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SadDood #2558796 04/19/15 02:46 AM
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rob123 Offline OP
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Everything is going so well. My W has been engaging, initiating conversation, initiating the ILYs, initiating the holding hands, initiating the casual contact. Regardless of this, I am still scared. Outright mortified. Maybe that is the problem here.

Yesterday, my W got off work a bit later than normal and went to the store afterwards to get me the kids food. I saw she wasn't home when I got there and instantly told my kids we were going to take a walk around the neighborhood. Apparently, she called multiple times and texted multiple times asking if we were OK and if we needed her to pick anything up. She then texted asking if the dinner she was picking up was OK. My phone was still in the house, so I had no idea she even sent me any messages.

The walk calmed me down. It helped me just focus on my kids and really focus on myself. We got home just as she was pulling in. She really acted like she was a bit upset that I didn't let her know we went walking. I just told her I took the kids to walk since she wasn't home. No big deal.

The, today, we took our D to a birthday party for one of her friends at daycare. Our S went as well. We had a really good time and actually laughed and jokes and held hands. The mother of the birthday boy came over and talked to W for a while. W told me on the way home that she was saying how great of a dad I was and how she wishes her H would be as involved with their children as I am with ours. W then told me how thankful she was for me and how great I am.

That statement was really bittersweet. How do you interpret your W when she tells you she is thankful for me and that you are great? In normal circumstances, I would turn the tables and tell her how she is the same. Today, I just validated her feelings. Said I can understand how she feels that way. I felt like a dang robot reciting code. Felt weird, but I did not want to overdue anything.

When my W left for work this evening, she told kids she loved them and gave them kisses. She even went as far as telling me she loved me and gave me a kiss. Then looked into my eyes after the kiss and told me that she was feeling love again.

I was so excited, but yet so scared. I have to continue with GALing. I have to continue with detaching. I just don't want to detach so much that I detach myself from our family, if that even makes any sense? I had some women today tell me that I looked like a model in Home Depot today. My wife even complimented me on my appearance today. I have always considered myself to be a fairly good looking guy. I just have recently switched up to doing more crossfit style working out rather than simply heavy weightlifting.

Not sure what reason I even point that out. It just feels good to be validated again. However, like I said earlier in one of my 180s, I have to rely less upon external validation and be internally validated. I guess that is a fail on my part, but, again, it felt good.

Any advice on not to allow W to so quickly get things back to 'normal' without re-doing R? Maybe not re-doing, but creating new R? I'm telling you, I don't have the time nor the patience to do this twice. I don't see how anyone could.


M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
rob123 #2558914 04/19/15 06:11 PM
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Quote:
That statement was really bittersweet. How do you interpret your W when she tells you she is thankful for me and that you are great? In normal circumstances, I would turn the tables and tell her how she is the same. Today, I just validated her feelings. Said I can understand how she feels that way. I felt like a dang robot reciting code. Felt weird, but I did not want to overdue anything.


You told her you could understand how she could feel you are great? LOL, maybe it would be better to simply say thanks. It probably felt weird b/c you didn't feel authentic.

I see a blend of two things you need. I would guess that words of affirmation is your love language, which is fine. In addition, I see a man who may appear secure on the surface, but he feels so insecure emotionally that he needs daily validation to stay afloat.

I could understand how a person could begin to confuse loving actions with his own insecurity. When you were describing how much you always tried to protect your W from any hurt, wanting her to call you, etc., you saw your actions as loving and caring. From where I sit, I could easily see those actions as smothering her. A lot of women would say it is a method of control. What you may believe comes from a place of deep love........may be more from a place of deep insecurity. I see where it could lead to co-dependency. Maybe it already has. I hope you will seriously consider these issues and what you can do about it.

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When my W left for work this evening, she told kids she loved them and gave them kisses. She even went as far as telling me she loved me and gave me a kiss. Then looked into my eyes after the kiss and told me that she was feeling love again.


Please don't put a lot of stock into it. It takes time to go from an EA back to feeling in love with her H. She may be trying to convince herself..........or something else. Just take it at face value and no more.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2558944 04/19/15 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Please don't put a lot of stock into it. It takes time to go from an EA back to feeling in love with her H. She may be trying to convince herself..........or something else. Just take it at face value and no more.

I have to agree with Sandi. My W walked away 6 months ago today and filed for D the very next day! We don't live together, but since then I have received so many mixed messages from her. Most people on this forum think I shouldn't put much stock in her occassional nice comments for the same reason Sandi mentioned to you. Please take things one day at a time.

