Hello all. To start off, I have read DR and have been following many of the threads on this board for almost two months. I figured it was time to throw my hat in the ring in search of some good old fashioned feedback.
Here’s my sitch: W gave me the “I don’t feel satisfied with my life” and “I’ve been stonewalling you for years” talk the week of Xmas. I was surprised by this as I suspected none of it and reacted poorly by stonewalling her for the next few days.
The following week, my W told that she felt we needed to separate. Again, I initially reacted poorly by getting angry and spiteful. However, eventually I realized the severity of the situation and calmed down.
The following week or so, I began to play the role of a perfect spouse in order to show her I could change. I also spiraled into depression. She struggled to show any affirmation towards my attempts.
Then on January 8th, I confirmed the affair through text messages. She had become emotionally and physically involved with an OM at work. A few days later, she told me ILYBINILWY. After my initial anger when discovering the affair, I decided I wanted to try and save the marriage. We attempted 5 session of MC but it seemed ineffective, especially because W was continuing to contact OM.
For a month, I was the poster child for pursuit and not what to do. I was a physical and emotional mess. She was completely repulsed by any of my advances. Needless to say, none of this worked and she continued her relationship with OM.
In February, I read DR and began to apply LRT. Immediately, W responded. She began to initiate all physical contact and even started to sound remorseful for the affair. W even stated that she wanted to work on our marriage for the kids. I thought this was my chance to reply. However, when I asked for NC with OM, W stated that she felt that OM was the only person she could talk to about her situation. So, I returned to LRT.
(Just a little background about the relationships that surround my W and our marriage that could help understand this dynamic. When I met my W, I was already established in our city and had many close friendships. Many of my friends were also getting married at the same time we were. As a result, many of my W’s best friends are my best friend’s wives. When the affair was discovered, she immediately told her best friend and I told my best friend. As a result, the news got around in our little circle. My W’s friends attempted to give her good advice about breaking off the affair but my W just refused to do it. As a result, these same friends cut off most contact with my W. This loss of friendship for my W has been difficult and hurtful for her. She has also linked any chance at reconciliation in our marriage with these same friends. She has said that she could never be around any of these friends ever again.)
Not a whole lot has changed since mid-February other than my W receiving elective cosmetic surgery LOL. Our encounters are friendly and cordial. I have been very consistent with my LRT techniques. I do not initiate any phone contact and keep all conversations brief or about the kids. My W has made a handful of attempts at spending alone time with me. However, I have resisted most of these as I did not feel it was appropriate to spend alone time while she was actively involved with OM.
On 04/02, my W got into it with one of her friends about her affair. As a result, she blamed me for the loss of all her friends and she was moving out. She blamed for discontinuing MC. She claimed that I gave up on working on our marriage because she was the only one initiating any contact or planning anything together. In response, I told her that I was and still am willing to work on the marriage but only if she agrees to NC with OM. But I did tell her that I can’t wait forever and it appears that our marriage is heading towards divorce.
On 04/05, my wife finally moved in with her parents. The last week brought about some interesting comments from my W in response to her new situation and my GAL’ing: “This is the best version of you that I have ever seen” & “This is the happiest that you have ever been since I’ve known you.” Additionally, she called me on 04/10 to tell me how much she missed me. However, I know that I can’t believe a word she says at this point, especially with an OM in the picture.
We have talked about D at times, but now it is more than ever. Usually the conversation revolves around how all of her work friends tell her that she should get an attorney but that she doesn’t want to go that route. We have both pledged to be peaceful and graceful in this transition, especially with our kids. She has moved most of her stuff out of the house. Based on our conversations, it seems as if D is almost a foregone conclusion.
I don’t want a D and I still want to try to reconcile. Numerous times over the last few months, I have acknowledged my role in our marital problems and have pledged to give every ounce of my being to save our marriage. However, I refuse to give up LRT until she agrees to end her relationship with OM. I have not pressured her to do this however. I have simply let her go and told her that I just want her to be happy. I continue to tell myself that I will be fine either way. I’m just not sure I have fully accepted a reality without my W yet. I think deep down inside I expect us to reconcile in the future.
I know there are a lot of details I left out but I wanted to make my story as brief as possible. I figured I could fill in the blanks if anyone had a specific question.
I guess my first question would be, should I just be patient and continue on my path of LRT’ing or should I begin to try something else?
