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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558217&page=1

I know it is now time to detach as much as possible, go dark as dark as I can with my H still in our house, to really see my H as my room mate and s14 father, to see this with my heart.

I need this for me, I have DB I have prayed, I have GAL, I have had IC, I have worked on me.

I need the space mentally to free myself from this emotional prison.

I will try belly dancing, I will lose weight, I will keep my son and myself as my primary focus. I will continue to pray, DB and GAL.

I will not be as available to my H as I have been. I will not be the go between for H and his family. I will pass a message and be done with that! If H calls my cell and don't leave a message I will assume it was not important, so I will NOT rush to return the call. I will try to stop texting H at all, I was texting information about family or house hold things, but I think Id rather leave a note, (like I would a room mate). I have no plans to call his cell or call him at home unless it is a 911 situation.

Sex, not sure how I will handle that,,I don't plan to initate, but I don't know if I will continue to have sex with my H.

When we are home together, I will of course be pleasant, will have conversations with him, when he starts them.

I will try to be away as much as I can when he is home, his work shifts make it easy to do this.

Timeframe, I really want to be able to make a decision by end of this year, that is the timeframe in my head. A decision to stay because things are improving, or a decision to leave because I have had enough, maybe not a D, but a separation if no true visible improvements by end of year.

And the Monday family movie nights, I will have some meetings that I have not gone to on Monday's to be home, I will get back to attending those meetings monthly. I will also accept friends invites for dinner etc on Monday's something I had avoided so I could be home.

Been invited to a Monday night bowling, I may have to really think about taking up that option.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2BHappy, sounds like a great plan! You can do it!

As for sex… I would see how it goes. See how you feel about it. Just don’t put too much expectations and don’t get attached.

I’ve done belly dance. It is fun! I also turn the music very loud and dance in the house. Well, there is nobody else, except myself and my dog in the house, so it is very easy to do whenever I feel like it. It might not be convenient for you with your son and H living in the same house. How about walks? You can just go for a walk around your neighborhood.

I totally get it about stress eating… Guilty of this too… Good thing that I get scarred and limit my food intake for a while. The good thing is I don’t gain more weight, but I cannot drop it either. It must be my age too…

So, how about this. When you stress-eat too much, go on the walk. And more you eat, the longer walk it has to be. Can you do this?

2B, I see so much hope in your situation. You just need to turn the tide in your favor. Detach! And do things that are fun for you! You can do whatever you want right now! Before you get back into a committed marriage where you will have to take your H’s interests into consideration, LOL.


M:50
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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2BHappy. Oh boy, do I feel your pain. Living with your MLC'er is not fun! It is extremely difficult to detach well when living in the same house, interacting day to day, really hard. I can't even imagine adding sex to the mix. My H hasn't touched me in a year and a half. But I can relate to your frustration.

You need to do what is best for you. Speaking only for my own situation, I wasn't truly able to detach and have peace until H left, as I am sure you know from checking in with me smile For my H, I think the smartest thing he has done in 20 months was leave! I love him for it, because I think we both knew he needed to do this in order to work through his issues. However, I was not strong enough to boot him, he made the choice to leave on his own, and did me the biggest favor ever.

It is not easy what you are going through. Your feelings are completely legitimate. Listen to Job's advice, she is one smart cookie. Find things to keep yourself busy. One thing that also helps to ground me is yoga. It's amazing relaxation. Also, spiritual readings. I myself like to read Buddha quotes. Compassion, patience and unconditional love all come into play here in a big way. Think about your vows. Your H is mentally sick right now. He needs his time and space. Give that to him, live your life happily with no expectations from him, and down the road, check in with yourself to see what your next step should be.

Also please remember, this is not about you. It is way deeper than that. Don't take his actions personal. If it was truly about you and your marriage, he would be gone by now. Right?

You can do this smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Happy,
Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking and have come up w/some plans for you and your son. Please listen to the ladies that have posted to you. Living w/a mlcer is very difficult and yes, it gets to be a very frustrating time for your the spouse. It's important that you find your balance and take care of yourself.

I see you've been invited to go bowling. That's another activity that will get you out and about w/other people. I think you would enjoy that.

Let me say this, I think you are a very independent and determined woman and when you are ready to drop the weight, you'll do it.

Come here to vent. We are always here and will be happy to listen. Please do not be hard on yourself. You've been trying very hard and sometimes, we just have to drop the rope and live our lives to the fullest. Fear of the unknown tends to raise its ugly here every now and then and that's when we tend to stall along the path because we don't know what the future holds. You can do all of the right things and still nothing changes and the same applies to not doing them too. That's why it's important to try different things to see what will work for you and your situation.

Try not to compare your situation w/others. Even though many of the situations have similar traits, each situation is different because of the personalities of those involved, children, jobs, etc. Take away only those things that will help you and leave the rest behind.

Happy, you are doing great. Try not to allow the bumps in the road to discourage you. Okay?

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Bright, M4 and Job

Thanks so very much for support and advice.

I will take more time to focus on me to basically ignore H issues as much as I can.

S14, job, my mom, friends and family are enough to keep me busy.

I do think I will join in for the bowling on a couple Monday's a month, and attend meetings with football club one Monday a month, my triggers tend to happen on Monday when H is home and on the weekends when I have more time on my hand.

So I will stay busy.

Came home today from hair apt, H said your hair looks good, you got it highlighted,,I was like yes last year.

H is being extra talkative today since I ignored his "before he goes to work call" yesterday. And keeping to myself as much as possible while home until he goes to work.

Anyway,,,focus on me, Come here to vent instead of eat, hopefully I can also help others as they deal with this mess.

Have a great weekend everyone.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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So I did not expect a "test" of my new plans so very soon.

H advised me today that he might have a party for the Mayweather fight. He said he did not know if he felt like watching it with a bunch of people (talking about my friends who invited us over to watch). I ask him "won't you be at work" he said he is trying to work on that. And that SS's and one of H's good friends from out of town might come up to watch the fight with us.

I was thinking where did all this come from, when I invited him by text message he never replied.

S14 heard this conversation and said to me "why is dad getting the fight" he usually does not care about these fights?

I told S14 I had no idea and that now I would need to decide where to watch the fight...

S14 said to me, Mom you already have plans to watch with your friends, just because dad is thinking about getting the fight does not mean you have to change your plans"

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.

I told s14, it depends and I would make up my mind once H knows for sure what he plans to do. s14 told me "mom you always makes decisions choses based on what we need, he told me to watch the fight where I want to watch the fight", s14 told me Dad knew 2 weeks ago you planned to watch with friends, now he wants to make plans to watch at home. WOW WOW WOW...

Trying to look at this another way, true H usually cares nothing about watching the fights, so maybe he is doing this because he knows I enjoy watching them. OR maybe he just doing this to stop my plans for watching with friends.

At this point, I know I will have more fun watching with friends, since other women will also be there, women who enjoy the fights as much as me. here at home, there would be no women unless I invited some friends over. I do have a couple who was NOT going to the other friends house because they have large dogs.

Do I keep my org plans regardless of what H decides to do...decisions...decisions...

Now I will be more comfortable at home, and will not have to worry about juggling to see the TV, or have a good seat,,


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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You don't have to make a decision today...but you did make plans to watch the fight w/friends. At some point, once you know what he's doing, you can decide.

I'm going to share w/you what I would do, but that doesn't mean you should do it....I would continue on w/my plans as they are already set up.

What he may or may not do at this time is on him and you certainly can't rely on him to get the time off or have things ready to go. He may very well be planning on you taking care of everything for him...now, that would be a hoot because you just might have leave it all to him to do. Mom, if your man/child manages to pull this off, I think you owe it to yourself to have a night out w/your friends and leave him to his. Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well,,I guess I need to tighten my belt, and put on a helmet cause the roller coaster is speeding up.

I will try to give short version and not leave out important details,,,cause I need feedback and support as always.

H mention houses selling again in our area and that we (I) should look into forclosed houses larger but for the same money as our house, sale our house and move into a bigger one.

I remind him of his IRS issues and the risk of a lien being placed on a new home or refi this home (something a couple weeks ago he did not want to risk).

He then tells me he is working on IRS debt and has filed this year taxes.

WTF, I always files his taxes, I ask him how did he file, he said SS34 file it online late at night on tax deadline and it was too late to call me...

BULL S...

So I said did you file married filing separately,,,he said Yes, I said you put my name and SS#, here came the blank stare and then then blame on me..

He said he did not put my name and took standard deductions,,,

So filed totally different then I did. RED FLAG

I told him we might get our taxes flagged,,and walked away pissed off

He followed, now he is angry and trying to find some blame onto me somehow.

H also told me he would have more money if he did not give me soo much each month, I said 1/2 the MTG and bills is that what you talking about..he said Yes, I said when I pay 1/2 the bills here is that money I'm giving to you, another blank stare.

I told him has to pay to live somewhere, he said not this much I told him if he wants to leave and pay less somewhere he can go, another blank stare.



He finally apologized said he was wrong and now he realizes he should have talked to me first.

Said he did not know why I had attitude over this, I told him to lets stop talking we both said what we needed about the subject.

NOPE

He leaves for work and starts to call on phone, I let off a lil steam and told him this is just one more thing, and I was getting real tired, of it all, the not being my husband etc...

I ask him do you want to be M and he needs to think really hard on that, cause Im TIRED and this is not what I want anymore!!!

