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closer,

she is spinning out. LET HER!!! that is part of her journey, don't take her troubles on yourself!!

that is what is stressed here, for you and the WAS-actions!

she will spew when she sees you next, you know that right? do you have a plan? better start thinking about what you want to convey that is best for you and your kids.

best of luck


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Closer! I've been there. Don't let her spin out confuse you for hope. You cannot take what she says as reliable. She calls you from the OM house.

You need to detach from this situation and get your head clear. You need to stop conversing and get stable. This is fresh. It's new. You will adapt but right now is confusion and panic mode.

Get clear. Now. Keep posting. Advice and support is here.

I'm cheering for you and I know what you are feeling.

Get a hold of yourself now. Whatever you have to do.

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Closer2 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone. I picked up D4 from SIL. SIL and BIL both expressed disgust with STBX. It was a great discussion because I had been distancing from them. I felt that they had STBX's back and only believed her side of things. They don't and they are very against cheating. I hand plans to discuss things with them, SIL unloaded to me how upset she is by her sister's actions.

I told the truth. Nothing nasty or mean. Just the truth of what has happened since D-day.

I know they won't cast STBX out, I don't want them to. I'm glad they know the truth and I'm glad they feel disgusted by her actions.

Hanging out with the kids tonight. Trying to figure out how to deal with this on Sunday night.

Tenbook, our marriage is over. I have no R ideas or interest now and can't imagine them in the near future. My focus is going dark and selling the house. I am moving on. I feel no love for her anymore.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Closer my brother. Our marriage is OVER. I too need to sell our house, get signed up for daycare, and moving on. We are not alone.

I feel no love for my STBX. I love my children and I love myself too much to go through this.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

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I feel much better now. The kids wanted to stay at my parents house. Which worked out well because I needed to get D4 a birthday gift. I'm taking her and S9 to the aquarium tomorrow for a "daddy's private b-day party for d4" party.

I decided last week that I can't do the big party with the STBX. There is one friend of hers that as really been encouraging the A. This year I feel more comfortable removing myself from the situation. I don't think I'll keep separate parties going forward. I like seeing the kids have fun with friends. I also don't like that I'm allowing myself to miss time with my kids because of people that have no value to me. Maybe next weekend I'll feel differently. Tomorrow we will have fun.

It also feel better after talking to SIL and BIL. I was so sure that they had taken her side. It was nice to see that they did not. SIL and STBX are very close and I completely understand that she will support STBX. It was just nice to hear that she didn't agree with how STBX is handling this. My kids love their aunt and uncle and their cousins. I feel much better about my kids spending time there.

It was funny to her SIL talk about how STBX and MIL are both acting crazy. STBX's father died five years ago and since then MIL has been acting crazy. Joining dating sites, going on cruises with guys she just met. She even married a guy after dating him for a short time in Oct. and filed for divorce from him last month. The time MIL married this guy is the same time STBX started her A. MLC trigger maybe?

Thanks for the support. I feel better. I still don't know how I'm going to deal with everything on my own. Selling this house, kids, work, and getting STBX junk out of here. I haven't even though about what to say when she wants to come back to the house and get her stuff.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Just an update and doing some journaling. Had a great time with D4 and S9 at the aquarium today. My daughter is scared to death of sharks, but she enjoyed seeing them at the aquarium. We had a great time and can't wait to go back.

I sent the STBX a text today. Nothing crazy. I told her we need to talk about the getting the house sold and child care. I know I shouldn't text her, but she needs to help me with this house. I need her to meet with the realtor during the week, be here while the roofer and flooring guys do their work. I can take off some work, but not enough.

She replied that she has not been able to calm down since yesterday and has had a mini-breakdown. She is willing to help and will be at the house in the AM to watch D4, work on staging, repairs, pick up S9, and leave when I get home.

She may not be pleased that I packed all her remaining clothing for her. Maybe she'll be happy that she doesn't have to, who knows.

I'm going to do my best to treat this as a business deal. As if I'm flipping a house with a business partner. I know I have to detach more. In the past, she would pull me back with a look, a hug, or brushing against me. She would always lay on my chest and talk to me at night. That made it near impossible. AT least that will not be able to happen now.

Since Friday, I feel different. Before Friday, I thought I could see a shadow of the girl I feel in love with. I thought she was confused and torn between me and OM. I was stupid. After Friday, I know I can't believe a word she says. I know she doesn't feel anything for me. Boundaries are a joke to her.

