) what I think of him.

I don't think I realized how much his Dad dying affected him. He seemed so detached from his passing and I thought at the time that he had not mourned and just went on as normal. Now it seems he just stuffed all his feelings down so he didn't have to deal with them. He was asking me questions about different events before his Dad passed. STBX does not have a good memory while I have the memory of an Elephant. STBX remarked at how he was amazed at the detail I could remember. It also I think reminded him of our life when we were together. Not just the rewritten past....he chose to remember. SD noticed that her D had brought up the fact that I was one of the few people who could read his hand writing. Lol .

I am glad he is seeming to be closer to the end of the MLC tunnel. Who knows if he will grow enough for me but any growth will be better for him and SD.

Big Hugs

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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Offline
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V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
At 10 tomorrow night I shall be toasting you with a glass of bubbly

Cheers Karma, enjoy Scotland

V

BTW I can teach you the full mastery of screaming banshee and the five key techniques

Last edited by Vanilla; 09/16/15 08:26 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 92
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Posts: 92
Hi there! Hope you are well. How was Glasgow?


Me: 36
Him: 36
DD: 3y
DD2: 1.5mo
Together: 5y
Married: > 3y
D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
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