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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Hurt06
They want me to move out and continue to pay every expense for my W with no timeline and no expectation that the marriage will ever be saved.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Any idea what you will be required to pay after a divorce?

I think she should move out!


Have you spoken to a lawyer?
Just an initial Consult. I have a good idea on my rights, I do not have to leave our home.

Any idea what you will be required to pay after a divorce?
Yes I have an idea, its not enough for her to stay in our home, her standard of living will take a nosedive and she will loose her health insurance.

I think she should move out!
Yes I agree and all counsel I have sought says the same. The only people saying I should leave are her and her parents.

Last edited by Hurt06; 04/11/15 04:38 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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May I share some unsolicited advice that my lawyer shared with me? From this moment onwards assume every conversation is being recorded and could be used against you. Everything you tell you ILs will make its way back to your W. They will eventually side completely with your W no matter how wrong she is. If I were you I would limit or discontinue all conversation with your ILs. Things are heating up rapidly and you don't want to say something incriminating.

My two cents.

RAI

PS. As previously suggested, consider reading The 10 stupidest mistakes men make in divorce (I may have gotten the title slightly wrong). It is a quick but high yield read.


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Update:

Thanks for all the insight.

W has moved into full "I hate you" mode. Only looks at me with a scowl and is furious with anything I say which has been limited to strictly conversation regarding the kids. Such as, "I would like to take the kids to the park this afternoon".
She is questioning everything I do with the kids and stomps around the house in a constant state of anger.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done having to stand by helplessly and watch her self destruct.

Anyone else had a similar experience?

All of this started after she talked to an attorney.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Anger that's perpetual is often a means of control. I'd guess during your M when she got angry you'd change your behavior to try to make her feel happy again.

Well, now she's looking at her plans to the future and after speaking to a L she realizes she needs you to agree to her terms for her to get what she wants. Some would think that she would be treating you nicely then to keep it friendly, but she is doing what always worked before: putting you in your place.

Yes, many of us have been here before. I've gone through 4 spew jackets since BD. The trick is not to let it impact your behavior or you'll only encourage it.

I would set strong, strong, strong boundaries.

Also- I would take STRONG independent action with your own lawyer. Do not be passive. Not only do you protect yourself, but you don't want to appear to be clinging to the M with both hands kicking and screaming. The message should be "No, W, this is not what I wanted for our family. But I accept you've made this decision. You can leave if you'd like, however I am not going to stand by and be disrespected or taken advantage of legally however."


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Anger that's perpetual is often a means of control. I'd guess during your M when she got angry you'd change your behavior to try to make her feel happy again.

Well, now she's looking at her plans to the future and after speaking to a L she realizes she needs you to agree to her terms for her to get what she wants. Some would think that she would be treating you nicely then to keep it friendly, but she is doing what always worked before: putting you in your place.

Yes, many of us have been here before. I've gone through 4 spew jackets since BD. The trick is not to let it impact your behavior or you'll only encourage it.

I would set strong, strong, strong boundaries.

Also- I would take STRONG independent action with your own lawyer. Do not be passive. Not only do you protect yourself, but you don't want to appear to be clinging to the M with both hands kicking and screaming. The message should be "No, W, this is not what I wanted for our family. But I accept you've made this decision. You can leave if you'd like, however I am not going to stand by and be disrespected or taken advantage of legally however."


Zues126...WOW!!!!!

"Anger that's perpetual is often a means of control. I'd guess during your M when she got angry you'd change your behavior to try to make her feel happy again."

The light bulb just went off in my head! Things just became very clear!....you nailed it....thats exactly whats been going on in my M for the past 12 years....holy cow do I feel like an idiot!

"Yes, many of us have been here before. I've gone through 4 spew jackets since BD. The trick is not to let it impact your behavior or you'll only encourage it."

What is a "spew jacket"?.....this anger temper tamp-trim behavior? wonder how long this will go on for?...not that it matters as I am moving forward anyways....with or without her....Im getting better and stronger everyday....still hurts...just a little less each day....Im starting to see a bright future and a much better man and father than I was 8 months ago.

