Where did it all go wrong? I keep asking myself this question and am struggling with finding answers. My wife and I met in college and we hit everything off right. We both played a sport in college and were both very good at the sport that we participated in. We are both very well educated, we both have wonderful families and we have 2 wonderful children.
We dated about 4 years prior to getting married. We have now been married 7 years, and have run into some rough/rocky times. My wife, after both of our children were born, suffered post-partum depression. It was the type of depression where she would go to sleep as soon as she got home from work (she originally worked 7a-7p shifts) and would barely even say hi to me or the children. There was times where she would break down emotionally and just sob uncontrollably and want re-assurance that I would never leave her. I would always let her know that I would always be there for her. During this period, I become the defacto caretaker of the children and the household. I never had a problem with doing this (I’m talking about all of the dishes, clothes, childcare requirements) unless my wife would complain about the house not being clean or her favorite blanket not being cleaned. It really upset me that I felt as though most of what I was doing around the house was being taken for granted. I realize now that I began to feel a sort of resentment towards my wife because I felt that no matter how hard I tried to make her happy, it was never good enough.
Prior to our daughter being born (she is now 3), my wife approached me about wanting to go back to school to improve our financial outlook. We already made decent money, but this would result in a much higher salary for her. The only downfall was that she would have to spend 5 months away from the house. Then, she would spend 2 years during various clinical rotations. I agreed and told her that if this was something she wanted, that we could make it work. Fast forward to 4 months after our daughter was born and my wife went away to school. Talk about a very weird situation. Here we are now, me, my 2 year old son, and my 4 month old daughter with the nearest family being 3 hours away. I made it work and I did a very good job. During the last week prior to some of her finals, my wife had another breakdown. She later revealed to me that she had seriously considered suicide. It was a very rough patch for both of us and I think led to some of where the problems are today. She is now seeing a psychiatrist and has been getting help ever since this time. When she came back to the house, she still had to take classes and do her clinicals. It was so amazing to have my wife back in the house after being away for 5 months, but she was not much emotionally back in the house. She still was worried about studying and doing her clinicals. It was so awesome to have her back physically, but it was so difficult to not have her back 100% emotionally.
During this time, her clinicals involved her working overnight shifts at least once a week. Her clinicals involved late evenings. Again, she was in the house physically, but she was not there emotionally. I continued to remain the caretaker around the house. Don’t get me wrong, she did as much as she could while studying and doing her clinicals. I just think I set myself up to be let down when I expected her to be 100% emotionally back in the house when she still had so much committed to her studies. It really hurt.
I will now fast-forward to today. She graduated in December and has been working at her job for 2 months. About 2 weeks ago, she was acting very weird on Thursday and I just questioned what was up? She then dropped the ILYBINILWY line. I was devastated. I continue to be devastated and not sure exactly how to proceed. That following Friday at work, I swear felt like it lasted 80 hours. I was researching online for anything I could read/find. I was wondering what was happening. I continued to see people be very skeptical of that line and to find out about any affair. The following Monday, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She was very upfront about becoming emotionally attached to a man at work. She told me that nothing had happened between them, but that she felt like he understood her and was an alpha male that challenged her, yada yada. That revelation actually gave me some relief. I felt like things were bad, yes, but not completely hopeless. I then put on Facebook something to the effect of, “Please pray for me in these tough times”. Nothing like a good ol’ cryptic message. People, of course, began texting/calling asking what was wrong. I just said I was going through a rough patch. People were texting/calling her as well. She was mad at me for putting our ‘business’ on facebook, but I told her that I didn’t say anything about us.
I told her that the only way we can work on our marriage is if she cuts off communication with the OM. She then went on a drive and said she had to call her mother. After she got back home, she said that she called her mother and she basically told my wife that it was her family or this other guy. Then she called the OM and said that she had developed feelings for him and yada yada and that she wanted to end that. It made me laugh, but I saw a text message he sent her the next day that basically said those feelings she had were one way and that he never saw their relationship in that light. He then said that he felt like he was being scapegoated for something else.
I will admit, I first re-acted with crying, pleading, wishing, chasing her around. I wanted what I have always wanted, re-assurance that we were going to make it. I wanted to feel loved. I told her that she would be in a bad position with our 2 kids because I am the one who takes them to daycare every morning before work, who picks them up every afternoon after work, and that her schedule would not allow for her to keep the kids very often. I told her that we were now at a position in our life that we discussed and cried about 3 years ago when we decided that she would go to school. How could she be so cold to want to leave me now? I even resorted to telling her that I felt used as free childcare and house care while she was pursuing her advanced degree and that since she now has graduated, she could get rid of me.