He said other things before he left, that I don't even feel like its important enough to post,,

Now I know I have grown thru this whole F UP process, no tears, no raised voice, and right now I'm not all worked up and upset or worried about this M!!!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
You have every right to be furious about the taxes. Both of you are living under the same roof and generally when that happens, people do talk to one another about the taxes and how to file. Something just doesn't sit right about what he's done. I think you need to be looking into this matter because you do not want your return to be red flagged. I can't even imagine SS34 doing the filing for him and it being too late to call. It really does sound like a bunch of BS.

Why put any blame on you? You aren't the one that filed at the last minute.

Oh, poor baby...has to cough up his share of the money to help pay the bills, purchase food, etc. while living under the same roof. He's got it made right now. If he thinks he's coughing up a lot of money now, just wait until he has to pay rent and his other bills...that man is in for a rude awakening.

Happy, this man is very anxious to sell and move. I can't help but think that if you sell, he then would want his half and move on to La La Land. My xh was just like your h in wanting to see and move to a different location w/a much larger home. Had I agreed to it, it would never have happened. Why? Because motor mouth told his mother what his plans were and she called me and told me what he was doing. Not a happy camper...but I stood my ground and kept my home. You sell when you are ready, not one minute before that. You don't know what he's going to do and quite frankly, I'm starting to sense some red flags are going to begin popping up.

About the IRS situation, have you seen anything where he's "been working on it"? Is he just spouting off to make you think he's doing something about it? Again, something to look into because I don't think he's done much if he's crying the blues about paying his share of the bills.

Happy, you stood your ground and told him what you thought. Now, he's got to figure things out. You've opened the door and it's up to him to either shut up, work on the marriage or hit the pavement running.

I'm proud of you. Don't allow him to bring you down, emotionally, mentally or financially.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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One question...did you advise him when you filed? If you didn't, maybe he thought he didn't have to tell you since you didn't tell him.

I definitely would check some of those issues out because something just doesn't sound 100% true to me....but you know you h better than we do.

Breathe! Stay calm!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I don't know how I should or can go about looking into his filed return? I filed mine the correct way, already have my refund back, if the IRS contacts me I will deal with it, I have nothing to hide. It's H who should be worried about having his taxes flagged!

I told him if we (I) sale this house then it would be to move into an apartment, his response was a nice apartment would cost as much as a MTG and he was thinking about a nice larger home. I told him when he finds this home let me know.

SS34 does everything very last minute, so I can see him doing his own taxes last minute. H may have had SS34 or someone else do it for him, who ever it was NOT filed correctly.

H called AGAIN and said he realizes he may have really messed up with the way he filed, said that when he takes all his information to the tax attorney he will make sure to point this return out so it can be corrected. Said we will talk about this more later on, I told him what else is there to say?

H is a mess with this tax issue. I have not seen any thing to show me that is he working on his tax issue.

He did tell me he has 10 exemptions on his payroll so basically no money is being taken from check for taxes.

It's really sad, I hope for his sake he really takes care of this IRS debt ASAP.

I told him I believe he is hiding stuff from me, and that he does not have to. I told him it is very very clear that we both want different things and this filing taxes without talking to me first is just another example. I told him that I'm TIRED Of all this BS.


He was trying to divert from his mess when he was blaming me for other things, I stopped that right away, told him to stay on track about what we are talking about now.

TRIED to avoid a M or R talk, but he keep digging at me, keep talking even though I tried to avoid it.

I hope this IRS stuff does not cause any issues for me, the previous tax debt was before we married and once we married I always filed our taxes, married filing separately and made sure I followed all the rules.

BUT now this return has been filed incorrectly and we are married, even though I know he did not include my name or ss# and I believe he filed single.

I have no idea why he did this, he never gets any money back even when due a refund it is kept to offset pass debt, so why even take the risk this time?

I'm going to try my best to stay on track with my plans, which was to go darker, detach more and allow H even more space to work on him self.

Any things H is doing or hiding will surface., I will be ready.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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We both know that you h should change his exemptions so that he doesn't have to pay so much at the end of the year. Ten exemptions is a lot to claim. He needs to drop it down to just one or two. He will then have funds coming out for his taxes during the year and it won't bite him as badly at the end of the year. He sounds like he's really worried now about his tax filing, as well he should be. He's got a lot to straighten out and hopefully the IRS will not bring you into the mess.

There are three ideas that come to my mind: 1) he didn't think when he filed and just went w/whatever the preparer suggested; or 2)he considers himself single (mlc land) even though you two are still living under the same roof; and 3) he didn't want you to know what he was doing. Any way you slice it, it is going to come back to bite him.

Do you need a larger home or is this a dream of his? Does he not like the home or the area?

Try to stay on track and allow him to stew over his mess. He's going to want to talk to you about it...but there's nothing you can do for him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Job,

Nope we dont really need a bigger house, a bigger house would only be a want. And its something H even wanted when I purchased the house we have now, H always saw this house as a starter home.

Job, H said he was not thinking and he just filed cause it was deadline and he did not want to bother me with it. H said he did not think he just did it.

H called several more times from work, I only answer 2x cause I was very tired of the phone ringing. H again said he was sorry for not discussing with me first. The next call said he "just wanted to make sure I was ok" I said yeah I'm OK and told him to be careful at work.
NO sense in letting him know how I'm really thinking right now, no sense in showing him the cards I may need to play. He is making choices and moves like he is a single man, then I need to get even more prepared for the VERY real possibility that I may soon be a single woman

This reaction from H is making me even more suspicions, he does appear to be sorry and now very concerned about what might happen with his taxes.

But I wonder if there is something else that he is worried about, could he be worried about me telling him that I'm tired of all of this, or is he hiding something even bigger then the filing of his taxes?

Either way I know now to be even more prepared for what ever might turn up.

I need to NOT keep talking to him right now about anything even close to our M or R, I'm not sure what I might end up saying.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
I'm very sorry about what happened and I do hope that his situation will not affect you. I think you've handled things quite well.

I do hope this week will be a better one for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Thanks Job,

I have also just this am reached out to a friend who knows alot about taxes, my friend works in commerical taxes now, to just get a feel for what I may need to be prepared for. I think I know the possible outcomes but I figure to run it by her to see if there is anything that I could be missing.

I have already done my research on if we D, and I think I will be prepared in that situation.

I'm going to remove some money from my savings and pay off my car, it will still leave me with emergency cash , I also dont want money sitting in my savings acct in case the IRS gets someway to put my H's tax debt on me, wondering if I need to pull all my money from savings until H works out this IRS issue and or I know I will not be responsible in any way for his tax debts!

I have been sooo very careful with filing of our taxes since we been married, and now I do not want to have any issues because of this!!!

Anyone here who works with Taxes, state or IRS and or know what I should prepare for, please let me know. Or had something like this happen and what they had to do?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Frantic calls from H

The newest grandbaby was born last night, I had been receiving updates and pictures from SS34 and GF all night early morning. Baby and Mom are both healthy!!

H seemed surprised that I alredy knew the baby had arrived and was shocked I had pictures already. H had forwarded me a picture I responded back I know and sent him some pictures. H said who sent you them pictures I told him I was included on the org text with all the other family members. And then the mom sent me more pictures directly to me.

He then wanted to again go over what we had gotten or was getting for the baby, I told him I got the couple outfits as agreed (we talked about this in March)and he was supposed to get diapers- NOT, so he was like can you please get the diapers,,and wanted to get a couple more outfits etc.


He then needed to know AGAIN what hospital and the GF last name so he could maybe stop by on his way to work IF he can get his car washed first (WTF).

I really really wanted to tell him I had no idea of the last name, or hospital, but I went ahead and told him.

He then started in on what did they need, I told him CALL YOUR SON AND ASK HIM, I have no idea what they need or want for the baby!!!

I told him AFTER he talks to SS34 about what they still need or want, then to send me a text and I will be happy to pick the items up.

He wanted me to go to hospital, I guess as his representative, I told him I was not (I already told GF & SS34 that I would see the baby once they came home. I told H hope he finds time to go to hospital, he very quickly got off the phone.

WTF


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I had to shake my head on one thing he told you. What does washing the car have to do with visiting the GF and newborn? They certainly won't be seeing the car today. LOL! You can see where his priorities are.

It's nice that you are going to help him out and get the diapers and a couple of more outfits. His son and GF will appreciate them.

He really is helpless, isn't he? He can't even go to the store and purchase things for this little baby. It's more important to wash his car and do whatever he wants. Shame on him!

I'm glad the mother and baby are doing well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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I also laughed at the car washing response. I have heard similar weirdness from H. A few times now, he has TM to see if it was a good time to talk to S. I will respond yes, and he has said, ok, gotta use the bathroom real quick, then I will call. This has happened more than once! Lol. They really are in a different world. I guess we just have to laugh and shake it off smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Job, M4

H has an obsession with washing his car, always had.
So it was not a huge surprise to me, but becuase he was focused on washing the car and then only then going to see new baby IF he had time, that was the crazy part to me.

History: H grew up very poor and as an adult always felt like his appearance, his car, his home is a refection on him (in some ways this is true for everyone) but H really obsesses on this and always had. Has always gone out of his way to make sure he dressed and looked his best, usually very neat around the house, keeps his car clean always. I hope now he is working on his INSIDES.

