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CaliGuy Offline OP
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This is like 14 threads .. I can not believe it. I was sure I would have my M fixed and be wishing you all the best of luck by my 30th post .. hahahah .. oh thats rich.

Ok Last thread for those looking through archives trying to figure things out:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...part=10&q=1


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Ugh ... lost my post.

Ok, Update time ... things are moving and I am feeling a bit better with my feet back on solid ground.

Last night I picked up S and we went off to his baseball practice. W TM asking where she should get him, I reply the field as he has practice. She calls .... spewing a bit about how she wanted to just go home, had a terrible day ... I told her I would just drop off S after practice then and ended the call. I was a bit miffed, her being selfish sometimes really gets to me then I realized ... I just 'fixed' it ... I kicked myself and realized I was more angry at myself once I realized what I did than I was with her. I missed out on my church meeting, one I was really looking forward to.

W TM just as we are about done that she is at verizon, I can keep S that night or she would pick him up after. I replied I would just keep him, at this point its easier for me and its bonus time with S that I do enjoy. I was a bit miffed she could go do her stuff but not be there for S and his practice, again with the selfishness... but I let it go. S called her at bedtime as usual, she sounded depressed and sad like she had been crying. After S and I went to bed, as I was dozing off W TM "I'm having a crisis today. I'm sorry" then said she was going to bed and goodnight ... I did not reply and just fell asleep.

I drop S off and she invites me in, just as I get in .. huge hug from her, then she said she has needed a hug from me since yesterday, how yesterday was a terrible day. I asked her what was so terrible about it and she just shook her head not wanting to talk. I let it go and told her I hoped she had a better day ... another big hug. Then she grabbed a bag and handed it to me, *Curve Ball Alert* in the bag was some thick warm socks, some of the salts and spices that she can have, a pillow for her neck ... she said she wanted me to have these at my place for when she comes over. I joked with a smile and said ... are you hinting you want some of my cooking?? She looked up at me .. yeah that look.. and said "I just need some time" my poker face failed and I was a touch disappointed .. felt like rejection .. she asked what was wrong, why I 'changed' and I told her, she then said .. no no no .. very softly and kind and said she had some things she needed to take care of and get past (hinting OM) I was calm and said .. this is why we can not go into MC, you need to be done with that before we can even start to work on 'this'.

Then she started to share but stopped, told me it was not what I thought it was .. I told her calmly and sternly I am done with the secrets, if she wanted to have them and continue to live this way she was free to do so but I can't. She then opened up and I sipped on my STFU Smoothie. Things all made so much more sense as she spoke and shared, I could see a few reasons why she was spinning, things that were setting her off and when over the past 3 weeks.

So ... here is the story. OM and W are over, OM wants W to lose his number and stay out of his life. W says she has no problem with this but is waiting till Sept for the second STD screeneing to make sure she there is nothing else there. Not sure but maybe OM is another MLC'r .. I have no idea, but looks like after the A started falling apart last year, OM had told OMW that W gave him the STD (Sounds like there is a OW 2,3+ going on for him), apparently OM is wanting to avoid D, OMW has contacted W and said they should meet and put all the cards on the table. This sent W spinning a couple weeks ago as OMW tracked her down and called her at work. This is why W had to go to verizon last night, to get a dummy phone for the call with OMW as she feels she needs to tell her the truth and that the STD did not come from her but from OW2 or 3... W said she would want to know and this will give her closure so she can put it all behind her and move on. I know my W, and as strange as it is I agree with her, even with this she will have a hard time letting go, and she will have a lifetime reminder of this experience.

I thanked her and shared how this 'secret' was far worse than the actuality ... that I would not ask for all details but when I do I want honesty and no more secrets, she thanked me for being understanding. Was a good exchange, she also explained to me why she is pushing MC, in her head she needs dates, a time line ( I laughed at this ... thinking .. ok the irony is to much here) to her she wants to close this book, and begin her life and just wants to know the next step is planned out an in place. Again ... knowing her this makes sense and is more of the pre MLC behavior that is who she used to be like.

This exchange was one of the more open and honest ones we have had in years, I was able to get alot off my chest and she did to without either of us being emotional, more like .. ok here is where we are lets get through this. I seen a peek at that girl I married today, was nice to see her honestly ... I am still grounded and firm in my boundaries, if anything I am more convinced I am doing the right thing by keeping to my path .. she has work to do ... but seems she really is trying here.


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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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AJM Offline
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Quote:
if anything I am more convinced I am doing the right thing by keeping to my path
agreed. Wholeheartedly.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Cali,

I am of the firm belief that your W is at the beginning stages of reintegration. That process usually lasts approximately 2 years. You're in for a bumpy several months before things begin to level out a bit. Just giving you a heads up there, bud.

You're doing so well and I like your STFU Smoothie. What flavor was it?! cool

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You are handling this so so awesome Cali. Really, I am so impressed.

You seem very grounded, stay on that path, just as you are. From here, you are definitely the rock, in a really good way smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali,

I am of the firm belief that your W is at the beginning stages of reintegration. That process usually lasts approximately 2 years. You're in for a bumpy several months before things begin to level out a bit. Just giving you a heads up there, bud.

You're doing so well and I like your STFU Smoothie. What flavor was it?! cool



Are you saying this MLC thing lasts awhile? Oh Goody laugh LOL .... yeah I get that feeling that there is going to be some serious cycling, I guess I have just accepted she will do as she does ... I will continue growing and staying on my side of the street

That smoothie is an aquired taste ... not so good at first but ya get used to it ... sorta


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
You are handling this so so awesome Cali. Really, I am so impressed.

