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Last edited by Cadet; 04/20/15 03:03 PM. Reason: Links

Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
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Karma12 Offline OP
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Hey sorry I haven't been on here for a bit. I did get the 25k from my ex. Whew! Booked a week away in July in Mexico for my SD, D and I.

Sooooo the Fireman and I weren't seeing each other for a couple weeks. The last date that I had in the beginning of March felt kinda awkward. When we talked about it over text later he said he felt like I wasn't in to him. He wondered if there was not enough chemistry. I told him I had felt the same and thought that our dates had been to far apart. I would just start warming up and then he wasn't available for work, sickness ect. I also told him I felt like maybe we were mirroring each other's fears.

Anyway fast forward three weeks and he messaged me. He said he had been thinking a lot about me. He said he thought I may be right and we were mirroring each other. He asked me if I was willing to give dating him another shot. I was surprised ( in a good way) to hear from him. I had been missing his daily text messages. I was glad he had thought about what I had said and reflected. So we set a date for yesterday.

We had been in contact again for three days before our date. He was being more open and more flirty which was making me more open and more flirty back. When he came yesterday we had made plans to meet at my place then go for dinner. He gave me a hug and quick kiss when he came in. You could tell the energy around us was different. We chatted a bit more and then started kissing mid sentence! Hahaha. We kissed for a few mins and then chatted a bit before leaving for dinner. The restaurant was walking distance from my place. We held hands and continued to hold hands over dinner.

After dinner we came back here and we talked, kissed and cuddled for about an hour. He left at 830 as he was getting tired after his nightshift and I was starting my first day today.

He texted me when he knew I would have gotten home from work and we chatted back and forth for a bit so so far so good. This was a huge step for me. He was good not to bust any major moves but it sure was nice to be kissed, really kissed again. Lol It's been a looooong time.

Worst case I had a really nice night with a very handsome man. I certainly felt the chemistry increase, hopefully he did too. I'm just going to let him do the pursuing.

I finally feel free from any emotional bonds from my ex. It's quite liberating. He's due to pay me the next 25k soon.

How are you doing Mum22. I was thinking about you the other day. Vanilla I will have to catch up on your thread. Thanks for checking in on me. 😘


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
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Very interesting update! Honestly, it's very hard to know what to make of it. There's a section of DR explaining that friendly advice is often anti-relationship because our friends want the shortcut to what's best for us, so they suggest to bail on anything that is short of perfect. I have that in mind as I reflect on your recent dating (and I'm concerned that your overreacting friend will read the worst in date #6!).

I'm under the impression that your fireman is mostly clumsy. We're all afraid of rejection, so we go out of our way to avoid it. Perhaps you said something that gave him the wrong impression, perhaps a friend suggested to slow down so as not to scare you, perhaps, perhaps... But I can hardly imagine he's not that into you and yet keeps on coming back, holding your hand and kissing you. Careful not to fall into the mirroring trap again.

As for the not suggesting any activity, I don't see it as a dating problem, but perhaps something he's not very good at in life in general. It's long been my problem and I much prefer being organized that organizing an activity. It's part of the Nice Guy script: we're afraid of not conforming to expectations, so we go along with everyone else's choices. We feel like our preferences are not really worthy. Perhaps this guy really likes monster trucks, but won't tell you because it's more important for him to please you. The problem is that this over-adaptation is not very attractive in the long run. Just a thought.

I understand that the dance of dating is full of things unsaid. Still, a good part of me wonders why you two can't quite just say what's on your mind at this stage. You've kissed passionately already, so in my inexperienced mind, the worst is behind you and you know the attraction is mutual.

I hope there will be a date #7. I recently sent LisaB to year thread as she's also facing the dating scene from the woman's perspective. You might also want to look her up and share your experience.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Posts: 557
Last posts from my last thread....Its about to lock


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Hi Karma, interesting to read your stories about the dates with Mr. Fireman. He sounds sweet, if maybe a little passive. I think that is partly what is causing your difficulties. He is a bit passive and you are more direct and so he's kind of just leaving things up to you to "lead" and tell him what you want.

That's nice but it would also drive me crazy.

I'm glad you could be open with him and tell him that you felt distant and that he could think about what you said and react.

Dating is so difficult, knowing when to say something, when to show you are interested, when to back off and let him pursue. Especially confusing in these first stages where you don't know each other. I'll be watching your story! I'm excited for you.

Also very nice to read that you feel free from the emotional bonds with your exH. So liberating not to feel that struggle and sadness.

Have a great day!
Hugs, Lisa

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Hi Lisa, thx for chiming in. I hadn't heard from him at all in 48 hrs so I sent him this. I will post his reply and mine


Hi

I'm sending you a note here as it is easier than a looooong text.

I'm feeling a little confused so rather than keeping it in my head or making choices without asking I thought I'd share what I'm thinking/feeling.

If you read back over our messages here and our text messages following we seemed happy to have reconnected and excited to see each other again. You flirted and I flirted back and it was fun. I appreciated that we had been able to share some of how we both had been feeling. We agreed we both wanted to try dating again and we made a date.

I noted before the date you were texting very frequently and although you had always been friendly I was enjoying the new flirty banter. It was fun and made me smile. It also created for me some of the chemistry I had been waiting to feel.

Date #5 came and I was happy to see you. This was when we shared our first real kiss and it felt really good. I thought yep there is chemistry and something to build on. After finally having some physical closeness and it feeling good I was glad we had reconnected.

