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2BHappy Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558217&page=1

I know it is now time to detach as much as possible, go dark as dark as I can with my H still in our house, to really see my H as my room mate and s14 father, to see this with my heart.

I need this for me, I have DB I have prayed, I have GAL, I have had IC, I have worked on me.

I need the space mentally to free myself from this emotional prison.

I will try belly dancing, I will lose weight, I will keep my son and myself as my primary focus. I will continue to pray, DB and GAL.

I will not be as available to my H as I have been. I will not be the go between for H and his family. I will pass a message and be done with that! If H calls my cell and don't leave a message I will assume it was not important, so I will NOT rush to return the call. I will try to stop texting H at all, I was texting information about family or house hold things, but I think Id rather leave a note, (like I would a room mate). I have no plans to call his cell or call him at home unless it is a 911 situation.

Sex, not sure how I will handle that,,I don't plan to initate, but I don't know if I will continue to have sex with my H.

When we are home together, I will of course be pleasant, will have conversations with him, when he starts them.

I will try to be away as much as I can when he is home, his work shifts make it easy to do this.

Timeframe, I really want to be able to make a decision by end of this year, that is the timeframe in my head. A decision to stay because things are improving, or a decision to leave because I have had enough, maybe not a D, but a separation if no true visible improvements by end of year.

And the Monday family movie nights, I will have some meetings that I have not gone to on Monday's to be home, I will get back to attending those meetings monthly. I will also accept friends invites for dinner etc on Monday's something I had avoided so I could be home.

Been invited to a Monday night bowling, I may have to really think about taking up that option.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2BHappy, sounds like a great plan! You can do it!

As for sex… I would see how it goes. See how you feel about it. Just don’t put too much expectations and don’t get attached.

I’ve done belly dance. It is fun! I also turn the music very loud and dance in the house. Well, there is nobody else, except myself and my dog in the house, so it is very easy to do whenever I feel like it. It might not be convenient for you with your son and H living in the same house. How about walks? You can just go for a walk around your neighborhood.

I totally get it about stress eating… Guilty of this too… Good thing that I get scarred and limit my food intake for a while. The good thing is I don’t gain more weight, but I cannot drop it either. It must be my age too…

So, how about this. When you stress-eat too much, go on the walk. And more you eat, the longer walk it has to be. Can you do this?

2B, I see so much hope in your situation. You just need to turn the tide in your favor. Detach! And do things that are fun for you! You can do whatever you want right now! Before you get back into a committed marriage where you will have to take your H’s interests into consideration, LOL.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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2BHappy. Oh boy, do I feel your pain. Living with your MLC'er is not fun! It is extremely difficult to detach well when living in the same house, interacting day to day, really hard. I can't even imagine adding sex to the mix. My H hasn't touched me in a year and a half. But I can relate to your frustration.

You need to do what is best for you. Speaking only for my own situation, I wasn't truly able to detach and have peace until H left, as I am sure you know from checking in with me smile For my H, I think the smartest thing he has done in 20 months was leave! I love him for it, because I think we both knew he needed to do this in order to work through his issues. However, I was not strong enough to boot him, he made the choice to leave on his own, and did me the biggest favor ever.

It is not easy what you are going through. Your feelings are completely legitimate. Listen to Job's advice, she is one smart cookie. Find things to keep yourself busy. One thing that also helps to ground me is yoga. It's amazing relaxation. Also, spiritual readings. I myself like to read Buddha quotes. Compassion, patience and unconditional love all come into play here in a big way. Think about your vows. Your H is mentally sick right now. He needs his time and space. Give that to him, live your life happily with no expectations from him, and down the road, check in with yourself to see what your next step should be.

Also please remember, this is not about you. It is way deeper than that. Don't take his actions personal. If it was truly about you and your marriage, he would be gone by now. Right?