Sadly, I have a really good L standing by... she says I am naive and need to file for D immediately to protect myself. Again, D is not what I want for me and the kids so in some ways I am taking a chance by not filing first....I am trying to do everything possible to prevent D without giving up my core values and solid boundaries I have set in place. I will no longer be taken advantage of....legally or emotionally.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Ha, a spew jacket is what us LBS's wear so the spew that rains out of our WAS's mouth just washes off us.

I know what you mean. For a long time our self worth has been tied to the mood of our partner, it can be strange to stand up and not cringe when she stomps her feet.

Note- I am NOT casting off women and saying "we're better off without them". Just not healthy to give up ourselves.

Also- I am NOT point all fingers at your WAS. She was just doing one part of the dance. Had you danced differently, she might have as well. She might've been frustrated you didn't take control of your emotions in the M and was hoping you would.

As for D, definitely a funny topic. I just posted on my thread about how much I believe in M...yet I am filing for D. I originally said I never would, but some posts of Sandi's changed my mind. I realized I was not filing for the "wrong" reasons. I talked to my DB coach, my IC, my mom/dad...unanimously I was told it was time. And that my WAW becoming 100% accountable for her own life was the best thing for everyone.

I'm not urging you to file, but I will say there is a lot to sort through there as to when it makes sense. I'm tired, maybe if you want to talk through this subject I can share more tomorrow. Goodnight and take care.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Nov 2014
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Zues126

I'm not urging you to file, but I will say there is a lot to sort through there as to when it makes sense. I'm tired, maybe if you want to talk through this subject I can share more tomorrow. Goodnight and take care.


I'm all ears at this point


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
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Hurt06 Offline OP
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I just can't bring myself to file for D.

She has basically, refused to talk about kids and finances.

Anyone else had the WS shut down all communication like this?

Anger is about all she currently has for me yet she still has no income and depends on me for financial support.

Last edited by Hurt06; 06/15/15 04:36 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Thanks for posting again. Your sig says she is a SAHM. Is she not working yet?

I see several alternatives. They are about boundaries, not control/ultimatums, so you might want to brush up on that thread again.

One is to file D.

Another is to file legal separation. In my case we didn't 'file' it, I just had her served which protected me in some financial ways and time stamped it (so if it DID need to be filed it could be put on the record).

Finally, you could just set firmer boundaries. Do you have separate checking accounts? Are you paying 100% of her bills (including the cell phone she uses to arrange her liasons)? Do you have a schedule for when you're going to spend time with the kids and when you're going to be out?

I get it, you don't want to escalate things emotionally. That's GOOD. But neither do you want to be a rug, or enable her behavior (which is unattractive and ineffective).

I think it makes sense to incrementally increase your boundaries. Maybe start by separating finances. Maybe a separation at some point to protect yourself if she wracks up 20K in credit card debt. Etc.

Why don't you list the things you're doing that are enabling her today, and then we can start discussing ways you can draw healthy boundaries without jumping to D tomorrow.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Apr 2015
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Hurt, I just read through your thread. I second separating any financial means she can run up debt through. Your L should be able to advice you how. Basically take her off any joint credit cards and similar.

I have to comment on the illness. How is a person with illness supposed to get better, living alone as a single mother? That's completely ridiculous.

And - you say her hormone levels and her thyroid levels are off - but that the doctors can't find anything wrong. As a long-time thyroid disease sufferer: Thyroid disease is something very wrong! This illness is SO under-estimated by the mainstream medical community. Thyroid hormones influence every single cell in the body, and can cause a multitude of serious symptoms, including death. Both hypo- and hyperthyroidism can kill you if you don't treat it.

Her cortisol levels are high? Means she is really stressed, her adrenals are working overtime. That will make her angry and exhausted. With the other hormones being off, she may feel like she is mentally drowning. She may have anxiety, depression, brain fog, anger/rage, sleep problems, in addition to lots and lots of physical symptoms, and mood swings like a rollercoaster. Your presence may simply feel overwhelming to her. She may not have the emotional stamina to deal with the guilt.

No, it doesn't mean she can excuse lies and deceit and affairs, like Sandi said - but it is not unusual that people with thyroid disease first get diagnosed in a mental hospital. It needs to be addressed. Has she seen an endocrinologist or experienced OB-GYN?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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