desprate! Is my wife in midlife crisis?

[MrBond]

"Has any H ever really got there W BACK?"

Yes.

Listen to the posters here. Read DB and DR.

Can you give us more of your marriage history? You can do this.

[LouR]

I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but glad you have as you will get advise and support to get you through this minefield.

Everyone has different stories and are at various stages, some will be similar to yours, so read as many threads as you can and you will find ones that really resonate with you - as you are in the early stages (sorry to be the bearer of bad news) I advise you read stories from the beginning as then you will see how far others have come - it really is a long process for the lbs and the mlc'er, something I have struggled to accept myself.

Your w is in her own world now, spinning around trying to desperately seek happiness, she has not yet figured out that happiness comes from within, so until she does she will be searching for it - don't allow her to drag you along with her on her quest as it will destroy you - this is now all about YOU, taking control of your life, your actions and your thoughts.

I know that you are not getting the answer you are hoping to see, it is really demoralizing I know, but take this day by day, minute by minute if need be. Ask questions, vent or ramble about how you feel or even just about your day, someone is always here to listen.

You will be ok, you will get through this.

[junior1]

Thanks, the journey is going to Suck. My mind tells me to run, but my heart wants to stay and fight for my marriage.

[junior1]

This is so painful! Fighting for my marrige, but can't do nothing! Just sit and watch while everything gets destroyed. I given her almost everything. Still calls to talk about how I need to take the kids every weekend and for the summer. I love my kids, but I don't even have my own place. It's like she needs her weekend to go party! She just started to work, but I know she won't have enough to pay the bills. Then I know she will use the kids, that is for them! I'm losing it cause I'm not that ahole that she keeps calling me, it's like I still want to help her. For some strange reason I still feel like HER HUSBAND! smh!

[junior1]

Been together 15 years married 18, have 3 boys 1 girl, that I raised since she was 4 month old she is now 18 with my grandson of 16 months old. My boys are 12,15, and 16. My D18 doesn't know that I'm not her biological father she was 17 I was 21 when we meet. I was not the greatest husband in the beginning, I was to busy working on my car and cruising, so she stayed at home. My biggest mistake was on her 30th birthday, my high school friend from school kissed me outside while I was drunk. I pushed her off, but it was to late her family and friends saw it. With them that time after that I got sick. I got diabetes had my toes amputated. I've been in and out of the hospital. Last November 13 they amputated more of my leg, and all that medication, they killed my kidneys. Now I'm starting dialysis. It's been 7 weeks that I left the apartment. First it was take time apart to start over. To the next day I want a divorce. I know she's been talking to another man. She's acting like a lil school girl in love, while he's telling her everything that she wasn't too hear! I found phone records, text, they both have me blocked from fb and instagram, but all of our friend see the extreme flirting and they don't hide it, but she says there friend, but she is emotionally attached to him. I got the apartment, the kids, the car, I giving her $500 month, know she wants me to take the kids every weekend and for the summer! Wth! She doesn't want any responsibility, just everything else. She is 34 going on 35 in 2 month I am 40. She's working out like crazy, to much into her looks, dressing more sexy, and going out and drinking every weekend! This was not my wife!

[CaliGuy]

Been together 15 years married 18, have 3 boys 1 girl, that I raised since she was 4 month old she is now 18 with my grandson of 16 months old. My boys are 12,15, and 16. My D18 doesn't know that I'm not her biological father she was 17 I was 21 when we meet. I was not the greatest husband in the beginning, I was to busy working on my car and cruising, so she stayed at home. My biggest mistake was on her 30th birthday, my high school friend from school kissed me outside while I was drunk. I pushed her off, but it was to late her family and friends saw it. With them that time after that I got sick. I got diabetes had my toes amputated. I've been in and out of the hospital. Last November 13 they amputated more of my leg, and all that medication, they killed my kidneys. Now I'm starting dialysis. It's been 7 weeks that I left the apartment. First it was take time apart to start over. To the next day I want a divorce. I know she's been talking to another man. She's acting like a lil school girl in love, while he's telling her everything that she wasn't too hear! I found phone records, text, they both have me blocked from fb and instagram, but all of our friend see the extreme flirting and they don't hide it, but she says there friend, but she is emotionally attached to him. I got the apartment, the kids, the car, I giving her $500 month, know she wants me to take the kids every weekend and for the summer! Wth! She doesn't want any responsibility, just everything else. She is 34 going on 35 in 2 month I am 40. She's working out like crazy, to much into her looks, dressing more sexy, and going out and drinking every weekend! This was not my wife!

Junior ... deep breaths.

That stuff in bold up there ^^^ Stop. Its either mindreading or its out of your control. One of the first things I learned here was the fact we can only control ourselves. Seems easy enough right? But I know its not ... had I had my way I might have chained up my W till she came to her senses, well it just does not work that way. If its MLC (And its possible here) then she is already set off on her journey ... now you must embark on yours. I know physically you may have some obstacles, but most the work that needs to be done is between the ears. Let her go for now, the harder you try to hold on the more she will fight you, Trust me.