Good luck and hang in there!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Bob723 #2559142 04/20/15 02:22 PM
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rob123 Offline OP
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Thanks for the replies Sandi and Bob.

I completely agree with your assessment, Sandi. I realize that my actions of 'love' were anything but that from her perspective. It is incredible how perspective drives perception. I am thinking that I am being loving, while she thinks I'm smothering her.

I believe the issue of insecurity crept into my life when she left to go to school. Here I am, with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. The closest family member was 3 hours away. Money was tight so getting a babysitter was out of the question. So, what happens to me? I became more and more 'shelled' from real life and my friends. Sure, I still talked to them and would go out and eat lunch, but we didn't get to spend our normal Saturday's going out to play golf or watching football games or shoot guns or whatever else we used to do. Don't get me wrong, I loved taking care of my children, but I also became distorted from the world, in a sense.

When the W came home from school 5 months later, she was so deeply involved with studying and clinicals, that I still did not have the ability to go do much with my friends. Of course, as I explained earlier, this led to the issues of me wanting affirmation for what I was doing for the family. When I didn't get that up to my standard, it upset me. I fully admit that.

So, that is something I have done a 180 with. It is so funny how difficult it is to change ourselves, so why do we continue to focus on changing others? I fully understand that I am a good father. I fully understand that I can be a good husband (without be re-affirmed about being just that). Why do I need someone telling me that to be that? Is it because my love language is affirmation? Is it because I like to be recognized for what I have done? Of course it is, but it is also self-destructive. I have realized, with the help of some very late night self-reflection, that I need to focus on self-affirmation.

Rather than waiting for someone else to notice what I did, as long as I recognize what I did, that will work for me. I spent most of the day yesterday outside picking up leaves/putting out mulch/doing some landscaping in the back yard. My wife was outside with me playing with the kids and I could see her just watching me. Looking at me. Smiling at me. Why was she smiling? Who knows. 4 weeks ago, I would have wondered when she was going to say the yard looked good. Yesterday, I did not care. I was happy with the way it looked and was happy that our backyard was clean and looked nice.

Yesterday was another great day. The W was very nice and it seemed like we were happily married again. The DBing I have been doing (literally, being nice and happy when around her yet not pursuing her at all) seems to be working fairly well.

I continue to take it one day at a time. I'm not taking too much stock in what the W is doing. Who knows why she is doing what she is doing. It does feel nice to see the glow back in her eyes when we talk, but I only take it for face value at this point. Nothing more, nothing less.

Again, thanks for the replies.

Last edited by rob123; 04/20/15 02:26 PM.

M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
rob123 #2559873 04/22/15 02:36 PM
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Journaling...

Everything seems to be going well this week. The W and I have been very cordial towards one another and we have been spending actual quality time lying in bed, laying on the couch, eating dinner while talking to each other. Don't get me wrong, I have not made myself overly available or attempted to pursue my W. It's just that when we have been in those situations, we have had some very good conversations.

I re-read some of my previous posts and wanted to clarify myself a bit. I realize that I cannot change my W. The only person I can control is myself. That is why I feel as though I have been a bit overly harsh upon myself, especially when doing some self reflection. The thoughts and words I have described myself as seem to have been more abrasive than what I am in reality, if that makes any sense.

I questioned why I may have done this and I think I arrived at that answer. I have focused only on what I brought to the marriage as these are things that I can control. These are the things that I can change. The way that I react to situations are things that I can control. Again, why be upset that my wife did not help with the dishes or housework? Sure, I would love for help, but rather than simply ask for help, I would do the housework and resentment would build. Why be upset when my wife would never talk about her feelings? I always enjoyed talking about our feelings, but after we had our first son, my wife, while dealing with post-partum depression, simply quit doing this. She emotionally detached. Why allow that to affect me? My feelings for her did not change, why not just tell her how I felt and be done with it. I control me.

Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family? I could still take our kids for a walk by myself. Why try to hold that against her?

In terms of GALing, I have been doing things with my kids. I have always been involved with working out and continue to do so. I have planned a man trip with my buddies this summer. We have also planned to go watch a football game this fall.

You know, one thing I have quickly noticed here, is that the gift of time is awesome. It allows us to focus on what we can do to become a better partner. I really believed, a few days after the BD, that my W was crazy for telling me that she was no longer in love with me. I mean, I did all of this for our family and allowed her to go to school. How could she abandon ship? Well, I hit myself with a 2x4 and realized that maybe I was allowing her to abandon ship because I was not that enjoyable partner that she wanted, that she needed, that she feel in love with.

