I Want You

[rob123]

You pointed out what a great husband you are? Really? Dude read Sandis thread. Stop the denial. Your wife is having an EA she thinks thet grass is greener elsewhere. Im sorry to be blunt.

I didn't say what I did was smart. Hell, I think we have all been in the same situation where things are going well (at least as good as it could, in the situation) and we say and do dumb things. I did read Sandis thread, it resonates, but I also, still being early on in the process, am in denial. I always think that my situation is different. Of course, it's not, but still, I think that is human nature.

We always like to think our situations are unique and special. When in reality, our situations are all almost exactly the same. We like to think that doing things 'our' way will work, because, well, we are different. However, there are plenty of people in the world who have employed their own methods to saving their marriage and we see how that worked out for them.

I think everyone here needs the dose of reality. No matter how I want to justify anything, she did have an EA. Even though every piece of me wants to be loving and caring and nice and whatever to my W, I cannot do that at the time. If I do, I will be setting myself up to fail.

It's much easier typing that than acting that though. I understand. If I could only keep my cool/calm/open mind that I have right now when I see my W this afternoon when I get home from work.

I will do that. It's time to detach.

[Rick1963]

Believe me i know exactly what your saying. Hard stuff. Especially in the beginning. Sandi believes that if u show WW that she is losing you that things may turn around quicker. It is not an exact science what we do here. And yes u will make mistakes. We are here to support you

[SadDood]

Rob, first of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You seem like a really good guy! I'm still early in the process and have made plenty of mistakes. So far, I'm finding the hardest part of this whole process is the detachment and the GALing, especially with children.

On another note, I really appreciate your writing style. You are obviously a smart educated man. I'm jealous of your writing skills.

Wishing you the best!

SD

[rob123]

Rob, first of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You seem like a really good guy! I'm still early in the process and have made plenty of mistakes. So far, I'm finding the hardest part of this whole process is the detachment and the GALing, especially with children.

On another note, I really appreciate your writing style. You are obviously a smart educated man. I'm jealous of your writing skills.

Wishing you the best!

SD

I agree. It is very difficult to GAL and detach when we are under the same roof and have 2 children under the age of 5. For some uncanny reason, I have it in my head that I am abandoning my children if I want to go out and do my own thing.

Thanks for the kudos on my writing style! I tend to write novels when I get to going, especially when it is in regards to my own feelings.

I have to be strong. That is how I take control of myself. I had some very bad thoughts during my lunch prior to a meeting this afternoon. Some ladies complimented me on the way I looked while eating as a restaurant. I smiled, said thanks, and instantly thought of my W. I went to sit in my truck to think for a moment and began seeing pictures in my mind that were bad. Things like picturing my W in the nude. And then thinking that I may never get to have her again. And how some OM would get to. Very bad pictures that made me get angry. Like really mad.

I then thought about her parents. Their S-26 has been to jail twice for drugs and has been homeless for some time. Their daughter is now doing this. I cannot tell you how awful it was, when I met my MIL the other day to pick the kids up without my W, to see MIL break down and begin crying. She told me that if I ever needed to talk, she would be there for me. Talk about a punch to the gut. My MIL told me that she had already lost one son, and did not want to lose another (me). Another punch to the gut.

I then thought about my parents. The people who have always been there for me. The people who have always listened to my problems. The people who I have completely cut off since the BD 3 weeks ago because I am embarrassed. I feel like a failure because I am failing at marriage. Why do I have these feelings? Why do so many here have these feelings?

I have a theory. My theory is that most men who find themselves here in our situation are generally good guys. The type of guys that do so much for their families that they become overbearing on their M. Notice I say M. I realized early on while reading some other threads that I held M on a pedestal. I thought that a real M meant X, Y, Z, without realizing that every M is different. Every R we ever have is different. I say most become overbearing on their M because I think so many H push so hard to make their M work, that they actually work counter-productive to their M.

Who cares if my W did not text me when she got to her destination? Well, I certainly did care, but in the grand scheme of things, why did I feel it necessary to continue to 'scold' her for not texting me. Why did I continue to find it necessary to tell her that I would really enjoy a message during the day just saying she was thinking about me. I was pushing so hard on our M because the M in my mind was not the same M in her mind. People in a M send messages to their spouse to tell them they love them, right? Well, in my mind they do. However, that is unrealistic to believe that in her mind they do as well.

I cannot control her thoughts about our M. I can only focus on doing things to improve my outlook on life. I can only focus on doing things for me. I can only focus on doing things for my children. If my W wants to join in with the new me, great. If not, although it would be devastating and extremely hard, that is her choice.

[Rick1963]

Believe me i know exactly what your saying. Hard stuff. Especially in the beginning. Sandi believes that if u show WW that she is losing you that things may turn around quicker. It is not an exact science what we do here. And yes u will make mistakes. We are here to support you

[rob123]

Journaling...