You seem very grounded, stay on that path, just as you are. From here, you are definitely the rock, in a really good way smile


Thank you mleigh ... one day at a time right?


M: 48
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BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Just journaling a bit and keeping logs of whats going on.

Yesterday S and W did his Communion retreat, she sent a few pics, TM here and there ... nothing earth shattering really. I got off work did a few things and met up with them at the park nearby as I promised S we could toss the ball around before I went to my softball game. W was friendly but you could tell she had alot going on, she walked around the park with the dog off in her own world as S and I played catch. As we were finishing up she said she was ready to go home, I ended up changing into my softball gear there and went to my game.

Not a peep all night but I was doing my thing so really did not notice ... this morning W calls on her way to work just to chat ... this is increasing as of late. She asked if she woke me up and I laughed as I was at work just had a frog in my throat, she joked and said for some reason she thought I got locked in the bathroom at the park where I changed ... I joked back and said if that were the case its nice she waited 12 hours to make sure I was ok. We chatted for 45 minutes ... some light .. some a bit deeper. I drank that STFU smoothie as she told me she is talking to OMW Monday, she told me some of the history, I am not sure why I did not stop her but I guess I was ok hearing some of it ... trying to learn from it I guess and she is opening up to me alot and seems to really want to be honest and upfront .... 180 from all the lies and deception from a year ago. She told me she has to get re-tested (STD) in September along with a sarcastic comment that would be my birthday present, I did not find the humor in this one ... she back peddled and apologized. (Again .. not like her to be very apologetic)

She recently completely erased FB, not sure why .... but its gone, she told me she was going remove all her social media, I looked and yup, she did .... not sure what her motivation is there but again .. not my circus, not my monkeys.

She brought up MC again, I was a bit better on this ... plus the timing worked in my favor as it was just after the OM/OMW discussion, I told her for me there has to be closure there before I was ready, She asked when that would be ... I told her I was not sure but when I feel that book is closed and done then I will make the appointment, I made sure she understood where I was coming from and really put it on me, not her .... I told her I am still processing things and I want to be fair and not move forward until I was ready, seemed to work much better.

So things are still moving, they are better , feels like there is a connection starting to develop ... again I am cautious and moving slowly.


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BD Sept13



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Cali,

uR and I are of the same mind in keeping things real with posters here in MLC-land. I do want to respond to these comments:

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

She brought up MC again, I was a bit better on this ... plus the timing worked in my favor as it was just after the OM/OMW discussion, I told her for me there has to be closure there before I was ready, She asked when that would be ... I told her I was not sure but when I feel that book is closed and done then I will make the appointment, I made sure she understood where I was coming from and really put it on me, not her .... I told her I am still processing things and I want to be fair and not move forward until I was ready, seemed to work much better.


I can understand the need to be in a self-protection mode...totally. Yet I think it is important that you don't want to continue holding this Sword of Damocles over W's throat thus reminder her of the "pain" she inflected on you. At some point, you're going have to make a conscious choice to move beyond it.

In W's mind, she's making sincere efforts to begin repairing the damage and she's seeking professional help for YOU TWO. That is huge in my book for most MLCers tend to look at the LBS as a wingman as to what the next steps 'should' be on a path forward. She's taking the initiative which should be commended and applauded.

It would be valuable to W to acknowledge her effort in taking the initiative in seeking out a MC for the greater good of the M. I do hope you will make a similar comment to W at some point. I sense that deep down W wants recognition and acknowledgement for her efforts in that regard.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali,

uR and I are of the same mind in keeping things real with posters here in MLC-land. I do want to respond to these comments:

I can understand the need to be in a self-protection mode...totally. Yet I think it is important that you don't want to continue holding this Sword of Damocles over W's throat thus reminder her of the "pain" she inflected on you. At some point, you're going have to make a conscious choice to move beyond it.

In W's mind, she's making sincere efforts to begin repairing the damage and she's seeking professional help for YOU TWO. That is huge in my book for most MLCers tend to look at the LBS as a wingman as to what the next steps 'should' be on a path forward. She's taking the initiative which should be commended and applauded.

It would be valuable to W to acknowledge her effort in taking the initiative in seeking out a MC for the greater good of the M. I do hope you will make a similar comment to W at some point. I sense that deep down W wants recognition and acknowledgement for her efforts in that regard.


Yeah I see your point Wonka .. and you are right, the fact she is reaching out the olive branch so to speak is huge and requires a good deal of courage on her part. We have discussed the MC a bit this past week or so, I am truly on the fence to be honest ... knowing we need it and accepting that, but just very timid as the past experiences were not good .... I need to let that go, the A is over. W during these talks did share she felt like she was ganged up on in the last session (Rightfully so, I was still so hurt and angry from all the lies and deception that were still going on at that time), I get that .. I had no idea of MLC at the time, nor was I DBing 'officially', I never really begged and pleaded to my credit, but I admittedly could have handled things much better ... heck .. I still am at that point where I question if I am handling this correctly at the moment. My stance was I would not go to MC till A was done .... well its done, so why am I holding that Sword of Damocles as you aptly put it, I need to think about that.
The other thing that I am reflecting on is the way she feels ... she knows she cheated, I do not remind her nor need to ... but obviously this will be brought up in MC, its something we will have to address and get past. Maybe it is time for MC, she has a point ... we both admitted we do not know where to start, having the MC apt may ease the pressure from her knowing I have accepted whats been done and am looking towards the future ... if she is going to go to IC thats on her 100% regardless.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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