Feeling hopeless tonight. My husband has not contacted me in days. No progress on the Guinea Pigs or his stuff. Like he wishes to erase the last 5 years.
On a brighter note. I received DB and DR books in the mail today. Will have to start cracking on those tomorrow.
Mind you, I think in my relationship I have to implement the LRT already. I wish I would have found this board and these books a year ago when things started to fall apart.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Hi Diana, just checking in to let you know I was thinking about you. Thanks for stopping by my thread and giving your support and insight.
My experience of NC at the beginning was that it felt like an abyss, where hopelessness dwelled.
You will find however that the time in between contact and NC and then again contact with your H will allow you to gain perspective and some short term peace to reflect and recover, to gain understanding, it will allow you to consolidate any changes you have made, make concrete some of your ideas about yourself and about him. It will bring reprieve. For me it gives me time to catch my breath.
Hold the faith Diana! As is often quoted here this is a marathon not a sprint,
It means so much to me that someone understands. NC is something new to me, since even when I withdrew due to my illness I still always talked, a lot. I wonder what he is doing and who he is with and I have to stop that. I really wish I would have found DB when my marriage first started to crack. My communication skills are sorely lacking.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
NC today. Not sure when and if he is coming by this weekend to look after his Guinea Pigs. I guess for now I will continue to look after them. No news about clearing out his stuff either. Most of my friends and family want me to get rid of it all, but if I push he'll just get more upset and distant. What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all? That really bothers me. I know....patience....GAL. It would have been so much easier to GAL with him here. Sigh
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
" What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all? That really bothers me."
Hi Diana, if you let yourself grab on to ^^^^^^^^^^ question, you will surely drive yourself insane. that question is not conducive to getting you back to your gorgeous wonderful self!
The very plain reality is, you don't get an answer to that question. At least not right now.
There are better different questions that are more loving and kind to you. One of mine is what can I do right now to feel better? Sometimes it is just to feel sad, sometimes it's chocolate, sometimes it is rereading a chapter from DR, and sometimes it's finding a post on here that I can connect with. I guess in DB it is GAL.
I recently attended a mental toughness workshop, and the key messages were, get comfortable with the uncomfortable and thoughts change feelings, different better thought, different better feeling. The effort it takes me to raise my mood at the moment feels enormous at times, but its part of moving closer to the one i love or closer to the one I'm supposed to be with. I try to keep focussed on thoughts and actions that will bring me closer to what I want.
I have very lovely friend who so kindly quotes me back to myself when I get stuck in life (I'm so good with the sage advice to others). But what I have often said to friends is "this bit was only ever going to be a sh*t time, accept it, you don't have to like it, but when you do you're half way to where you wanna be) I can't believe how precious I can be but its good advice.
Anyway feel free to ignore that above, just know I'm here for you as are others. We are cheering for ya!
My best friend came over and we cleaned part of the basement. That makes me feel better. It is a monumental task, but we had to start somewhere. I was feeling awful most if the night. I haven't been eating well. Just had something now and I hope I will feel better. Whenever I feel weak I get stupid ideas in my head. Stupid ideas are not good. Lol Still nothing from my H. Grumble! If I wasn't so hurt I'd be mad. Why am I taking care of his Guinea Pigs, buying all their food and cleaning their cage every day? Why is all his stuff still sitting out in the garage? If he wanted out so bad, why is he stalling? Makes me feel used! Time to clean some more. I hope I feel better in the morning!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
" Ive gotta wash that man right outta my ...." I think the song goes something like that. Cleaning is very therapeutic! Sometimes it feels like taking control.
Nice when the friends step up and help! Sharing the burden is brilliant, and being practically busy I think helps with detachment.
Not sure what "stupid ideas" are, should we worry?
If his things and animals are causing you upset and distress is there a friend that you could pass them to, so they cam drop them off to H? Or do want to hold on to them in the hope of contact with H?
" What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all? That really bothers me."
The reason is that there is something terribly wrong inside of him that you did not cause. In all likely hood it is from his childhood. Like a wounded animal he has gone off to heal himself. Let Go and let him. You didn't break him and can not FIX him.
I guess it is that I hope he will contact me because of the animals for the most part, also I am an animal lover. It is not their fault our marriage ran into trouble.
Cadet
Yes I know he has had a troubled life. His father died when he was 9. I think (arm chair psychologist) that caused a lot of abandonment issues. I know hoe hard it was for me to loose my father at 32. I never wanted to fix him, but I always tried to comfort him. I will let him be.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My husband was never married. No children. He had a long term girlfriend that wanted to get married and have children. He broke it off with her because he does not want to have kids. Perfect I thought. No baggage, no exes, no kids. How wrong I was. He became like my third child that I had to take care of.
I guess he did have some then.
Originally Posted By: Diana45
Cadet
Yes I know he has had a troubled life. His father died when he was 9. I think (arm chair psychologist) that caused a lot of abandonment issues. I know hoe hard it was for me to loose my father at 32. I never wanted to fix him, but I always tried to comfort him. I will let him be.
Yes I think his father dying may be what he needs to resolve. You can NOT help him do that. HE needs to resolve it. If he starts acting like a 9 or 10 year old then you know that he has gone back in time to work on this issue. I see it happen here all the time.
So how long do you think it takes for a 9 year old to grow up?