H did go see baby, he had SS's GF take 2 pictures and text to me with him holding the baby and get this H had a lil smile on his face.

fast forward to 2am this morning, H comes home from work and wakes me up to tell me he went to see the baby (now I know he had GF take and send me the pics) I told him I know and that was very nice, he then wanted to talk about the items we were getting the baby,,,he then lingered at end of bed like something else was on his mind, something he wanted to say,,,or maybe that was just me in my "why the heck did you wake me at 2am when I have to get up at 5am to tell me something I already know" mind.

I feel like there is a shift happening, and it's either being caused by how Im reacting to H, or H moving into another phase or maybe a lil of both. I do notice something cannot put my finger right on it...

Now when something happens that I do not like and I let H know he is very apologetic (after BD, MY thoughts or feelings would have been totally ignore.

H also seems calmer, not wearing as much tension or stress on his face (other then this last issue with the filing of taxes). BUT I did noticed in the text picture sent, H looks much older.

I think, maybe H may be "feeling" more guilt about things, and he does kinda respond like he is a child whoes mother is upset with him.

I know I have been acting some as his mother before and after BD, and I'm working on that going forward, especially since Im detaching more and NOT jumping in to save him.

Job, Vets, anyone...is this the possibility of a new phase H is moving into, and if so what should I be on the look out for, I need to be as prepared as possible.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
I am glad to read that he went to see the GF and the baby. I'm sure his car looked great too! LOL! Maybe he had to wake you up to tell you about the visit because he not only wanted to share the news w/you, but also get an "atta boy" pat on the back for going. Whatever the reason, I'm glad he went.

What you may be sensing is his reaction to the changes you are making or maybe things in his life have calmed down. I wouldn't worry too much about it because tomorrow he could return to the tense version of himself. There is no way to prepare yourself at this time for any changes that he makes because no one knows what he'll do or say next.

Best advice I can give you right now is to stay the course, continue working on you and keeping moving forward. Oh, yeah, my favorite...keep the focus on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yes always trying to keep the focus on me.

I let H know in advance that I will continue with my plans for the fight parties (I actually have like 4 party invites).

H seemed a lil surprised and ask me what about s14 if H does not get fight at home, I told him S14 would be able to go with me, some invites I can take s14.

H said he might still have the party at home for his sons and friend. I told him that would be great, I know they will have a great time.

I did tell him I MIGHT come home for the main event (ss34 and GF and new baby may come), but would watch the other fights with friends, and If I do watch main event at home, once its over will head to another friends for her fight after party...it will be a long fun night next weekend


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Well I'll Be ,,,,craziness

SO you know how when you got something in the back of your mind and something happens that has nothing to do with the thing in back of your mind,,,brings the back of the mind stuff directly to the front...

Dr apt today, did not go as a I planned, tests that I did not think would occur.

I come home, H is here ask about my apt and BAM to the front it comes.

I told him about apt, told H if I was to be really sick who would take care of me!!!

He said he would and look at me, like he was hurt, said he would take care of me even if he had moved across the world and had married 3 other wives etc..

I told him I dont want no more of this R, dont want his obligation, told him I want and deserved to be loved by a man the way I want to be loved and that he was no longer that Man!!!

Told him that his guilt or obligation has me and him both stuck in something we dont want to be in!

Then H starts to talk about the years I was a WAS and ask me if I knew what I wanted, if I was sure, what was going on in my mind at that time...

I told him I did not know, and again I apologized, but again told him I dont want to be in this type of R anymore, told him I'd rather take my chances,,

H told me, now Im back but was away from him a very long time.

H said he was trying to come to term with everything. I have no idea what this means.

Oh before all this started H had initated sex, once the talk was over I ask if he stil wanted to, he said no not now,,I said why not its just sex, he was like you just told me how you felt, I said its not like we ML its sex so why not still have it,

H said whenever he is with me its ML, I told him I cannot tell, I said how can you ignore someone emotionally and mentally , no loving touches, not being in a real R, then have sex and thinks it ML I told him not to me, we just have sex!

I told H this is not what I want, told him not with him, told him I loved him and if this is all he has, I dont want it.

H said he does not do things out of obligation, he does things cause he wants to, and it rights and he is loyal.

WTF, I said when I was a WAS you had other outlets, other women,,he did not deny (he cannot deny this) but said he did not always have an outlet he did whatever he could to get my attention to try and make me happy, said he waited and waited for me to love him back.

I said so now what, I apologized Ive change, so now what..

H said again that he held on, he waited he never gave up or threw in the towel and he has not now, that he is still here trying and that I now want to give up, to throw in the towel.

OMGoodness I ddid not mean to have any talks, I did not mean to say anything.

I don't know what is next, what is going to happen now.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 04/23/15 05:51 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Breathe!

Now that you've said what is on your mind, step back and sit quietly. You've given your h a lot to digest. The ball is in his court as to who makes the next move.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Deep calm in and out. Woosaa

H called from work to tell me he hears me is paying attention to what Im saying..

Then he tells me he is signing up for all the OT he can get so he can pau for the rhings I want fixed around the house....

This will end up someway blamed on me...

I hope he is really thinking about what I said today.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Hang in there Happy! You can do it:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Soo H texted then called me about what was his income last year on his taxes. I texted that I dont know, I printed off his copy last year and gave to him. H then called and said he was trying to see his credit report and needed this information and that he is going to work with a credit repair company to get his credit issues resolved.

I told him I would look for the tax copy once I get home. I wanted to tell him that he really does not need to use a credit repair company, but since he did not ask my opinion and I dont want to be his mom, I just kept my mouth SHUT.

Its good but interesting that he is now also wanting to repair his credit.

Could his wanting to repair credit issues and his tax debt be a sign of him "growing" trying to fix stuff? His credit issues and tax issues he has ignored for YEARS.

Could this be a good sign? I know it could also be part of his escape plan, but either way its something he needs to resolve.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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You can look at his wanting to repair his credit in two ways: 1) he's finally realizing that you do not want the IRS to come after you and garnish things that have your name on them, i.e., refund, savings, checking, etc.; or 2) he realizes that he can't make it on his own if his credit is a mess, so he wants to get it cleaned up before moving on w/his life.

To be honest, it could be either choice. So, I would sit back and watch the parade zooming by and just wait and see.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I want it resolve/fixed I do not want IRS after me, all the research I have done shows I should not have to worry.
always separate bank accts, mever filed taxes together, always married filing separately.

H needs it fixed either way more for himself.

Option 2, Im as prepared as I can be.

I did not look for his tax info today...did not feel like it, he needs to find it himself.
I will look for it when i feel like it.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I provided H his income, for the taxes in 2013, but I think what he is asking for is 2014, which is the taxes he filed with ss34.

I just left the information, did not ask any more questions or try to clarify which year did you really want? (Not being his mother)

H decided finally NOT to get the Mayweather fight, he was actually going to get it and go to work, when I told him AGAIN I have plans and S14 and I have places we can watch...then yesterday he heard me on phone discussing plans with my GF, he in a huff said "I'm not getting the fight here at home, I can watch it after work with some friends if I get off in time,,,and I see you have many other options anyway" DUH I told you that 1 week ago...


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Yes, you did tell him that you had plans...but he forgot or he thought you would change your mind and stay at the house. Now, that he's heard you talking of your plans, he's pouting. Poor baby.

Go and have fun.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Had a great time at the 2 fight parties s14 and I attended.

Couple things I noticed about H, he seems to be more intuned with me, like I was sick yesterday and he showed concerned, ask me how I felt several times even this morning. This is a positive change?

Also been having more knee problems, H purchase a knee brace for me left it on counter with a note, it did not fit, H went right back and got the next size for me to try, was also making suggestions about Dr's I need to see about my knee. Another change.

I think he is showing more concern for me and my well being then he has in a while? Not reading too much into it, just making an observation, while trying not to miss positive signs?

BUT, H also made some comments about my GAL's in a negative way. Once again he made the comment that I always have plans. This came up again probably because of my fight party events, and he over heard me yesterday talking about todays Cinco De Mayo plans with my friends, and after he over heard my plans S14 ask me to take him to barber today, and I said I will have to take you Wed I have plans for Tuesday....H was said to s14. Mom has plans!

H was like what are you doing,,, I told him, he was like where, I told him, he was like with who..I told him. I tried to ignore all these questions and redirect the conversation, but H keep coming back to it. when I said what do you want me to do, just sit in this house and wilt away and die,,,I told him I was a flower blooming...LOL

Told him I'd rather be doing other things,,,just hinted with him, but that I would not be sitting around doing NOTHING!

Some days, I feel like I can "stand" forever, some days I feel like "I'm done".


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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A flower blooming -------Love it!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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A flower blooming...well said. Sounds like he's noticing that you are a busy bee these days and feels left out...well, the old boy could ask you out or suggest doing something together...but he's not there yet. Poor man!

I think you've finally figured out how to live your life to the fullest and it sounds like you are having a wonderful time doing so. Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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2B- you sound great. I think you are doing an awesome job. And, deny it all he wants... I think your h does, too. Just keep on doing you! It's fan...tas..tic!

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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Some days, I feel like I can "stand" forever, some days I feel like "I'm done".
I can relate…

2BHappy, you are doing great! I agree with Job, your H is noticing… but he has to catch up with you… Keep on keeping on!


M:50
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Meligh4, Job, Mighty, BrightFuture

Thank you all for your support, and encouragement.