Sure, she has her faults, but there is nobody on this earth without faults. In the end, if our M does not make it, it won't be because I have not done everything necessary to make myself a better partner.

Again, so far everything has been going well. We have had some very good conversations. Nothing about the R or M, but just talked about her job, my job, kids, the future, things that happily married people talk about.

I hate to see all of the hurt that people have around here. Trust me, I understand exactly how it feels. Again, we have the gift of time here. We have the opportunity to make ourselves better people. Many people never get the chance to improve themselves. There are plenty of really 'bad' people that remain married their entire lives, while there are 'great' people that are divorced multiple times. We have the chance, at this point, to make ourselves better partners. We have the chance to make ourselves better people.

What we do with this time is our decision to make. Will we use it to improve ourselves? Make us irresistible? Or will we waste this time focusing on trying to change that 'other' person? Waste this time trying to worry about everything else that 'other' person is doing?

I say we focus on ourselves. It is hard, trust me, I know, but that is the only thing that we are in control of. Ourselves.


M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
rob123 #2560039 04/22/15 08:59 PM
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I'm glad you are having a good day. Be careful that your thoughts do not swing too far to the other side. It's often difficult to stay balanced in how we see things. It is good to see your part, just don't try to take it all. This is what I mean, look at the following statement:

Quote:
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family?


Maybe b/c she left you with two babies and was gone for five months?

It's fine not to wait for her to join in the family activities, but don't get carried away here.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2560248 04/23/15 04:06 PM
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rob123 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'm glad you are having a good day. Be careful that your thoughts do not swing too far to the other side. It's often difficult to stay balanced in how we see things. It is good to see your part, just don't try to take it all. This is what I mean, look at the following statement:

Quote:
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family?


Maybe b/c she left you with two babies and was gone for five months?

It's fine not to wait for her to join in the family activities, but don't get carried away here.


I totally get what you are saying, thanks Sandi! I have had such a wide range of emotions (like everyone else when the first are put in a sitch like ours) that it is sometimes difficult to understand exactly what is real and what is imagined?

I realize that both parties bring equal parts to relationships. I just want to ensure that I work on myself. While I could vilify her and make her out to be the bad one, doing that only brings pain and makes me really get too upset. I mean, I get mad enough thinking about the things I did along the way, but when I think about the things she did, it just hurts me more and more.

My W works late tomorrow night and has to work Sunday, so my W suggested that we should go to visit my parents and go to a local carnival/festival there. I am going to do that. I, at first, thought about the worst case scenarios. Maybe she is just setting it up so I am not at the house this weekend? Other needless mind-reading tricks. She then told me that she had a hair appointment (which I know she does) that she didn't want to miss on Saturday or she would go with me. A co-worker asked her to pick up his shift on Sunday and she messaged me that if we wanted to go, she would take it, but if we stayed home she would not.

I then saw it for what it is. An opportunity to catch up with my family who I have been neglecting for almost a month (due to embarrassment, fear, worry about my situation that they do not know about, whatever else you want to throw in here) and an opportunity for me and my children to have a good weekend away from the W.

My W has been texting me much more frequently today and yesterday while at work. The kind of message she used to send. I always take a deep breath and count to 10 before doing anything and ask myself would responding to this message push her further away or bring us closer. Many times, I just send back a cordial but short response. I don't go overboard and I don't reply to every message.

It is definitely a difficult spot to be in. It seems like we are connecting more and more. I just don't want to allow us to ever get back into this position again. I don't want to make the road paved home that is slopping towards the front door so much that we don't work on improving our R. Focus on building a new M.

I'll check in later and let you all know if anything changed. Onward and upward!


M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
rob123 #2560632 04/24/15 05:46 PM
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Well I hope you don't wait too long to check back.

confused


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2560646 04/24/15 06:25 PM
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Everything went very well last night. My W, whose allergies have been acting up, was very tired, but she stayed up and we watched some baseball in the bed together. She snuggled up with me. We held hands, hugged and even kissed a bit. We stayed up and talk about nothing in particular after I turned the TV off. It seems like things are moving in a positive direction.

