Hey sorry I haven't been on here for a bit. I did get the 25k from my ex. Whew! Booked a week away in July in Mexico for my SD, D and I.
Sooooo the Fireman and I weren't seeing each other for a couple weeks. The last date that I had in the beginning of March felt kinda awkward. When we talked about it over text later he said he felt like I wasn't in to him. He wondered if there was not enough chemistry. I told him I had felt the same and thought that our dates had been to far apart. I would just start warming up and then he wasn't available for work, sickness ect. I also told him I felt like maybe we were mirroring each other's fears.
Anyway fast forward three weeks and he messaged me. He said he had been thinking a lot about me. He said he thought I may be right and we were mirroring each other. He asked me if I was willing to give dating him another shot. I was surprised ( in a good way) to hear from him. I had been missing his daily text messages. I was glad he had thought about what I had said and reflected. So we set a date for yesterday.
We had been in contact again for three days before our date. He was being more open and more flirty which was making me more open and more flirty back. When he came yesterday we had made plans to meet at my place then go for dinner. He gave me a hug and quick kiss when he came in. You could tell the energy around us was different. We chatted a bit more and then started kissing mid sentence! Hahaha. We kissed for a few mins and then chatted a bit before leaving for dinner. The restaurant was walking distance from my place. We held hands and continued to hold hands over dinner.
After dinner we came back here and we talked, kissed and cuddled for about an hour. He left at 830 as he was getting tired after his nightshift and I was starting my first day today.
He texted me when he knew I would have gotten home from work and we chatted back and forth for a bit so so far so good. This was a huge step for me. He was good not to bust any major moves but it sure was nice to be kissed, really kissed again. Lol It's been a looooong time.
Worst case I had a really nice night with a very handsome man. I certainly felt the chemistry increase, hopefully he did too. I'm just going to let him do the pursuing.
I finally feel free from any emotional bonds from my ex. It's quite liberating. He's due to pay me the next 25k soon.
How are you doing Mum22. I was thinking about you the other day. Vanilla I will have to catch up on your thread. Thanks for checking in on me. 😘
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Sorry Mozza, I missed your comment. Give me your male opinion
Haha! Well, I'm quite the dating specialist around here now that I'm on the market and I've read the book. My instant diagnosis on your fireman is that he's clueless about dating! He's a really Nice Guy very afraid to show his desire and be rejected. I'm not just talking about sex, but his general desire to be with you. He goes out of his way to take things veeeery slowly, especially out of respect for you. It's fine in general, but I wonder if he uses it as an excuse to justify his extreme carefulness. Interesting that he chose a career where people will very clearly and loudly request him when they need him, no ambiguity.
What he seems to miss is that the role of men in flirting is to move things along and the role of the women is to send the signals of whether they are willing to go to the next step. He doesn't lead all that much, as this mirroring problem shows. That being said, don't forget that your role is to show him that the path is cleared for the next step, whatever that is at this stage.
By the way, I think you should totally go for him. I'm telling you all this to explain why he might be clumsy in his interactions with you. If anything, he doesn't sound like a player at all. Just be understanding with the poor chap who's in an unfamiliar environment. And avoid your friends who over-read in the slightest texting delay.
Hope that helps!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes Cadet. Good point. I'll reread it. Mozza thanks for the advice. Lol I agree with a lot of what you said. I feel like a friggin 52 yr old teenager haha
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi Karma, Glad to hear from you! Your last few weeks sound very good, which makes my heart happy. He sounds like a decent guy. Funny how much more you look at that after you re deceived. Im glad you got your first 25k too! When ste you going to Mexico? How is your SD doing? I hope you will continue to post any progress here. My sister from Glasgow was over last 3 days, so I thought of you a lot. My DD had an amazing time with her, we all stayed at my moms place. Ive gotten my appartment keys and had quite some help painting but have a lot to do myself as there's so much woodwork. My back is totally killing me but I have to get things ready before delivery so i csn move in smoothly afterwards. Keep in touch! Its good to hear positive stories. Hug.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
So great to hear from you. You must be getting close to your due date? Glad you were able to visit with your sister from Bonnie Scotland! Lol You will feel so much better once you are settled in your new place. I know I did. My Condo ( flat, apartment ) is my place of Solace. I decorated it the way I wanted and it is so me. Haha.
So to update you all. My Step daughter is doing well. I had her over for dinner this week. Her Dad's latest fling has moved to the otherwise of the country for a job. I wonder how the no expectations relationship felt when the no expectations went both ways! Lol He came up to my place when he picked up my SD. I hadn't seen him in many weeks. He made a point of hugging me hello and goodbye. I looked at him as someone I used to know. Strange how time does heal. I rarely contact him at all anymore. I try and arrange visits with my SD directly.