I will continue on my path, and pray H catches up. BUT if not,,,I know I will be great.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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So, I normally get the holiday, birthday cards for my H to give his family.

He usually ask me at last minute "oh can you pick up card for so and so..." Just happen for BIL april bday.

Mother's day H usually send cards to his Sisters and daughter (cards I usually pick up for him).

He has not yet mentioned the mother's day cards...I have 2 for his sisters, could get one for his daughter and leave out on the table for H to sign, then I send them off.

BUT in the spirit of not trying to be H mom, and NOT being his fixer, and wanting him to feel a little of what life would be like without me (while still living together) AND the whole DBing...

I have already sent out a Mother's day card to 1 SIL from myself, we are very very close and always exchange cards.

The other SIL, we are NOT close. SD we are not close like at all either, and dont exchnage cards, but we do call each other and wish happy mothers day.

Well all that to say, should I leave the cards out, pick up another card for SD. OR wait and see if H even ask me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Surely he knows that Mother's Day is this Sunday, i.e., advertisements are all over the place about it. I wouldn't say a word and let him figure it out. If he wants to send cards to them, he can pick them up and put them in the mail.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job, that is what my mind was telling me, but was heart was saying "awww...leave the card so H can send to his sisters and daughter"

But, our R our M is no longer in that place right now, and I need to stop being a FIXER.

Back to planning weekend with my Mom and S14:)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
If you would feel better about leaving the card out, then do so. You are truly the only one that can determine what you will and will not do for your h.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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I'm trying to keep my emotions out of this as much as possible.

So even though I feel like I want to leave the cards for H to send. My mind tells me "forget that, let him figure it out"


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Another example for new improved better ME

S14 left item at home he needed for presentation.
H is home sleep
I told S14 contact your dad, he will need to bring it.
H is/was not happy , so I told H, look s14 forgot, it happens, you are home, you need to take it to school.

The old me, would have been worried panic and having a fit!

I was calm with both s14 and H.

I did not allow H to draw me into an argument about s14 forgetting or about H losing sleep and needing to get up to take item to school.

I did not fuss at s14 about leaving the item for his presentation, no need to do that now, s14 was already panic that he would not have it for his presentation. I will talk calmly to s14 once home about being more prepared in the future.

I have been really working on my reactions and my communication with my family.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I think you did an excellent job communicating w/your son and your h. Your h was home, therefore, he was available to help your son out. This happened just the once and hopefully your son will do better in remembering his work.


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Wondering if anyone has advice on how to respond to MCLer still having affair when they said it was over? Also, H just didn't bother to come home last night. Assume with OW. Again, is there a recommended response?


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BW05,
I'm going to respond to your posting on your thread over in Newcomers.


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Thanks Job.


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Updates:

H did not ask me about Mother's day cards for his sisters, I did not offer.

H went out to purchase me an outfit he picked out for Mother's day- this was a change because he HATES shopping. He was asking me day before, what I wanted, I told him "don't worry" about it, he told me I was a great mom and deserved a gift.

Granddaughter bday this weekend, I ask H about how much he wanted to spend on a gift, he started getting huffy, so I told him nevermind dont worry about it. I went out and got a gift myself.

Sooo,,,when I realiazed I forgot grandson bday which was yesterday...

I did NOT remind H, but I did contact SD & grandson (felt a little guilty about not reminding H, I MIGHT remmind him today)

H has been sleeping in the basement again: here are some reasons he has given, he will say these things in passing when I'm leaving for work and he is on his way into bedroom (I HAVE NOT ask)"you keep it too cold in the room", "I like to sleep with TV on", "I have a bad tooth ache, going to sleep in lounger". H has been back in the basement for about 2 weeks now, not each day, but when he does come to bedroom its like 4am. No comments made from me to him, just an observation I'm making here.

On the weekends he comes to bed a little earlier like 2am.

Now he does work 2nd shift gets home around 12:30/1am, then eats and watches TV in basement?

Update on Me:
I'm doing better, still working hard on losing this weigh I gained by stress eating!!!!
S14 is doing great, ready for summer break.

I'm still TIRED of this mess, but keeping my mouth shut and focused on me and s14. Looking forward to summer.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
The second shift is a difficult one and maybe he has to have some time to unwind, but the excuses are weak to me. If he's afraid of waking you up, then he should say so...but like kids, they don't know how to be honest and say the proper things. At this point, no one knows what is going on in his head. He may feel that he's getting to close to you again and wants some distance between you for a bit. Time will tell and he will eventually tell you what's going on down in that man cave.

Well, he did go out and do some Mother's Day shopping. I'm impressed! He's sputtering along...but at least he did do something he really hates to do...shopping.

I know you are tired of the situation, but it took a long time for him to implode and it's going to take time for him to heal and get back to living in the here and now. You are doing all of the right things by living your life and moving forward. You are giving him the much needed space and time to figure things out.

I'm sure your S14 is ready for summer. What are his plans for the break?

Happy, you are doing great. Keep your eyes on the finish line.


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Hey Job,

Yeah I'm hanging in and keeping focus on me. I struggle with feeling lonely for male companionship, but I PRAY & GAL to get thru that.

S14 has football camp plans, and football conditioning. And of course XBOX, and basketball this summer. He is just very ready for 9th grade to be over:)
Trying to direct him to earning some money cutting grass for neighbors, and or working with a cleaning business.

We have family coming up for memorial day S14 and I are excited about that.

I also do not like all the questions from family gatherings when H is not there, usually now due to work, but that gets old to always have to say H is at work.

Wedding in July out of town.

Need to figure out what s14 wants to do for his 15th birthday:)

I'm planning to have a weekend of all the grandkids over to hang out, watch movies, visit zoo etc. Celebrate all the birthdays at once with cake and ice cream. I know I will enjoy it and soo will the kids.

I will tell H, but I will not allow entertain any excuses, H does not have to particiapte, this is something I want to do for the grandkids and myself.

I have home repairs plan for the summer, getting estimates and doing some of the work myself. Not waiting until H is ready, moving forward on these needed updates/repairs myself. Also prepared to pay for what I can without H help, I will tell him cost and if he contributes he does if not, I will budget for and get things done when I can.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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OK
So I remind H that it was grandson bday yesterday, H says Yes I know and I called him yesterday.

Then he forwards me a voice message from grandson telling us he loved us and thanks for calling.

SO this man knew (which is good, not sure if someone else told him) BUT what has me a little hot is that he did not tell me, and I wonder if he was going to share the voice mail if I had not said anything to him.

Now I know I did not tell him, but for reasons of DBing and not trying to be his mom and giving him his space,,,

why the hell did he not tell me.

LOL, how crazy and funny this all really is, I have to LOL to not scream yell and cry!!!!!

BACK to the dark, where its safe and quiet and drama free! I feel like I stuck my head out for a second and BAM got hit!

YES, I'm mad. I remind him of things related to family, and he did not even say a word about the call to grandson, and I dont know if he promised a gift or sent one already.

I do know I keep my cool when he said he already knew, and H paused for a while like I was going to say something, but I did not, I said oh good and got off the phone.

When he forwarded me the voice mail, I did not reply to H.

That was MY voicemail from the contact I made to SD and grandson, they were calling ME back from my message I left them.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 05/14/15 04:10 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Got home yesterday and H had left a workout DVD that he overheard me talking about, telling my friend I was going to get it. H got it for me, left on table no note or anything just the DVD. That was nice

Last night H slept in the bed all night, did not even fall asleep in basement, came right to bed after work.

Then today before he goes to work he ask me to pick up a gift for granddaughter to go with the gift I already got her.

He ask me if I got the forwarded voice mail from grandson I said yes and thanks for sending it.
He then told me he would be sending grandson a card with money this weekend.

Roller coaster UP, tighten seat belt!!!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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My H reminds me of a ROBOT just going thru the motions of life.

He is really miserable, work, sleep and eat, and complain that is his day. Watch movies, wash his car, those are his activities.

Yesterday he was on a complain all day mission,,I just told him I was praying for him, told him I was worried about him. He was UP all night tossing, turning after working a double the day before. I validated his complaints. I got a lil frustrated when he was nit picking on S14 about football, but I just listened and try to add in encouragement to S14 (to offset the negativity).

H's energy was very draining yesterday, then all night tossing and turning.

Roller coster- DOWN- tighten seat belts- (hard to breath)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Sounds like the depression and possibly guilt are eating at him.

You handled the situation well and I do hope he feels better very soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sometimes I wonder what phase of MLC my H is in?
Sometimes I wonder if H is even having a MLC?
Often I know H is very comfortable in our current situation.
Sometimes I'm ready to throw in the towel, lose the fight but save ME.

I think I hold on to the it's a MLC because that makes it easier for me to "deal" with the neglect of our M, the no wearing of his ring", the OW, the "ILYBNILWY", "the I dont know what I want", it allows me to "put my needs" as it relates to my wants/needs from my H ON HOLD.

BUT what if this is NOT a MLC, what if my H is just a selfish, cheating A hole! WHAT if this is just my H wanting his cake and eating it to, wanting the outside world to NOT see him leave another family (he left a GF and his S6 over 20 years ago), PRETENDING, too lazy to leave our home, not wanting to start over at 52. If this is not a MLC what in the hell am I waiting on? Him to decide this R is worth it, Him to decide I'm more then worth it.

