WAS asked for divorce today.

[aNewGuy]

And if that's not enough, a different woman from work just asked me to be her date tonight for a small concert here in town.

I would enjoy it I'm sure, but then my wife would have ammo for leaving me that she really didn't have before.

[Cadet]

Yes DB'ing is counter intuitive, and most of the time backwards logic works very well.

So maybe the problem is that she knows you dont want a divorce.

There are no guarantees here and nothing is going to work quickly.

[aNewGuy]

Wish all of this were easier to go through. I just wish my wife would get her head out of the clouds and come home!

[aNewGuy]

Right, Cadet. It is counterintuitive for sure. I'd liken it to "Fake it till you make it". Its hard to exude the needed confidence at all times when going through a breakup. I know there are no guarantees, but the laughter we had and the love we shared seems to me like one day she is going to miss that a whole lot. True love is hard to find.

[aNewGuy]

Not sure if that's the problem or not. I guess I just can't make myself lie and say I do want a divorce. I feel like its a situation of darned if I do and darned if I don't!

[RealMe]

Cadet is so right about the counter-intuitive nature of this. But you have to think where a lot of our natural reactions come from- the emotions we act on when we're 'hurt'.

They may be natural, but they are unproductive.

When we learn to control those reactions, or at least successfully fake that we have control over them the affect is amazing.

Keep your head up.

[aNewGuy]

Still considering being a date for that coworker tonight. I *had* other plans - was supposed to have a few friends over for a fire and then my firewood delivery got cancelled. So now no fire and no other plans.

There will be others around so why not? Of course, I know why not - I'm still a married man and two wrongs don't make a right!

[pilot]

aNewGuy...

Yea, you are definitely not ready to co-mingle with members of the opposite sex. Politely decline but jokingly suggest she keep you in mind for future events. No point in burning bridges right?

As for FB...dealers choice on that one. You are right, fb means a lot more to a 26 year old than it does to a 39 year old. I am 41 and my W is 31. So we share some similarities in the age/culture differences you and I. What I did when my S started is I blocked her from my FB. I was not a heavy fb user like she was, but I did post kid pictures and pictures when we went places. I occasionally kept up with old friends as well. I blocked her and never once looked at her page again. Its been almost a year. In fact, I actually deactivated my fb account in December. I dont miss it. I do not know what state you are in or what D laws are, but there could be an advantage to keeping access to her fb page if she is one to post party pictures, or drinking pictures, or even OM pictures. Just food for thought.

I get where you are coming from with the belief that one day she will miss the good times. And if you had a decent marriage most of the time, then yea, she most likely will. But it wont happen any time soon so that line of thinking is pointless. Spend your mental energy on improving you and GAL activities.

And Cadet is right, maybe she knows you do not want a divorce and feels secure in her actions. But be careful about using D as a tool because it can backfire on you, or force you to put the D into motion before it really has to.

Keep your chin up buddy. It gets easier with each passing day.

[25yearsmlc]

I keep wondering if I should un-friend her on Facebook. I know that sounds a bit trivial, but to many 26 year olds it is significant.

its both trivial AND significant and punitive. If your goal is a better relationship with her, unfriending her is NOT going to help.

Stop looking at FB if it bothers you. Don't give it so much power over your life. You're a grown man and no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to follow her posts and "likes". I thought you noting the difference in her age group ("to a 26 year old, it's significant") makes you sound as if you want to hurt her.

Regardless of why, I have to ask, to what end?

Why "announce" anything by un-friending her.? Sorry, but I see it as the act of a small man. (No offense, but you are better than that).

Because much as I do love her, she is wayward and is divorcing me.


And therefore, what? You can dismiss her, label her and ignore the marital issues you once admitted, or just punish her b/c after all, she 'attacked" you with a divorce? Remember, she was NOT happy and neither were you.

Don't get amnesia now. You know, come to think of it, I guess the biggest problem I have with snooping or exposing an affair or behaving this way (dismissive) is that it seems to always take the LBS off course.

Instead of working on theselve for real, and digging deep, they suddenly point at the OP

(even when there might not be one OR even when it's the mere dream/fantasy of an affair, which I do NOT believe is the same thing as an actual PA and when pressed, most LBS's admit as much)

Instead of doing their own work. It gets them off course and that's what I fear is happening to you now.


That's not very friendly. But the other side of the coin here, I wish to keep her as my wife and have her back, and taking that step is sort of opposite that, right?

[color:#3333FF]
Yes it's the opposite. Ask yourself why you wanted to do that, and dig DEEP when you search. Note, the real journey in life is an inward one. That's the "upside" of these painful ordeals.

We grow, or we stagnate. If we choose the latter, chances are we'll also become bitter, not bEtter.

Anyhow, I must have missed something but did you get overt proof or evidence that your wife committed adultery? Because you are acting as if you have.

No, I do NOT believe that acting this way in the absence of proof or even half decent evidence helps YOU or the "cause." Why assume SHE is at fault and "wayward" when you admit the marriage had deeply rooted issues?

Because it's easier to point fingers and BLAME HER, than it is to keep at your own personal work.
I say this^^ from my own experience.

