Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
J
junior1 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
So after 18 years my wife wants a divorce. We had our ups and downs. We just moved to a new apartment then she tells me she wants so time apart, so I agreed to go to me brothers for awhile so we can have some space. A week later she tells me she wants a divorce! She said she'd been unhappy for years, that were poison together, she's faked the marriage for years for the kids, and that she loves me, but she doesn't feel anything for me. I've caught her chatting with other men on fb and on instagram. Is to much into her looks dressing sexier, working out allot, long showers singing love songs naked in the mirrors for at least 2 hours staring at herself. She is fixing to turn 35, I am 40 we have 4 kids and a grand baby, but doesn't tell people that she is a grandma. I am sick right now, had an amputation 4 years ago, going thru dialysis right now waiting for a kidney transplant. She stopped working in November. I've been holding the house hold by myself with my income that's not allot since I'm disabled. I left to my brother for about 6 weeks now. She wants a divorce, but she wants the apartment the car to find work and the kids, while I still pay or give her child support. I'm still paying everything and that freaking cell phone, knowing that she talks to other guys (so called her friend, that she never met, she says) I love my wife, she is not the person I know. What to do? So confused and hurt, but still holding on by a string! Help plz! Is this MLC or I'm just a bad husband! Junior


Junior
D18, S16, S15 , S12 Gs15months
M moved out March/15 2 days later wanted divorce. OM so called friends since Nov/14.
April 22/15 they are now more than friends.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539710#Post2539710

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: junior1
Is this MLC

Sounds like it could be!

You need to protect yourself financially.

She can have the apartment but you should not be paying for it.
Cut off the cell phone too.

Speak with a lawyer for a free consultation and see what your rights are.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am so sorry that you are here, but you are among a good group of people who are at various stages of dealing w/the crisis people.

Please protect your assets. Remove her from the credit cards or call and reduce the credit card limit. If she wants a cell phone, she can pay for it. If you are paying for the apartment, move back in. If she wants a divorce, then she should be the one to move out, not you. Is there public transportation near the apartment? If so, she can use it. You need the car for your appointments, etc.

I know it's devastating to have your wife drop this bomb, i.e., telling you she wants a divorce. She's in fantasyland and there's nothing you can do to convince her to return to reality. She is in the "me" mode and trust me, she is only worried about herself. You will need to keep the focus on you and your children right now. If she is in crisis, it's a long haul and some come out of it and others don't.

Time to think about YOU...protect yourself at all costs. Again, I would move back into the apartment and let her go find some place to live. Keep in mind, she could very well state that you walked out and left them. Continue to take care of your children...but her...don't make it easy for her.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
J
junior1 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
Not making it easy for her, does that work if I want her back? Trying not to be that ahole, but ay the same time I feel like an idiot paying for everything. Thinking I'm still her husband. One minute she's Ok when I'm paying for things then she'll get mad if I question something, then blow up in my face that she doesn't promise me nothing. Weekend comes I get the kids, she's out partying with idk who. Now I see new things like cosmetics, shoes, and miscellaneous things. I know she don't have money. I want my old wife back, but how!


Junior
D18, S16, S15 , S12 Gs15months
M moved out March/15 2 days later wanted divorce. OM so called friends since Nov/14.
April 22/15 they are now more than friends.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
J
junior1 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
One minute she's Ok, next minute she's telling me to move on. I am confused. If this is a MLC. Has anybody had a return back from there nightmare, mine don't feel like it's going any better. It's like they say the heart wants what it wants, and that's my wife back! What to do!


Junior
D18, S16, S15 , S12 Gs15months
M moved out March/15 2 days later wanted divorce. OM so called friends since Nov/14.
April 22/15 they are now more than friends.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
J
junior1 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 23
Has any H ever really got there W BACK?


Junior
D18, S16, S15 , S12 Gs15months
M moved out March/15 2 days later wanted divorce. OM so called friends since Nov/14.
April 22/15 they are now more than friends.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: junior1
Has any H ever really got there W BACK?

The moderator on this forum Jack3Beans to name some one


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Have you read the homework that Cadet provided to you? If so, you will come to realize that MLC takes years and depression is the major driver. Confusion will play out throughout the entire crisis. One minute things are fine, the next she will be all over the place, i.e., monster mode, wanting a divorce.

As for not making things easier for her...regardless of whether you want to make things easier for her, she's on a path of self destruction and yes, destruction of everything around her. No matter what you do or don't do, she will not be happy. She's looking for that illusive happiness and until she bottoms out and comes to realize that happiness comes from within, she'll continue to look.

YOU and only YOU can protect your assets and keep a close eye on your financials. Don't rely on her to be honest w/you. Mlcers are selfish and self absorb and do not care if you are living on the street w/two nickels to rub together, just as long as they get what they want and when they want it. You can rationalize w/someone who is irrational.

Continue to move forward and pray that she returns to this earth a more mature woman...but it's a long, long way off. Her crisis didn't begin at the bomb drop, but at 18-24 months before she announced she wanted out. There's nothing you can do to change her course...the only control you have is over yourself and what you do w/your life while she's on the Mother Ship.

Read as much as you can on MLC. The more knowledge you have, the better you will understand that you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. Dig deep for patience, as you will need it on your journey.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Junior .... breathe

If this is MLC, and its possible by the sounds of it and what you described, this will not be over anytime soon, not weeks or even months .. talking YEARS. Not to dishearten you but I think my issue as many will tell you is I wanted things on a time table and it just does not work that way. This MLC thing stinks and its such a long journey ...

Originally Posted By: junior1
Not making it easy for her, does that work if I want her back? Trying not to be that ahole, but ay the same time I feel like an idiot paying for everything. Thinking I'm still her husband. One minute she's Ok when I'm paying for things then she'll get mad if I question something, then blow up in my face that she doesn't promise me nothing. Weekend comes I get the kids, she's out partying with idk who. Now I see new things like cosmetics, shoes, and miscellaneous things. I know she don't have money. I want my old wife back, but how!


I will tell you this ... your 'old wife' ... she is gone and will be for some time. If its anything like mine you might see glimpses of her here and there, or if she is like others she may never return.

My advice to you, you need to take all the energy you have and start rebuilding yourself. Things are going to hurt, its going to be painful but you will need to step up your game and be the best man and father you can possibly be, the trick is realizing you have to save yourself and not worry about saving your M or your W as they are just gone on vaca for the moment.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard