Saw my old thread was getting close to locked, so I started this one.
Latest post:
See..there are no coincidences. I see your post, mahhhty, and I am coming in tonight to see what people think.
She is in town for two days for a conference and brought S5 early. Came to the house, and S5 showed all the great changes we've made, how clean it is, etc. She looked impressed. She saw that I had cleaned the garage and neatly boxed and stored her stuff together. We went and had a good dinner. I showed her the pictures of the weekends S5 and I have been having, and then she started breaking out into tears. I got us out of there pretty quickly, got home, and got S5 busy on his own so that he wouldn't have to see his mother cry.
Then she started R talk, and I let her lead.
Positive key points - she misses me, home, and the people here. She misses our family together. She has allegedly pulled way back from OM following our last phone conversation, claiming to see him only once a week for just a couple hours. She does not consider up there home, her family is still not meeting her needs and remaining dim. She asked about what it would take to save the marriage. She is unhappy with her job. The apt is not a home. She cries a lot/the grass is not greener. OM is not keeping with the promises he had made. Her close friends up there do not support the A (new info to me). She recognizes some of the changes I've made. She really sounded like she doesn't want the D. She stayed for 5.5 hours, when I only expected her to be in and out, and wanted to keep talking about things.
Remorse? - She admitted talking to OM so much was wrong. He said all the right things and gave all the attention she wanted. She said it was wrong to start the A with him. She didn't want what happened to us to happen. She is afraid I won't trust her, which I acknowledged as something WE would have to work on and outlined a NC boundary with OM. She thought moving up there was the right decision, but it apparently wasn't. She realizes she hurt a lot of people, especially me, and is afraid that people won't forgive her. She doesn't want S5 to grow up without his parents together. She has been scared to come back in town because of what people would think (acknowledgment of doing wrong?). She acknowledges that she neglected me, and herself, by throwing herself into just being a mother and not a wife or friend.
Regarding potential reconciliation - She is afraid that we could work on this and it not work out. She doesn't know where to start to repair things (I gave a couple suggestions using advice from here and DB that I've read). She would want to sell the house as part of the healing process to start fresh. She would want MC. Even though she feels like she is waffling, everything she said points back to wanting to R. I told her to tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems her heart is telling her what to do.
We laughed. We played with S5. We parented him together.
She asked if she could come back to the house when the conference finishes for the day tomorrow. I thanked her for asking and assured her it would be fine with me.
What do you guys think? This could be a turnaround or it could be a potential false R. I want to make sure I take the best steps forward. I'm not going to pursue or pressure her tomorrow with trying to jump back into R talk. I will let her lead again.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Wow. This is wonderful. Congratulations and I am glad you are back, even if it is momentarily.
It sounds like you did wonderfully. I would let her lead, validate, but be noncommittal. I think you should that these ideas do speak to you, but that you need to think privately.
I think it is required to treat this as a possible moment of weakness. There are a lot of current discussions regarding the "wishy washy" -ness of WAS at this stage.
Be careful! But I am happy for you Squiggy!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Yes, I'm watching for the wishy washy-ness right now, didn't call my L to put things on hold, and didn't say move back right now! The thing that really got me thinking was an earlier post starsky made in one of my old threads about the stages of remorse. It was in my head last night while we were talking and got me thinking if it was movement forward to the next step. I had to journal in order to process through my thoughts and get back to being calm, cool, and even again.
I do plan on letting her lead. Not only is it one of my 180s, but it's also the best thing to do at this point. Potential scared little squirrel in my palm.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Just realized I never followed up with what happened the next couple of days as well as really noticing something she said - the What will it take? question. Anyway, no expectations.
The next day she came back over after she had asked if it was fine and then went through some of her stuff in the garage. She found a book on surviving infidelity (we're both therapists, so it's not a shock) and decided she would take it. She stated she wanted to read it and get some more understanding on how things ended up the way they did and see what suggestions it may have.
