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nick77 Offline OP
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Hi sandi and thank you. I will read the thread you mentioned. I simply dropped off the paperwork she needed in the mailbox and left. There was no interaction.


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
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nick77 Offline OP
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1 of the biggest things I'm struggling with and obstacles I see, however true or false it may be, is feeling inadequate. I had a very well paying job that I left because it was part of our marital problems. I worked 6-7 days a week, long hours and was constantly stressed out. I left to pursue something I've always wanted to do so I wouldn't have to work so much and wouldn't be so stressed and distant. My W supported the move fully.

She and the OP work together and have jobs paying in the 6 figures. I remember her telling me a long time before we separated about him and how he's 35 and going to retire early because he has so much money saved.

Here I am in school and living off of savings that I saved in anticipation of quitting my job and she's with him. I can't offer that. Even when I'm finished with school I won't have that kind of money. I never needed to be wealthy and W never cared either but it bothers me now greatly.


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
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Nick, financial stability is important to most women. Wealth is usually not.

Re: the interactions with your W, you're seeing positive improvements - even if small - when you're backing off and giving her space. When you allow your feelings/W's positive responses to hurl you back in, your W backs off.

Read the "pursuit-distance" link that Cadet included in his initial post to you. It's solid gold.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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nick77 Offline OP
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Thank you Train for your reply. I read the thread and will make sure I follow the principles outlined in it. I was just so happy when she said "we don't know what's going to happen" that all I heard was "there's a chance we'll be together again".

I read Sandis thread about LBH and WW as well and need to start following that more closely. It just seems so counter productive though it makes sense.

Can someone advise me what to do with my current dilemma? My son's 7th bday is next week and W bought him a trampoline for the yard and I offered to help my father-in-law put it up while she's at work and his in school. Should I still do it?

And every year on his bday we would take him to dinner wherever he chose and I asked W if we were still going to do that this year. She's working but said she'd meet us wherever when she gets off. Should I cancel that too?


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
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Originally Posted By: nick77
Can someone advise me what to do with my current dilemma? My son's 7th bday is next week and W bought him a trampoline for the yard and I offered to help my father-in-law put it up while she's at work and his in school. Should I still do it?

And every year on his bday we would take him to dinner wherever he chose and I asked W if we were still going to do that this year. She's working but said she'd meet us wherever when she gets off. Should I cancel that too?

As far as the trampoline goes, why would you punish your son by not doing it?

What do YOU want to do about dinner?

There are no right or wrong answers here,
you must detach,
can you go to dinner and be detached?
Yes but it will take practice and is something that
will not happen over night.


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nick77 Offline OP
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I don't want to punish my son I was just curious if that would be seen by her as appeasing. You're right. I want to and will put up the trampoline.

As far as dinner is concerned I hope I can go and be detached. I'll just feel awkward because I'm not really sure how to do that while we're both sitting there. But I want to go. I want my son to be happy.


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Well to me being a good DAD is more important than anything else!!


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Hi Nick, I would put S's Bday first and your sitch second here. The tramp is for him, and I don't think there's any problem helping with that. It's an act of love for him.

As for the meal, I would carry on with that lovely family tradition. Your W can link in if she wants to - if not, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time anyway.

Hope he has a great day!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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nick77 Offline OP
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Thanks Toots for your reply. I am going to put up the trampoline and go to dinner. I'm kind of hoping W doesn't come because I'm not sure how to go to dinner with her sitting right there and be detached aside from outright ignoring her. I'm sure that would turn out great.


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 32
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nick77 Offline OP
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This afternoon I was taking a walk when W texted me and asked me to come get our son early so she could get to work early. I said sure and walked over. She was putting gas in her car and our son was in the drivers seat with the music blasting and dancing.

I walked up with a smile and said hi she smiled and said hi back then I started talking to S and didn't even look at her. She commented on how much gas her SUV uses and I agreed that it uses a lot but it's to be expected with her type of vehicle.

Then I told S it's time to go, said bye and walked away and never looked back.

Is that an appropriate interaction? I feel stupid for asking but I'm so new and bad at this and don't want to come off as being rude but also don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. I apologize if this is a dumb question but I really don't know.


Me:37, W:33, S:7
T:10 total (split while she was in college)
M:3
S:2/4/15
EA confirmed: 3/7/15
D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
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