HMMMMMM,,,,it's getting easier and easier to NOT really care and to secure/review/implement my preparations for the day when this M is really really OVER!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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MLC is just a label that is used for bad, selfish behavior. If you notice, we give pretty much the same advice to the walk away situations as we do the MLC situations.

What if it's not a MLC? Would you do anything differently? You've been w/him for a long time...was he always like he is now? If so, why now are you questioning his behavior? If he's not been this way his entire married life w/you, then there has to be something that's clicked to create the situation in his life. An internal crisis is like no other and it takes time to sort out...so what would you have done differently had this not come along?

You, and only you, can decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. You are the one that finally makes the decision as to whether it's worth saving and eventually reconciling into a new marriage. You will know when you've had enough...but it's not today or tomorrow or next week. How do I know that? Because you are still questioning what is going on and deep down, I know you are committed to fighting for your marriage w/your entire being. If and when the time comes to end it, you will be able to say that you've fought the battle and did everything you could to save the marriage. Until then...live your life as if today is the last day of your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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H was not always like this! If this had not happen,I don't think I would have made the changes I made for myself.

I want to be done, does that make sense?

I wish deep down I was ready to throw in the towel and move on!

I'm tired of this broken Marriage.

I wonder if it's the "fixer" in me that is still trying, standing.

The woman in me, does not want to waste any more time with a Man who does not want me!

Sometimes emotionally I believe it would be easier if H just left, but then I'm not sure?

Ok, I can tell I'm struggling right now, need to get back to ME, Got tons of GAL's this weekend, family coming up for Holiday.

Here is info (trying to not only post the negative)

H actually had planned to attend family memorial day cookout this year, that is usually on Monday, but this year moved to Sunday. H had made sure to not work OT on Monday to be able to attend, signed up for OT on Sunday instead. Wish he had check with me in advance, my family loves him and would have been glad to see him. Now he wants us to maybe also have a cookout on Monday. If he plans it I will help out.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 05/21/15 02:24 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Yep, it's the fixer in you that wants to fix him and the marriage, but this time...you are on his clock and he has to do the work. Yes, I do understand the wanting to be done.

Happy, if your h didn't want you, he wouldn't still be living at home and he would have filed for divorce by now. Your h is still baking and it takes time. Having a MLCer living under the same roof with the spouse is difficult. It is not easy because you see them each and every day and believe me, you want to shake them until their eyeballs roll on the floor and tell them to wake up. You remember the person that they once were and yet, the body is the same, but the person isn't. One of the lessons that we all have had to learn is patience. Your spouse has crashed emotionally and spiritually and until they are healed, they are going to wobble around on "crutches" until they are finally strong enough to stand once again. Healing emotionally is very difficult for them and it's not the same as a bone healing, because the bone will heal on it's on in due time. Emotional health takes a lot of time for them to think about stuff, go back and relive that part of their lives that were stunted and let's face it...in some cases that time period was 10, 20 or even 25 years ago. So, yeah, it takes a lot of time and yes, we do get angry and very frustrated that the process can't be pushed ahead. Fixers have a difficult time understanding that we can't fix this problem for them.

Happy, you can still stand and continue on w/your life. I honestly don't think your h is planning to go any where and unless you decide to push for a divorce, I don't see that happening.

I know you get annoyed w/me, but I'm going to say this again, you need to dig deeper for patience. Your man/child has to grow up and back into the body that is in your presence. Until then, leave him baking in the oven and allow God to continue to work on him.

Things happen for a reason and sometimes I think God allows things to be destroyed in order for us to rebuild, i.e., into something stronger and better and we learn from the mistakes as we go along and learn to appreciate what we once had and can appreciate what is rebuilt. It is an opportunity for all of us to take the time to look at ourselves in the mirror and make the changes necessary for us to be better people on this earth. Time does heal all wounds...but the scars are there to remind us each and every day of what we've been through in order to get to the other side.

BTW, I've order several more patience shovels for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job,

I know in my soul that the things I changed during H's MLC are things I NEEDED to change in me. And without this mess, I might not have made the changes I needed to.

The changes have helped me to be BETTER, some of the things I struggled with, I'm not dealing with anymore. The PRAYING, that alone, getting back to prayer and getting out of auto mode, of learning again to LOVE myself, which in turn I can see made me a more loving Mom to my s14. I smile and laugh more now then I have in years. I'm becoming the Woman I was always suppose to be. So when you said "things happen for a reason and GOD allowing things to be destroyed in order to rebuild" I got chills all over, cause I been feeling this, thinking "that if this had not happened, I would not have started to love myself again, my realtionship with my son was getting difficult, my communication with my mom was going downhill, heck even my face was looking older. I believe GOD used this situation to wake me up to shake me, to get me to see what GOD has been trying to show/tell me all along about myself.

WOW

Heck JOB, I believe GOD is here when you are the one who is responding to my post, guiding me as I stumble thru. I'm NOT and never will be annoyed with your responses.

YES, double that patience shovel order. I need to continue to work on that, work on me and to PRAY and allow GOD to take me thru this. I know I will make it! I can already see myself thru this journery and a better person!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Update

H made it to the family cookout yesterday. Everyone was very happy to see him. I told him I was glad he was there.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Great! Now, what's on the agenda for today?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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That's really nice to hear that, 2b! I am sorry you have struggled with things lately. It can be a very difficult thing... To feel like you are putting your life on hold.. When it's right there and we feel we can.... "Fix it"!

I think it's a good thing that he went to the picnic. At the same time it can make us start wanting.... More.

On the flip side, you have done a great job of keeping yourself moving along. Still living your life, even if part of it is on hold. But if you think about jobs post, it is great to think that it's not on hold. That part is over. So from here... Whatever direction things take- they are brand new and can take on the course of your choosing. Even with h. It will be a new dynamic. Granted, he's not ready now. But keep doing you 2b. Hopefully he will catch up. And you are a great leader.

And job, your post was wonderful. And 2b's response to you was also great, and I feel the same way. That was really nice to read. Thanks for always coming to our rescue, job!

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2B,

We have time and patience on our side. How we use them is ours to decide. It is good that he went to the picnic. Much like my situation, you need to hold yourself back and not try to fix it or read to much hope into it. We want these positive little signs to be the final step. I don't feel it will be any one step on their part. It will not be like the the bomb of BD. It will be more a lot of little steps. Think of this like the guy who pushed a peanut up pikes peak in Colorado. It was one little push followed by another. Day after day. Good weather, stormy weather, snow, ice, etc. 22 miles he pushed that peanut up pikes peak with his nose. He persevered and succeeded. You can too.


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Job, Mighty, & Lifetwist.

The struggle is "easier", the working on me keeps me pretty busy (lots to do). Thanks for the support and encouragement.

Today I plan to

Relax and maybe some shopping. Get in some walking or do some zumba.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 05/25/15 03:25 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Question

Sex drive & MLC

So my H sex drive has decreased ALOT, noticed this around BD I thought it was becuase of OW , H told me he was tired of always being rejected sexually by me.

Back up to 2007 after I had a complete hysterectomy and was taking testerone replacement gel, I found out that H had been using some of my testim gel (found them in his drawers and stash away in his tolietrie bag) I never confronted H on this, just let it go. At that time and after he had a very high sex drive up until around 2013 and BD.

Fast forward 2 years (WOW 2 YEARS) later and sex drive is still very low, now H says it because of our different work schedules?

As I post about this, I realized H had also lost his job in early 2013, which is when sex drive hit all time low, them BAM BD in July 2013, found out about OW in Feb 2014...

Anyway back to sex drive, all this to say I'm feeling very down about myself and my attractiveness to my H since my H seems to now have only time for a quickie once a week if that?

BUT I know I'm attractive to other men, and I also think 70% of the time I look really good to myself, but I'm also struggling with being overweight, gained 60lbs since BD.

OK, now I'm rambling I hope someone knows what Im trying to say?

Is my H low sex drive all about me, is this due to maybe anoter OW or is this part of MLC? Or all of the above?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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It's all about him. First, depression plays a major role in MLC and when you are depressed...nothing and I mean nothing looks attractive, nor do you have the energy to be the energizer bunny every night of the week. Also, in time, he may very well go to the doctor to have his blood checked and some other tests to determine what may be causing the low sex drive, etc. Just like women, men do need that extra boost when they get older.

Take some time to read the Jed Diamond book on Male Menopause. I think it will help you better understand what's going on w/your man in the "below the belt" area. Also, go back and read up on depression because it plays into health issues as well as stress.

One more thing, at this time you do not try to diagnose his health issues. If he comes to you and asks your opinion, then you give it to him...but he's got to have some time to figure this stuff out. Men have a lot of pride and when they begin to have issues w/the sex drive, it really hits them hard. Patience, patience and more patience.

Now, do some internet searching on depression and male menopause. Knowledge is power.

Your mantra is "it's not me, it's him".


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks JOB

I do understand depression and how it affects EVERYTHING around you.

I would never bring this up to my H. And if he brings it up to me I will be very gentle with my responses. I just got it stuck in my head that H just does not want me, and sex was our last physical connection and now that has really dwindled.

Ok, now back to me loving MYSELF!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
If your h didn't want you, the two of you wouldn't be living under the same roof and having good interactions. One of you would be living elsewhere and things would have gone "south" a long time ago.

Dig deeper for patience and continue to say "it's him, it's not me".


