I saw a posting by Toots today where she mentioned to someone that his W reminded her of her H. I am paraprhasing: Things seemed to be okay but it turned out Toots' H was internalizing what upset him and the resentment built. That's my W exactly!
Remember one of Sandi's posts... Disrespect, Resentment, Rebellion. I believe most of us have seen some combination of this. I definitely was internalizing myself and so was my X.
As for the text, instead of asking Wonka. Why don't you take the first stab at it?
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Bob, You have completely embraced this board! I am reading compassionate, caring, supportive messages from you all over these forums. By listening, validating and supporting you are helping many people more than you know. These boards can be very cathartic. I think you probably know that better than me.
I'm very happy to have crossed paths with you.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Just stopping by to say hi. I read the thread and think you're doing fine. Just keep it up.
Don't stress so much about the text to the W. Use it to validate her concerns over her health and that you wanted to see how she's doing. Keep it simple and leave it at that.
Quote:
You have completely embraced this board! I am reading compassionate, caring, supportive messages from you all over these forums. By listening, validating and supporting you are helping many people more than you know.
I 2nd this!
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I realize I mentioned the nasty text from her just yesterday,
Did W actually send you a text yesterday? What did she say? I wanted to be sure we are clear and not confused texts/emails from two weeks ago.
Wonka, if you read this soon, please give me some idea as to how I should ask. If I simply ask her, "How are you feeling?" I'm afraid she will start with her health issues and then find a way to "slam" me by saying how much she hates me for our M getting to this point.
Don't go borrowing trouble or trying to mindread W at all. It is not good use of your head space. A light, breezy text like this would be good: Hiya, W. I wanted to check in here...how did the doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. Hope you are doing better. Take care-Bob
You can adjust to fit with your style. Don't take it personally if W gets mad or spews. She's obviously struggling a lot with her MS and other health issues. That has to be a challenge for her.
You guys are all fantastic! I just finished reading your posts and I have tears in my eyes--happy tears!
Mahhhty, thank you for the compliment about embracing this board. For quite a while I read others' situations but was afraid to post. You were the one that got me to see even simple words of encouragement help others. Also, I agree with you that I should take a stab at the text first...although Wonka did give me a good start.
Sherman, your comments and taking the time to go through my situation means so much to me. Thank you sir!
Wonka, the venom-filled text I was talking about was almost 2 weeks ago. Sorry for the confusion. Neither one of us has contacted the other since then. Basically, at the end of her text, she threw it in my face that half of the return is hers when she knows I already know that. Thank you for the sample text. I was thinking something quick and non-committal.
I will put my draft text message on this board as soon as I have decided what I want to send her.
I don't know where I'd be without the loving, caring people on this forum!!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hiya, W. I wanted to check in here...how did the doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. Hope you are doing better. Take care-Bob
You can adjust to fit with your style. Don't take it personally if W gets mad or spews. She's obviously struggling a lot with her MS and other health issues. That has to be a challenge for her.
All.
What do you think of this? I like Wonka's "Hiya" to start out. It sounds care-free and I don't use it often. The only thing I wonder about is where I ask her if there's anything I can do to help. That could open up a can of worms. Am I being negative thinking that way? Finally, here is my draft text:
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
Thumbs up? Thumbs down?
Thank you all.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
I just suggested amending the first sentence. Now remember, don't push for more if she comes back warmly. Post here first!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
You want to be careful and not come across as a Mr. Know It All..."I know stress can...." Eh...not too sure about that. She may come back and scream, "What do you know about my stress??!" Do you see what I mean here?
That is an ASSUMPTION at it's best...at it's worse, it is a Mr. Know It All.
Another thing I've learned about WASes is that they do not respond well or never do when one asks about them...their day....work...they just shut down.
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
I just suggested amending the first sentence. Now remember, don't push for more if she comes back warmly. Post here first!
Hi Toots!
I see, write "check in with you and ask how" Thank you for taking the time to read and reply!
You are awesome. I also see that Wonka has a posting....
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
You want to be careful and not come across as a Mr. Know It All..."I know stress can...." Eh...not too sure about that. She may come back and scream, "What do you know about my stress??!" Do you see what I mean here?
That is an ASSUMPTION at it's best...at it's worse, it is a Mr. Know It All.
Another thing I've learned about WASes is that they do not respond well or never do when one asks about them...their day....work...they just shut down.
Wonka, I see exactly what you mean - big time! She just might come back with that.
Okay, thanks again Toots and Wonka - both of you are always here for me!
Let me think about this a little more.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
