AJ, uR, Wonka ... yes I completely get it and yeah ... I have known for a bit its fear that holds me back. When this all first went down it was fear of losing W, then it turned into fear of losing my M, fear that OM was better than me, fear I would lose my S .... one by one I have exposed these fears and realized its more me making things up than it is the truth. During this process I uncovered strength I never realized was under the surface all along. Just as with the current wave of emotions I have felt, seems for me I need time to absorb them and dissect what they are, where they are coming from, in a way pulling the wings off the fly one by one. AJ .. spot on with the bed, the bed itself does not scare me, its the symbolic nature of it, all those things that caused me pain I linked to that bed, the couch, her condo ... little by little I have been better with these things .. the bed is a big one as its symbolic of the ultimate betrayal, and yeah ... a bon fire would be fine, I do not need to set it ablaze myself or anything but I would just prefer it gone vs. having backslides over the next few years set off by an inanimate object.
With all that, I gave things a good deal of thought yesterday, been thinking about it for weeks now actually. W does have a point, and I agree with a few here. As helpful as this place is, and as much as I have learned and grown I am not equipped to do a DIY MC, we do need help to get through this, help to communicate better. So I made the call, found a MC but she was 'full' proving to me I probably found a good one, asked her for any referrals and she gave me another name that was on my list, left a message and hope to hear back from her.
I picked up S from school, turns out he got into trouble and handed me an envelope addressed to W, S told me to read it. It was a letter from him explaining he was caught singing "I'm to sexy for my butt-hole" ... I think I won father of the year as I burst out laughing and then tried to regain my composure as S told me how much trouble he was in.(Catholic school and all) S shared he was terrified of W and her reaction, I told him to relax ... however I did tell him what he said was not appropriate nor was my reaction to it, that we needed to work on his language. I took away TV and games for the week along with a few talks through out the evening on how we needed to remove certain words on and off campus.
Later that night S called W, usual time however no answer. W called back sounded like she was in the car. She explained to me where she was coming from almost to the point where it was important I 'believe' her ... I told her I really was not thinking anything otherwise as she shared over the weekend that she was going to talk to the priest. I talked to her about S, she took it well. She asked if we could talk once she got home and showered.
So ... here is where things got a touch interesting. She told me about her day, at work there is a new boss, she is worried they are going to restructure and she might lose her job. I STFU, listened, validated. Then she talked some about the priest. This one surprised me, the fact she went, then she thanked me as I recommend this specific one (I suggested him but left it up to her if she wanted to go through with it or not) and she told me he and her relate and she wishes that she would have gone to him sooner but told me it would not have been the right time and she was not ready. Then we talked more about S, she started getting upset that S is afraid of her, started her spinning and when she does that she puts words in my mouth and its almost like she ramps up things and has the conversation between her and I all by herself. I became frustrated and we had it out a little bit, I shared that its frustrating she will say something like "Thanks for telling me I'm a chitty mother" when I never said it nor hinted at it but once she verbally says that its like in her mind I actually said it ... rewriting history. Was wild .. once I said this she calmed down and its like a lightbulb went off. She apologized, I was still a bit upset and she said she did not get to tell me what she really wanted to share, so I asked what it was. She said she was so late because she went to the parish center after talking to the priest and picked up paperwork for retrouvaille. I was pretty stunned, I told her that I have been on the fence as she knows about the MC, because fear was holding me back but after thinking about it I told her I made the calls earlier that day for MC because at some point we both will have to take a leap of faith, and it looks like she is doing the same thing, I thanked her.
This morning W TM me "I'm trying to change. Please be patient with me. I'm going to make errors but this time I'm catching myself"
So I have decided to release the fear I have had, the fear of "Is she really committed" and accept she really is trying this time, she seems to be happier when I see her, not that stressed out look she used to have... dare I say pretty, flashes of the girl I knew and loved, combined with this stranger who I must get to know. I now need to relax and allow myself to be myself around her. This is moving in the direction I always wanted, there may still be a chance I have a full happy and rewarding marriage, its on me to accept that, and take a chance on her.