The week following we continued to text but I did notice that the flirty banter wasn't there. Even when I attempted to create it a couple of times. I thought maybe you were just comfortable with me now? Then we had date #6 and I felt at first we had taken another step backwards. Although you were friendly there was no romantic gestures. A quick kiss hello. This I found confusing since we had been closer on our last date. We held hands going to Sammjs but not in Whiterock. As the date progressed I actually was thinking that maybe you weren't attracted to me after all. I decided to just enjoy the evening with you and not worry about it.

When we got home I was actually surprised you agreed to come up. I was even more surprised when you took my hand and held it. Then a more romantic kiss goodbye.

So what I am saying in my long winded attempt is I feel like I am getting mixed signals from you. I feel like you are running hot and cold with me and I don't really know why. Am I one of many? Are you confused? Or am I way off base?

From my perspective I have been happy to meet someone (you) that is in my age group that is attractive, has a real job! Lol does not have little kids and likes to work out. We have just scratched the surface of getting to know each other. I'd like to know you.

. If there are other things or places you would like to go on a date I am open to it. If there are things you want to know about me ask. If the convo we are having is not interesting to you take the lead and change it. If you want to kiss me....kiss me!

I do have a full busy and happy life. I like workout, hangout with friends and family doing many different things. I am very involved in my career. I have made time for you because I like you and do want to get to know you. I'm only dating you. It's not my style to poly date.

I hope you don't mind my sharing my feelings. We have known each other for a few months now. I felt I should be comfortable sharing.

Hugs


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
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Hey .. I've been thinking about where this is going and for me I'm still not feeling the hole chemistry connection I've been give it sometime but it's not there . You are a awesome person and fun to be and I don't want to lead you on thinking everything is great and nothing wrong . You will have no problem finding mr. Write for you . Sorry if I wasted your time I wish you nothing but happiness .., Cheers


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Hey,

Well I'm sorry to hear that. I wasn't feeling instant chemistry either but did feel it when we kissed. Enough at least that I thought we had something that would grow. I definitely felt a wall up last time though and this time I knew it wasn't me. I wasn't being guarded. You asked me to try and I was committed to giving it a shot. I had assumed we would have started where we had left off on our last date.

I'm used to being pursued and men making an effort to impress me on a date. You seemed really keen at the beginning and then you weren't and then you were and then you weren't. This has been a very odd experience for me. Even when we first started chatting online you said lets meet and then disappeared for two weeks. Then messaged again and said sorry let's meet. I laughed it off at the time but it has been a pattern now since our first chats. I honestly was wondering if you were emotionally unavailable or commitment phobic.

I don't feel you wasted my time as seeing you and chatting with you was a choice I made. What I would have appreciated was more honesty. I do not appreciate being left wondering. I don't appreciate the mixed signals and hot and cold behaviour. I am a big girl and will not be heartbroken if the Chemistry is not there for you. I know if I hadn't asked that we would have continued texting ( in a friendly manner) with me wondering when the next date will be and what's up. In my opinion- that's not fair. I was being honest, I made an effort to look nice and make you feel comfortable with me. I deserve and expect the same in return.

Cheers,


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
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Posts: 557
So my intuition tells me he does have some kind of fear of relationships. He told me his Mother was abusive towards him and his siblings. Throwing him down the stairs as a child and stabbing his brother in the back. He hasn't seen or spoken to her in over 30 yrs. He was married once for seven years and was cheated on. I have a sense he has trouble letting a woman get close.

I'm disappointed but glad to not continue with someone that truely does not know what they want. Plus I really felt that for a nice looking guy he did not have a clue about dating 101. I know we are more casual over here on the west coast but he wore jeans, runners, a tee shirt with a hoodie on all six dates! He never once offered to pay and his spelling as you can see is atrocious. Lol

Oh Well back to the drawing board. Lol At least it did get me out there and I know I can feel attracted to someone other than my ex. Mozza can't wait to see what you say now! Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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I'm mildly surprised. My main theory was still that he was clumsy. What you're saying about his clothing would be another clue, especially if he showed up like this on the first date when his level of interest should be at least high. My other idea, today, was that he was nervous about getting into bed with you. Reading Models made me realize that guys can have issues at any step of the dating process. For me, the biggest hurdle is the initial contact, but for some it's the conversation after, the physical touch, asking for the phone number, the first kiss, inviting home, getting frisky, etc. I thought he might be getting nervous knowing that the next date might end up in bed. Performance anxiety? Fear of letting you down and being dumped? To me, these options were all on the table.

Then again, he did send mixed signals and his withdrawal is not totally a surprise. I'm very happy that you took the time to be very direct with him and it gave you the answer you needed at this stage.

I think you've been a little hard on him in your last message. I'm not sure he lead you on. These feelings are hard to identify and he might still have been working on them. For instance, at the previous date maybe he kissed you to see if it would awaken something in him, the way that it did for you. At the next date, he might have been giving it one last go, and then in the days after, he might have been pondering. Your email might have been what made him make a decision. Should I receive an email like this, it would make me even more nervous about dating because there are already tons of unspoken rules and now I'd feel like I missed more of them and I should very quickly know if I'm into a girl or not and then let her know.

Also, I'm sure you know that you will "waste" a lot of time in dating. Not everyone will be able to tell you on sight that they are not interested. You seem attractive so some people might want to give it a go. Feelings will not always be clear after a couple of dates. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the process itself without having too much expectations. You seem to be moving on fairly well, under the circumstances.

I can't wait to see what impact it has on your perception of STBX. wink


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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