Let’s just say that none of that worked. She did not want to hear it. Fast forward to this past weekend and the grandparents took the kids for the weekend. She had originally planned on going to an all-girls weekend, but decided to stay at home with me. We went out on a date Saturday night, held hands, danced, went to the orchestra, she was looking into my eyes and telling me she loved me. We passionately kissed; something that we hadn’t done in 2 weeks. Then, Sunday morning when we woke up, she was back to being cold again. I brought her coffee and breakfast in bed, but she didn’t even say thanks.
She told me that I should just go get the kids by myself (an hour and a half drive, one way) and meet her mother. What a crappy drive that was. When we got home, we played outside in the backyard for a bit, but then my wife just up and left in her car. She said she was going to get us something to eat. She came home, crying her eyes out, and told me that she was not sure that she could ever be happy in our marriage. She said, and has said numerous times, that I deserve someone who loves them back the way that I love her. She said that she is not deserving of me and that she hates herself for what she has taken from me. I tried to console her, but it did very little.
Then, yesterday, I find this site and am looking at the 37 rules that I need to do. I agreed. I had been way too quick to want an answer. I had wanted to wake up and this would all be back to normal. She said, on Sunday, that my pressure to fix things was pushing her away. Then, yesterday, I made a commitment that I would do some 180s and be completely different. I went to the gym, like normal, but came home and did not say a word to her. I usually would want to ask about her day, talk to her, and hug her. However, I simply just smiled and said hi and went and took a shower. I did not worry about doing the dishes after we ate. When we were going to sleep, she said she loved me, but I did not even respond. I felt bad for not telling her I loved her, but I did not know what else to say at the time.
I guess I just wanted to put this story out there for anyone else that had the time to read. I really dislike how she keeps telling me that there are too many other women who would be grateful to have such a wonderful husband, father, partner in their life. I don’t want someone else, I want you.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Glad you found your way here, Rob. Sadly, your story is very common to see in our world today. People have too much on their plates and something usually gets neglected b/c there are not enough hours in a day for everything.
When I was reading your post about what you told your W, upon hearing about her EA, I was reminded of how I've heard wives of doctors tell a similar experience. Many spouses either work while the other one is going to school, or they run the household and childcare. Then low and behold the one who was getting their professional degree informs the spouse who supported them...that they want out of the M.
I can only imagine the affect her absence has had on the children, and how it will show through later. But that's another subject for another time. Right now, you are needing support. You'll get it here on the DB board, if you'll continue to post.
I am impressed with your 180's and hope you continue to follow the "rules" (as there are called), until there's a change.
We encourage all newcomers to read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting to understand the writer's principles and what it is we all discuss here.
This can be turned around, Rob. I was once a WW in an EA and I credit this board to helping me find my way back. Since it's mostly geared for the LBS, just think how much it will help you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the welcome, Cadet and Sandi. I have been on the rollercoaster of ups and downs the past 2 1/2 weeks and am emotionally exhausted. What I believe has been so hurtful is that we had began looking at purchasing a new house about a month or so ago, all the while my W telling me how great I was at everything I did. Then, 2 weeks later, things cannot be reconciled.
I have ordered the Divorce Busting book and it should be delivered prior to this weekend. Like I stated earlier, I feel as though a divorce, would be failing not only our children and ourselves, but our families as well. My W told me that her mother and father basically said that they stood with me and that, again, it's either her family or she is on her own.
I hate it came to that, but I also am displeased that my W attempted to say it was my fault because I put that message on Facebook about wanting prayers. The classical, this is between us, not anyone else argument when what precipitated these irrational feelings in your head is based upon someone else.
It also worries me when she states things like, "I am not sure that I will be happy with anyone" or "I think I may be best on my own for the rest of my life". I asked her initially about being depressed, and even though she is on medications for her depression, she claims that the depression is controlled and has no bearing on her feelings and actions.
When I asked her 2 weekends ago, how would she feel is she were in my shoes, she made a very interesting statement. She told me that she would be incredibly hurt, she would be devastated and that she would not be able to understand what went wrong. I then made the mistake of trying to press on those and tried to 'force' her to love me again.
At the moment, she still tells me she loves me, she still will give an occasional kiss, she acts like things are fairly normal... until there is a bad episode. Those bad episodes really hurt me because I know what she is saying is not correct/rational and I cannot do anything to change her view. I am only in control of me and how I react to those situations.
It's hard enough to say, much less act out when a bad situation is happening.
Again, thanks for the warm welcome!
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
I just came home and my W was acting very nice and was happy she got off work early. That quickly changed once I told her I was going out with some coworkers this evening. I could tell she was hurt. I felt horrible doing this.
