Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Complex]

25yr. The difference is this: she had an A while we still had a R. Then she moved our R to plain paperwork that has to be finished to finalize our breakup.

I'm not complaining about she having feelings for OM. I absolutely agree it's hypocritical to say something like that. I just said as long as that is the case I could never start piecing. Neither would I if I'd have ANY sort of entanglement with another woman. I'm not dating, I told OW the truth about my circumstances. And we just hung out a couple of times. I don't see why this is hypocritical. My R is officially over, only paperwork left. W even tries to encourage me to get a girlfriend lol. Of course probably so she would feel better. I did not tell her, if she's going to ask, I won't lie that I went out with someone. But it's none of her concern right now. Because THAT would be hypocritical.
Please feel free to criticize me if I'm completely wrong here. I get that it is better to wait and have a real R when I feel like I'm ready for it. But I'm playing with open cards and do this for myself, the experience of moving on, etc.
edit: it's funny how I even catch myself validating my own actions so I feel better about it tho. I do not want to miss this feeling tho. I'm very reflective. It shows me very close what my W went through and gives me better understanding

[Complex]

I validated some and kind of started crying myself
She felt bad, told me about all the great qualities I have, gave me a pretty sincere hug........
...........while writing this she came back out into the living room and cuddled against me, apologized and then we actually had one of the most sincere conversations in a very long time.

Not a bad thing. It hurt me a bit to see that we actually can have a deeper conversation and understanding for each other. But she's also still like "you'll be happy, you'll find someone", but compared to other times she said it with a very warm heart. Then she said "you're all healthy now, you are like the person that I met again" ...say what??? I just replied jokingly "yes, before I got married, lazy and fat, bc that's what ppl do right?" (I'm actually more skinny, and always was lol)
No reason for me to change anything. My feelings right now are out of my M. It's just a question of time. I'm pretty detached from it although it still hurts. I didn't cry in a long time.

I read this all as her just wanting to know that you'll be okay. She does care about you, and it's very much script for wayward spouses to "normalize" things, or at least TRY to. If they can rationalize and tell themselves "everything's going to be okay" -- esp. their betrayed spouse and any kids involved -- then they won't feel as guilty.

Starsky

Good explanation. But what's your approach in this? We don't want to cause guilt feelings, it's not useful for our cause. Neither do we want to comfort them ...
So what do you do in this case?
This is a BIG question IMO. Especially when the end is near. With what impression and feelings should a WAS leave the M?

[alpha99]

I might be completely wrong here but doesn't it go along the lines of 'be the man that only a fool would leave?'

[Starsky309]

Plus she still seems to be in love with OM, although they are not talking. In her anger she told me something very hurting, which I told her after too that saying stuff like this is hurtingand she apologized afterwards. "I care about OM and I always will, I know him much longer than I know you".
I am mentioning this because this fact is unacceptable for me in a M. As long as she feels that way, there won't be a R, ever.

Then you have your answer: the way you're feeling is healthy for now, because she's nowhere near ready anyway. That's what I was hinting at.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Good explanation. But what's your approach in this? We don't want to cause guilt feelings, it's not useful for our cause. Neither do we want to comfort them ...
So what do you do in this case?
This is a BIG question IMO. Especially when the end is near. With what impression and feelings should a WAS leave the M?

Your approach is the same as it's been -- her comments shouldn't affect it one whit, in one direction or another. If you want to SAY something to statements like those, just say "Yes, I do realize I'll be fine now whatever happens. Not what I would have wanted, but I'll be fine."

[Complex]

Very helpful Starsky.
Do you have 2 cents on 25yrs criticism about 'dating' etc?
Thanks

[Starsky309]

Very helpful Starsky.
Do you have 2 cents on 25yrs criticism about 'dating' etc?
Thanks

No.

[Ontheup]

Hey complex

Short sharp shrift from 25 and dating does go against Db principles. for me getting attention from opposite sex has helped me move on and realise I'm worth more than what I've been handed for months even years.
If I believed there was any chance of recon then I wouldn't get involved with anyone. as it stands for me I presume my wife is firmly still with OM. We are moving forward to sell our property and there has been no talk of recon or anything for 2 months. I'm not filing for divorce as yet as for one I don't have the funds to set it in motion. For two I'm just appreciating the relative calm for now. We could be in this sitch for a long time unless my wife moves it forwards. so does that mean I never see another woman until I'm divorced? I know people who have been separated for years. Does that mean they have to live like monks?
Tricky one and does polarise opinion.

[Complex]

Very helpful Starsky.
Do you have 2 cents on 25yrs criticism about 'dating' etc?
Thanks

No.

Does that mean you agree or disagree or are neutral?

I feel a little bit like starting to give up. And my actions initiate letting completely go and move on with my life.
There are absolutely NO signs of a chance of reconciliation. It's not going to happen before we are truly separated. And even then, unlikely. They way it is right now is not worth for me suffering another few months. It's just not fair.
Although it got a little tougher since the last conversation with W, which showed we CAN have deeper conversations and connect.
But it's not gonna change anything.

But either way I have to be very careful where this is going. Maybe I'm just a fool,...still making mistakes. I did grow up a lot in this but maybe not enough yet...

Shouldn't think of sex or anything anyway. My libido is pretty low through the meds too. Not too much happening down there for my young age but I guess this shouldn't be any focus anyway.

Thanks!

[Complex]

Thanks Ontheup. In general it just doesn't make sense to date whatsoeber if you want to safe your M, and if there's any chance of reconciliation it would be even worse. We just live in a world now where all this stuff is normal I guess. But then I cannot be hypocritical and do things that are going against my values.

Often the last few months I caught myself wanting to do stupid things, to actively get over the M. Basically destroy it forever, it's very hard to explain. You want to destroy sth you want so bad but you know you can't and it'll just make it easier and faster. Not a healthy approach but it's hard to control your mind sometimes.

Thanks for your insight again Ontheup.. I'm glad for any kind of criticism even if it's harsh too. So I don't mind 25yrs post. I need to look at everything I do from many different perspectives. Everyone is very helpful opening new ones to me.