It sounds like you handled it perfectly if you ask me.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thank you pilot. I was really worried that I was wrong and seemed rude.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Hi Nick, I think it is your demeanour that's important. If your demeanour was pleasant with your W during that interaction, I think it was perfect. If your demeanour was cold, and you were unsmiling, it may have come off as rude or reactive.
So, keep aiming for brief, pleasant, 'neighbourly' - I'm a guy with lots on and you are not central to my plans here - but never in an unpleasant, abrupt, cold way...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots. I think I was pleasant. I smiled the whole time and kept everything I said to W very brief. I'll keep at it.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Last night while shopping with son I ran into a woman I went to high school with and we talked for 10 minutes or so. She's recently divorced and suggested we get together sometime. We exchanged numbers. She's an attractive woman and we always got along in school but I don't want to do anything detrimental to my DB'ing. Would having dinner or drinks with her be stupid?
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Hi Nick, I'm very much in the 'dating is a bad idea' camp - so I'll be upfront about that. Others on the boards may have different views, and there have been interesting debates - particularly on Mozza's thread. There are a few reasons for my response:
You only S a couple of months ago, so your sitch is fresh You are still M, hoping to save your M (or why would you be here) Your W recently slept with someone else and you feel raw (understandably) about it
IMHO, it would be much more healthy to say to this woman - hey, thanks for suggesting we get together - but I'm not going out with other women right now. I don't know when or if that may change. I'm still hoping our M might be saved.
You may say - oh, but it would just be on a friendly basis. But you have already said she is recently divorced and attractive - so I don't think it would be 'just friends' from what you say. Given your W's recent ONS, I can understand you feeling raw, but watch out that you are not just walking into something that looks like a retaliatory affair with this.
I think it would be much more healthy to go through the process of DBing, self-improvement, healing and moving foward with the love and support of friends and family, and not quickly get involved with a new OP.
Just MHO. Going out with someone else, could wake your W up a bit to the possibility of losing you. But the idea of dating anyone else for 'reaction' purposes is just wrong I feel.
Good luck with whatever you decide...:-)
Last edited by Toots; 04/19/1503:12 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots. I agree. In fact just last week I met someone through a friend (unintentionally) and turned down her request to get together sometime for the reasons you mentioned. I guess I was looking at this as more just getting together with an old friend but under the circumstances I think it's best not to.
Just to clarify though W had a ONS a month after S which has turned into a regular thing. They're at each others homes regularly. After the ONS she was remorseful and said it was a mistake but now since we were fighting she says she doesn't feel bad about it and it's not an affair or cheating since we're separated and she says the marriage is over.
Then just last week she said "we don't know what's going to happen between us". It's all very confusing. But I won't contact the woman or try to meet anyone else. Whatever happens with my M I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I did everything I possibly could to save it and at least stayed faithful to my M even at its lowest point.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Does my W even fit the description of a WW? As far as I know she never actually cheated while we were together. I had my suspicions the last year or 6 months before S because of how protective she was of her cell phone all of a sudden and that I found a bunch of male coworkers phone numbers on our bill. Conveniently the paper bill stopped coming after I brought it up and I was accused of spying. But I never had any actual proof of an affair.
It wasn't until a month after I moved out that she slept with someone, a coworker, and she was truly remorseful after talking about it for 2 hours. Then we kept fighting and it has turned into a regular thing now that she says she has every right to do because she's an adult and our marriage is basically over and she doesn't regret it anymore.
I don't think this would change what my approach needs to be but I'm just confused as to whether or not W would be considered a WW. If not do I need to change my approach or does everything remain the same? I apologize for asking what probably seem like stupid questions but I'm confused by a lot of this as well as extremely emotional which isn't helping process everything accurately.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
I'm wondering lately if this is even worth it. I loved who my W used to be but who she's becoming is someone I'm starting to despise. She was always a great mother and did everything for and with our S. But now I think she's so caught up with OM she's just forgetting about our S and I can't deal with that.
He had some disturbing things to tell me a month ago and when I told her about it she just brushed it off and left it for me to deal with which I'm doing. And his behavior is getting more worrisome. He had a huge meltdown last night which is so far out of character for him. I told W and she basically said I'll talk to him but he's just being dramatic. He's not. He's hurting bad.
He tells me every day when I get him that he doesn't do anything with her while he's there. Just watch TV while she's on the phone or texting. She always did stuff with him in the past. She was a great mother.
I'm starting to think she's such a different person now that there will be nothing left of the person I loved. I'm beginning to cope with what's happening between us but avoiding our S's issues or putting OM 1st is unforgivable.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Nick, It is yours to decide if the A is too much for you to want to get back together. If you want to repair your M, be prepared for much heartache to come before it's over. I think most of us felt the way that you do right now. If you can tough it out, and repair your M, I think your son will be better off for it, and I think that you and your W will be happy if you follow the plan to get a HAPPY marriage- not just a marriage.