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Dreams
sometimes I have dreams that my H is cheating again.
last night I dreamed
H was someplace sick my college roommate called to tell me she was taking him to her house to be there with the mother of his 3rd child (ss28) and that she just had another baby which is my H.

In the dream H called and told me he was not coming home and that he also I think said was no longer working....all this while he was in the middle of a heart attack. I was telling him and my roommate to go to hospital. ...

I woke up right before I was going to tell my son that his dad was not coming home to live with us anymore...

Somewhere in the dream before I was getting ready to tell my son I had felt a freedom, i was free from the wondering, the loneliness, I was only worried about tellin my son.


Yesterday I was upset with H called him as [censored] (i did later apologize). I was telling H that I was seeing son struggle with just being a teenage boy and that I was worried etc....well H told me to stop being emotional and to basically be tough on son casue H thinks son needs it etc...

Son had a football camp and after I talkef to H, i was not going was just letting H take him. Son did not want to go with his dad, ask me to go instead.
we both went but H only stayed for 1 hr, rushed back home to get "ready" for work.

If H cannot be more involved with our son, really involved not just here and there or some dam family movie night...I mean if me staying in this marriage is not benefitting my son, well another reason to really think hard about "why" even bother.

Yesterday convo with H, last night dream..
And today Im going to let H know that our son confided in another mother that he NEVER sees his dad anymore.

Emotional weekend, H hates emotions...oh well its a part of life, and right now I dont feel like tiptoeing.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
I'm sorry that your h isn't emotionally connected to your son. Has he always been this way or has this been one of the crisis behaviors? If it's crisis behavior, again, I'm going to say depression is playing a role and let's face it, crisis people can only focus on one thing at a time and unfortunately, work appears to be where he can relax his thought processes and not feel pressured by the outside sources, i.e., marriage and being a family member. I'm not making excuses for his behavior and that's why I am asking...is this a normal characteristic for him to be emotionally distant.

If this is something that has come up because of the crisis, then it is very normal behavior and nothing is going to change it, not even telling him that your son confided in another mother about his dad not being around. It will make him feel guilty, but it will not wake him up enough to be there. Oh, he might be there for a time or two, but he's going to go back into his rabbit hole.

Happy, you aren't happy. From your postings, it appears that you are making a list and checking it twice of his faults. Everything that you've pointed out in your threads spells out depression and crisis to me. He's going to move through his crisis at his own speed and nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to wake him up until he's ready. If you are unhappy as you have indicated in your postings, maybe it's time that you seriously consider separating for a bit. All of you need some space and time to heal and figure things out. Your patience level has dropped and I am sensing that you want this over like yesterday....hate to say it....but it's not going to happen.

Happy, if you truly aren't happy, then it's time to sit down and really think about what you want to do. Your h's crisis could go on for another couple of years, give or take. What do you want?

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Job
I do feel happy. I'm working on me being a better person.

I'm tired of my stitch, and upset that My s14 is needing more time with his dad.

I did tell H about what son said, he listened and said nothing in response...

When he walked into the room he was carrying my red thong, I had cleaned closets yesterday and it had fallen out when I was putting stuff in storage. H said I dont know why this was out, then threw it on the bed. I told him I was putting stuff in storage and it feel out.

Then I told him what son said...maybe timing was off.

Job, I do feel happy. But I will take some time to reflect and really put some thought into what you said.

H can be guarded with his emotions, but H has not always been like this.

Im happy with myself, my relationship with my son, mom, family, friends, my job is great. Not happy with marriage, but its no longer affecting other areas of my life, it does upset me when I see son struggling with growing up in general and then to add in H MLC. Frustrated is what I am, very frustrated.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Had another dream,,,,

This time I was cheating:( With my ex BF, the last person I was with back in 1995 before I meet my H in 1996.

I usually NEVER dream or well never recall my dreams.

Extra prayers going up!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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It is very hard to "go dimmer" with MLC in the same house. As soon as I get to my "place of peace" with this stitch, here comes H wanting time and attention. The "making sure I'm still here" drives me up the wall sometimes!

Job, you last mentioned in my post that I dont seem "happy". Is it becuase of the posts I make about my H? I've been thinking about this and I really truly feel at peace "happy" in all other aspects of my life EXCEPT for this MLC mess.

This stitch helped show me how to be "happy" with myself and not rely on how others see, respond, or feel about me. No longer relying on someone else to "make" me happy. I love myself more now then I ever have, I have my confidence back! This situation has opened my eyes to changes I needed to make and it has helped me in many ways.

So after thinking and asking myself "are you really happy", I have to say YES, despite this stitch. Then I ask myself "are things the way you want them to be" HECK NO, but I still know I will be GREAT, I'm at peace in my soul, I know that regardless I will be GREAT.

Yes I feel lonely for my H, miss my M, but that is not making me un-happy. In the past if ONE thing was messed up in my life, everything was horrible. But that is not the case anymore.

Yes my M is a mess, but I'm not.

Job, I dont want to miss something, so is there something you are seeing in my posts that make me seem "un happy"? I'm just not clear?

I'm not happy with my R, my M with my H. BUT I'm happy with ME!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
The reason that I mentioned that you appeared "not to be happy" is because you are focusing on all of the negative things that your h is doing right now. Your postings have given me the impression that you are very frustrated that he's not doing things that you would "expect" him to do if he weren't in crisis. However, he is exhibiting quite a few of the characteristics of one in crisis and yes, depressed. His journey is a slow, but steady one and yes, you will get frustrated...but you also need to look at the positives as well.

What are the positives? He's still living at home, working and bringing in a paycheck. He still wants time and attention from you. He also gave you a tape or cd recently. He still wants to do some things with you. Many of the MLCers do not want anything to do w/their spouses. They are mean, nasty little creatures who make life miserable for all who live under the same roof. Your h is one of the milder ones who appears content right now w/the way things are.

Happy, it's okay to come here and vent about how things are going, however, your postings gave the impression that you were making a list and if he didn't meet your expectations of what he should be doing, you were checking it off on the negative side, i.e., trying to build a case for separating. See how a person can interpret postings?

If you are happy w/yourself and what you are doing, then that's great...but your "expectations" have to be near zero at all times when it comes to your h. He's still got a lot of growing to do and the baking time in the oven isn't finished yet. You've got a lot of positives that many don't have in their lives right now when it comes to their spouses.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy,

To piggyback job's comments, here's a question for you to consider: Which one do you prefer?

A Jekyll-Hyde MLCer

or

A kitty-kitten MLCer

smile

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Job,

Thanks for taking the time to explain. Yes I see what you mean now. I THANK GOD my H is on the much calmer side. I credited this to prayers and H knowing my boundaries. I don't think I would be able to tolerate "meanness" and would NOT tolerate H not paying his share of the bills (unless there were valid reasons).
What I can tolerate? I guess that changes once you are put in the situation. SO all credit to GOD for my MLC not being mean and for him still being in our home, for still wanting to spend time with me and our son.

Sometimes I find myself looking for reasons to separate, that is the little girl inside who wants her way and is not getting it, and the grown woman who wants to be in control and is not.

Yes I know and I'm blessed to not be dealing with some of the situations I read on here, and I'm thankful.

Wonka. I will take the kitty-kitten MLCer. smile

Expectations zero- THIS I NEED TO WORK ON!

Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/03/15 03:50 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Unfortunately, this is one situation that you can't control, nor can you fix. You are on his time clock and that clock runs very, very slow. Try to accept him for who he is now, not the man he once was. He's a different man today and that is the man you have to learn to have more patience with.

Dig deeper for patience and, as always, keep the focus on you and your son. Give God back the wheel and allow him to guide your h.


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Hi. I keep up on your postings and what I see it that you continue to have expectations your husband can not keep right now. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, just giving a gentle 2x4.

Have you truly accepted what is going on inside of him? I don't mean accept as in its ok, but accept that he is truly in a confused state? For me, that was key. It was the only way I could accept that my H actions were not about me.

Please read up more on MLC and what his state of mind is. The more you expect him to act like a rational person, the more you will be disappointed and the cycle continues. I see it in your postings. Your H is all about himself right now, he can't give much more. Although, I have to say, I have seen some efforts from him time to time.

You are strong, dig deeper for that patience, you can do this smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Wait ... we could have chosen between

A Jekyll-Hyde MLCer

or

A kitty-kitten MLCer

laugh

Happy,

I think like most of us its just plain natural to be frustrated at times with these MLCrs we chose to marry, I often think to myself if there was a full disclosure list would I have done this ... probably not but I would have missed out on the greatest even in my life to be honest .. and I am not just saying that .. I truly feel I needed this to change into who I am now.

I do not think your H is the kitten MLCr because of knowing your boundaries ... I truly do not. I had my boundaries and W smashed those into dust, its just how they explode and the way the shrapnel falls, there is not predicting it nor the blast patterns, I have it better than some worse than others, its my sitch either way.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Cali,
I agree w/you about the boundary comment. Happy's h is a "kitten MLCer" because of his personality and his issues, as well as the fact that she's not pressuring him to do things. The more you leave them alone to deal w/their issues and focus on their "me" stuff, the better it is for all concerned. The more you push, the more stubborn they will be to prove to you that they are going to do what they have to do and when they are going to do it. And when you do pressure them for answers or you want them to shape up, they generally will begin to cry separation, divorce or moving out, i.e., or all three during a conversation.

Meow!


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Job, Yes I'm learning this hard way (still) that there are many things I cannot control. I have prayed but I still try to make things happen the way I want them to. I'm working on this.