You can do this smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Happy,
Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking and have come up w/some plans for you and your son. Please listen to the ladies that have posted to you. Living w/a mlcer is very difficult and yes, it gets to be a very frustrating time for your the spouse. It's important that you find your balance and take care of yourself.

I see you've been invited to go bowling. That's another activity that will get you out and about w/other people. I think you would enjoy that.

Let me say this, I think you are a very independent and determined woman and when you are ready to drop the weight, you'll do it.

Come here to vent. We are always here and will be happy to listen. Please do not be hard on yourself. You've been trying very hard and sometimes, we just have to drop the rope and live our lives to the fullest. Fear of the unknown tends to raise its ugly here every now and then and that's when we tend to stall along the path because we don't know what the future holds. You can do all of the right things and still nothing changes and the same applies to not doing them too. That's why it's important to try different things to see what will work for you and your situation.

Try not to compare your situation w/others. Even though many of the situations have similar traits, each situation is different because of the personalities of those involved, children, jobs, etc. Take away only those things that will help you and leave the rest behind.

Happy, you are doing great. Try not to allow the bumps in the road to discourage you. Okay?

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2BHappy Offline OP
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Bright, M4 and Job

Thanks so very much for support and advice.

I will take more time to focus on me to basically ignore H issues as much as I can.

S14, job, my mom, friends and family are enough to keep me busy.

I do think I will join in for the bowling on a couple Monday's a month, and attend meetings with football club one Monday a month, my triggers tend to happen on Monday when H is home and on the weekends when I have more time on my hand.

So I will stay busy.

Came home today from hair apt, H said your hair looks good, you got it highlighted,,I was like yes last year.

H is being extra talkative today since I ignored his "before he goes to work call" yesterday. And keeping to myself as much as possible while home until he goes to work.

Anyway,,,focus on me, Come here to vent instead of eat, hopefully I can also help others as they deal with this mess.

Have a great weekend everyone.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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2BHappy Offline OP
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So I did not expect a "test" of my new plans so very soon.

H advised me today that he might have a party for the Mayweather fight. He said he did not know if he felt like watching it with a bunch of people (talking about my friends who invited us over to watch). I ask him "won't you be at work" he said he is trying to work on that. And that SS's and one of H's good friends from out of town might come up to watch the fight with us.

I was thinking where did all this come from, when I invited him by text message he never replied.

S14 heard this conversation and said to me "why is dad getting the fight" he usually does not care about these fights?

I told S14 I had no idea and that now I would need to decide where to watch the fight...

S14 said to me, Mom you already have plans to watch with your friends, just because dad is thinking about getting the fight does not mean you have to change your plans"

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.

I told s14, it depends and I would make up my mind once H knows for sure what he plans to do. s14 told me "mom you always makes decisions choses based on what we need, he told me to watch the fight where I want to watch the fight", s14 told me Dad knew 2 weeks ago you planned to watch with friends, now he wants to make plans to watch at home. WOW WOW WOW...

Trying to look at this another way, true H usually cares nothing about watching the fights, so maybe he is doing this because he knows I enjoy watching them. OR maybe he just doing this to stop my plans for watching with friends.

At this point, I know I will have more fun watching with friends, since other women will also be there, women who enjoy the fights as much as me. here at home, there would be no women unless I invited some friends over. I do have a couple who was NOT going to the other friends house because they have large dogs.

Do I keep my org plans regardless of what H decides to do...decisions...decisions...

Now I will be more comfortable at home, and will not have to worry about juggling to see the TV, or have a good seat,,


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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You don't have to make a decision today...but you did make plans to watch the fight w/friends. At some point, once you know what he's doing, you can decide.

I'm going to share w/you what I would do, but that doesn't mean you should do it....I would continue on w/my plans as they are already set up.

