It doesn't feel like courage.. it feels like survival.
The most frustrating thing is knowing that I would be perfectly fine if I were fully employed. The teaching that I'm doing in a very part-time way confirms without question that this would be the case-- while I'm there, I completely forget my troubles, and for a period of time afterward I am impervious to thoughts of how badly I've been treated, even when I return to an emtpy home. If I were working every day, instead of searching for work every day, this would be the normal state of things. But I'm now so over-educated and specialized that I don't know how I can find a position without having to move out of state or out of country. It's maddening.
Not having her around actually now feels more like the normal state of things. I don't like being single-- in fact, I hate it, and always have-- but it seems strange to imagine her being here. That might have much to do with the fact that what I can best imagine are these last months where her presence here has been astoundingly painful.
There's a song going through my head: "Another Without-You Day." Fitting.
In sooth I know not why I feel so sad. W's failure and departure is not a blow to my self-esteem; there are no children to miss their mother; I made out the better financially; I'm no worse off professionally; I lost no friends; and I can also see myself free of her unwanted demands on my time and having to deal with her mental disorders.
Perhaps at this point I'm mainly upset with her for taking the loving relationship out of my life-- a relationship which I miss regardless of who it is-- and angry with her for doing so in such a hurtful, callous, selfish, thoughtless manner. In short: she let me down. I thought better of her.
Doing my best to get out, to meet a new person or two, and to find a job. I've now met a new (female) friend to watch Doctor Who with me on Friday nights... her company doesn't replace my wife, but I didn't expect it to. It's just a nice way to not spend the evening alone.
Oh, and W may have noticed that I unfriended her on Facebook. There was a brief flurry of friendly messages from her after her adulterous weekend, and then a few more immediately after I unfriended her, but now I haven't heard a blessed thing from her for two and a half days. I expect to see her tomorrow, though, when she comes to get more of her stuff. I'm hoping she's able to take it all away so she's flushed out of my life. (At least until the D papers are officially filed, which should be next week.)