Thoughts?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1. Get her out of that job where she continues to have contact with OM
2. Get her away from the friends she currently feels aren't being supportive (for what it's worth those are actually good SUPPORTIVE friends that won't support or condone adultery and refuse to associate with your wife as long as she continues down this path...your wife should appreciate them some day if she ever pulls her head out of the fog).
3. Moving is cheaper and better for your family than divorce.
Is OM married? Does his wife know? Maybe his wife will be able to get him to quit?
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Georgia Bulldogs, That's an intriguing option but is problematic. The reason is due to W's complaints that I did not offer enough support in her career. I believe this could be a good option if W commits to marriage.
In regards to OM, I'm not sure if he's married or not. W has always told me OM is married but I heard from a friend that W told her OM is not married. I do know that OM has kids. Regardless, I always thought it wise to not focus on OM. I would want my W to freely decide to be with me and not be forced back to me. Control was another issue W had with me in our marriage. I'm afraid contacting OM or his wife would be viewed as a power play and push W farther away. I think it would also conflict with my "letting her go" strategy a bit.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Posters go either way on this forum. I am of the opinion that IF the OM is married, his wife has a right to know her husband is cheating on her and by keeping OM (and your wife's) secret for them you both enable the affair AND become a co-conspirator of the secret.
If you and OM's wife were knowingly using the same accountant and you caught your accountant embezzling your money, even though OM's wife is pretty much a stranger you'd still tell her, wouldn't you???? Adultery is a far more significant and hurtful "crime" so I feel it deserves an even greater community consideration.
Others feel differently but I don't see how you have much to lose seeing that your wife doesn't look too excited to cut off contact all by herself.
As far as you being controlling, they all say that. I'm not suggesting vindictive exposure. Just telling the OM"s wife (if he's married) as the decent thing to do. Your marriage can survive your wife's anger. It can't survive, as you are coming to realize, as long as they continue to see each other at work....indefinitely.
If OM's wife "controls" her husband...all the better, but being "controlling" is not the reason you tell...it's to be, IMO, decent.
It's the RIGHT thing to do...IMO and no one regrets doing the right thing
YMMV (your mileage may vary).
Last point - what they call "controlling" today...if and when you recover your hopefully former wayward wife will then refer to such actions as "protective". You are FIGHTING for marriage and family here despite the devastatingly hurtful behavior of your wife. You are trying to save her. Being a stand up decent guy who is not afraid to stand up and do the right thing despite his wife's potential anger over messing with her affair partner is attractive and consistent with "letting her go". "Letting her go" doesn't include keeping her/their secrets.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Two updates: W just texted me four pics of our children. I believe it's appropriate for me to respond briefly to her texts but I keep it succinct and only about kids. Agree?
Also, W just got back from an overnite trip to Miami. She told me that the trip was good for her soul. I responded by saying I was glad she had a good time. Should I inquire more?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thanks for the reply Mr. Bond. No, the trip was not with the kids. I will not ask her anything about the trip.
However, W did post a selfie from this trip in a bikini on Instagram and Facebook. I know I shouldn't care but that seemed to really hurt, almost like a rumination from the PA.
W sent another text today of a picture of our daughter with me from a few years ago. I didn't respond this time.
Part of me wonders if W sending pics of the kids to me is an excuse to keep contact with me but I know this is mind-reading.
On another note, I did a little internet sleuth work and confirmed that OM is (or, at least, was) married. I'm still unsure as to whether or not it would be appropriate for me to contact OM's wife. I'm just not convinced that doing so would be consistent with the detachment and LRT I've exhibited thus far.
If I do decide to contact OM's wife, would you recommend a phone call, a letter, or in person?
Last edited by Defacto; 04/13/1508:35 PM.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Again...telling OM"s betrayed wife is a personal decision but I would encourage you to do what you inherently likely know is right. No matter how this ends up...yours is the face you will see in the mirror thereafter. Conduct yourself with integrity (and I respect however you want to define that term).
The logistics....
Do not forewarn your wife or you'll just make it that much worse and harder. If you warn them they will use the time to coordinate to thwart your telling by claiming you are a jealous vindictive maybe dangerous abusive husband of some lady OM works with and to ignore you. Also do not do it anonymously. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell her, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions.
If you decide or are forced to do it in person, then bring someone with you and mind your boundaries. Betrayed wives seem to often take the "while I'll just sleep with my husband's affair partner's husband" as an snap revenge instinct. Be helpful but you are not a counselor and you have enough problems on your own plate to worry about fixing their marriage. Just the facts.
I will pray for you and your family.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
