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Thanks for explaining that a little better. It sounds like it wasn't so much how you treated him...but rather you weren't a whole person and he felt pressure to fix you somehow.

I can imagine he might have felt very lonely, and there might have been a lack of intimacy because you would just be a mirror of what you thought he wanted as opposed to someone that was independent, attractive, and challenging.

I think I can understand both sides of this dynamic. I'm sorry it played out this way for you Jelly, and that even during your M you felt so neglected. Keep posting and have faith.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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JellyB Offline OP
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Yip that would be it!

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I hadn't thought about him being lonely. Funny that's how I was feeling.

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What's shaking JB? Hope you don't plan on becoming a disappearing poster. Give us an update!

If you need a topic to get started I'll assign one: You felt you needed too much emotional support from your WAH. Yet, in an M, isn't it reasonable to need some level of support? How can you tell when it goes from being a legitimate need to being an unreasonable expectation?

Keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Hi Zues, No I haven't disappeared. I am here. I read and keep up with lots here on the boards. I guess I don't feel the need to post, as nobody really comments on my threads. So I kinda gave up. I wonder why i do that. It is a habit. When I don't feel people see me, get me or understand me, I scuttle back into my shell, becoming invisible. In fact it's not like me at all to post on a forum like this, complete 180.

I realise that for most of my life I have been that kid looking through the candy store window, face pushed up to the glass hoping that one day I would be allowed in to experience all the sweet treats life has to offer. I have always been on the outer of "popular" people, "cool kids" club, never quite feeling like I fit or entitled to be there.

I realise too that I sit on the edge of my friendships and intimate relationships too. I guess I use my caretaking to go under the radar.

It's an interesting experience in life to always feel on the periphery. I am not sure that people put me there, more that put myself there.

I guess the above kinda of answers your other question, about legitimate and unreasonable needs. Likely that my needs are legitimate, however because I don't feel that people get why I have the needs i do, I view them as unreasonable and invalidate myself and ignore them and go back to caretaking.

Sorry that is probably all a bit of a ramble, but written with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.

JB xx

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Hi JellyB.
Thanks for commenting over on my little story. I was just reading yours when you beat me to the comment - I can so much relate to what you have written up there ^^^ - you can definitely describe this much better than I can or ever have - but I share so many of your thoughts and feelings.

Please keep writing here because people are reading - even if you don't get many comments back - your thoughts may just help someone else even if you don't know about it.

Thanks - take care!!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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Long shot, but have you read Dostoevsky's "Note's from the Underground"? It's about a man that has an enormous gulf between himself and the rest of the world, and how he tries to bridge it at times.

Anyway. To some extent I feel the same. At times I have felt like I was marooned on another planet with no human life. Just so in my own world I was alone. I remember being 16 and going over to someone's house I was acquaintances with (Very few friends), and crying because it was so "normal". He had friends that would come over, they'd go to a football game. Remember, my life was playing pool 10 hours a day. I lived my life feeling like I was behind a glass wall, that I never really contacted anyone around me.

That's why my M was so special to me. I felt she was one of the few people in my world that I actually had a connection with. And to ME, that connection was PRICELESS. I have a couple of close friends, and my parents, but it doesn't come easy.

Where I had to get help was with my kids. I felt the same "glass wall" between me and them. Like I was watching them grow up without being able to connect with them. It was heartbreaking.

Finally I got on some mild meds, and slowed my life down a bit. Through some work I was able to start connecting. And this divorce has been a blessing in that I've had more time with them 1:1. I FINALLY feel like we're on the same side of the glass wall.

And more and more that glass wall is retracting.

I am still extremely introverted. Which is funny to those that know me because of how amphibious I can be. But though I'm introverted, I have been able to connect with people more than I used to.

I think I used to see it as all or nothing. Either you were my life partner or my best friend, or you were a stranger and we had a superficial relationship. I have learned a lot about boundaries, and shades of friendships and connection.

Anyway, sorry about the hijack. I'd just say I can understand feeling isolated, I can understand being horrified at how others take human connection for granted or treat is casually, and I can tell you that this too can change with time...if you're open to it.


Me:38 XW:38
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And yes, Jelly, that is hard to see. It's this horrifying cycle where you just want to be accepted and liked, so you try to will yourself to become a reflection of what your partner wants, but then as I said they can't tell you apart from themselves anymore because you're a "shadow", so they get lonely, withdrawn, or frustrated that you're not meeting their needs. Because it's hard to feel you have an intimate partner when you feel like you have a pet. And meanwhile it's hard for you, because you expect that by being such a good shadow he'd meet your needs, only you never communicated what they were and just expected the universe to reciprocate because you were such a 'good girl'.

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a good book for anyone in this spot. Just ask Mozza, he's like their PR agent wink

As for your TRUE value, well...I don't know you in real life but you seem loving, smart, funny, have strong values, and are introspective. I think your H was a fool. I do think you can become more confident about yourself, and your right to have your needs voiced and met. And I think that in growing that way you'll take a great person and see her become increasingly effective which will feel more satisfying and loving for you and your future partner, H or someone else.


Me:38 XW:38
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I think I have always been open to it, to connection and love...I feel I have wanted my partner or close friends to show me how to do it...I do well to point and then I think I become like the starving, who once they have it, devour, consume desire more and it...there is no balance. I find it all feels very unsafe and overwhelming and I crave to be on the other side of the glass because I know how to do that, and isolation feels much safer and loss painful...

I feel about my relationship with my ex as you do about your marriage PRICELESS...first time I had ever felt truely loved and understood....and then of course misunderstood...did I create that to stand on the other side of the glass?

I feel that is likely so...

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Lol I had never thought of myself as a pet (however adorable I am with my big brown eyes and dark long hair) lol...but invisible or shadow are apt... You have truely captured who I am in relationship with the men I love. I am not sure if I am grateful to be understood, or to be angry and sad that I am in fact quite easy to figure out, and did not have a loving partner see something that is obvious lol

ALack of Emotional investment in someone makes all the difference I suppose. The relative anonymity and emotional detachment created by this medium makes it far easier to provide insight to others... I will however be grateful for your interest in and care of me Zues.

Last edited by JellyB; 04/24/15 11:53 PM.
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