What he may or may not do at this time is on him and you certainly can't rely on him to get the time off or have things ready to go. He may very well be planning on you taking care of everything for him...now, that would be a hoot because you just might have leave it all to him to do. Mom, if your man/child manages to pull this off, I think you owe it to yourself to have a night out w/your friends and leave him to his. Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Well,,I guess I need to tighten my belt, and put on a helmet cause the roller coaster is speeding up.

I will try to give short version and not leave out important details,,,cause I need feedback and support as always.

H mention houses selling again in our area and that we (I) should look into forclosed houses larger but for the same money as our house, sale our house and move into a bigger one.

I remind him of his IRS issues and the risk of a lien being placed on a new home or refi this home (something a couple weeks ago he did not want to risk).

He then tells me he is working on IRS debt and has filed this year taxes.

WTF, I always files his taxes, I ask him how did he file, he said SS34 file it online late at night on tax deadline and it was too late to call me...

BULL S...

So I said did you file married filing separately,,,he said Yes, I said you put my name and SS#, here came the blank stare and then then blame on me..

He said he did not put my name and took standard deductions,,,

So filed totally different then I did. RED FLAG

I told him we might get our taxes flagged,,and walked away pissed off

He followed, now he is angry and trying to find some blame onto me somehow.

H also told me he would have more money if he did not give me soo much each month, I said 1/2 the MTG and bills is that what you talking about..he said Yes, I said when I pay 1/2 the bills here is that money I'm giving to you, another blank stare.

I told him has to pay to live somewhere, he said not this much I told him if he wants to leave and pay less somewhere he can go, another blank stare.



He finally apologized said he was wrong and now he realizes he should have talked to me first.

Said he did not know why I had attitude over this, I told him to lets stop talking we both said what we needed about the subject.

NOPE

He leaves for work and starts to call on phone, I let off a lil steam and told him this is just one more thing, and I was getting real tired, of it all, the not being my husband etc...

I ask him do you want to be M and he needs to think really hard on that, cause Im TIRED and this is not what I want anymore!!!

He said other things before he left, that I don't even feel like its important enough to post,,

Now I know I have grown thru this whole F UP process, no tears, no raised voice, and right now I'm not all worked up and upset or worried about this M!!!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Happy,
You have every right to be furious about the taxes. Both of you are living under the same roof and generally when that happens, people do talk to one another about the taxes and how to file. Something just doesn't sit right about what he's done. I think you need to be looking into this matter because you do not want your return to be red flagged. I can't even imagine SS34 doing the filing for him and it being too late to call. It really does sound like a bunch of BS.

Why put any blame on you? You aren't the one that filed at the last minute.

Oh, poor baby...has to cough up his share of the money to help pay the bills, purchase food, etc. while living under the same roof. He's got it made right now. If he thinks he's coughing up a lot of money now, just wait until he has to pay rent and his other bills...that man is in for a rude awakening.

Happy, this man is very anxious to sell and move. I can't help but think that if you sell, he then would want his half and move on to La La Land. My xh was just like your h in wanting to see and move to a different location w/a much larger home. Had I agreed to it, it would never have happened. Why? Because motor mouth told his mother what his plans were and she called me and told me what he was doing. Not a happy camper...but I stood my ground and kept my home. You sell when you are ready, not one minute before that. You don't know what he's going to do and quite frankly, I'm starting to sense some red flags are going to begin popping up.

About the IRS situation, have you seen anything where he's "been working on it"? Is he just spouting off to make you think he's doing something about it? Again, something to look into because I don't think he's done much if he's crying the blues about paying his share of the bills.

Happy, you stood your ground and told him what you thought. Now, he's got to figure things out. You've opened the door and it's up to him to either shut up, work on the marriage or hit the pavement running.

I'm proud of you. Don't allow him to bring you down, emotionally, mentally or financially.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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One question...did you advise him when you filed? If you didn't, maybe he thought he didn't have to tell you since you didn't tell him.

I definitely would check some of those issues out because something just doesn't sound 100% true to me....but you know you h better than we do.

Breathe! Stay calm!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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