I could not wrap my brain around my h's choices and so I decided he was "wrong" (or at least "wronger") and I was right. But that wasn't enough.


I wanted that "Declared" in some form, but I wanted all this subconsciously b/c I knew in my HEAD how it sounded...but deep down I did not want to look at my role. While I conceded I had made mistakes, I kept my focus on HIS choices and HIS "wrongness" b/c it seemed to far exceed mine.

And that got me nowhere....for a year of my life.

Also, I sure as heck did not want to let go of the illusion I had that I could somehow control my h or "get him to see" anything...but I had to.

Back to YOUR marriage and wife...you said the intimacy in the marriage dropped off noticeably 1-2 years ago. That's a biggie. Any idea why? How was it before the drop off?

IMO, someone her age not being interested in sex with her h, is a red flag. No, I do NOT mean it always smacks of a OM!

But I think it's safe to say that if a 26 y/o woman is physically AND emotionally healthy, but she loses interest in sex with the man she married, there's a big problem INSIDE the marriage. Menopause can be challenging, but at her age, it's about the marriage...you need to dig deeper.

This issue has been percolating awhile. No way can you blame it all on an OM even if there is one.

You spotted & admitted to one root cause. (And that's really good!)

She didn't feel amorous when she felt criticized or judged, and you didn't feel loving or warm b/c you weren't having sex, (chicken or the egg)

and you felt you were doing more than she was around the house, correct? (Sorry if I'm over simplifying but is that the gist?)

One point I took from my DB coach that I'll pass onto you now is to

"Lose the scorecard" and any measuring you have been doing in your m. If you do dishes 5 nights a week and she does them twice, SO WHAT? You want less intimacy or more criticism inside your marriage, for some chores?

Do not count.

Here's the deal with scorecards IN marriages: 1) they never ever help a marriage and;

2) your spouse has her own, different scorecard. On HERS, you are way behind.

Also, your tone here^^ is coming across as judgmental. It's a bit of amnesia don't you think? I mean, it's as if you are saying she left a solid happy marriage for an OM - but from where I sit,

there's no proof of an OM (Starsky makes valid points about why one would want to snoop or assume an affair. I won't dispute he has a point;. I just happen to hold a very different opinion. I see zero value in assuming an affair, and I see problems with snooping.

Again, if an affair were an absolute deal breaker, then I'd hold a different opinion b/c you would want to know then. You'd base your whole course of action on whether there was an affair b/c you know you'd make different choices;.

But if you are willing to try and fix the problems INSIDE the marriage AND you think you could get past this (with mutual forgiveness on both sides) and thus, your path is the same regardless, then why the snooping/self inflicted pain AND judgement of her? How on earth does that HELP YOU?

How about you stick to your plans for self improvement and detachment and GAL and leave the issue of OM for a time IF/when you KNOW it's true?

Besides, the more judgmental you sound of her here, the less likely she'll believe you could ever get past this. (I wonder myself, based on how you've evolved in the few weeks here. I sense growing anger and a lot of deflection from what your role may have been. That gets you stuck fast.)

IF there were an affair, She may assume you'll throw it in her face every time you two fight (which I think must have happened in the past with all the resentment)

OR that you'll hold it over her head like the Sword of Damocles.

That is my .02 . Keep on Keeping on!!

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I think you need a strategy and a game plan. Here is what I posted to someone else and much of it applies to you and your situation.

Game plans require a stated GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal.

But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your wife.

Sounds sad and harsh, I know. But this^^ is ALL about you wanting something you cannot necessarily ever have again So for now--

Let's do what the vows say and drop the past so we can move

"From this day forward"...

The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a man. Becoming the best man you can become.

DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.

Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.

Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU. No more focus on the outcome, or trying to manipulate it...let go.

Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.

The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.

What your wife does or believes about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control.
Any efforts on your end to affect that, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.

That energy (the energy spent on worrying about her

OR in trying to convince her of anything about you) is a waste of energy.

Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best man you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice.

If she believes you are a purple lesbian from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a man with great qualities. You cannot focus on someone who believes false things.
Her beliefs will NOT be based on reality, her "data" about you will be false.
Those beliefs and her behavior cannot matter to you now.

The fact that you become a better man and great husband (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real. If you keep in touch with her family or other mutual friends, word will get back to her.

THAT^^ is all you ought to "do", b/c it happens to align with your goal of becoming the best man you can become. NOT to win her back -but b/c you want to self actualize.


The effort to understand her now, or to "teach her a lesson", and or to "get" her and to make her understand (anything) about you or that you love her, is ALL for nothing. Worse, it's actually counter productive.

It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes.

You'll keep checking in with her to "See if she knows that I feel X" and you'll keep on taking her temperature to see if "she knows Y and Z"

and your energy will continue to hone in only on HER reactions to your behavior.

That ^^is no way to live and it sure won't re-attract her to you.

(If it were effective and if it worked, it would have by now.)

Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.


Get her off your radar screen...for now and the foreseeable future.

Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.

When you become the best man you truly can be, and you know it,

then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,

and be at peace.

From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.[/color]