Re-reading my last post and noticed (did not mention) W wants to 'talk' to our 2.5 D ON THE PHONE, before she goes to bed. Wanted to be clear about that, since we are separated, sharing the house during this time. Didn't want folks to think we are co-habitation during this time.
How we are working this = one of us is home w/ D on each of the nights with her. The other spouse is away -- I am at a friends house and she is at her parents house (or wherever) on those nights. We do this because it allows our D to be in her bed all of the time.
That's all for now. Hope that clears up any would be confusion. Now starting another day, waiting for my #1 woman (daughter) to wake up, start her day and take her to "school" (aka day care).
Hope this message finds any and all with a positive outlook. Take it from me, no matter how you feel, you will always feel BETTER! Thanks to those, here, for helping to showing that. Be mindful of your close support network, the people you can count on, and have a little faith.
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
luvmypg, I'm not caught up on you sitch, but in my opinion I think you should allow her to talk to D 2.5. Try to imagine how you'd feel if you couldn't talk to D 2.5 when away and all you wanted to say was goodnight or hear her voice. Also, D 2.5 is probably confused/worried as is. The phone call may help her to feel mom is still present and cares. As I stated earlier I'm not caught up on your sitch, but unless she has attempted to physically harm D 2.5 or is intoxicated/impaired when calling I think it'd be okay to let her call and talk for a few minutes.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
It has come to my attention that, while (me) away on a recent business trip (last week) my W had the OM over to our house, for most of a day (not overnight) while our 2.5 D was home with W.
While I understand that my W is not the person I once knew, I must say I am truly disappointed in her. I feel zero jealousy to the situation with OM being at our house with my W, but I am really worried for my daughters sake. She is the most important thing in my life and I want to see what is best for her. I realize my W has already made a series of bad choices but this really makes me concerned for how poor her judgement has gotten.
I have done some research and (have read) that is suggested to not involve new relationship partners in children's lives for (one source) six months AFTER divorce and (another source) even suggests am much as two years.
LOOKING FOR INSIGHT AND ADVICE -- PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK.
As always, appreciate the wisdom given on this resource and hope any others in similar situations are doing as best as possible.
Standing by,
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Mine was no OW in my house and I made it very abundantly clear to Ms. Wonka. I told Ms. Wonka in no uncertain terms that OW was not allowed in or near the house. I was very angry and firm when I communicated my boundary to Ms. Wonka. Guess what? No OW in the house as long as I lived in there.
Let me share a brief story about my late father. My parents went through a divorce when I was under 2 years old and my mother married the OM. Apparently, somehow, I took to calling OM "Daddy." When my father learned of this, he FLIPPED out and immediately went over to my mother's house to tell her in no undertain terms that he's the ONLY father I will ever know and that he's the only man I am to call "Daddy."
With that clear boundary in place, it put a stop to me calling the OM "Daddy" completely and incidently they divorced less than tow years. Goes to show you that As don't last long.
My boundry was I would not participate in an open marriage. Period.
The result? a long and painful separation and now divorce proceedings. I am still at the angry phase and look forward to it passing. But until then, I will use it to propel me forward.
My WAW is in her 6th month of her A and refuses to stop contact with her, so I had enough. That was my boundry. She chose the AP not me, not our two little kids.
I have read and been told many times that when WAW engage in affairs, they have already been checked out of the marriage for some time. I can't say I believe that, but it crops up over and over. Do you think it was a possibility in your situation?
Bottom line, to mirror Wonka, what is your boundary? How much are you willing to endure? That is 100% up to you and everybody is different.
I would agree that you need to state your boundary that OM is not allowed in your house at any time, even when you are away.
That was one of the first things I told my W when I discovered the A. I said if he sets foot on any of our properties I will call the police and have him charged with trespassing.
He has never set foot on any of our properties.
As for W phone D before bedtime, I think you could say you've thought about it and feel that it would help D deal with the trauma of the turmoil she is being put through. But then maybe that's just my passive aggressive side coming out.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Sorry to report that I've not been away b/c my situation has improved. Safe to say it has gotten worse. Since last update, a few months back, the following has happened:
W has brought OM over to our house, with our 2.5 D, several times. OM has gotten an apartment and moved out of his house. W is over there every night she's not home w/ our 2.5 D. **BY THE WAY** My WAW has ZERO idea I know about any of the above.
As of now, my atty wants to file for D soon, because she believes we need to make steps to protect my D from being around the OM. Atty believes we can't / or should not have approached my WAW about the OM because my WAW is not in a logical state and we'd expose the upper hand. Sad to say, I agree with the atty.
I want to have custody of our D but only b/c WAW is making some bad choices. Don't want WAW to NOT see our D, just need someone to take control. I feel like I am on an airplane, something has happened to both pilots, and now I need to take over the situation and land the plane. Of course, my D is the passenger on this plane.
On a side note, WAW has asked to meet this coming Sunday (aka tomorrow) to 'talk'. My sources tell me that she's trying to let me know that she wants out of the M, even through she has never said that to me. She has always stood by the "I don't know what I want" position. I am confident that she's trying to get me to be the one that pulls the trigger, most likely for guilt, I would think.
Still haven't reached out to the WAW to say "I love you + miss you" or any of that. We talk / text regularly because of our D. Sad to say this '180' method really has not made any results since we separated 11/27/14. WAW truly believes she has found her soul made and continues on that path.
Otherwise, been feeling fine, doing as best as anyone could do. Spent time out w/ friends when not on D duty half the week. Work is busy and going well too. Just standing over the brink of what surely will turn into a battle when we move forward to file for the big D. Everything has been "quiet" since we separated so I assume that had to change at some point.
A lot here, a lot to digest, so if anyone wants to provide insight I'd be happy to read it. Sorry have been away so long. The board is a wonderful source of insight and I value any / all I have been lucky enough to share with.
Standing by,
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Been reading this story and I can say I can only imagine your pain. Do you mind giving us a update on the current situation. It's been awhile since the last update.