This afternoon has been good. I came home, the wife had dinner cooked for the kids and I and we sat down and ate. Everything was good, I then told her I was going for a run. When I got back, her and my D were taking a shower. I sat down and played with my S for a while until they were finished. I then told her I was going to the gym. I could tell she was surprised that I had ran and then was also going to the gym. In the past, I would have asked if it was OK to go to the gym.

Tonight, I just got up, told her and the children bye, and left. Not anything cold hearted, but simply GALing without her approval. I came back home and her phone was lying on the bed. It's one of those things that just tick away at your mind. I wonder if she has said anything to anyone? Is her EA really over? You know, the type of thoughts that can drive someone mad. So, I looked at her phone. Did not appear to see anything that would indicate the EA still existed.

OM is supposed to be leaving the job tomorrow and then be gone for 3 months. She told me that this was a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure that I agree with that thinking, but we shall see. I know there is still some level of attachment to him. Of course there is. In fantasy land, he is the knight in shining armor.

In days past (like literally, 2 weeks ago), I would have asked her about some of her text messages. The general BS text messages to other co-workers about work related stuff. Why is co-worker woman telling you not to tell anyone about the discussion you guys had last week when she was emotional and crying? In reality, I don't care. I have to let go in this way.

If things don't directly impact our M or my W is unwilling to share them, then I cannot care. I was smiling and looking into her eyes when she told me about her day just a moment ago. I just was nodding my head like a bobble head when she was talking. I care, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to sabotage saving our M. I don't want to be too worried about her day or too involved at this point.

Boy, does it hurt saying that, and hurts even more acting that out, but it is what it is. My D turns 3 on Saturday and my W said that we should go get her birthday present on Saturday. Then I could make one of my famous birthday cakes for her and we could celebrate. I said, sure, sounds like a great time with and for the kids.

To note, I originally had said that I was did a 180 on doing all of the housework like a weak H. When I left the house on Tuesday (went to the bar, well, at least said I went there), I came home and both of the childrens rooms were cleaned by her. She said she didn't know what else to do (especially since I had just up and left). Today, I come home and most of the clothes are washed and she even cleaned the dishes.

I point this out to say that doing things that seem counter-intuitive actually works. I hate to say we can manipulate others by our actions, but that is definitely the truth. I know it's small, but it was something today I laughed about while running. Here I was, when in the past would simply do the housework, over and over and over, and let the resentment build up. I go out 'out the bar' one night and the housework roles have shifted. Maybe temporarily, but they still shifted in this moment.

More MBing, wait, DBing, to follow. MR arrives in the mail either tomorrow or Saturday. I cannot wait to read that!

[rob123]

I hate to say we can manipulate others by our actions, but that is definitely the truth.

I wanted to clarify this statement as I see how it could be misconstrued. In every R that we have in life, there is an ebb and flow that is driven by our interactions with the other person. You could go to any place in town on any given night and just watch interactions between others, yet you have no idea what that interaction means to those people who are interacting.

One person may feel the interaction is loving while the other may feel the interaction is burdensome. One person may feel the interaction is friendly while the other person may feel the interaction is hostile. There are countless examples of this that could be used over and over again.

My point is that we do not actually manipulate the other person. We just act in a manner to achieve the desired outcome in our interactions with other people. For instance, if you walk up to a complete stranger on the sidewalk tomorrow morning, look him into the eyes, say hello and extend your hand, what would the typical response be? He most likely would say hello and extend his hand to shake yours. Did you manipulate him to do that? I would say you simply interacted with that person in a way to get a desired response.

Take the same example above, but this time you walk up to that stranger, say get out of my way, *****, and push him in the chest. What would the typical response be? He most likely would either start running or may push you back or punch you. If you get punched, would you say you manipulated that person? We can argue about definitions and intent all day long, but I would say that we manipulate situations all the time. If we want our significant other to have sex with us, we might pat them on the rear. We may kiss their neck. Are we manipulating them? Some could argue yes, some could argue no.

I propose that in reality, it really does not matter. In every interaction we ever have with other humans, we do things to get the outcome that we desire. That is where we begin to break down. We do thing to get outcomes WE desire. That other person is doing things to get outcomes THEY desire. The key, in my opinion, is to find a way to achieve shared outcomes in any R. That is what this is all about, in my humble opinion. Realizing that our interactions with people in Rs drive how the R functions.

We have our own map for how Rs should function. The question remains, how do we adjust our map (talking about changing ourselves) to make our map more compatible with other's maps.

[rob123]

Journaling...

What a difference a day makes. I wake up this morning and am instantly filled with grief and anger and desperation. I threw up this morning after I had a quick bite of breakfast. Keep in mind, my W leaves for work around 5:30 or so and I have to get the kids ready for daycare and myself ready for work.