Lets take the focus off her and what she is doind .. lets put it on you right now. What kind of man would you like to look at in the mirror when things are all said and done ... not the broken one you are now I would assume. Lets start by you doing something you enjoy ... dive into it .. lets get your PMA up.

Do you have the DB or DL books? Start with the basics .. Detach, 180, PMA ... you will get through this.

[LouR]

Detaching yourself from your w is NOT giving up on your marriage and its NOT saying your are no longer her h. Choosing to stand for your marriage is your right and choice, but standing does not mean staying still and waiting to see what happens -

Your w is on a journey, she will be away for sometime and she will test you to your limits on every level, so to keep you sane and strong you need to place as much focus on you as you can, keeping yourself healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally.

Start to see this in different way - its a opportunity to grow as an individual, find the parts of you that you lost along the way in your m, its a chance to try something new - go back to something you used to enjoy and gave up.

Cali said it so well

Lets take the focus off her and what she is doind .. lets put it on you right now. What kind of man would you like to look at in the mirror when things are all said and done ... not the broken one you are now I would assume. Lets start by you doing something you enjoy ... dive into it .. lets get your PMA up.

Its a lot to take in - your doing really well.

[junior1]

I tried to go dark, but the boys needed something so I go to see them. We start talking and she started telling me how she told the kids that she loves the other guy and she had no more feelings for me. Damn that hurt.i told her don't give up on me and waste 18 years, all she can say was how can I find us, if she stop loving me years ago, and can't see us happy. That's she's confused, the OM understand her. Trying guys to be strong, but this pain is winning! She said I was like in the movie CLICK, I was here physically, but not emotionally. So I apologized and told her how an idiot I was for taking her for granted! She just kept saying idk how to turn off the switch for my love for him, that how can I hurt him. So hugged her gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her don't stop believing in me and I love her, and I left. She text me and said "I really need you to let me be, and I need time to figure things out". So how bad did I screw this up?

[LouR]

Junior I am really feeling for you, it brings flashbacks of what my h said to me before he left.

Please try and stop the begging/apologizing, (I was guilty of this and believe me it gets you nowhere) its degrading to yourself and all it does is make you come across as needy and desperate to your w ...do you think that guy is appealing to her? Nah, a strong capable guy is, one who is in control of himself, one who she can respect.

She will blame everything and everyone but herself for why she feels like she does, that is a part of being in crisis, she has no control over her emotions (just like a teenager). She is trying to lessen the guilt by passing it on to you, don't believe anything she says, really don't, tomorrow she will probably say/do the complete opposite.

junior - this is such a tough process you are going through, it will take you to places within you you never knew existed and you will find strength you never knew you had. You will get through this, the pain will lessen, its that horrible word ....time.

Stop for a moment, take a breath and then let it out slowly. Remind yourself of the importance of YOU in all of this. Do something for just you today - anything, even if it just small. Start to push focus and importance on yourself - this will help you and your boys.

Keep moving forward, you can do this -

[junior1]

Been together 15 years married 18, have 3 boys 1 girl, that I raised since she was 4 month old she is now 18 with my grandson of 16 months old. My boys are 12,15, and 16. My D18 doesn't know that I'm not her biological father she was 17 I was 21 when we meet. I was not the greatest husband in the beginning, I was to busy working on my car and cruising, so she stayed at home. My biggest mistake was on her 30th birthday, my high school friend from school kissed me outside while I was drunk. I pushed her off, but it was to late her family and friends saw it. With them that time after that I got sick. I got diabetes had my toes amputated. I've been in and out of the hospital. Last November 13 they amputated more of my leg, and all that medication, they killed my kidneys. Now I'm starting dialysis. It's been 7 weeks that I left the apartment. First it was take time apart to start over. To the next day I want a divorce. I know she's been talking to another man. She's acting like a lil school girl in love, while he's telling her everything that she wasn't too hear! I found phone records, text, they both have me blocked from fb and instagram, but all of our friend see the extreme flirting and they don't hide it, but she says there friend, but she is emotionally attached to him. I gave her the apartment, the kids, the car, I giving her $500 month, know she wants me to take the kids every weekend and for the summer! Wth! She doesn't want any responsibility, just everything else. She is 34 going on 35 in 2 month I am 40. She's working out like crazy, to much into her looks, dressing more sexy, and going out and drinking every weekend! Tried to go dark, but the boys needed something so I go to see them. We start talking and she started telling me how she told the kids that she loves the other guy and she had no more feelings for me. Damn that hurt.i told her don't give up on me and waste 18 years, all she can say was how can I find us, if she stop loving me years ago, and can't see us happy. That's she's confused, the OM understand her. Trying to be strong, but this pain is winning! She said I was like in the movie CLICK, I was here physically, but not emotionally. So I apologized and told her how an idiot I was for taking her for granted! She just kept saying idk how to turn off the switch for my love for OM, that how can I hurt him. So hugged her gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her don't stop believing in me and I love her, and I left. She text me and said "I really need you to let me be, and I need time to figure things out". So how bad did I screw this up? I don't want to lose my soul mate, I just got comfortable and took her for granted and I admit it! Don't want to lose my wife to some guy she meet online, and they have a true connection! Plz I'm desperate!