1. Do you think it was wrong of me to continue to pull away from W when she was reaching out to me but still involved with OM?
2. As far as the present is concerned, I can see how a supportive approach could be viewed as a 180 but I see how W would receive it as too little too late.
3. Should I innocently reach out to see how W is doing or just sit tight and wait to see if W comes to me?
4. It would really help to know what's going on with OM right now!
1. No. You could have perhaps listened a bit more or shared some emotion when called for. But active way wards are crazy behaving and it's generally acceptable and healthier to keep your distance. It causes a lot of anxiety to be around an active wayward and you needed to calm down and be the responsible person. MANY betrayed husband's go nuts in the beginning expressing anger and hurt and desperation. IMO, this isn't necessarily a mistake. It may not be productive towards ending the affair but it, at least, shows your wayward wife that you care enough to be upset by her behavior. Men that recover kind of accept it all as part of the process of recovery whereas men that don't more strongly regret those behaviors the first few weeks. For example, if you recover, your biggest regret will probably be not telling OM's wife immediately back in January when you discovered the affair. If you don't, your biggest regret may be not just chucking in the towel, accepting a quick collaborative divorce and moving on with your life. I preferred being more proactive and interacting with my wayward wife but I was able to let her fog talk gas lighting comments bounce off me. Conversely, some say trusting and allowing your adult wife figure things out all on her own is safer for you emotionally and actually a respectful loving gesture. I'm more fighter.
2. "To little too late" is too little...too late until it isn't. If one of her complaints about you was that you didn't do enough for her or support her, how is doing nothing (and acting all happy about it) going to help that? She's not is love with you right now and that's not gonna magically change. By the way, 99 or every 100 wayward wives say the same thing. Sometimes it's a legitimate complaint other times it's not (typical fog talk rationalization and justification), but regardless, it doesn't give them the right to cheat nor the right to choose another mate. Also you don't have to agree with her complaints, while she's foggy I'd suggest just validating them, tending to agree and continue to listen. While they are wayward, you can't teach them anyway.
3. Don't pursue....just be prepared to be supportive IF the opportunity arises. Don't overcommit either. I'm not thinking you'll be spending hours with her or on the phone letting her go on and on berating you and blaming you. You can and should cut it short and get back to your GAL's in the meantime versus obsessing over her. At best, maybe you can just be neutral, calm and relaxed as a safe harbor for your wife who is living in a storm right now.
4. Don't bug OM's wife. You texted yesterday. Have you tried to contact her more than that? You want to be careful here. OM could be gas lighting her that you are a crazy vindictive abusive husband. If you "harass" her at all, she'll see that behavior as consistent with his lie. Next time you contact her I'd recommend doing it by phone call. That way if she doesn't answer you can leave a calm professional voicemail indicating "sorry to bother you but felt you should know my wife knows I am the one that told you and that her boss supposedly knows about the affair (but that could be a lie). Other than that you don't know what's going on at the hospital and any information she can provide would be greatly appreciated, even if it's just letting you know that she no longer wishes to share information with you. Tell her "I'd also really like to know if your husband intends to end it and recommit to you and your family or if he tried to lie his way out of this. Again, I'm sorry to bother you during these difficult days."
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Only response I have is that I haven't contacted OM's W since my initial text yesterday morning. I plan on giving her plenty of time and space.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Just got a text from W asking if I could take D4 to a children's birthday party tomorrow. W was really stressing out about it because a lot of the friends who she thinks hate her will be there.
About an hour ago, I told W that I had plans with S1 tomorrow.
What should I do? Be a nice guy, take D4 to party, and "save" W from this awkwardness OR tell her that I already have plans and can't do it?
I could be a "hero" but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I initially offered to take D4 to this party a couple of days ago.
I'm leaning towards saying yes just because I know it's important to D4 and I don't want D4 to suffer.
Help!!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Nope. Don't rescue her. These are the consequences of her actions. If, however, she refuses to take your D4, then in the best interest of your D4, you should take her for your D4's sake.
IMHO
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm sure if I say no, my W will just get her mom to bring D4 to birthday party...
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Then W proceeds to threaten me and says she will fight for full custody of kids because I'm untrustworthy, etc. Expectedly, W blames all of this on my decision to tell OM's W.
I would take the D4 to the birthday party and pick up the slack with regards to the kids at every opportunity possible. Waywards are unpredictable. I knew a guy once who was a part time professor and stay at home dad with a corporate wife who worked ungodly hours and travelled all the time for work who still lost primary custody of his kids and then within a year his wife petitioned the court to move 1500 miles away with the kids. He sees his kids over holidays and a month in the summer now. Custody battles are ruthless and it's not just a one time thing. You could be battling over the kids for years so the earlier you start documenting that YOUR primary concerns are the kids in this mess in contrast to her primary concern being herself and NOT the kids...the better.
While fighting for you marriage you need to protect your backside legally and financially. Wayward wives can turn on you in a second and make all sorts of claims. A text request like that, in my opinion, should be met with a "sure, when can I pick her up". I don't care if it makes her life easier or the affair easier. I just don't think the kids are a chess piece in this gal/detaching game.
Another consideration. YOU are the only sane parent these kids have right now. They need your protection as much as possible these days because your wife sure doesn't truly care about anyone but herself right now.
Last thing. She's living at her parents house. The "consequences" aren't really gonna be felt by her if and when you deny taking the kid over to your friends house anyway She's just gonna get her parents to do it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Never mind. W called me after work and told me she just wasn't going to go to the party. I let her talk about the situation a bit, W said she was having a panic attack and she just turned around and went back home. W said she bribed D4 with a slurpee.
I told W how excited I was to spend the day with S1 and I told that I would see her tomorrow. I end the call. -- 15 minutes later, W calls back and asks me if I plan to do anymore crazy stuff. I ask W what she means and she refers again to me talking to OM's W. W says I'm responsible for her losing all her friends. Then she says I was responsible for her losing the only friend she had left (the OM?). W says that she has nobody to talk to and nothing to do because of me.
W says I scared OM's W half to death because OM's W felt like I was a stalker.
W then says I was a crappy husband. I agree to this. Then W says that I've only gotten worse.
W then refers to this date again with another OM. And W says that there is not a chance we could ever get back together.
I then tell W that I need to go and will see her in the AM when I pick up S1. I disconnect the call. --- W then proceeds to text me...
"The most ironic thing is that you, Mr. Logical, wanted to "protect his family and his kids"...how noble...the only thing you've done is harm them by hurting me, spreading rumors, and acting like a crazy person.
I showed so much restraint with tarnishing your name but you just couldn't hold back. What a crappy thing to do. You are not a good person. I don't know who you are.
So please do me a favor, don't talk any more about me to ANYONE. Stop stalking people and acting crazy. I just want to raise the kids the best we can and get this divorce finalized so I can put you in the past.
Is that within your comprehension?"
Yikes! I didn't reply and don't plan to.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Next time before she gets into her manifesto, stop her and say that she cannot and will not control you and your actions. That what she's experiencing is a result of HER actions and not yours. And that you felt morally obligated to talk to tell OM's W to protect her family and it had nothing to do with your W. Then end it.
Strong but firm. Think steely eyed Clint Eastwood where you are just looking at a crazy woman talking.
I mean she PUNISHED your D by not taking her to her party.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