You know how easy it would have been to simply call in and say I need a mental health day? You also know how difficult it would have been to sit around and wallow in self pity all day? I believe I basically am living a double life. The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong. The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers. The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.

Then, there is the real me. The one who constantly wants validation. The one who worries when things are not right. The one who is always concerned when things are not going the way they should. The man that is not the strong man I project. That is where my focus is on now. I focus on becoming that man on the inside as well. I focus on not being the pushover that I had become due to my circumstances. Better yet, I became that pushover because I allowed myself to be that pushover. You do whatever you need to honey, because your job is so stressful and you should take care of yourself.

Well, what about me? Why can't I do what I want? Why can't my W understand that I need a break as well? It's because I acted like I didn't need a break. She was more important than me. Now, I pay for doing this. I remember talking to a guidance counselor/pastor prior to getting married. I remember him vividly saying that individual needs must take the backseat to the needs of the M. That the M is more important than us individually. I really think back to this as potentially bad advice. I took this so literally. My M was more important than me, and the happiness of my W was more important than me.

Working together as a team is wonderful when both members are working towards the same goals. Maybe that is where we got off track. We were working towards the same goals, but not in concert. I expected the journey to be this way, while the journey turned out this way. Maybe that is why I hate my sitch so much? I thought I had done things so great and simply did not understand why I would not be shown the appreciation for doing what I did? My W was expressing gratitude in her own way. Why was that not enough for me?

These are the things I work on now.

[Cadet]

I believe I basically am living a double life.
The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong.
The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers.
The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.

Then, there is the real me. The one who constantly wants validation. The one who worries when things are not right. The one who is always concerned when things are not going the way they should. The man that is not the strong man I project. That is where my focus is on now. I focus on becoming that man on the inside as well. I focus on not being the pushover that I had become due to my circumstances. Better yet, I became that pushover because I allowed myself to be that pushover. You do whatever you need to honey, because your job is so stressful and you should take care of yourself.

Yes men are very good at wearing MASKS.
And then they have all this pain behind the mask.

Best thing I can suggest is not to run away from this PAIN but confront it head on.
It is not your wifes fault that YOU carry around this PAIN.
That is all on YOU.

So you need to unravel why you feel this way - I mean really why - what is deep inside that is causing it and
what can YOU do to FIX yourself.
Cause in the end that is the only person that we can CONTROL and really FIX!
OURSELVES.

[SadDood]

You know how easy it would have been to simply call in and say I need a mental health day? You also know how difficult it would have been to sit around and wallow in self pity all day? I believe I basically am living a double life. The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong. The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers. The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.

I know exactly what you're saying. The rollercoaster is a rough ride, And emotional attachment is Sooooo difficult. I too have to put up a strong front while at work. Most of the men I work with are Alpha Males and you cannot be perceived as weak. I think some of this carried over into my M. After BD, I was a weak sniveling wreck for 2 months. I did take a week off initially, and that only made things worse. I did not have the motivation to GAL and could not stop thinking about my W, and the life we had built.

Even still, I was looking at my W objectively after she got off the eliptical the other day, and thought to myself... she doesn't even have a nice body anymore, why am I putting so much into this? I know, very shallow thinking, but it was the start of me attempting to detach. I'm sure it's driving W crazy that I have lost so much weight (I'm only a few pounds heavier than her now) and am looking better than I have in our entire M. I'm still waiting to find out if/who the OM/OW is. I've heard that it's often a downgrade. Not that that matters.

I wish I had something more inciteful to say, but I just wanted you to know others are following your sitch and appreciate your journaling. I think it's therapeutic for me.

I think one thing that drives my W crazy is that she met me right after I graduated from law school and thought she was going to be marrying a L. I finished at a decent law school near the median and virtually had no chance of getting an offer at a large firm. Besides, I knew I would hate it. I was previously an auditor at very large accounting firm and hated every second of it. Law is much more of the same. I told her not long after we married that I would never be a L, and I was pursuing a different career path. She was upset, but encouraged me. I'm very happy at my job and it pays very well and has incredible security and benefits (aside from me being gone half the year). Still, she wasn't marrying a L, and she wanted that "prestige" factor. She was a sorority girl and I was a frat boy, from different colleges at different times. I think she kept seeing the men and lives her sorority sisters were having, and became jealous and not quite realizing how well she had it.

Sorry, I'm journaling in your thread.

At first, I was devastated by the thought of losing everything I had built and accomplished. But, yesterday, I thought about what life would be like in the future. I even calculated how much money I would have after child support, etc. I realized I would be just fine financially and would still see the kids just as much as I do now. The only thing that would change is not having W in my life. Somehow that was comforting.

Keep being strong, acting as if, and detaching (and journaling).