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Defacto Offline OP
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GB,
I appreciate your response. Whether or not to tell OM's betrayed spouse is something I will will have to think long and hard about. Thank you for your prayers!

Some of the therapists/coaches I have spoken with have advised against it but I know there are definitely two schools of thought here.

The logistics of it make sense but right now I'm questioning my motives. I know I should want to do it because it's the "right" thing to do but I wonder if I am just contemplating it out of hope it destroys the affair.

On a personal note, tonight was a little challenging as I met my W at the mall to pick up the kids. I could tell she was preoccupied and in a hurry so there really wasn't much of a conversation. She usually will try to initiate a hug before she leaves but not this time. I really just need to do a better job eliminating any expectations for my W and this M.

Last edited by Defacto; 04/13/15 11:39 PM.

Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Journaling:

W just called from work, like she usually does, to check on the kids around bedtime, but they were already sleeping. She made a comment about how I am becoming distant again. W states that "selfishly, she doesn't want that and she doesn't want that for the kids but she understands."

I just replied by saying "sorry" and I changed the subject.

I really don't understand where she's at right now. It seems she wants the closeness of our friendship so bad and just assumed it would always be there for her. I know I just need to be patient and continue forward on my journey for myself.

But why does she even care that I'm being "distant" when she continues to seek the comfort of OM?


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"I just replied by saying "sorry" and I changed the subject."

Never apologize for that. Tell her that you can not speak to her while she's committing adultery and she will not control how she thinks you should react. A little truth dart here and there won't hurt.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I have to chime in I agree with GB on his advice the BS has a right to know. If she had discovered the affair first, I assume you would have wanted her to let you know right? Just leave out the commentary. Share the facts and limit it to that. If she asks questions, answer what you know. Remember, you are exposing her to something which is going to change her life. Just make sure you do it in an honest way. No embellishments or negative commentary.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Originally Posted By: Defacto
Journaling:

W just called from work, like she usually does, to check on the kids around bedtime, but they were already sleeping. She made a comment about how I am becoming distant again. W states that "selfishly, she doesn't want that and she doesn't want that for the kids but she understands."

I just replied by saying "sorry" and I changed the subject.

I really don't understand where she's at right now. It seems she wants the closeness of our friendship so bad and just assumed it would always be there for her. I know I just need to be patient and continue forward on my journey for myself.

But why does she even care that I'm being "distant" when she continues to seek the comfort of OM?


You are the plan B in case plan A does not work out. Thats why she is going to feed you bread crumbs to keep you around.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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I agree with pilot and Mr Bond. Don't try to understand her thoughts and actions. Just look inward. Control what you can, which is you. Strength, patience, grace, confidence.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
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Originally Posted By: Defacto

The logistics of it make sense but right now I'm questioning my motives. I know I should want to do it because it's the "right" thing to do but I wonder if I am just contemplating it out of hope it destroys the affair.


So wanting to destroy the affair is a bad thing????

You matter.

Your kids matter.

There is a fox in your henhouse and you are worried about shooting the fox because it may upset your chickens. It'll be over if you wait to long and OM's wife will find out eventually anyway (because your wife and he will ride off into the affairage sunset).

Tell her the truth so she can make decisions about her life based upon the truth. If it benefits you, so be it. If it doesn't, that's the cost of being a stand up guy. At least you weren't paralyzed by fear.

"Do not be afraid" appears in one form or another 366 times in the Bible. One for every day of the year (if it's leap year). Take the leap.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Defacto Offline OP
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Guys,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and support. I will strongly consider telling OM's wife about the affair. All of your points are valid and well thought out. I do want to discuss it with my DB coach next week and review the timing of it all.

As far as control is concerned, it does feel good to have W out of the house. I finally have some stability there without the constant reminders of W and the affair. I take greatpride in being able to provide a strong and consistent environment for our children in this time of transition.

Additionally, with my W moving in to her parent's house, I know it has made the sitch much more real for her. Hopefully now, she will gain a better vantage point of the consequences of her decisions.

But who knows? I know I can't control her and I am at peace with that.
She will have to find her own way through this mess.

Journaling:

W sent me a text last night at 3am. (She works the night shift at the hospital.) W said she was having a hard time. I never responded.

Just now W called me after her shift and told me that she had a hard time because she was looking through her planner and saw my birthday and our wedding anniversary in it. I responded by saying that "it all happened so fast, didn't it?"

Then W said that there are times she thinks she's making a big mistake but then, there are times she feels "in her gut" that it would never work out between us. I respond by validating her feelings but I tell her I don't agree with everything she said.

Then W stated that my lack of emotion and my newfound happiness just go to further validate that it would never work out between us. W then says that our lives are just on different trajectories.

I respond by saying that I just want her to be happy no matter what path she takes. I also validate W by saying that I think it's great that she has found her own voice through all of this.

W responds by saying she is confused by my approach through all of this. W even refers to the time she felt she was trying to work on our M. I respond by saying that I am just trying to be a bright light for the kids.

I try to end the conversation by telling W I need to get back to work and she should get some rest. I could tell that W was still troubled when I disconnected the call.

How did I do? The call went on longer than I wanted but my DB coach has encouraged me to let W talk about her feelings if she wants to.

I desperately wanted to tell W that I still do want to work on the M but I resisted the temptation to tell her. Was that the right thing to do?

Is it possible the A is over and she just hasn't told me? Should I try to gather some fresh intel? I haven't looked at the phone records for weeks...


Last edited by Defacto; 04/14/15 01:27 PM.

Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Originally Posted By: Defacto
I respond by saying that I just want her to be happy no matter what path she takes. I also validate W by saying that I think it's great that she has found her own voice through all of this.

W responds by saying she is confused by my approach through all of this.


I don't have experience in this kind of situation, but it sounds like you did very well. With that being said, if you can with strength, confidence, grace and respect give her a Mr Bond Truth Dart. I think that would be well advised. Try not to be a doormat for her.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Journaling:

Had a great day at work and really occupied my down time well with productive thinking.

W contacted me to let me know she would be dropping the kids off early due to needing to go into work early. I told W that it would be no problem.

I met W and kids outside. D starts having a meltdown. W tries to console D but D is quite upset. (D has been acting out since separation).

W leaves and calls back a few minutes later to check on and talk to D. I say goodbye to W and say "have a good night at work."
W responds by asking me to be nicer and that I'm only business-like on the phone. And that it makes it hard for her. W then says, "this is one of the reasons why we can't get back together."

I pause and then say "have a good night at work." Then the call is ended.

I know that she will say anything to get a rise out of me and she can't see anything but negativity towards me...but man, it still hurts!


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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