M4, I keep saying I don't have expectations, and I think most of them as it relates to H & W, I have thrown out the window, the ones I still have are expecting him to respond about our son and or house hold decisions, I guess I only look at MLC as it relates to our M and not really as it is affecting his entire life. I will read up more on MLC and the state of mind.

Cali, yes my frustration level is over the top with this whole situation. My H is a kitty cause I don't push, I have set boundaries and give gentle reminders as needed. But I do not ask him anything unless it relates to our son , our home, or something our family. I don't ask about him unless he starts the convo, I don't seek him out, I don't sit around mopping, I have gone on with my life, sometimes he is invited but most times not.

Now if I was pushing and demanding, pursuing, crying, screaming etc I do think he would have taken the risk to move out of our home. If I was constantly asking him about his whereabouts or demanding his time, things would be tense. But my H has always been the type to be cool and calm unless pushed up against a wall. And at BD when I was all over the place and H was not sleeping, not eating, actually jumping when I walked into the room, getting bags under his eyes etc, it was bad. We were both a mess, then I found this site and things greatly improved, I changed and the situation changed for the better. NOT as far as our M, but with us being able to exist without a lot of tension and harsh words threats etc. H calls me now whenever he will be late home from work, even before BD he did not do this, now that I don't care and don't ask, now he wants to tell. He could be hiding something with his work hours, but if so it will come out, just like OW, I guess my dreams are dealing with that, but during the waking hours, I could care less. If he happens again he knows its a done deal. I smile all the time, at first I was pretending but now its real, I laugh more then I have in a very long time. I have noticed that H is also smiling a lil teeny bit more.

Patience, wow I have more then I ever thought I ever would.

Thanks as always for all your replies, you all don't know how much it helps me to process thru this mess.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2b, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I keep up on your sitch all the time, I just don't post much because you get such great advise.

You are doing great. I see so many improvements and growth with you. Your feelings of frustration are totally normal. This MLC stuff, the length of time, it wears us all down! We all get so fed up, get talked to here back into reality, pick ourselves up, and keep going. Don't beat yourself up, love yourself for the amazing person you are. It takes a really good person to stand the way you do!

I remember living with my MLC, it is still loud and clear in my mind and I know how hard it is. I can only speak for myself, but I think it's easier with the MLC'er out of our hair. They can spin around all they want, without disturbing the tranquility of home. At least that is how I feel.

So pat yourself on the back, what you are dealing with is no easy road. As for your son, I am sure you have had talks about dad? My son is 8 and I have been very open with him. I have told him daddy is dealing with some adult stuff and needs this time to work through it. I have assured him he is a bit distracted right now, not really himself and to not think it has anything to do with him. I have to say, my son is handling all of this really well and I believe it's because we openly talk about it.

Keep the lines of communication open with your son and remain his rock. Continue to be the example of compassion, strength and unconditional love. My hope it that these lessons are what my son will take away from all of this. I can only hope!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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M4, thanks for the support and kind words.

S14, is in his "ignore" parents phase of life. LOL

H works 2nd/3rd shift so S14 and I are mostly home alone, so I pray that S14 is not seeing alot of H's "issues"? S14 and I do talk often, and I tell him that his Dad loves him, if something quirky happens and S14 mentions it or comments, I tell him that Dad is going thru a phase of life, I explained to him similiar to how S14 is feeling going thru puberty, reminded him of how I was when I 1st started menopause. SO I THINK S14 gets it, he knows this is a phase his Dad has to go thru and it has nothing to do with us, I THINK, I PRAY he somewhat gets it.

When we are all home together, H always cooks and wants us to watch a movie or go out to eat etc.

School is out now for the summer, so S14 and H will have more time just them at home together before H goes to work, but most of that time S14 will be at 7am football conditioning, then home shower, eat and back to bed. H takes S14 and 2 other friends, so then H is back home back to sleep before getting back up to go to work.

So our schedules don't include much time with H, which is probably a blessing right now.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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So something else I'm struggling with...

My Mom is dating again, and this is great and she is very happy. My step dad has been dead for 4 years, and since then my Mom has been VERY dependant on me. It was draining at times and at times I think it put a strain on my M becuase I allowed it to stress me out which I then took that stress out on my H.

Well now that my Mom is dating again, she does not call me as much, my mom use to call me all day every day, her BF took her to grocery store (something I use to do), her BF is keeping her busy they are double dating and my mom is having a ball!!!

This is something I was praying for, that my mom found companionship, that she was not so dependant on me for her entertainment, I had to be her BFF, her D, her taxi, her bank...it fliped our relationship where I was like the Mother.

NOW I'm feeling a little used and ignored, like now that she has BF she don't want to spend any time with me. I think she brings up some child hood issues becuase when my mom got a BF when I was a child, I feel I was ignored as a child.

I then turned this around and told myself I was there for her how and when she needed me to be and now she has what she was missing...

I'm not going to address this with my Mom, she is in a new relationship and having a BLAST and she really deserves it.

Now I have even more time on my hands to GAL, to work on Me, and I can release the guilt I use to feel when I could not do everything my Mom wanted me to do, when I had other things to do...when I was spending time with my H or H and S14 and would feel like everytime we needed to inlcude my Mom or I would feel a little guilt...but I also feel a little ignored (that is the child in me). I need to let that go, and release that pain from child hood.

Before BD, I don't think I would have been able to "think thru" this shift in relationship with my Mom. I would have been "distant" to her because of how I was feeling ignored, instead of embracing that she is happy, and begin an adult and recalling how it is at the start of a new relationship when all you can think about is that person and wanting to spend time with that person. Now I can smile and realize my realtionship with my mom can be less stressfull and that we can spend FUN time together when we want to and not because she needs me to do something for her.

But that lil girl inside of me hopes she don't forget all about me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
It's normal to feel "left out, used or ignored" when a new relationship begins for the person that you've been there for. For years she has had to rely on you to be there for her and you know what? She may have felt a bit guilty having you do all of those things for her because she knew it took time and focus away from your own little family. Be happy for your mother because she's found a new friend around her own age.

Give the "euphoria" of a new relationship time to die down a bit and when it does, you will discover that you and your mother can still have some quality time together. Right now, it's all about them and learning about each other. We all have done it and continue to do it when new relationships blossom.

Happy, settle the little girl down inside of you. She's not going to forget you. You are still her little girl who grew up to be a wonderful and giving woman. Give your mother the gift of space and time to discover if this is the right person for her.

You now have some additional time to focus on you and your family. Maybe it's time to think about redecorating or doing some fun things this summer w/o feeling guilty about mom not being involved.

It's going to be okay.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh Job, as always your post hit home for me!

Yes, my Mom did feel guilty about relying on me for everything! Yes I'm happy for her and I know new relationships involve a lot of getting to know each other and spending alot of time together. I know in my adult mind my mom will not forget me:)

Already I can release the guilt I had about the upcoming out of town wedding in July that my Mom was not going to attend and I was worried about her missing out and having to stay home, with me being out of town (what if she needed something, foods, meds, money etc).

Now I know she has her new friend who is getting her out of the house, having her try new things, my mom watched bball on TV, that is huge. My mom is already talking about her and her BF coming to S14 football games.

My mom never drove, so now she has someone who also has time and wants to take her places and spend time with her. AND HE DRIVES.

I wanted to run a back ground check on this man,,,but I dont't think that is my place, my Mom can if she wants to. I did mention it, so she has the option...

Summer Yard plans: I'm challenging myself to plan time to get in the yard and make something grow. I want to beautify my Yard. And there are many things around the house that needs to be done, and now that every other weekend I may not be running my mom on all her errands and spending time with her so she is not alone, I will have more time to do these things.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I'm glad that my post "hit home" for you. I think you are going to see your mother blossom right before your eyes. She's going to have more to talk about and since she doesn't drive, her friend will be there to take her places.

Happy, sometimes we don't realize how much time it takes when it comes to taking care of a parent(s). I think you will find that your stress level will finally level off and you will be able to get a lot done around your home at a slower pace versus trying to rush things along because you have to be available to your mother every other week or so. You are going to enjoy being in your yard and planting things. It's a great stress reliever and you will be so proud to see those plants thrive.

Now about that background check...I agree, it's not your place to have one run unless you see this person is taking advantage of your mother's good nature and she's loaning this person money. Sit back and watch how things go. You'll be able to see how things are going when you see the two of them together.


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Dress Drama

Now H is VERY concerned about what I'm wearing to his nephews wedding. I mean H has always wanted to "see" what I planned to wear when we went to an event. Now H is driving me crazy, keep asking me and keep making suggestions on what type of dress I should wear, and of course it based on what he plans to wear causual vs semi-formal. I want to scream WHY in the heck do you care what I wear.

I always dress for the occasion, it's not like go out looking like a bum or a street walker. But for whatever reason H always want to know what I'm wearing like he wants to "approve" it.

I should stop even playing this game with him, and just put my foot down and say "you will see what I'm wearing the day of the wedding" "stop asking me" "worry about yourself"

I don't mind his opionion when I ask, and normally once I decide on my outfit, I may ask him "does this look good"..etc

BUT then it can go all wrong, if H does not like it, then I start to feel like I need to find something else to wear,,,

I do want to have on something that H likes. I use to only ask him if I had a doubt about how the outfit look in the 1st place...

