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Originally Posted By: Smothy
DB coach session today! I need to learn how to be dark and stay dark. Still obsessing what he is doing on a daily basis though.


Sorry - absolutely no help to your situation - but you organised a DB coaching session from abroad??

I am a newbie here - so happy to be overruled here, but I only succeeded in going dark when i FORCED myself. I was fighting myself, my head knew i had to, my heart didn't want to. Eventually there was a terse round of texting with my W, finally abusive on my behalf and she threatend a restraint order. This would not put me in a better position at all. You might not have this but still try FORCING it even for a little while and then it gets easier each time. The benefits are astounding and it the best part for me is that my fears were laid to rest. I didn't lose any love for my W or the M by pushing it out of my head. In fact it made me better able to see it, without so much anger. That said it aint over in one go, the urge to call, test. email, just tell her this or that - it comes back again and again and again.... But each time it is a little easier

Last edited by Pyrite; 04/15/15 04:23 AM.

M: 6 T: 12
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Smothy,

This is the toughest thing ever going Dark. But it's the best thing in the long run. Don't be too tough on yourself, you'll backslide but that's part of the process.

My 'darkness' was imposed by WW as she left w/o me knowing about OM so she tried to shut me out totally. I think her plan was to keep it secret for a month or so and then magically 'start' dating him. It backfired on her, but regardless she had NC with me since the beginning.

So, if your like me it will make things worse initially, but then slowly it will get better and your emotions will be much more in control. For me, now WW is the one that is all over the place emotionally. Just last Friday she blew up at me on taxes in front of D4. I heard that D4 was telling someone "Mommy was yelling at Daddy, but Daddy was talking real softly to me and mommy..."

Controlling our emotions is step one in preparing for the marathon, Hang in there....


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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hey MCS,

thought i'd just read this somewhere. i just posted on an example of exactly this. The past two weeks I have gone dark-er on her. Intuitively, one might expect that now she is finally left alone, completely, she should be happy right. But she is twice as angry, and crazy. AND going dark has certainly helped me calm down. It almost feels, NO it really does feel like, she is pushing me to get a rise out of me - but I am not biting. In between I feel I am able to do some good communicating as well - so it is good all around.

I think she is angry because she is running out of scape goats and has to face herself, her guilt, etc.


M: 6 T: 12
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Smothy Offline OP
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Thank you for all your replies, I haven't replied because I thought no one was reading my thread and then Looked at it today to see these.

I am feeling quite low this weekend. Update from last week.

FT with son last Sunday and spoke to H briefly. Tried to be light and breezy but was not very good. Ended up asking him if he is dating he said no and has not been in contact with OW.

He asked me and I said no and he said he doesn't care anymore as he over that now. WHY oh why do I ask these questions that does not help me!

He told me he has applied for the next stage of the divorce. This Thursday, I received a breakdown of our joint finances and what I need to pay suggestions. H asked me about my thoughts on it. Thinking of a reply.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Zues, I have spent the last few days reading your situation and tried to PM you. My H has said that I was emotionally abusive to him through out our M and a lot of what you said resonated with me.

I didn't understand what H meant about being scared of me until I read your comment on Pyrite's post about how the WAS feels.

I lot of your self reflection has helped me a lot. Thank you.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
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Pyrite, yes I have organised the DB coaching from abroad. Still waiting for the books to arrive though! No sign of them.

I am having Skype IC sessions too which is helping me to understand me.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Smothy, thank you. It's really nice to hear that for so many reasons. One, I'm really glad you were able to get even an ounce of relief or understanding out of it. Two, it's cool to think that I am not the same person I was a year ago. And lastly, it gives one hope to think that someone may find some value in me someday.

That ties in to your conversation with H about whether he was dating. I just wrote a post today on LisaB's thread about part of me wanting my STBX to regret her decision someday. How her being regretful would somehow make me feel like I'm a better person than if she remained relieved to be separated from me for life. As you'll see in my post it was good to work through those thoughts.

POINT IS- your asking may not be because you still NEED him, it might just be because it hurts to feel that rejection. They say even WAS's sometimes feel rejected when their LBS moves on and starts dating. Just goes to show, even if you don't want to R it can still sting. So your asking may not be because you haven't started to accept your life without him, but just a natural hang up based on old feelings of rejection. In other words, you might be farther down the path than you think. Cut yourself some slack smile

I don't know how to check PMs, and the times I've tried to send them it says it was blocked or something. Are PM's possible on these forums? I don't use them often but if someone is trying to talk to me I'd like to know how to respond. Let me know.

Do you think you were emotionally abusive? What do you think triggered it? How DID you treat him when you were at your worst?

Sometimes when I'm down I like to do something that will make me feel like I'm taking steps to change. I can't turn back the clock but at least I can take one more step towards a potentially brighter future. Hang in there and thanks for continuing to post.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
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When H had his EA in 2011, it was an AHa moment for me, I went into IC because he said I was controlling and always angry. I knew I was angry but never saw my behaviour as controlling but rather doing 'what I thought was best for the family'.


Here are some examples I gave to my IC as example of my abusive behaviour.

Shout at him in public, this is a big thing for H as he hates any sort of confrontation and he said I when 'I had a go at him', I would not consider where I was and do it anyway.

H felt what he said never counted in out relationship and it was what I wanted, and he would just go along to keep the peace.

I was controlling of him and everything at home, I must admit I micromanaged everything. He felt that if he did something I didn't approve of he would 'get it', me having a go at him.

I belittled him and call him names, at one point I asked him to grow some balls and deal with his son. I have also called him pathetic.

I was angry and aggressive towards him, when ever we have an argument, there has been a few times where I have pushed him and it became physical.

My anger is the one thing he keeps referring too, as I would blow up at the slightest thing, this is one area that I have made a big improvement on.

H told me because of my behaviour, he was always walking on egg shells waiting for me to 'blow up again'. H says it was always him that took the tension out of situations to make it better again.

He said that if I loved him how could I of done all these things. He said I didn't care how I made him feel.

The truth is I do care how he felt and feels, this is one of the reason I am so keen to find the reasons and improve myself.

H says that I was a strong character and he can not live with me anymore like this. These behaviours have changed significantly in the last 2 years after his EA.

H said that I was only looking to change because I was scared of losing him but not before when he was willing to put up with it. I agreed with him that the was one of the motivating factors, but H sees this as a negative not a positive.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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The trigger, on reflection and discussion with my IC was fear of not being good enough and fear of abandonment.

I did not treat him well at all.

Zues, that's why your post about how scared the WAS felt caused my heart to really hammer in my chest. For the first time, I knew he was doing something for himself and despite me desperately wanting our M, I know this is his first step in H finding himself.

I hope that in time we will both find our way back together.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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First off good job writing that up without voicing any of H's faults or making excuses. That's not easy to do.

You said you have changed much of this in the last two years. Would he agree with that?

Sometimes making these changes is another form of control if it's being done to stop someone from leaving. It's not always black and white, but it's possible given your history that's how he interpreted it.

Also, how were you able to just stop behaving that way? Usually it's not as easy as just deciding not to do it anymore, there are generally reasons we do these things. For me it was that I thought I was undeserving of love, and if I allowed my STBX to be her own person she would stop loving me and leave me. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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