If she helps me get the house sold..great. If she does not, I'll figure something out. I can do this. I can treat her like a neighbor.

I was reading in another thread. Sandi2 posted that the STBX needs to be dumped. She's already dumped me, but I feel like I'm dumping her.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Originally Posted By: Closer2
I'm going to do my best to treat this as a business deal. As if I'm flipping a house with a business partner. I know I have to detach more. In the past, she would pull me back with a look, a hug, or brushing against me. She would always lay on my chest and talk to me at night. That made it near impossible. AT least that will not be able to happen now.

Since Friday, I feel different. Before Friday, I thought I could see a shadow of the girl I feel in love with. I thought she was confused and torn between me and OM. I was stupid. After Friday, I know I can't believe a word she says. I know she doesn't feel anything for me. Boundaries are a joke to her.

If she helps me get the house sold..great. If she does not, I'll figure something out. I can do this. I can treat her like a neighbor.

I was reading in another thread. Sandi2 posted that the STBX needs to be dumped. She's already dumped me, but I feel like I'm dumping her.

Closer2,

Again, thank you for posting in my thread. I haven't gone thru your entire thread but I started at the very beginning and have read most of your posts and some of the replies.

Presuming my WAW does not change her mind about the D, we will nost likely have to sell our house, too. It's so sad as she is very creative, it has her personality written all over it.

Please, do not refer to yourself as "stupid." Most of us, whether there is another person involved or not get mixed messages from our leaving spouse. I have fallen for it, too.

You are on the right track by thinking of this as a business deal. I believe thinking of her as a neighbor or co-worker, etc. will be a good step in moving forward. I know...it's very hard to do but you seem like the type of guy who can do it! wink

Take care,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Thanks Bob. I appreciate the reply and words of encouragement. I think I remember you writing about how your wife painted clouds in the MBR. I imagine it is hard with all the personal touches around the house. I wish you, and everyone that has found this website only the best. No one should have to go through what we are going through. All of us that remain dedicated to our families and try so hard to the best we can with a terrible situation should feel good about ourselves. I forget that sometimes.

STBX texted me on her way back from OM's. It's a more than a couple hours drive to OM's. She eventually called and I answered. She burst into tears and told me that she hates the person she has become, is tired of lying, wants to focus on the kids and the house. She told me that she knows I don't believe her and she will show me with her actions. She said she is tired of OM and he has agreed to no contact until the house is sold.

I told her this is hard on all of us. I appreciate her concern and her telling me that she will focus.

Do I believe her? No. Not at all.

I think she has almost hit bottom. She's on her way over to talk and I really don't know what I'm going to say to her.

I have no idea what she wants to talk about and I'm trying hard not to mind read. The only think I want to talk about is selling the house and how the kids are going be taken care of while I'm at work. I would prefer if all the apologizing, crying, etc. that has been coming from her for the past few days would stop. BGP time for her. I'm done with this and she can either help me with the house and the kids or not. It's going to get sold and the kids will be taken care of with our without her.

Ok, I feel better now. Venting here helps. I CAN DO THIS!!!!


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Do not mind read and be careful about reading too much into her one conversation on her drive home from OM. Remember, her life is a roller coaster just as yours is. And it is quite possible she just had an argument or disagreement with OM. It is going to take her much longer to get over OM than just a drive home from his house. Now I am not saying discount everything, just be careful about reading too much into it.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Thanks Pilot, I appreciate the feed back. I have several of your posts and I have learn a lot from reading them.

I only referenced her getting upset not because I hope for R. I don't see an R. If I did, I would be very cautious and I know it would take much, much more than a couple of tears.

I mentioned it because I think she may have hit bottom. Maybe not rock bottom, but she's close. I would like to see that happen not for R, but so she can be focused on selling this house.

I want to move on. To do that, I need to make sure that:
1. The kids are taken care of while I'm at work.
2. This house gets sold.

I do not want to live here. Too many memories and it's over an hour from my office. I know it seems like R is what I'm hoping for, but it's not. I'm truly hoping to get through this D and just be done.

This is definitely a 180 from how I felt a week ago. I don't have the anxiety or nervousness I had when I was hoping to R. I feel very determined and driven to move on. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Just I'm going to be an awesome father and sell this house guy.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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