We hung out with S5 for a while, no R talk, and then I went and made some dinner without announcing it. It tasted great and was noticed. We then went outside, and S5 and I played baseball. She took a long video of the two of us playing together. Afterwards, she helped with giving him a bath and then putting him to bed. At one point she found an old photo frame of the two of us together from early in the R and looked at it fondly. Shortly after he was in bed, she thanked me for letting her come over.
The next day she video called to talk to S5 and tell him she was headed back up to the apt, even though he was asking if she would come back to him and daddy. She said she was sorry and had to drive to feed his cat. He walked away and she explained she couldn't stay that late and drive the long distance after the two long days. I validated her fatigue and apologized for her being out so late. She said not to apologize and that she did not regret it.
Over the weekend she continued to respect my time with S5 and would ask before trying to talk to him. At the exchange I gently asked if she gave any thought to our conversation, and she stated she is working on it (shouldn't have done that). I left it alone at that. I did notice the book was not with all the other things she hadn't unpacked yet for her office. I did show her some of the photos from S5 and I this weekend, and she enjoyed looking at them.
I'm going to go back to being dim. Actions speak louder than words, and even though I've heard the What will it take? question, I know that so far those are only words. If she is going to actually look at trying to piece the M back together, it will take actions to show me that she is sincere. Besides, I have a lot of changes I'm making now as it is. New job starts next Monday that will be significantly less stressful and give me a lot more flexibility and opportunity. Finally have a dishwasher that works again! The house is looking great, and I am still trucking on.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy.... That seems like a very nice time. I wish you the best of luck. In regards to being dim. I think that is perfect. As many people say, it is about doing what works. What you had been doing previously was working. I think it is prudent to continue to do that, let her piece her life back together. Keep on keeping on!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Squiggy! Good to hear from you, and pleased to hear things sounding more positive with your sitch. Try not to push as you already said above. Your W is thinking - that's good.
Just keep on being awesome Squiggy, and don't worry too much about what she's up to right now. OM is still in the picture somewhere, so proceed with caution.
Good luck x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks guys. I'm trying not to force anything. I have to keep reminding myself that actions speak much louder than words. I already have many things moving forward in my life, and I need to focus on those for now.
mahhhty - It was a bittersweet time. A glimpse into what could be. She has work to do herself, most definitely, and I will let her do so. Must work on my patience still
Toots - I don't know if it's more positive or not in regards to moving towards her returning. With the lack of trust I have right now, I find myself questioning her sincerity over those two days. That is the most difficult thing I'm dealing with right now.
Wonka - Trying. I'm really trying. My closest confidante is tired of hearing me think things through. I need to let go and get back to the level of detachment I had before. Hope can be a wonderful thing, or it can tear you apart. Frankly, I'm trying to choose C and tell hope to kick it to the curb for now.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Got a video call this morning from WW. S5 was throwing a massive tantrum in the car, and she wanted help to calm him down, which I did. I supported her and calmed him down.
Got a voice call while I was in the shower and returned it afterwards. It was about us being on the same page with parenting, and I told her a little of what I do but not too much. Then there was more R talk initiated by her. Allegedly OM is now out of the picture. She feels as though she needs to take some time and work on herself and S5. I responded that I understand her feeling and reminded her that the situation has changed. She is a mother and a wife, and the time for doing things alone passed a long time ago. I still did not push any agenda and kept it clear that I am not changing the steps I've made. However, I did put in that IF she chose to fully commit, she would not move back in right away, because I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. We would take time to see things through, which addressed a fear she mentioned in the conversation about being afraid that she would return and things would go back to how they were. Apparently she has been reading the book as well. She said that we will talk very soon about all of this.
I'm still trying to not have expectations. I do have a lot of doubt at this point to the sincerity and/or intentions of her words, because a significant amount of trust has been lost. I'm going to keep moving along.
Did have a great meeting with the new job to get myself squared away on e-mail, clients, staff, and the database. I definitely have that to look forward to!
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy - Congrats on the new job! It sounds as if she is coming around a little bit, and she is addressing the reality that she has work to do. I am sure it is very difficult to try to have these piecing conversations without trying to push an agenda. Please try your best and use finesse! Keep on keeping on!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