This forgiveness theme that has run pretty strong in this thread, I think uR hit a point, like everything it can mean different things and come in different forms for all of us. Some of us may need to be asked, maybe not. Regardless I have accepted what happened (sure there are times it still burns, but not as much and not as often), being here and learning so much ... knowing I was not the only one in the MLC wasteland helped tremendously at first. It got me up on my feet, then you wonderful people ... vets and fellow noobs who have been/were walking the same walk not only sharing your story, but asking the hard questions, forcing me to face my fears, grow, learn, become better. I am forever in your debt ... first round will no doubt be on me ... with a shot and a chaser ... we can call it the Spew-Bomb...lol. I realized just now when I came here I would look for success stories, looking for hope, regardless if the M works out or not. The true hope is found in the knowledge that we are all going to be ok, better than ok, better than we were before BD, you are looking at Cali2.0 who has his sights on the next upgrade. That magic bullet, its the mirror work ... getting to a place where you reinvent yourself and you know deep down you are going to flourish regardless of your MLC'r, that's where its all at.
Yesterday was fairly quiet. Appears W is busy at work and also trying to line up other jobs in case the rumors prove true and they let her go. I picked up S yesterday, we went and researched turtles at the store, W TM that she needed to work late and asked if its ok that she pick up S a little later. TM like these do sometimes make me think about the past couple years, but its not like I started spinning ... I have been good about this. She could be doing who knows what, or she might be telling the truth and working late... regardless its out of my control, this 'detachment' has helped keep me sane. A bit later she TM that she was leaving ... then again that she was 10 min away. I had S ready to go, even fed him dinner so she was not rushed. She was pretty quick to leave, asked me about my day but I felt that was just small talk .... I am sure she is dealing with a full plate at the moment, the Job thing, her own stuff, she said she was not feeling well again so adding anything else would just be a fight. I feel currently we are both just feeling each other out. I TM her goodnight and did not get a reply till the A.M. that she fell asleep early ... then she told me about a possible new job, about what S was doing this morning, I wished her a good day and left it at that.
I forgot to add, Last Monday when I dropped off S, she asked if I was going to hug her, it was an awkward stand off just prior to that ... we did hug, my guard has been up but I am trying to work on that. We talked a bit and I told her that S and I would pick her up at 6:40 Friday for her birthday so we could take her out to dinner. I work Friday nights ... me working typically 3 nights a week over the years was a big issue in our marriage I have let all those nights except Friday go ... just so happens this year it falls on her birthday. So she assumed it would be dinner and I would go to work, I could see the disappointment on her face .. I was going to make it a surprise but I told her I took the night off (This is hard for me to do , getting someone to cover is extremely difficult). So for me this is a HUGE 180, she looked up and just muttered "Really? ... wow!" I told her its her birthday and I am trying.
I think ^^^^ was a good move, part of the new Cali 2.0 ..... and the start of me letting go and trying. I was holding onto last year, I took the weekend off and booked a weekend up in Santa Barbara (her Fav place) and we had a nice weekend ... but things were still a bit 'off', we were about 2 weeks into MC at that time. As soon as we got back she went cold and distant and yup back to OM, I felt used and was upset. I never lashed out at the time but was hurt about it. I had shared this with W a few weeks ago when she brought up her B-day was the day before S's First Communion hinting that we could not plan a trip .... she loves trips. So anyways, dinner for her Bday, might pick her up a small gift or something but nothing like years past, not punishing but just would be to much to fast I think to get her anything substantial.
Slow and steady Cali. You seem to be moving slowly and steadily and honestly, it feels very appropriate.
I hope by now you trust your feelings and instincts and can tell the difference between now and before. i.e. recognize the triggers and what they represent in the past vs. the present.
Glad to see you working on you. And being honest about your feelings along the way. I think that no matter how things turn out, you'll be better for it.
Your W TM'ing you that she'll be late and then that she's a few minutes away. Very respectful of your time. That's a good thing, Cali. She is trying to rebuild your trust if you ask me.