I'm planning two trips. Mexico in July for a week with SD and my daughter. My Son is coming out in late July from the UK for two weeks. Then in Sept I will be going to Scotland to see him and we will take a four day side trip. It keeps changing but looking like Portugal now.
I went on another date with my Fireman this week. This was date #6 and in honesty I'm not sure what to make of it. Mozza I'm sure I'm going to be hearing from you about this. Lol As you may recall Date 5 he finally kissed me. The week following he texted me pretty much every day. The difference I noticed though as he was being very friendly but less flirty. Because we both are shift workers planning a date takes some planning. I noticed we both had two days off together and said to him in a text " hey I'm planning my days off. We share two this week Wed and Thurs. Do you want to get together? " He said " Yup. For sure" I said " ok what day works best?" Let me know soon as my friends are wanting to see me too" he said How about Thursday?" I said " yep that works" So then I thought to myself. Well he's texting everyday and wants to see me so I will see what he's like on this date.
I have noticed that he will commit to a date but he never has a plan. He asked me what time worked but left it up to me to decide what to do. I'm not used to this especially in the early part of a relationship. Most men I've dated have a plan for the date. It was a beautiful Sunny day and I live close to the beach so I suggested going to the beach and choosing a place to have dinner then maybe a movie here. He said that sounded great.
So he came over and came up to my place before we left for dinner. He gave me a hug and a friendly but not passionate kiss. I found this odd since he had kissed me very passionately on our last date. My experience has been most men want to continue where the last date ended. We went to the beach in his car and we walked up and down so he could have a look at the choices of places to eat. He walked beside me but didn't hold my hand.( This also felt odd since he had held my hand on the last date.) we finally settled on a place and sat chatting for 2.5 hours while we enjoyed our meal with an Ocean view.
On the way home I had resigned myself to thinking this has gone backwards and he is either emotionally available or he's just not in to me. When we arrived at my place it was 940pm and I had to work in the am. I asked him if he was coming up. ( because we had said maybe a movie) fully expecting him to say he had to go and it was late. Nope he said yes he'd come up for a bit.
I suggested a movie and we sat together on my couch. Ten minutes in he grabbed my hand and held it. I thought WTFudge?! i felt like I was getting really mixed signals. I decided to just enjoy the moment and we enjoyed watching a funny movie holding hands. Lol
Once it was time for him to go I walked him down so I could take my dog out. He kissed me goodbye first the same kind of friendly kiss, then another kiss then another longer third kiss. I was feeling totally confused.
After he left I thought to myself that he may be commitment phobic or maybe emotionally unavailable. His behavior had me quite baffled. I decided that these are his issues and I am going to take a step back and leave him to figure out what he wants. If he texts I will reply and if he wants to see me I will if he asks but I will not initiate. He did text me the next day ( yesterday) while I was at work and said I hope you are having a great day at work. I replied a while later and kept it friendly but brief.
Today I haven't heard from him at all and I did not text. I know if I did he would reply but I'm not going to. To me he needs to put more effort in and not leave the plans to me. If he wants me he knows how to reach me. I have lots of things going on to keep me busy. To me my life is just fine and seeing him would be the icing on the cake but the cake is fine too all on its own. Lol
The old me would have made him my project. I would have knowing his childhood issues have tried to fix him. Not anymore.....
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Very interesting update! Honestly, it's very hard to know what to make of it. There's a section of DR explaining that friendly advice is often anti-relationship because our friends want the shortcut to what's best for us, so they suggest to bail on anything that is short of perfect. I have that in mind as I reflect on your recent dating (and I'm concerned that your overreacting friend will read the worst in date #6!).
I'm under the impression that your fireman is mostly clumsy. We're all afraid of rejection, so we go out of our way to avoid it. Perhaps you said something that gave him the wrong impression, perhaps a friend suggested to slow down so as not to scare you, perhaps, perhaps... But I can hardly imagine he's not that into you and yet keeps on coming back, holding your hand and kissing you. Careful not to fall into the mirroring trap again.
As for the not suggesting any activity, I don't see it as a dating problem, but perhaps something he's not very good at in life in general. It's long been my problem and I much prefer being organized that organizing an activity. It's part of the Nice Guy script: we're afraid of not conforming to expectations, so we go along with everyone else's choices. We feel like our preferences are not really worthy. Perhaps this guy really likes monster trucks, but won't tell you because it's more important for him to please you. The problem is that this over-adaptation is not very attractive in the long run. Just a thought.
I understand that the dance of dating is full of things unsaid. Still, a good part of me wonders why you two can't quite just say what's on your mind at this stage. You've kissed passionately already, so in my inexperienced mind, the worst is behind you and you know the attraction is mutual.
I hope there will be a date #7. I recently sent LisaB to year thread as she's also facing the dating scene from the woman's perspective. You might also want to look her up and share your experience.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