I really am just going to a bar to sit there and watch some baseball by myself, but I could tell she was wondering what I was up to. I even noticed she was looking at my phone before I left the house.
Am I crazy for feeling bad about doing this on a weeknight when she was happy to have gotten off early?
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
Well, when I came home last night at around 9:45, my W was still awake with my S. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she was looking at me. I almost broke down when she looked up at me with her beautiful eyes, and I could see the hurt in them.
I simply jumped in the shower and then came to bed. I woke up this morning hoping that my nightmare would be over. I woke up this morning wishing there was the EASY button to push. I had a difficult time sleeping last night and I kept questioning my decision to leave the house for a bit last night.
I know it is counter-intuitive, but why would I feel bad about doing that? I guess it is because I absolutely hate hurting my wife. Or being the cause of hurt. Maybe that is why we have gotten where we are today. Because I have always been the person to come swooping in to help out with her problems. I was the one who always made things better. I was the one who would silently wonder, when she is telling me her problems, why does nobody care about my problems?
Damn, this is so difficult. I wanted to do nothing more than give her a huge hug yesterday when me and the kids got home yesterday from work/school. My wife was smiling, in a great mood... and I just said hi, smiled, and told her I was going to meet some co-workers.
I feel, for some reason, like this could be turned around on me. Like I am the one who is not willing to work on our relationship. I can promise you, I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my M. I told my wife that. Maybe part of the problem is that I am so worried about hurting my wife that it has hampered my ability to enjoy life for me.
Just rambling now...
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
Doing some self-reflecting here, just a bit of blogging/diary.
I know during our marriage that I could be seen as being overbearing. I’ll tell you how I arrived at that conclusion (these thoughts flow much more quickly and smoothly in my head, haha). I have always been the type of person in our relationship that wanted to make sure that my W was not hurt. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, here is mine. If something is causing you pain, let me help you with that. Just trust that I will never cause you and hurt/pain. I simply cannot handle hurting you, W.
I have always been the type that wanted to make sure everything was OK with my W. You going on a trip with the kids? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. You going on a girls weekend? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. After her bout with post-partum depression with our 2nd child, while she was away at school, and when she later told me she had considered ‘ending it all’, it ramped up that sense of wanting me to help her. I hated to see her hurt. I hated to see hurt in her eyes. In her voice. Anything.
With her clinical schedule, she had to work many nights. I’m sitting around at night with the children, especially once they went to bed, and I would send a quick message to her asking how it was going. No response. However, I would check Facebook and she was online looking at Facebook. Now, who knows how intently she was checking. Or how long she had. Or what she was doing. But she simply would not respond to my text message? I would then ask her why she didn’t respond and she would say something to the effect of she was busy or yada, yada, and then I would ask about being on Facebook. She immediately would get defensive and it would turn our conversation for the worse (as if my constant prodding was not bad enough). I would tell her that I simply would like to get a message every now and again from her. Did not have to be anything wild or crazy. Just a simple, hey, how’s it going. What I failed to realize (and still fail to realize, to an extent) is that my W is simply not wired that way. She doesn’t send many messages. Unless it was with her clinical group at school.
But now, since they all have jobs, her texting that group has almost completely stopped. She very rarely messages her parents. I have to understand this. I can’t change her, I can change how I react and me, though.
Then, when I went out last night, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Whatever the hurt was for, I broke down when I left because, contrary to my nature, I caused that pain. I caused that hurt. I promised that I would never hurt her, and yet, here I am, hurting her.
I broke down and sent a message to her earlier and said I missed her last night. She asked what I did and I told her just went to the parking lot and did some self-reflection. She told me she wanted me to go have fun, that she had a good time alone with the kids.
What a self-defeating thing to do, I know. Just wanted to vent here. I am working on focusing on what I am doing and not having to have someone else to worry about me. It feels good to me to get a message from her, specifically, asking how my day is going. However, that is simply not the way she operates. Well, somedays she will, but most days she won’t. I have to be able to understand that just because she doesn’t send me some small talk text message does not mean that I am not important or matter to her.
What a dang journey so far….
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
Tonight was good, in my opinion. W went to bed early, told me she loved me and even gave me a brief kiss. She has to work overnight Saturday (7-7) and I just pointed out that she sure is lucky to have such a great husband like me. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but she smiled and said, you are right, i am definitely lucky to have you.
So much confusion still. Again, I wish I could hit the fast forward button. However, maybe the good news is that we can't fast forward these times. It is our time to improve ourselves.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
You pointed out what a great husband you are? Really? Dude read Sandis thread. Stop the denial. Your wife is having an EA she thinks thet grass is greener elsewhere. Im sorry to be blunt.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