Don't be easily discouraged. Just like when this all started, it goes two steps forward and one step sideways at times. But when you see the bigger picture it can look a lot different than the immediate actions. And its a two-way street. Keep that in mind as time goes on
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yeah there really is a difference. Even the heated spats, recently she has tried to diffuse with a joke .. this has happened twice, it was more the way we used to fight/argue. SO I am taking things slow, I have been looking at MC's for the past 2 days researching them and weeding out some I just do not feel would work well with us ... trouble is twice now the ones I thought would be a good fit are booked solid ... proves to me my research is good.
Yeah I had a Eureka moment realizing I could make this impossible if I chose to, or I could be honest and look in the mirror and ask myself, are you really upset with the current issue or is this a past hurt that you are putting in its place ... proves I have been doing a good share of the later. Constantly re-evaluating me and where I am at has helped, I admittedly was in a funk for a bit, due to the rise of old emotions and hurts ... could have let that mess up all the work I have done but I refuse to go that far backwards. I think the nice thing is W recognizes she will slip here and there and I will to, but there does seem to be some acceptance of that for each other though we have not really come out and said it.
And yeah, she does seem to be telling me where she is, sharing these things without me asking ... honestly I was not thinking "Oh she is with OM again" because if I have learned anything .. I can not control that anyways and I refuse to let it control me.
I do look forward to the day when I can sell this mirror to some newbie here for a good chunk of change and take all the vets out for a drink, but I have a feeling I am supposed to take it with me.
I think the past two weeks I was in the middle of a growth spurt, for whatever reason alot of those old feelings resurfaced and threw me for a loop, but I dealt with them .. admittedly I was caught off guard, almost scared ... then I realized ... if I did not feel anything I should have most likely been MORE worried as those thigns would fester and most likely build up and erupt later, at a most critical time. I could deal and sort out what I was feeli9ng and why without it really effecting anyone, nor anyone cept you fine people even knowing about it.
I feel pretty strong and good today.
Last night I had S, late scrimmage for baseball, I ran the pitch machine and was talking trash to my boys ... they were not ready for my machine assisted heater, curve, slider, change up ... granted every pitch was the same but my trash talking skills would switch up. My S CRUSHED one the first at bat and ... well turns out .. apple/tree he was talking junk as he rounded first on his way to a stand up double ... just a fun night.
W's birthday is tomorrow, I had made reservations and took the night off ... Cali 1.0 would not have done these things..... ever. W TM telling me she is not feeling well and needs to eat clean, asked to cancel dinner. I was a bit miffed atfirst as I made these reservations at a really nice place, and that not sure part of me wondered if she might pull something like having plans to do her own thing ... I quickly just canceled the reservations and figured either way I have the night off and would enjoy myself regardless of what I did ... with or without W. She TM later on asking if I would cook her one of my famous steaks, she said she really missed them, along with the mashed potatoes... these things fall into eating clean for her, and I do like to cook so I said sure. After she asked if we could stay in and finish the movie we started last week, and then wanted to go see the new movie Sat night with S after his communion. All good by me and actually sounds fun.
Seems the glimpses of the old W are more and more frequent (she even jokes a bit here and there, that was gone for the past 3-4 years) but the old Cali 1.0 less and less. Now its a matter of if W 2.0 is compatible with Cali 2.0 (going on 3.0). Time will tell. I am currently 0-3 in the MC search, the good ones are taken but I will continue to research and find the right one for us. I am also pleased W contacted the priest and looks like they have something set up and he is going to help her with some things she is struggling with, I fell this is basically the IC she may need and I do think she can benefit from Father D, he is a genuinely amazing man.... I think he can help her.
I have my GAL softball playoff game tonight ... wanted to ride the Harley but I will have S tagging along till W picks him up from the field. Still all good. Work is busy but I am staying on top of it for the most part... things just seem to be in the place they should be, it will all take time but at the moment I will just take the small amounts of peace that have been given to me.
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