I have really used the time since the BD (well, minus the first week or so) to focus on myself. Make myself the best partner that I can. Take a step back and realize that life can be enjoyable if we allow it. I have really focused on resolving the resentment I had fostered towards my W over the past 2 or so years. I have done much self-reflection and am now actively reducing how I deal with those feelings. I do know that it would be easy to throw away everything I have learned up until now and say, well, I can simply do this every now and again and my M will be OK.

However, I will not do this. It will be something I must do each and every day. If my W does not help with the dishes tonight, it is not the end of the world. Even if she does not help with the dishes the next month, it is not the end of the world. I can either ask her nicely to help (without insinuating anything or sound put out) or I can simply do them myself and realize that she is doing other things.

Life is all about how we approach situations and how we react to those situations. Using a previous example I typed out in my thread, if someone says Hi to us, we have the opportunity to determine how the interaction goes. We can be cordial. We can hug them. We can curse them. We can do whatever we want to. That is the beauty of DBing in my book. Time has been given to each and every one of us to improve ourselves. Even in the most dire situations and circumstances, we get the chance to work on ourselves.

I quit dipping tobacco about 5 years ago (prior to my S being born) and have not one day since regretted that decision. A couple of lessons/saying I still use from my experience doing that is 'the only person in control of you is you. Likewise, you cannot control anyone else.' 'This is a journey that never ends. Each and everyday you have the opportunity to make the decisions that you want to make.'

Each interaction I have with my W (and children and others), I have the opportunity to make 'good' decisions or make 'bad' decisions.

I'm heading to my parents this afternoon and look forward to a good trip visiting with them and seeing old friends at the carnival.


M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
rob123 #2561431 04/27/15 02:29 PM
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Journaling...

Had a decent time this weekend with my parents, sister, BIL, my niece and my 2 children. Friday night there was a very bad storm in the area and it knocked over multiple trees and knocked the power out at my parents house. We ended up without power the entire weekend, but it wasn't really that bad because of the festival that we went to. Luckily, the power in town was still on!

I had a good time seeing people and friends that I have not seen in ages. It is weird, but people continually asked about my W. Where is she? How is she? You know the drill. She worked Friday night and then went over to one of her girl co-workers house on Saturday night. I went out for a while on Saturday, but in the back of my mind, all I could focus on was my W. I went to an old high-school friend's house and we sat around and were just shooting the bull. Then others came over and joined in. I enjoyed myself, but still had thoughts in my head that I know I have to let go.

I left around 10:30 and went to the house. The bad thing about not having power is that the entire house is quite. It really is only you and your mind. The mind that can think millions of thoughts a second. Your mind that wonders what is going on with your W. Your mind that, even though things were great the week before, continue to ask if it was all just a façade.

My W, again, was not feeling too well and was still sick when we got home yesterday. We went to the store and got some groceries and then cooked together. She acted great and was very happy to see us. I still, in the back of my mind, wondered, though. I have always been a person that really trusts others. I trust you, until you show me that I cannot trust you. I'm at the stage with my W that I am not 100% sure if I can trust her. In my opinion, that adds to the anxiety. When you cannot trust someone, you always attempt to mind-read. Well, why did she say this? Why didn't she say that? Is she being honest with me? You know, the typical actions of someone who does not fully trust the other.

I thought I did OK this weekend GALing. I wish I had a switch that I could turn that would completely get my mind off of my W. However, me wanting to fix everything and have everything be OK, it is hard to do that, especially at this juncture in the R. I did have fun with my friends reminiscing, but I also missed my W being there. It is hard to detach. It is hard to go about your life like nothing is wrong when your mind continues to tell you something is wrong.

For today, me and the W are starting a new workout program. My W was always into crossfit while I was always into just lifting weights. I found a program (a 6 week program) that combines both and I told my W I was starting today. My W said that she wanted to do this with me and that it would be fun for us to do this together.

It is weird, but we used to workout together. Not saying we did the exact same things, but prior to our children, we would always go the gym together and she would do her thing and I would do mine and then we would spend the last 10 minutes 'competing'. After the kids were born, I continued working out, but she started slacking a bit. It got more and more difficult to workout together. Our gym finally offers childcare (started about 6 months ago) so we don't have to go at different times. She told me that she misses when we did that because working out was something we both enjoyed and the competition at the end was always fun for her. I think this is moving forward in the right direction.

I know, like many others here, that we have to take things one day at a time. I see some real progress in our R at this time, but I am DBing for the rest of my life. Everyday I have the chance to be a better partner. I will be a better partner!


M: 6 years, together 11
M: 31 W: 30
D 2, S 4
BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
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