BUT I made the mistake this time, H ask what was I wearing, I showed him my dress and he was like "is there another option", then started in with ideas and suggestions, now he has offered to go dress shopping with me.

I swear, I feel like telling him OFF, like "H you dont even wear your wedding ring, we right now are liviing like roommates why in the world do you care what I wear to this wedding!!!!!"

Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/11/15 04:47 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy,
In a very nice, but firm voice, advise him that you have already selected what you are planning to wear and you are not going out dress shopping. Tell him you appreciate the offer, but it's not necessary when you have clothes in your closet and will suffice.

This is a form of control and you can nip it quite easily by staying nice, but firm in your response to your selection.


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Job,

I will need to wait until I have calmed down to say anything more to H about what I plan to wear. Voice would NOT be nice right now.

And this has been ongoing for like 2 weeks, every so often he brings up the questions "did you find another dress" "what abot this type of dress" today he even suggested what store I usully buy my dresses from...

Today he also wanted to review what he planned to wear.
I DON'T CARE!

I told him today, that I was pretty set on the dress I have at home, that IF I found something I liked better...

This has been something that has always been an issue for me, with him wanting to "dress" me.

Now I had on my own before today's conversation order some other dresses, (my weight gain has made it harder for me to find something Im comfortable in). And I think that combined with H wanted to "help me" is rubbing me the WRONG WAY!

These dresses have not arrived yet, but now I want to be stubborn and just wear the one I have regardless of if I like the ones coming better. Heck I want to feel sexy and cute for me, but not for H, for me! I don't want him to think I picked another dress (if I do) based on his requests.

I'm going to tell him I hear his suggesstions, THANK YOU, but I'm going to pick the dress I feel the best in.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Breathe! Calm down and relax a bit. I know it bugs you to have him do this, but he needs to allow you to make your own decisions on how you dress. You are right about a couple of things, you are dressing for you, not for the runway, and for comfort.

As for him, he needs to worry about what he's wearing and be happy w/his decision.


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Ummm.....ever looked at any of the writings on narcissists? Does any of it seem like it fits your H?

I ask because I used to have these conversations with my ex. He was kind of an insecure narcissist - it was TERRIBLY important to him what others thought of him, and I was, by extension, a representation of HIM.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I have never been a fashion diva - more of a blue jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. And it's true that my curvy figure (even when very thin) looks better in certain cuts of clothes.

But I remember him wrinkling his nose as I would dress for some event and saying "Are you going to wear THAT?", as if I had just put on a burlap sack instead of an attractive outfit.

(Just for reference - my current boyfriend, who is a major clotheshorse himself, always COMPLIMENTS me on how nicely I dress! Go figure!)

The thing is, your H is ONLY thinking about how you might reflect on HIM, and if he's anything like my ex, he may be overly-focused on any real or imagined figure flaws rather than seeing a realistic picture of you. (My ex has OCD and couldn't just focus his critical eye on himself, he had to also focus it on me.)

No advice here on how to handle it, except to say just dress to please yourself if you want, and don't let his negativity contaminate your view of yourself.

(Oddly enough, my ex was always into the idea of me dressing like a businesswoman type - suit, white dress shirt unbuttoned a little too far kind of thing - which really didn't fit my slightly hippie earth momma sensitivities. Now he's married to a much younger woman who dresses like a teen! )

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Job
I did not wait until I was calm, but I was "nice" and to the point. I told my H that I appreciate his offers of help, but that this has been an issue with us in the past and I was not dealing with it, told H that I will be dressed for the occasion and that I will not embarrass him, cause I had no plans on embarrassing myself. I told him he was causing me anxiety and stress in getting prepared for this wedding, told him he takes the fun out of clothes shopping. I again told him I will find something that I like and that I feel good in.

H said not one word....I ended the call with Have a great day and hung up.

I felt relief, it felt like what I needed to do.

KML
My H does feel like how I look, act etc reflects on him, he has told my son, how present ourselves reflects on our entire family. My H says he does not care what others think of him. We have had way too many conversations, arguments about him "helping" me to dress when we are going to an event together, sometimes he would try to "help" when I went out with my friends. Its just old and I'm tired of it. Yes sometimes I'm not sure about an outfit and I will ask his opinion.

I agree my H is only thinking about, how I look in a certain outfit and how that reflects back on him.

The crazy thing is when I go out with friends most of the time H compliments me on my outfit, he has even accused me in the past of putting more time and energy into how I look when going out with friends. I told him it was because I was not stress dressing, and that it not all the pressure of getting dressed to go someplace with him.

You know what,,,this is crazy, this is my "room mate" that is the role he wants, so stay in that role. I pray he got the message loud and clear and does not open his mouth in a negative way about the dress I end up selecting for this wedding.

H does or use to always tells me how beautiful I am, H does compliments me on my hair often, but his "help" when its come to my clothes...comes off as negative.

I just know he is not going to let it go, I swear this is insane.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/12/15 02:09 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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So today I get home from my hair apt. H says to me FYI: When your hair is curly...I don't like it...it makes your face look fatter..." "I like your hair straight like this, makes your face thinner, looks good on you"

He then said "I try not to say anything about your hair styles cause I know you get sensitive"

WTF

I told him FYI: "I like to wear my hair in different styles and not always just straight". "I like my hair curly and I like my hair straight" My hair is curly, and takes a lot to straighten..so now I usually only have my hair dresser flat iron my hair straight.

I know... I know my H is depressed and I know he is not happy with himself, so I know he is trying to poke the bear (me), trying to get negative reactions from me.

I will stay on the high road as much as I can.

My H is a fool.

I stop myself from responding in the childish, angry way I wanted to respond.


Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/13/15 05:17 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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He needs a doll baby that he can play dress up w/and change the hairstyles to his liking. He's really a PIA about the way you look isn't he?

If you are happy w/your hair and the styles that you use, that's all that matters. Apparently he doesn't have any control in his own life and he's trying to control your life. Gosh, the man can't take a hint when you tell him that you are wearing this or doing your hair a certain way.

You are doing so well. I'm glad you aren't allowing him to dictate what you are doing w/your personal self.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.

I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want.
Would be nice if H would finally get on board.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
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this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.

I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want.
Would be nice if H would finally get on board.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
2BHappy Offline OP
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this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.

I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want.
Would be nice if H would finally get on board.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Happy,
kml hit on something that you might want to reflect on...could he be an insecure narcissist? Do you recall if he mentioned whether or not his parents did this appearance stuff? He definitely has an issue w/how you look, i.e., you as an extension to him.

Is he like this in other areas of his life as well? What about your son? Does he try to dress him too?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy, how does it make you feel inside when H tries to tell you how you should look and dress? Have you ever try to tell him about it?


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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H grew up very poor. His mom always made sure they were neat and clean. H hated the hand me down clothes.
YES he also does this with s14, especially if we are all going someplace as a family.
He has an issue with how s14 wears his hair, but I told H to leave it alone, as long as its neat and clean.

I have come to realize my H is not as cobfident as he wants the world to believe.

Bright, I have told H how it makes me feel. Been nice about it, been mean...he had let it go it seemed like at BD he stopped harassing me, but recently it has restarted and I know its the upcoming family wedding.

Im going to try my best to just ignore H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I can't help but wonder if this is an issue from childhood about the clothes and how people in the family should look. Oh, he's definitely wearing the mask of confidence, but he's very insecure about how people will look at his family. He should know by now that you aren't going to allow your son or yourself to leave the house looking like street urchins.

He just needs to be reassured that no one is leaving the house looking anything but the best. This is a tough one, but you've stated how you feel about it and I know you'll be dress to the nines in something stylish and yet comfortable. Count to ten before you respond to any more of his concerns about the "dress code" for the wedding.

If he could just pay as much attention to the other areas of his life as he does to how everyone dresses, life would be far better for all concerned.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh my gosh... striking a chord! Yikes! 2B... seriously, check out the narcissist stuff. I mean... I have... it makes sense... and I didn't even think of THIS part of it!

Lots of similarities. I mean, he wasn't THAT obsessed, but he always found a way to criticize. All the time. Just wasn't up to par. I'm not a high maintenance chick. I attributed to that, however... he would hate if I spent time and money on myself. So... I just couldn't win! But, if I looked hot, and we were going out, he was a happy camper.

Ellie... there is a chance we married a brother from a different mother. The more I hear from you, the more I find similarities in our marriages.

2B. Don't sweat him. Do YOU! I mean it. No matter what you do... if you do it for you, it will speak volumes to him. And that's one thing that was one of the hardest things for me, was go release myself from HIS vortex.

Release yourself, girl. You will feel so good... especially doing you! It will give you so much more confidence, that that's all he will notice and you won't care what he thinks. You will feel damn good and know he is eating it up!

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I agree - gosh! As long as you don't turn up in something that insults the occasion, truly does it matter?? I hope you choose a lovely outfit that you will enjoy wearing & feel great in. I hope you wear your hair curly or straight - whichever you feel like. And whatever the impact on your cheeks! I hope you will ignore any appearance concerns from your H, radiate confidence and loveliness & enjoy yourself.

It sounds as though H worries unduly about appearance, presumably from some deeper fears. Perhaps of not being accepted. But really, if you wear the blue dress which brings out your eyes, or the pink which shows off your tan - it matters not!

I hope you have a lovely time.... smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Happy,
You need to start a new thread! This one is over the 100 posting limit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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